Stress in Play with Predicament Bondage

Has your Dom/me ever tied you in a position where if you move one way this part of your body gets stressed or pulled, and if you move another way, that part of your body gets tugged or pinched? If so, then you have experienced predicament bondage!

Predicament bondage can be simple or complex and playful or painful. It relies on the skill and evil imagination of the Dom/me to set up a position where your body is essentially going to punish itself. Picture your Dom/me pulling your hair to lower you to the ground. The hair pull is a simple illustration of a stressor. If you don’t lower yourself, you will be in pain.

Fantasies Come True

In an erotic novel I read early on, the naked slave had been ordered to stand on tiptoes above a stand of some sort. A stiff brush had been placed on this stand. As she tired, she would lower her body only to have the brush poke her labia lips. The discomfort would cause her labia to swell, and she would fight to regain her position on tiptoes. Only now, she didn’t have to lower her body as much due to the swelling….I’m sure you get the rest of the picture.

This scene inspired many fantasies for me, so I was thrilled to find out my Dom was particularly interested in and skilled at predicament bondage. He uses opposing forces on my body to create possible painful situations, and then makes me move against those forces. One particular scene involves being chained on a ‘pony’ which is suspended from a rail. I am placed on tiptoes straddling the pony, and chained to the rail with my arms above my head. This causes the same sort of stress as in the scene above, where if I am tired, I end up resting on the pony, which basically bites into anything resting on it. At the same time, He clamps my nipples to the chain in front of me that suspends the pony. He then proceeds to whip me with a singletail. If I pull away from the whip, I pull the nipple clamps tighter. If I move towards the front, I end up sitting harder on the pony. If I move sideways, my arms are pulled. And a good time is had by all!

Sensory Overload

With predicament bondage the Dom/me can use outside forces, such as a whip or paddle, or inside forces such as the sub’s own body to create the stresses. The scene can be created with bonds such as ropes or chains, or without, as in the erotica novel scene above. The important thing is to create the struggle where the sub’s body betrays itself.

It is a good idea to start with one stress, perhaps a fun one like standing over a dildo on tip toes and trying not to get impaled, and then work up to multiple stressors on the body. Sometimes it can be a bit overwhelming for a novice sub to deal with so much input on her senses at once. At first, it is best to be able to communicate your reactions fully with your Dom/me, and then work up to silent (or screaming) scenes where your Dom/me can sit back and enjoy your struggles. Remember: “You are an Evil Sadistic Bastard” is not a safe word.

Safety Considerations

With predicament bondage, the Dom/me must be extra careful to keep the sub safe, as there are many forces being enacted on the sub’s body all at once. There is so much sensory input that it is easy for the sub to lose track of whether her hands are losing circulation or her toes are numb or her nipple is about to fall off and be grabbed by the cat for a playtoy. The Dom/me must keep checking colour and temperature of extremities, and tightness of bonds as the play may inadvertently tighten them. It is a good idea to use quick release knots or carabiners rated for mountain climbing. Don’t use the cheap ‘toy’ carabiners as they are not safe for the weight and stress which can be created in this situation. This is also a good time to implement a safe word if you are allowed one. Perhaps have a bottle of water nearby as the exertion rate in this type of play is particularly high.

I have a tendency to overheat in extreme situations, so my Dom must be able to remove the bonds and lower me to the floor as quickly as He can. It is no shame if I call ‘yellow’ during such an intense scene; it is just a way for me to preserve His toy so He can play another day. The Dom/me must also take care to remove the bonds in an order that won’t cause damage to the sub. Obviously lowering the pony and leaving my nipples clamped as it was lowered would not be a good idea if He wanted to ever play with them again. That’s not a threat; that’s a reality of real damage that can be inflicted.

Predicament bondage can vary from a playful scene to some of the most intense edge-play that you will experience. Do you have a wonderful predicament scene that you wish to share? Send your comments in!

What NOT to Share on Your Online Profile

This video post is about what not to share on your online profile.

We all have one somewhere. FetLife being all the rage right now, but also we have alt.com, collarme.com, bondage.com and others where we place ads and identity profiles up to get people interested. This interest can be friends or relationship related; it doesn’t matter. What does matter is what we broadcast to everyone that happens across our profiles. You need to keep some things secure and really consider what’s necessary to put out into the World Wide Web.

What’s Safe?

Nothing you place online is safe. Anyone can find you and use what you put online to harm you in some way. Take for instance a rather vanilla picture of yourself on an adult site. It could be used against you in your job or other social engagements. Just the knowledge alone that you are present on a site like FetLife or CollarMe could get you fired. Your ex could use it against you to gain custody of your children. Anything is possible.

The idea that because you have to log into the service means that every word you write or photo you share behind that security feature means you are safe. This is far from true. Too many people rely heavily on the false sense of security that a log in screen provides. Think about it this way; how easy was it for you to create a profile? A predator or someone you don’t want to find you will find it a breeze.

Top 8 Online Safety Tips

Photos

If you share photos of yourself, even if you head and identifying features are cut out; be prepared to find them elsewhere online. So many people online just don’t care if they don’t own the rights to the photo, others like to increase their personal stash of porn, and others still want to earn money on your shared ‘free’ content. It takes all kinds. So, before you share a photo, consider if you want it on the internet. Don’t limit your mental scope to the site you are placing it, but all over the internet.

• Pictures Share You With The World
• Dangers of Online Photos

Personal Information

Other than the basic profile information, I’d keep your life pretty vague if you don’t want to be found by others you may know in another sphere of your life. Leave relationship, family and work details out of profiles. Never share information about your children.

Think about it this way, put on your profile only what you wouldn’t have a problem telling someone face to face that you don’t know. Because you know, that’s just it. Strangers are reading your profile and looking at those pictures before they know you… really know you.

Sure it sounds counter productive for a dating site, but protecting yourself should come first. Besides, emails and site mailing systems are slightly safer for sharing a bit more about yourself. Granted, these too can be abused, so be careful.

Some of you may be saying, “Well sure lunaKM, but I’ve seen your profile here or there and you share a lot about yourself including unaltered photos. Practice what you preach!

Let me tell you; I have no job outside the home, no friends or tech-saavy family that do not know and have nothing to loose if someone sees me or learns about me. I’m a unique case. I’m not saying that some of you aren’t either. I’ve given all of my profiles a look over and am happy with what is shared. That’s all that matters.

How Much Information is Too Much?

I Challenge You

Today I challenge you to go through your profiles and reconsider some of the information you have shared. Rip out what could put you in some form of danger or get you recognized by someone you’d rather stay incognito with. If you aren’t using a profile; delete it completely.

All Tied Up: Rope Bondage

This is a guest post for the BDSM Activity Feature Series. patricialynn offers us a look into rope bondage.

Rope bondage is a wonderful thing.  Nothing beats the feel of the rope sliding across my skin, teasing, tantalizing, with taunting promise of bondage to come.  Under the hands of a skilled rope top, bondage can become more than a simple restraint – it becomes an art form.

Most people look at rope bondage and think “I can tie a knot – this should be easy!” But there is more to rope bondage than simply picking up a rope and tying a sub up.  Just like any form of bondage, there are dangers that the participants need to be aware of.

First and foremost, you need to chose the right kind of rope.  Most people chose a smooth rope to lower the risk of chafing, but most smooth ropes also tighten when the rope is moved.  This is a bad idea if your bottom tends to squirm or struggle against the bonds!  For this reason, you want to chose a rope that is smooth but resists being tightened to extremes.

It is also strongly advised to keep a pair of EMT shears handy every time you experiment with rope bondage.  Emergencies do happen, and there are times when it is vital to cut the rope.  Using a knife in those situations is not advised, as you could cut your submissive by accident.

NEVER play around with any form of bondage in the dark.  If your bottom sinks deeply into subspace, she might not be aware if she loses feeling in the bound limbs.  It is the sub’s responsibility to inform her Dominate if she/he feels discomfort from the bondage – but it is also the dominates responsibility to watch the bound areas and monitor for circulation issues.

Rope maintenance is another aspect of bondage that most newcomers don’t consider.  Like fabric, ropes need specific care depending on what substance they are created from.  I am most familiar with hemp rope, which requires regular washing, air drying, and being re-conditioned before use.  This is a process that usually takes 3-4 days and hours of re-conditioning.  Usually bondage rope is not “ready-to-use” right from the start – it needs cleaning and conditioning before you are able to tie a person with it.

Don’t ignore common sense in your lust for rope bondage.  If your bottom has circulation issues or joint problems, severe bondage is probably not a wise choice.  If your sub has fibro or other chronic pain conditions, make sure she is not bound in one position for more than a few minutes at a time.  Design the bondage to allow her to shift and move to avoid severe pain after the scene.

Like any other kink, rope bondage should be researched before experimented with.  There are several wonderful resources available to those with an interest in this artistic form of bondage.  Amazon.com has a good selection of shibari books for beginners.  Another great resource is twistedmonk.com – not only does that site sell some of the best bondage rope on the market, they also offer free instructional videos.

If you live in a kink-friendly area, there are usually classes that teach the basics of rope bondage.  And if you really want in-depth training and background, Shibaricon is held annually in the Chicago area.

Patricialynn is a polyamorous submissive, in a relationship with two Dominants, Mad Baker and Viktor.  She is a mother of three, and a stay-at-home mom.  She is 31 years old, and has been a practicing submissive for two years.

She can be reached through her blog, patricialynnlady.wordpress.com

photo by Diana Blackwell

Exploring BDSM in a Guest Post Feature Series

To herald in the New Year I have been able to collect guest posts from some of the best voices in submission to share with you what it’s like to explore and experience their favorite play activities. Over the next few weeks we will learn about flogging and caning, rope bondage and fire play and more!

If you have a favorite play activity and you’d like to share with the readers what it’s like, please let me know!

You have until January 18th to get me your contributions.

Are you an avid fan of a particular play activity? Would you write a short post about what you experience during the play time; from how it feels, how you respond, what it does to you emotionally and recovery. Sorry, no Dominant posts!

Some ideas for posts:

Spanking,  metal bondage, orgasm denial or come on command, watersports, play piercing/needle play, humiliation, adult babies and so much more. The sky is the limit.

Here’s what I need from you if you want to help:

• Send me an email (subguide@gmail.com) and let me know you want to write a post about _______ topic.
• Write the post. (At least 500 words and the submissive point of view)
• Write a 3-5 sentence bio with at least one way for people to find you online.
• Send me the finished post! I’ll review it and let you know when it will be posted.
• Enjoy the fame when it shows up on the blog!

Is BDSM the Nerds and Geeks Club?

I was listening to Mistress Matisse’s Guest Appearance the other day on the Savage Lovecast (Ep 163). She talks about a lot of kinky topics that callers ask Dan Savage. Somewhere near the end there was an interesting comment by Dan where he asked MM if nerds and geeks are more likely to be into BDSM. It was meant to be a joke, but in all truth, there has to be something to this as I’ve seen it myself.

Now maybe it’s because I’m more sensitive to seeing nerds and geeks, or should I say advanced intellectuals, being more into BDSM than other forms of sexuality. I am, after all a nerd myself and my Master is a geek. We get along better with nerdy and geeky friends than we do others because of the common topics that keep coming up.

So, I’ve had some time to give it some thought. Yes I think that BDSM attracts the advanced intellectuals, but it’s not an exclusive club by any means. Please allow me to explain and keep in mind there is a bit of tongue in cheek here. I don’t mean to offend anyone.

• Advanced intellectuals tend to have higher mental abilities. They can comprehend social and physical challenges at a rate faster than others. They have trained minds to do these computations in their heads. Philosophy, sociology and psychology are simple tactics for them. That may be why they can read  body language really well and can tweek at your mind in the most delicious ways.
• It is also common for advanced intellectuals to study and research things far more intensely than other types. When asked about electrical play for example, they can not only perform with precision they can talk about how the current plays out in certain situations better than others, the differences in amperage and voltage, how to make their own tens units and can draw schematics for the electrical torture devices of their dreams.  It is far more likely to have a deeply technical conversation with them.
• Advanced intellectuals are frequently online and tend to be the most prevalent sort in successful online communities. These people like to argue the terms, analyze the facts and give advice when none was asked for. The fountain of knowledge they harbor sometimes flows forth and what could be a one sentence answer to someone’s question becomes an 8 paragraph explanation about how that one sentence really isn’t enough.
• The advanced intellectuals have a desire to be very exact with their play. Rope bondage practitioners may be precise, require perfect wrapping and symmetry, perform 15 different knots or have 10 different ways to do the same thing. A cane aficionado may have a multitude of techniques perfected and just as many canes. They can produce just about any mark they desire or none at all.
• Advanced intellectuals generally have higher paying jobs than other folks and thus have more spending money for the things that please them. The cost of participating in BDSM is high and with a larger personal expense budget, these people tend to go for the best and most expensive of the equipment. Their dungeons are usually top notch, specialized in the kink that interests them most and it’s not unheard of for them to have 15 of one particular implement on the wall… all organized by sensation or material.

There are possibly dozens of reasons why the nerds and geeks among us are attracted to BDSM. If you can think of a reason, I’d love to hear it in the comments. And please, remember this is humorous post and is not meant to harm anyone.

One month into my first real time D/S relationship: A Training Review

This is a Guest Post by A. She is a new submissive in her first 24/7 dynamic. I received this wonderfully written review of her first 30 days and she offered to share it with everyone here. Enjoy!

It has come to my attention after reading submissiveguide.com that my training with Sir has already begun, though not outright labeled as such.  Indeed, every relationship I have ever had has begun in this way, learning the likes and dislikes of my partner and trying to accommodate, but with Him, I am more aware of this process, as it is more deliberate.  At the outset, on the day of our first meeting, he instructed me to wear a black dress, and sit in the park reading and await Him.  I am validated to read in Luna’s writing that my concern over my appearance, and also trying to be peaceful, not fidget and patient was already a positive in the direction of desired qualities in a submissive.  Since that day, we have grown together in many ways, and the ways in which I have learned to please Him are outlined below.  I plan to update this list periodically, to track the ways in which I deepen my submission, the ways in which my wants and needs evolve and dovetail with His.

Speech:

Sir:
Use of the word Sir was discussed online, before we had even initially met.  He indicated I could call Him whatever I wished, but desired Sir for intimate moments.  As we grew closer, it applied whenever He was asserting His dominance, be it out in public, online or on the phone and I show my acceptance and submission with the honorific response.

Thank you:
At various times I have been corrected for not thanking Him for the orgasm He allowed me to have.  I have begun to thank Him for blows He gives me in certain contexts, He has not commented either way on this, or corrected when I do not.

Wording:
When I removed His shoes, I asked if He would like to keep His socks or not.  This is something I am still trying to work on, my natural way of speaking is to ask “can I?”  but I am well aware “may I” is more appropriate.  Sir does not comment on this, but I feel it is more respectful, and I’m frustrated with myself at each error.

Enunciation:
Another flaw of mine is that in the course of being together, when I am excited, I often forget the appropriate response of “yes Sir, no Sir” and may make a moaning sort of affirmation or denial. His tone changes immediately as he demands the proper response and I know I run the risk of displeasing Him should I not enunciate properly.

Positions:

Spanking:
Sir is particular about positions and protocol.  When I am to be spanked, I am to kneel and bend over with my face flat, shoulders to the bed, and present myself.  He prefers my back to be straight, which is difficult for me, as my natural tendency is to reverse arch my back.  As I am punished, I am most often allowed to cry out, but not to move.  If I flinch, I am to return to the instructed position immediately without hesitation.  If I am to stand and be punished, I must brace myself stiff armed on a designated piece of furniture, slightly bent, head down.

Undressing:
I am just now beginning to learn how to undress for Sir. I feel a bit silly, but the lingerie I wear for Him helps. So far He has only specified me to remove my panties while facing away from Him, slightly bent over.  Beyond that He has only asked that I please Him with my removal of my clothes, and I try to be creative and pleasing in the process.

Waiting to Serve Sexually:
When Sir decides He wishes to use me I am ordered to get on the bed, on my back, legs spread open and knees up, so He can gaze at me exposed while He readies Himself to enter me.  Often I will casually hold this position, while writhing a bit, gazing at Him to allow Him to feel my passion and desire, and my hunger. Occasionally He will correct me and tell me to be still, but generally He enjoys my arousal and encourages me to exhibit these feelings.

From the Rear:
As one of Sir’s favorite ways to have me, positioning for rear entry is very important.  He prefers a similar position to that of spanking, with more of a reverse lean so as to better accommodate His thrusts.

Rituals and Behavior:

Morning Check In:
Each day when I get up, I am to write to Him, tell Him my plans for the day, and say hello. Sometimes He responds with additional commands, which may include meditating on a certain subject, writing, masturbation or explicit instructions to abstain from that. Other times He responds with a brief “good morning my sweet girl.” Other times He does not respond at all. The initial contact on my part is the focus, and allows me to show that in waking up to start my day, He is in my first thoughts.

Shoes:
My first actual training occurred when we reached my home our first day together.  Sir sat on my couch, and took one of the pillows, placing it at His feet, He instructed me to kneel and remove His shoes.  He informed me at that time that His women do not kneel on the floor, only on pillows, and so I learned my first lesson. Now, unless we are in a rush, I kneel at His feet and put on and remove His shoes.

Worship:
In removing or putting on of shoes, I always kiss the tops of His feet.  Once the shoes are off or on respectively, from my kneeling position I wrap my arms around His calves, and press my head down softly on His lap. He then bends at the waist, and embraces me and we hold that moment.  In this way, I show my devotion and love, and He shows His acceptance and reciprocation.

Sir also requires certain ways of being touched, especially after intercourse.  He prefers His chest to be stroked and will directly request it.

Massage:
Due to injury, regular massage is very beneficial to Him, so often I do massage His muscles for Him, both solicited and unsolicited.  As I do these things for Him, I try to focus on the feelings I have for Him, all I appreciate that He does for me, and allow that warmth and tenderness to radiate through my hands.  This is to me, one of the highest forms of worship and a deep communion between us.

Fetching:
I have the natural desire, when fetching something for Him, to kneel and present the item with both hands upon my return. Sir has expressed appreciation for this, and thus I adopt it.

Toys:
Sir introduces all toys and equipment by either presenting it to me or instructing me to fetch it for Him. He then presents it to my lips and I kiss it, typically a flogger, rope or a slapper, though a blindfold or other bondage instruments, hair brush, etc, are managed similarly.

When Sir is finished with the toy, or when I am cleaning up the room afterward, I am to take the toy to the closet where it is kept, and hang it very deliberately in its designated spot. I stop the swaying with my hands, then bend at the waist to kiss the item, as He watches.  He then closes the closet door.

Presentation:
Sir prefers that the condom box be displayed in my room, with one always set on top, ready and anticipating His need.

Orgasm Control:
Sir has decreed that I may not orgasm without His permission.  As I feel it build, I am to ask, and if He says no, resist it.  This has been my sole punishable infraction to date, as the way in which He was having me made it next to impossible to resist, and in complete honesty, I wanted to see what would happen.  Since that time though, with punishment looming over my head, I improved a great deal, and even redeemed myself, forgiven and excused from the punishment.  Sir has been pleased to the point where He has moved on to orgasm on command.

Orgasm on Command:
Sir employs both the counting method and basic instruction for orgasm on command training and only during sex, which makes it easier for me.  He wishes to lessen my response time however.  I myself would like to be trained by Sir to orgasm independent of sexual stimulation; i.e. a simple word can trigger that response but that is at His discretion.

Clothing:
Usually He does not request specific items of clothing to be worn, but generally I ask when planning to see Him, what He would like for me to wear. As we are still in the beginnings of our relationship, He is not 100% familiar with my wardrobe, but I do my best to accommodate His requests.

Personal Grooming:
Sir often does request specific hair styles of me, and I do my best to please Him in this way. Also, He prefers me to have pubic hair, which I have always removed. Growing out and getting used to this hair has been challenging for me, but His pleasure in knowing it is difficult but seeing that I obey nonetheless makes it a rewarding task.

A is a submissive from Boston MA.  She has experienced elements of BDSM in the past, but is now embarking on her first 24×7 collared relationship.  She happily shares her progress with others who may be inspired in a similar manner. You can find her on FetLife as northern_siren.

Photo by and of A.

Write About Your Favorite BDSM Play Activity for Submissive Guide

I’m planning a series of posts in JANUARY related to BDSM activities. Are you an avid fan of a particular play activity? Would you write a short post about what you experience during the play time; from how it feels, how you respond, what it does to you emotionally and recovery. Sorry, no Dominant posts!

Some ideas for posts: Flogging, spanking, rope bondage, metal bondage, orgasm denial or come on command, lactation, watersports, play piercing/needle play, humiliation and so much more. The sky is the limit.

Here’s what I need from you if you want to help:

1. Send me an email (subguide@gmail.com) and let me know you want to write a post about _______ topic.
2. Write the post. (At least 500 words and the submissive point of view)
3. Write a 3-5 sentence bio with at least one way for people to find you online.
4. Send me the finished post! I’ll review it and let you know what day in January it will be posted.
5. Enjoy the fame when it shows up on the blog!

Chat Night Transcript From BDSM and Sex Talk – 8/25/09

Our first chat was a great success. Everyone gave permission to post the transcript and continue the conversation here. I loved every minute of interesting conversation. Read and enjoy!

<~luna[KM]> Alright, let’s get started. If you haven’t figured out, I’m luna. I started the site in January after I got tired of not finding what I wanted in all the sites online. I didn’t need the how to’s, but the whys.
<~luna[KM]> My goal with these chat nights is to share knowledge and information with each other to develop and grow in our submission.
<~luna[KM]> Tonight we are going to talk about BDSM and sex; if they are integral to our sexuality or if they can be separated as well as the whole perception in the community.
<~luna[KM]> In the reading for today we saw some people’s opinions as to whether sex and BDSM were separate things. What do you feel is the right way to explain it for yourself?
<hisowned1> it seemed to me that the gist of the articles–taken as a whole–was that sex is integral to a bdsm relationship….however, most bdsm relationships contain many other dimensions in addition to the sexual
<~luna[KM]> For me, in the beginning sex and BDSM were not the same, I was exploring and playing outside of a committed relationship, casually and did not want sex to be a part of it. I wanted the sensation and not the sexuality of it.
<~luna[KM]> Now that I’m in a relationship, I can not separate the two. BDSM is my sex and so much more.
<pet> i would have to agree with you luna
<hisowned1> most of our relationships probably involve the spiritual, psychological, emotional realms (should i include practical also?), in addition to sexual.  well, as luna has pointed out in some of her articles, there may be differences between solely online relationships and in-person relationships…
<~luna[KM]> Laura Goodwin (the first essay) said that it was absurd to think that sex and BDSM are separate things, that the whole reason we invite BDSM into our lives is for the sex. Now, most of what she is referring is the tactile play aspects of BDSM, but do you agree?
<~luna[KM]> Is BDSM sexual?
<pet> to me its one of many things
<~luna[KM]> You bring up a good point hisowned1. Can you really have a sexual experience online and consider it a BDSM sexual act?
<~luna[KM]> The critics will say that no, you can’t have a BDSM sex act online – that it’s just masochistic fantasy and masturbation.
<hisowned1> i think pet has something to contribute here.  pet, what are the ‘many things’ you refer to?
<hisowned1> …if i may ask…
<pet> would say for myself personally,  the service, the emotional aspect is also important to me
<hisowned1> yes, me too
<~luna[KM]> pet, do you feel that there is too much focus on the sexuality of BDSM when people talk about BDSM?
<pet> sometimes yes
<pet> to me personally there is so much to our lifestyle
<~luna[KM]> There are a lot of levels to the lifestyle, I would like to focus tonight on the physical act of play and it’s association with sex.
<~luna[KM]> When I talk with others that may not be as familiar with BDSM as they can be, I always get the perception that they think BDSM is just kinky sex.
<~luna[KM]> But when we as lifestyle and active participants get together, I see more of a separation between play and sex
<asweetpea123> at this point in my relationship with my Master all aspects interact at different levels.  Depending on the situation will depend on how deeply they react to the different aspects from sex to emotion etc
<~luna[KM]> So, can you play without sexual contact?
<pet> right, by what i have read, some definitely separate play and sex.
<~luna[KM]> sexual contact being genital touching
<radiogirl2009> oh of course
<radiogirl2009> I think so
<pet> i think so
<pet> also
<asweetpea123> yes
<radiogirl2009> my Master can play with me because he lives in my head
<radiogirl2009> my submission is in me
<~luna[KM]> Ok, so if the sensation receptors in your brain say that you are turned on, is it still sex or somehow it’s play?
<~luna[KM]> And if it is different, how do you discern the difference?
<asweetpea123> Wow
<asweetpea123> when you put it that way.
<hisowned1> how are we defining what ‘play’ means?
<radiogirl2009> okay, for me……… sex means a lot of different things
<radiogirl2009> and even though we have sex (phone sex, webcam sex) its in my mind
<~luna[KM]> play would be a set moment in time where two or more people are scening for the intent to experience sensations. This can be impact play, bondage or other forms of non-contact play.
<radiogirl2009> play……… is.. teasing
<asweetpea123> Ok my Master and I can have sex…touching in whatever way…but we can have no contact or “play” time from as far away as a phone or email where direction are given and yet I still feel the intensity as if it were physical.  He still controls me even far away
<radiogirl2009> oh yes
<~luna[KM]> If BDSM is considered part of the sexual arena, why is it not included in more vanilla ideas of sex?
<asweetpea123> ?
<~luna[KM]> If we go on the assumption the BDSM and sex are not separate, why don’t we see more mainstream sexual encounters echo what we do?
<asweetpea123> People are afraid of stereotype…beating abuse dominance have a very negative opinion in the world
<asweetpea123> It is lack of knowledge that keep people from understanding the deep strong positive connection
<pet> yes it does im afraid.  though i do have a friend who is very understanding and supportive.
<asweetpea123> media puts those words in prison/court/negative from an abusive husband/spouse and people stop looking farther…past the end of their nose
<~luna[KM]> So, can we say that BDSM is sensual more than sexual? Since we can have sex without BDSM and have discussed earlier that people can have BDSM without sex?
<~luna[KM]> It is unfortunate that the media has trouble accepting us, but the media is still working through homosexual acceptance, I fear that kink acceptance is further down the list.
<asweetpea123> BDSM is sensual for me.  Very much so.  to be so deeply controlled by someone who wants so desperately to control me…is sensual and loving..
<pet> i feel it is very sensual,  because of the close connection between Dom and sub.
<asweetpea123> I would agree…media has come a long way but they have a long way to go
<~luna[KM]> how about you radiogirl2009? is what you’ve experienced more sensual or sexual?
<pet> yes they do.
<asweetpea123> The Master watches out for you…when he decides on something he has already through for you…he knows you better than you do…how is that for sensual..
* ~luna[KM] smiles. It’s a good analogy asweetpea123
<pet> yes Sir reads me like a book.  sometimes i think he knows me better than i know myself sometimes
<radiogirl2009> well it greatly depends on my perception I guess
<radiogirl2009> Playing (not actually touching)  for me is mainly mental…. and that is extremely sensual
<radiogirl2009> however, when he gets the flogger out…… its pure SEXUAL
<asweetpea123> again it is a mental sensation…even in flogging…anyone can hit you…but a Master who incites this is thinking of you when he does the flogging or allows the flogging to take place…that becomes sensual
<asweetpea123> It is no different than the circle of life or ebb and flow.  one creates the other…without one the other is nto
<asweetpea123> not
<~luna[KM]> Great points all of them.
<~luna[KM]> You can mix sensual and sexual into BDSM, like a cocktail.
<hisowned1> asweetpea, that was beautifully put above—your post about the circle of life and ebb and flow.  lovely.  and true
<asweetpea123> Thank you hisowned1
<~luna[KM]> Now, I’ve been to a few parties and one party I’ve been too, doesn’t allow penetration of any kind. Others do, how does that change the way we could view sex and BDSM?
<asweetpea123> I feel that again if no penetration is allowed that does not matter.  The Master controls the Sensual/Sexual intensity of the situation…
<~luna[KM]> For Master and myself, we prefer to keep our sex private, but we are okay sharing the SM play at parties.
<asweetpea123> your sexual satisfaction is directed by Master no surroundings
<~luna[KM]> It makes for a rather interesting argument when we say that BDSM and sex are the same thing and yet we can fracture it like that for play parties.
<asweetpea123> His Sexual Satisfaction is directed by him
<asweetpea123> LOL yes it does…but a duck is a duck
<pet> i would feel the same way, i would much prefer to keep our sex private

photo by Dano

The Basics of Negotiating a Scene

It can be very scary approaching a Dominant and asking them to play with you. The butterflies in your belly can make it very difficult to take that first step. It can be every worse if you two don’t negotiate the scene so that you get what you want out of it and s/he does too. Negotiating a scene is different than negotiating a relationship. I will be covering the play negotiation in this essay.  Negotiating play is vital for new players or for those who have never played together. Once you get to know someone it is likely that unless you have something you’d really like to experience you can forego some negotiation for spontaneity.

When you are ready to negotiate with someone have in mind what you would like to experience. You can be as specific as you’d like to be. Express what turns you on and what things you have tried in the past that really did it for you. Tell them your limits; and if you don’t know your limits it’s best if you go back to do your checklist again. It will give you a clue as to what you can and can’t do as well as things that just aren’t appealing.

Negotiating pre-scene can include (from wikipedia):

• Arrangement of Roles – who will be the top and the bottom, participation of any other observers, and the way partners address each other;
• Expectations and needs of both partners – likes and dislikes of submissive and dominant partners and the ability to fulfill each other’s needs;
• Limits of the scene – boundaries that are set to define what experience is acceptable within psychological (such as humiliation, obedience or verbal violation) and physical limits (such as pain, marks and resistance to various influences);
• Types of play – practices that would be included in a scene: bondage, role-playing, spanking or sensory deprivation;
• BDSM Gear and attire – what materials, adult toys and fetish wear will be used;
• Duration of the scene – at what time the play starts and ends, who will be in charge of the time;
• Health concerns – talking over existent health problems: allergies, chronic diseases, STD’s, taking any medications and other;
• Safety measures – any safety tools to prevent situations when something goes wrong;
• Sexual contact – what type of sexual activity is accepted if any;
• Safe words – one or set of verbal and non-verbal signs that will be used to stop the play or slow it down.

More Reading:

From eHow

Review: The New Bottoming Book

This month’s book review is of one of the books I gave away in the July Book Contest. The New Bottoming Book by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy (formerly Lady Green) is a great beginner’s guide to bottoming. According to the authors, this “new version” contains much of the original advice, like “connecting” and negotiation, but also has new and much-needed information.

The book is divided into two sections. The first one is about skills. These chapters help novices make decisions about who they are as a bottom, what checklists are, how to make one, including the way I recommended here not long ago, bridging the gap between fantasy and reality and finding a Top that will give you what you need and want. There is a big section on meeting someone online via chat rooms, mailing lists and/or Internet newsgroups and how to convert from “cyber” to “real-time,” and dealing with the fact that their “reality” may not match yours.

The second section starts describing different “scenes”, their ‘rewards’ and also tips on beginning and ending them Also included are sections on role play, with short subsections about bondage and submission. It has small sections on dressing, public play, sensation play and other thoughts when it comes to actual scenes. I feel these chapters are nice for a very fresh novice, but not necessary when someone has already been exploring somewhat.

All in all I find the book very basic in it’s explaining what bottoming is and how to start on that path. Certainly recommended for the novice this book can help shed the nervousness and dispel the fantasy of play.

Product Details

• luna’s Rating: 6 out of 10
• Paperback: 200 pages
• Publisher: Greenery Press (CA); 2nd edition (December 1, 2001)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 1890159352
• ISBN-13: 978-1890159351

Buy The New Bottoming Book

Living with Kids While in the D/s Lifestyle

This is a guest post by Christian. He  is a switch male of the D/s lifestyle for the past 14 years.

For my first post here I am going to write about something I get asked a fair bit. How does one raise kids in a D/s household? As one with several kids I thought I should talk just a moment on this. It does interest me how others deal with this so I would like to know how others feel as well.

My own history of being raised in a D/s household (unbeknownst to me) my entire life also puts me in a unique position to speak on this as well. It is obvious to me now how my folks are and the thought had crossed my mind once I became aware there was a whole underground community at the age of 18. But until it was stated clearly I would have never known for sure.

In most ways my owner and I approach this thing very much as my parents did. They did as much as possible to shield me from their unique lifestyle as do we. And just like they did I imagine there will be a day when I (or my owner) will have an honest open conversation about such things. I want them to know there is a lifestyle that exists like this, and make their own decisions about what to do with that knowledge. Unlike my mother though, I will try to tell them at some point in their life when it will be helpful to them if they need that. I suspect one or two of them may be exactly like us. As an adolescent I struggled with my strange thoughts and feelings. It never even occurred to me there were others like me. And it was happening right in my own home! It would have been some helpful knowledge at that time.

But for now it is my priority as a parent to not spoil their innocence in any way. It is a precious thing and my children are a far higher priority then this life I lead. Don’t misunderstand, we are very serious about our lifestyle, and it does not take a break ever. But when it comes to my children they just don’t need to know about this thing right now.

It must be ridiculously obvious to my children who “wears the pants” in the family. But they think only that. I don’t address my owner with things like “mistress” or even call her my “owner” with the children about. We do have ways of communicating that are our secret way when they are about. We have code words for different things that mean one thing to an uninvolved bystander but a completely other thing to us.

There are obvious and subtle ways that one can serve without making ones submission obvious. You are just simply fulfilling the things that need to be done about the house. Like making breakfast, picking up the kids from school, doing the grocery shopping, and a thousand other mundane tasks your owner may not particularly enjoy. While those of us who enjoy service will be very happy to do those things.

Now BDSM play is a whole other matter entirely of course. I know this sort of thing is probably not an option for a lot of people, but this is one reason we hired a nanny for the kids. She manages to keep them busy and away from the house on activities quite often. And even our teenager enjoys going out with them from time to time, but being a teenager she also has her own life and priorities at the moment, and most times that does not involve hanging around her boring parents. Most of the time she goes out with her girlfriend and they are gone for as long as we allow her.

There are numerous things in BDSM that one can do to be discreet while living with children. Wax play, needles, bondage on its own is quiet of course, and if you want to do the spanking thing there are numerous implements that are themselves silent. Now keeping a sub quiet is another matter entirely but that is where a good ball gag comes in handy. There is also something called figging, which by a quick look around the Internet I see has become quite popular.

So having kids can be a challenge in this lifestyle but I do recommend being honest with them at some point in their life. They deserve to come to this knowledge just as much as other things in this life. What they choose to do with said knowledge should be up to them. Try not to be disappointed when they choose one way or the other too. Remember they are doing that because it makes them happy. You will have to trust them that they (or their owner) will keep themselves safe.

These are just some of my varied thoughts on this. I hope to hear from others on their opinions. Thank you.

Christian is a switch male of the D/s lifestyle for the past 14 years. He was introduced to the lifestyle and the society that at that time was extremely underground at 18 years of age.  He was raised (unbeknownst to him until just recently) in a D/s household as well. In addition his grandparents also were of the lifestyle. Christian am currently collared to his owner of 10 years who is bi-sexual and also has another female submissive. You can contact him at christian0539@gmail.com

Where to Buy a Collar Online

Places to buy a collar are numerous. Each relationship has a different idea of what the collar should look like. Listed below are a few of the many places you can go online to shop for that perfect collar. I’ve broken them up into types of collars the store offers. If they offer more than one type they are listed in all related categories. Shop around and have fun! Oh and if you have other places that you know of, let me know and I’ll add them to the list in the right categories.

Please note that these sites worked as of the creation of this post, and will be maintained as best as possible.

Leather

• BDSM-Gear
• BDSM Store
• Extreme Restraints
• Kitten’s Toyroom
• Lauralee Leathers
• Leather Etc.
• Leather Masters
• Master’s D/signs
• Mr. S Leather
• PureTNT.com
• Rubert Huse and Son
• Stockroom
• TieMeUp

Chain

• Kitten’s Toyroom
• Leather Masters
• Mr. S Leather
• PureTNT.com

Stainless Steel

• Ax(s)mar
• Dreamstrike Bazaar
• Eternity Collars
• Extreme Restraints
• Halfway Creations
• House of Collars
• Kitten’s Toyroom
• Masters in Steel
• Meo
• Mr. S Leather
• Neosteel
• Ring of Steel
• Rubert Huse and Son
• SM-Factory
• Stockroom
• Wyred Slave

Other Metals

• BDSM-Gear
• Chaotic Creations
• Extreme Restraints
• Kitten’s Toyroom
• Meo
• Ring of Steel
• TieMeUp
• Wyred Slave

Other Materials

• Extreme Restraints – Rubber
• Chainmail & More – Chainmail
• Meo – Rubber

Jewelry

• Chainmail & More
• PureTNT.com
• TieMeUp

Unique

• Kitten’s Toyroom
• Stockroom

Why BDSM is Not D/s

This post is by Skylerpet. She’s written several other posts here for Submissive Guide. You can read more of her work on online submission and pet play here.

BDSM and D/s. Some see it as the same, I seem them as two very different things. Here, I plan on explaining the how’s and why’s of my position. I am not seeking to change anyone’s opinion, as you have a right to your own opinion, as I hope you will remember that I do also.

In my opinion BDSM and D/s, while they often go together, are two entirely separate things with a few similarities. This is my opinion for many reasons. When I recently voiced this opinion someone responded with the question: “Do you not see the D/s in BDSM as standing for Dominance and submission?” and in fact, for the most part, i do not. I see BDSM as generally standing for Bondage, Discipline and SadoMasochism. Yes, the D/s in BDSM can and sometimes does stand for Dominance and submission for those who incorporate all of those things in their relationship. However, i do not think it does all the time, as there are many who are involved only in BDSM or D/s.

The primary reason i see this is that i see BDSM being the physical aspects. Bondage, whipping, suspension, and things of that nature. D/s however is the emotional side. The act of emotionally and/or psychologically submitting or Dominating someone. I do not see BDSM and D/s automatically going together.

Submission is emotional and psychological. While many submissives do also enjoy the physical aspects, i do not believe that the physical act of bondage and discipline is required for submission.. I see this in my relationship right now. My relationship is long distance. I am incredibly submissive to my Master, however I have received no whippings or canings from Him, however W/we both do enjoy it, and as such it will be a part of our relationship when W/we are together.

• BDSM is not only hardcore bondage, whippings, canings and scenes. BDSM also includes kinky couples who like some spankings and light bondage in bed. With the exceptions of those things, many of those couples are not D/s. They have no Dominance and submission in their relationship, thus the BDSM and D/s are separate.
• There are also those who are pure masochists or sadists. They enjoy the purely physical act of tying up or being tied and getting beat or doing the beatings. For them, it is the physical act that draws them.
• Also, there are those who are in Dominance and submission relationships that is solely based upon service and consensual slavery. There are many D/s couples out there who have no BDSM in their relationship at all. Just as not all submissives are masochists, not all Dominants are sadists.

If one were to look on informational websites, in glossaries and encyclopedias and such, the definitions and descriptions given of BDSM and D/s also show this difference. Wikipedia specifically states that “Physical contact is not a necessity and it can even be conducted anonymously over the telephone, email or instant messaging system. In other cases it can be intensely physical…” As Wikipedia states, BDSM and D/s can be both separate and conjoined. Also, the glossary at Domsub Info defines the two as separate items with can be separate or conjoined.

Said quite plainly, in my opinion, just because someone goes to a dungeon to get whipped does not automatically make them a consensual slave or submissive. It simply means that they enjoy being whipped. Similarly, just because someone enjoys delivering the whipping does not automatically make them a Dominant. As such, BDSM and D/s are separate things and do not have to go together. They can be enjoyed together or separately. None of the combinations are better or more “real” than another.

A few last words:

• Being submissive or a masochist does not mean you have to be the other.
• Being a sadist or Dominant does not mean you have to be the other.
• Not being one or the other, or being both or perhaps all four does not make you worse or better than the other. It simply makes you you and unique.

Skylerpet is a 24/7 submissive pup in her late 20’s. She has been into pet play since she discovered the D/s lifestyle and can be reached at: requiemskye@yahoo.com for emails and also YIM chat.

What’s the Difference Between a Lifestyler and a Player?

This week’s video is about definitions of a lifestyler and a player.

I received the following question via email the other day and thought I would cover it here in a video post.

I’m in a D/s relationship where we tend to do most of our activities behind closed doors. Outside we are a normal equal couple. Someone called me a player the other day in response to my description of who I am and I was confused. I thought I was a lifstyler. What is the difference between a lifestyler and a player?

There are all sorts of labels that people can wear in this lifestyle. Many of these have definitions that fluctuate and change depending on the situation. These are submissive, slave, real, true, Dominant, Master, and the list goes on. No one can agree on what these labels mean for the community.

This is also case for the terms Lifestyler and Player. Let’s cover the definitions first.

• A player is someone who is a BDSM practitioner. This means they participate in the activities that make up the acronym. They could be rope bondage enthusiasts, sadists and masochists. They could be sensual players or people who just like kinky sex. I personally prefer the term practitioner, but I hear player an awful lot in the online and real groups I frequent. This term also lends itself to those who pretend or seduce others as well. We won’t be covering that area today.
• A lifestyler is someone who participates in the D/s aspect outside the bedroom/dungeon as well as may be a proficient BDSM practitioner as well. Just as people may choose to live a green lifestyle or a poly lifestyle the BDSM lifestyler makes the parts of BDSM and D/s that enrich their lives a part of their everyday in some capacity.

A player is just as qualified to converse about things related to BDSM as a lifestyler. The distinction is based solely on the relationship dynamic status and depth of lifestyle change.

The two definitions are no more or less qualified to be a part of BDSM. As skylerpet will discuss later this month, the two areas can be separate or conjoined. In this aspect I feel that they are joined by a common purpose but separate in action and perception.

Why are the two so hotly debated as to who is real and who is not leads me to my next point. Just as we will never agree what the difference is between a submissive and a slave we can not agree with who is a lifestyler and who is a BDSM practitioner. Sometimes they are the same, other times they are not. I’d like to reach out to you and ask you why do these terms have to be so different and why can’t we agree to have an open mind about someone else?

The reality of who we are as individuals is the terms and definitions we apply to ourselves, not the labels other people give us. That’s why I try to always express what my opinion is in an open minded way. I can’t judge or object to anyone else’s labels based purely on what I think they mean. They need to be based on what that person thinks they mean.

So if I say that I’m a lifestyler it means to me that I practice some form of BDSM and D/s in my everyday life. For others it could mean that they are a Gorean Lifestyle practitioner. Players have a wider variety of definitions and none of them seem to be the same, but they have meaning for those that use them to define what it is they do.

In conclusion, no matter what term is used, we should remain aware that for every person there is a different definition and the difference between them is dependent on those definitions agreeing. You may be a player, you may be a lifestyler but what’s important is how you define those words and yourself.

Introducing Kink into an Existing Relationship

When you discover that you might be kinky there are a lot of questions surrounding how to accept that. One of those may be trying to explore that kink with your existing partner. But how do you bring up the subject and how do you handle what they may say about the ideas you are entertaining? Learning you may have kinky desires is not uncommon but dealing with the emotional repercussions can be difficult. You should try to stay the course and work through your thoughts slowly so that you don’t overwhelm yourself or enter sub frenzy.

Once you deal with your own emotions and feelings surrounded your new found interests, it may be time to talk to your partner about them. This can be a very nerve wrecking time for you but worth the effort you are going to put into it, right? A lot of partners are willing to try new and adventurous new things if asked. Things like light bondage, spanking or Dominant/submissive role play generally are well received for sex play.  Other activities will require conversations with your partner.

Talk About It

Plan a moment where there won’t be any distraction and talk about your new feelings and desires. Be honest about it and open for positive and negative responses. If you need help, get a book or find a few websites online to help you with your discussion. Don’t give your partner ultimatums, they will need time to understand what you are asking from them and to find out themselves if they are interested. It’s a change in the relationship they may not have expected, but then it could also be very exciting for them. A good book to maybe have laying on the bedside table is When Someone You Love Is Kinky by Dossie Easton. It comes highly recommended on Amazon and is an appropriate read for anyone new and nervous.

Leave Subtle Clues

Like I mentioned above you can leave a book out for your partner to see, but other things work too. Magazines that talk about kinky sex play, bookmark pictures of ads that show someone tied up or blindfolded, start leaving links to sites online to educational kink resources like The Iron Gate or Leather and Roses. Tell your partner your fantasies that involve some kinky things and see how they react. The goal here is to feel things out and see how they may react before talking to them outright.

After the Big Talk

Once you get someone interested in trying something don’t let the ball drop. Experiment, play around, be adventurous. You may find that you both have interests to explore and fun things to do with each other that you never thought possible. I could bring your relationship closer together and engage a level of intimacy that was not possible before. You relationship dynamic could change for the better. Revel in the changes and enjoy yourself.

If Things Go South

Not every situation turns out for the better. Some people just can’t be kinky and don’t want to entertain your fantasies or relationship desires. You may have to make a choice to never entertain your desires or to find someone that will. The hard decisions in life may be ahead for you. For me personally, that meant divorce. I found what I was looking for and while I know I failed at marriage, I know that my decision was the right one. For you it could mean opening your relationship to make room for a Dominant while keeping the existing relationship. It could mean that you become an online submissive and get your emtional and mental desires fed that way.

Don’t give up. Thing have a tendancy to work themselves out.

Additional Reading

How to make your Vanilla Boyfriend Kink Friendly

If you have suggestions for someone trying to introduce kinky play into their relationship, please leave them in the comments.

photo by captain.orange

Recommended Reading for New Submissives

The following is a list of books that I recommend for every novice submissive. The links lead you to Amazon if you are interested in buying the books. Part of your purchase goes towards supporting this site and my efforts at continuing to bring you content on this site.

Books

Learning the Ropes: A Basic Guide to Safe and Fun S/m Lovemaking by Race Bannon. This brief volume explains how partners can explore their dominant and submissive S/M fantasies in a safe and fun manner. Negative myths are dispelled and replaced with the truth about the kind of S/M erotic play that so many adults enjoy. You’ll learn what S/M is, how to do it safely, and much, much more.

Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission by William Brahme and Gloria Brahme. A breakthrough in sexual literature, this work is a complete, comprehensive user-friendly guide to and tour through the world of alternative sexual lifestyles. While the topics are exotic and erotic, the authors handle each one in a sensitive, thorough, analytical, and fascinating way and manage to explain a secret world to those who might wish to visit.

Sensuous Magic 2 Ed: A Guide to S/M for Adventurous Couples by Patrick Califia. Mixing erotic vignettes with practical how-to advice and personal insight, Sensuous Magic is the author’s guide to sadomasochism for couples. For readers who harbor fantasies of erotic dominance and submission, Sensuous Magic demystifies S/M, explaining terminology and technique. Experienced players will appreciate the author’s knowledge of S/M safety and his insight into S/M psychology. Novices will be reassured by the book’s honest, frank approach. This new edition discusses myths about S/M, the psychology of bondage, communication and negotiation, techniques of pleasure and sensation (including tickling, pressure, temperature, impact play, and whipping), and sex in S/M scenes. Also included are a glossary, updated bibliography, and resource guide.

Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism by Philip Miller and Molly Devon. Screw the Roses enthusiastically covers all the basics and even some of the not-so-basics–bondage, negotiation, sex, endorphins, dominance and submission, toys, safety, S/M community, and beyond. It’s written primarily from the point of view of male dominant/female submissive interactions, but it’s easily translatable into valuable advice for any relationship configuration. Miller and Devon’s explanations of not just the how, but also the why, of sadomasochism are honest, sexy, funny–and a must-have for anyone who wants to learn about sadism, masochism, dominance, submission, or bondage.

The Compleat Slave: Creating And Living An Erotic Dominant/submissive Lifestyle by Jack Rinella. In this highly anticipated followup to The Master’s Manual, author jack Rinella continues his in-depth exploration and discussion of Dominant/submissive relationships with his latest book, The Compleat Slave. This informative overview of the leather scene features Rinella’s guidelines, tips, and personal experiences in creating safe and sane Master/slave relationships. Whether you are a novice or an experienced Master or slave, this insightful and forthright volume will prove to be a great read and a valuable reference guide.

Cyber Submission and Exploring D/s Online

Stop Fidgeting! [Day 12 - 2WBSP]

Just 2 days left in the Submissive Positions project here at Submissive Guide. If you need a review, please take a look at the primary post; it has links to all of the posts in the project.

Today I’d like to talk about the bane of many a submissive; fidgeting. Sitting still is really hard for me in many situations. Either nerves or discomfort will cause you to twitch and move when all you want to do is not move. So how do you learn how to cut down your fidgeting?

Meditation

That’s right. If you can quiet your mind you will be able to quiet your body. This is going to take more than a day to learn. I’d recommend trying it everyday until you can sit quietly for at least 15 minutes.

Activity

Sit comfortably with your spine straight. You may choose to sit in a chair or on the floor cross-legged as long as you can maintain the position for at least 15 mins. Do not lie down as this encourages drowsiness.

Now close your eyes and draw your attention to your breath. Notice how the breath enters your body through your nostrils and exits out of your mouth. Focus your attention on the places where your breath enters and exits. If thoughts or feelings surface  – and they will – simply return your focus back to your breathing. Count your breaths. Start with ten and work your way up. Then slowly open your eyes and become aware of your surroundings.

As you learn to do this for longer durations you will be able to use these tactics when you need to stand or sit still. Your body will be able to take a mediation moment and your fidgeting will cease.

I’m not saying this is easy; I don’t have it down pat either. But I’m learning and progressing and that’s the point. I’m better than I was a month ago and will continue to improve. You can too.

Next Steps

If bondage helps center you, try it during your meditation. It can help you focus on being silent and relaxing in your position.

Try to play some relaxing music while you hold your position. It’s best to choose music without words so that your focus remains on your breath and not the words of the songs. Practice holding your positions for up to 15 minutes.

Final step is to try your meditation and quieting movements with a lot of distraction. If you can, try to do your mediation at a play party or munch. It need not be obvious, just relax your body and sit silently for awhile.

Try to do your mediation in a position you have chosen from the previous posts. Start small and work your way up to 10 or 15 minutes. You will amaze yourself how the pain in your joints fades as your fidgeting fades.

Two Weeks to Better Submissive Positions

Pet Play and Human Pets: A Primer

Today’s post comes from Skylerpet, a submissive pet in a D/s relationship who volunteered to write an essay for me after seeing the Weekly Tips on YouTube. Thank you Skylerpet!

Pet play is one of the most unique, one of the least known and in my opinion one of the most fun and entertaining sub-cultures in the BDSM, D/s and “kink” lifestyle. Now, I write this from the perspective of a submissive female, so please keep in mind that it can be changed around to any form you want.

Pet play involves one or more people acting as an animal with typically the submissive being the animal and the Dominant being the “Owner” and/or “Trainer.” I have heard of the Dominant being the animal and Dominating his/her submissive that way, such as holding the submissive down with a bite on the neck, but I am unfamiliar with this.

What animals are common for submissives to be? Most commonly you will see ponies, puppies and pigs. I myself have been a kitty and as of this writing am a puppy. Less frequently I have also seen bunnies, cows and once a seal, though I have no experience with these animals.

For me, one of the biggest reasons I enjoy pet play, aside from it simply being fun, is that it reinforces the Owner/owned relationship. Non-human pets are owned and completely dependent on their owner. They get fed when the owner decides and only then. Their toys and medical care is wholly dependent upon the owner remembering and doing. In a 24/7 D/s relationship this is often times also true. The slave is fed after their Owner has eaten. They wear what their Owner wishes, sleeps when and where their Owner tells them, and follows the rules their Owner dictates. So it is with non-human pets. The only difference is that your non-human pets didn’t consent. You choose them and bring them home upon your own whim. With D/s pet play, the submissive consents to be the property of their Owner. For me, being an animal, being “less than human” reinforces my Dom’s Domination of me. He is a Man and wholly human. I am a pup. His pup.

How is the animal chosen?

There are typically three ways.

• One way is the submissive acting upon his/her instincts to which animal they most identify with. If the submissive is loyal and playful perhaps they lean towards puppy. If they enjoy being led around and high protocol training perhaps it would be pony.
• One other common way for the animal to be chosen is for the Dominant to choose for the submissive. If S/He prefers a puppy to a kitty, the submissive will be molded into a puppy. As another example if the Dom is a farmer who enjoys breastfeeding from His submissive, perhaps He would like her to be a cow.
• The submissive can also switch animals from time to time if their pet play is temporary, if they simply enjoy experimentation or if they do not identify with one particular animal.

Why pet play?

• One large reason many D/s couples go into pet play is for the humiliation and dependence aspect. Restricting a submissive’s movement and vocalizations forces them to be that much more dependent on their Dom. Also, not being allowed on furniture or having to use a litter box instead of a toilet can be very humiliating for some.
• Another is because it is simply fun. It is a great psychological and emotional release to be able to come home and let loose the restrictions of humanity and what humans are “supposed to be like.” It is just plain fun to bat around a cat toy or play tricks and get treat rewards. It could also be described as a “de-stressing” process from the rigors of daily life, especially if the participants work outside the home.
• It can help with submission, as taking away some parts of the submissive’s humanity can help take away their sense of equality. It can help the submissive orient their mind to their Dom being their focus in life.
• Pet play could also be used as punishment. If the submissive misbehaves badly it could be punishment to be put out in the pig stalls with the pigs for a period of time, or whatever animal is available, and made to act like that animal as the punishment.

How does one engage in pet play?

• Restrict movement via bondage.
• Restrict verbal communication, perhaps to only certain words or animal sounds such as “woof!” or “mew!” or more child-like words such as “up!” or “potty!”.
• Training exercises such as tricks for puppies, walking on leads and leashes or for ponies pulling a cart/plow.
• Eating and drinking out of bowls without the use of hands and/or silverware.
• Learning to use a litter box instead of a toilet, or even going outside.
• Playing with toys, such as batting toys for kitties or tug-of-war toys for puppies.
• Begging in the manner of the animal you identify with, such as a puppy whining.
• Caging.
• Not being allowed on furniture without permission.

Also, safety is incredibly important!

So please keep these things in mind, and also any others that fit your lifestyle:

• When it comes to eating actual animal food, while it is okay for perhaps a short scene, it is not safe to do so on a regular basis. Humans have different nutritional needs than animals do, and it is incredibly important to get your nutritional needs met. There are many ways to simulate animal food and treats such as mashing up meatloaf with ketchup, using stews or even baking treats in the shapes of bones and such. However, for any long term play, Eukanuba, Purina and any other brand of animal food you use, are for canines and felines, not humans.
• If you choose to use training and/or shock collars, please, PLEASE read the instructions! On a personal level I am not into electric play, but it is out there. So please, be careful and safe.
• If you put your pup slave into a kennel, please keep in mind that they are very cramped. You do not want your pup slave to be damaged from being in that position for long periods of time.
• If the submissive has had their ability to move and speak restricted it is incredibly important that some form of communication is available to them so that they may communicate if something has happened and/or gone wrong, both physically and emotionally.
• Also, in my opinion having a human pet can add some responsibility to the Dom because when some of the submissive’s humanity is taken away and especially if their communication is restricted, the Dominant must that much more aware of the submissive’s frame of mind.

So that’s a very basic overview of pet play. It can get a lot more specific if one looks at each relationship and the animal(s) involved. A note though; pet play sometimes can be sexual, and sometimes can be completely non-sexual. It, as with everything else, simply depends on the couple involved. Please keep in mind that I am in no way speaking of bestiality. This is two or more human beings acting and role playing within the confines of their negotiated relationship.

Most importantly: Have fun and ask questions if you need or want to!!

In my opinion, pet play can deepen submission, but only if it’s right for you.

Skylerpet is a 24/7 submissive pup in her late 20’s. She has been into pet play since she discovered the D/s lifestyle and can be reached at: requiemskye@yahoo.com for emails and also YIM chat.

photo by photognome

A Single Submissive Packs a Toybag

If you intend to venture into play on a casual level or at play parties and clubs as a single submissive you need to arrive prepared for play. This includes having some of your own toys so that you don’t rely on Dominants being gracious enough to use their toys on you. It is not unusual for a submissive to bring her own toy bag to a party or gathering. You will not be looked upon poorly, but rather very well prepared for a fun time.

Safety Items

A key reason you need some of your own toys is health safety. Using other people’s toys leaves you open to disease and illnesses, other people’s body oils and fluids and anything else they may be carrying. Toys like leather and cloth are porous and will absorb these things easily. Some, like leather, aren’t easily disinfected and cleaned. Being prepared will keep you safe.

• A basic first aid kit
• Tylenol and aspirin
• Your medications
• Hard candy or other quick dissolving sugar item for non-diabetic hypoglycemia
• Condoms
• Lube
• Latex gloves (or non-latex if you have an allergy)
• Disposable Underpads (Chux) or towels
• Baby wipes

Personal Play Items

Another set of items you should have in your play bag are personal play items. These are also called insertables. Dildos, vibrators, anal toys and other sexual items should be used on you only. Bring the ones that you prefer to have used on you and do not allow others to use ones they brought with them. This may seem like common sense, but if insertable play is allowed where you are playing, some tend to offer up whatever is available. Politely decline.

• Dildos
• Vibrators
• Butt plugs
• Anal beads
• Clit massagers
• Hitachi wands
• Lube
• Ben wa balls
• Rope for bondage around the genitals

Percussion Toys

This category is anything that you want used on you. This could be floggers, paddles, slappers, whips, canes. If you come with a small number of these items then another Dominant isn’t going to feel obligated to use his. This is actually to protect the Dominant’s items. If you bleed or sweet heavily or any other fluid gets all over the Dominant’s treasured flogger, he really has no choice but to give it to you. Cleaning leather is next to impossible. Fluid bonded toys should only be used on the person for which the fluids belong. Master has a set of fluid bonded floggers that while others oggle over them they can not use them. We have given over several floggers in this way (Master tends to pop zits and open scratches and continues). This is something we are aware of and prepared for, but if you come with your own toys they will more than likely play with you with them.

• Floggers
• Whips
• Canes
• Slappers
• Paddles
• Crops

Unique Toys

Lastly are any items that are likely to be uncommon or that you have that are special. This could be a hand painted cupping set or perhaps a set of needles with ribbons attached. Anything that you may be one of only a few to own it, bring it with you.

• Tens Units
• Violet Wands
• Special needles or blades
• Unique toys like a rose flogger

Anything else I may have missed? What do you have in your toybag?