All Tied Up: Rope Bondage

This is a guest post for the BDSM Activity Feature Series. patricialynn offers us a look into rope bondage.

Rope bondage is a wonderful thing.  Nothing beats the feel of the rope sliding across my skin, teasing, tantalizing, with taunting promise of bondage to come.  Under the hands of a skilled rope top, bondage can become more than a simple restraint – it becomes an art form.

Most people look at rope bondage and think “I can tie a knot – this should be easy!” But there is more to rope bondage than simply picking up a rope and tying a sub up.  Just like any form of bondage, there are dangers that the participants need to be aware of.

First and foremost, you need to chose the right kind of rope.  Most people chose a smooth rope to lower the risk of chafing, but most smooth ropes also tighten when the rope is moved.  This is a bad idea if your bottom tends to squirm or struggle against the bonds!  For this reason, you want to chose a rope that is smooth but resists being tightened to extremes.

It is also strongly advised to keep a pair of EMT shears handy every time you experiment with rope bondage.  Emergencies do happen, and there are times when it is vital to cut the rope.  Using a knife in those situations is not advised, as you could cut your submissive by accident.

NEVER play around with any form of bondage in the dark.  If your bottom sinks deeply into subspace, she might not be aware if she loses feeling in the bound limbs.  It is the sub’s responsibility to inform her Dominate if she/he feels discomfort from the bondage – but it is also the dominates responsibility to watch the bound areas and monitor for circulation issues.

Rope maintenance is another aspect of bondage that most newcomers don’t consider.  Like fabric, ropes need specific care depending on what substance they are created from.  I am most familiar with hemp rope, which requires regular washing, air drying, and being re-conditioned before use.  This is a process that usually takes 3-4 days and hours of re-conditioning.  Usually bondage rope is not “ready-to-use” right from the start – it needs cleaning and conditioning before you are able to tie a person with it.

Don’t ignore common sense in your lust for rope bondage.  If your bottom has circulation issues or joint problems, severe bondage is probably not a wise choice.  If your sub has fibro or other chronic pain conditions, make sure she is not bound in one position for more than a few minutes at a time.  Design the bondage to allow her to shift and move to avoid severe pain after the scene.

Like any other kink, rope bondage should be researched before experimented with.  There are several wonderful resources available to those with an interest in this artistic form of bondage.  Amazon.com has a good selection of shibari books for beginners.  Another great resource is twistedmonk.com – not only does that site sell some of the best bondage rope on the market, they also offer free instructional videos.

If you live in a kink-friendly area, there are usually classes that teach the basics of rope bondage.  And if you really want in-depth training and background, Shibaricon is held annually in the Chicago area.

Patricialynn is a polyamorous submissive, in a relationship with two Dominants, Mad Baker and Viktor.  She is a mother of three, and a stay-at-home mom.  She is 31 years old, and has been a practicing submissive for two years.

She can be reached through her blog, patricialynnlady.wordpress.com

photo by Diana Blackwell

Up in Flames: The Basics of Fireplay

This is another guest post for the BDSM Play Feature here on SubmissiveGuide. This post about Fire Play is by Gwendolyn. Enjoy!

I have always been a fire bug and am a volunteer fire fighter. So when I became interested in BDSM and heard about fire play it was definitely top of my list of things to try. As soon as I did I was hooked on it. There are many things that can be part of a fire play scene and I will be going over what I have experience in or know a lot about due to research.

Now, there are some things you should know about fire play. Check out the references of the tops offering it. Fire is dangerous. Yea, you may say well.. duh..  But, if you are a submissive like me, you will put all of your trust into your Top/Dom and sometimes not challenge what they doing.  I learned that by not asking about every detail of the fire play aka negotiating out your scene, you are asking to be damaged.  I have scars to prove this point. So if someone brings out a propane torch, end the scene right there.

One of the questions I tend to get often from people who have not tried fire play yet, are how do I handle the pain? Everyone has different techniques, what I have found to be most effective is focus upon your breathing. This works on any kind of play.  Find a focal point and breathe slowly. If part of the safety precaution is to have your head against a support/safety person then close your eyes and still breathe slowly.

If you would like to get in contact with me, please feel free to add me on Fetlife (SehAnru), or email me directly at gwendolynhopping@gmail.com.

Disclaimer: Do Not attempt fire play on yourself, and especially not alone if you are not experienced already. If you do, you are doing so at your own risk, and I, nor Submissive Guide nor anywhere else that this may be posted are to be held responsible for any damages that may occur. Thank you.

Safety Equipment/Precautions: People use varied types of equipment, there are the Nomex hoods used by fire fighters, fire blankets, all the way down to wet wash cloths. As a submissive/bottom don’t be afraid to ask about protective gear. Your safety should always be number one. Make sure your hair is out of the way when doing any kind of flogging or whipping. If you know you will be participating in such a scene, do not use hair spray or perfumes/colognes. Even some lotions have been known to be flammable.

Fire flogging: This is the most common which includes a  flogger made out of Kevlar rope/wicks and some have knots at the end of them not only for the stingy factor but also prevents the ropes from coming unraveled. This I have experienced many times both on my back and upon my front. It is a little more sting than a usual flogger made of leather mostly due to the knots, but the heat is incredible as it isn’t constant, but flashes.  If you have never tried this before, I would recommend just starting out on your back.

Fire Fleshing: This is where designs are made upon your body with the fuel and then set on fire then quickly blown out, wiped out, or smothered with a fire blanket.  The tools used for this vary. Some use drumsticks wrapped in Kevlar, some create pens with a Kevlar wick, and many other creative tools have been made and used. There is more than just Kevlar that can be used, but this is what I am most familiar with. This too I have had experience with both on my back, and front, and even upon my labia. Now, that.. was interesting. Though a note of caution, fire does suck out the moisture in your skin, this includes your sensitive lips, testicles, whatever you may use it on. Have moisturizer with you.. I had shriveled little lips and that was the strangest thing I have ever experienced.

Fire Whipping: Everything with fire is dangerous, but in my opinion this is the most dangerous manner of fire play as it is a single tail whip that is on fire. Some are made with leather and a Kevlar popper at the end, and some also make them completely out of a Kevlar blend then use an aluminum handle, and Kevlar popper. So far I have experienced this once and definitely will be going back for more, but it is not for anyone who does not have a high pain tolerance as it does mark, and can cut the skin.

Fire Cupping: This is an age old medical practice seen most commonly in the Oriental though has been known to pop up all over the world. Some use this as a way of blood letting, while others use it for a manner of reverse acupressure. I have not personally tried this yet, though I have heard many good things about it. Fire cups are relatively inexpensive and can be found in many places online. Always do your research on safety precautions before ever trying something like this.

Flash Paper/cotton: This has had mixed reviews from Fire Master’s and Mistress’s as when it ignites it can cause 3rd degree burns if not placed correctly aka too close together. I would recommend getting: “Flames of Passion: Handbook of Erotic Fire Play.” By David Walker and Robert Rubel with a Forward by Jay Wiseman who I have met personally.

Fire Drumming: This is where fire wands are set on fire and they are drummed against the body in rhythmic manner. This is intense as well as relaxing. Odd combination I know, but it’s true.  Think of it as a heavy Florentine flogging. So yummy.

Here is a neat little parlor trick which is cheap and easy to try, Alberto V05 mouse is flammable. Do not put this in your hair and get close to fire, we don’t want a Michael Jackson or Richard Pryor re-enactment. Make a spiral design, or any design of interest and light it. It can barely be felt, but has a very cool effect. Wipe and rinse, and repeat if you would like.

Always play safe!!

~Gwendolyn Hopping Aka SehAnru

Gwendolyn is an old fashioned Irish service oriented slave in Oregon who has been involved in the S&M part of BDSM for a little over a year now and have been involved in the DS portion of BDSM since she was 9 (Had a Domme for a mother.)So she know a lot about service. She also am a stay at home wife who works on our poly farm,  loves to craft, and is working towards writing my first of many novels. She is quite easy to get along with, and is always open to new friendships so feel free to contact her anytime.

Photo by photos8.com

Can You Separate BDSM and Sex?

When Master and I get to play, it’s quite sexually charged. We find the play and the energy we swap as very sexual. Our play time usually ends in sex of some form. That’s just how we roll. Does it always have to be that way? Heck no! In fact, when I was casually playing, there was no sex at all.

But can you really separate the sex from BDSM? You have to admit that much of what we do during play time is rooted in sexual pleasure and sensation. Even if you are never touched sexually you can achieve orgasm. Does this make it sex or BDSM?

My first kinky experiences were purely sexual and yet I can and have separated the idea  of sex from BDSM. I’m not exactly sure how it happened. Perhaps it could have been necessity. I was casually seeing people when I started exploring. I know that sex was special and important to a relationship; a relationship I wasn’t kindling with any of these partners.

What really comes down to it for you and each partner you have is how you define sex. For myself and the casual partners, sex was any form of penetration. For Master and myself that definition is more inclusive of everything we do.

I recommend that you have a discussion with your partner as a part of negotiation for the first play session that you define what sex is and if it’s a welcome part of your play. I’ve talked about negotiations before so I’m not going to get into the depth of it, but it is a very important part of a new relationship and can be important in well established ones too in certain situations.

So much of what we do is sexual because that is how most of us first explore our kinky side. It’s not uncommon for all of us to start out with the tentative sensations during sex and keep our new side hidden behind bedroom doors. This association alone could lead to your understanding that BDSM is the same as sex.

It doesn’t have to be. If you have been to any variety of play parties you will see a wide variety of play styles. Most parties have rules regarding sexual play. Some won’t allow any at all. Yet you will still see people enjoying themselves and having a good time.

Should you separate BDSM and Sex? That’s completely up to you; but as I’ve said previously there are reasons to do so and there are just as valid reasons not to. BDSM play tends to be just as intimate as sex, sometimes moreso. This is a decision that you should make for yourself while you are still searching for your Dominant or play partner. Stick to what you decide.  Your future intimacy depends on your decisions now.

So, what about you? Can you separate sex from BDSM?

Other Thoughts on BDSM and Sex

• Our chat discussion transcript from 8/25/09 on this very topic
• Is BDSM Sexual?
• BDSM vs. Kink

Domesticity: The Kitchen

The kitchen is the heart of any home and having a clean and germ-free work environment for cooking and food preparation is important. Knowing some skills and cleaning tips can make keeping your kitchen clean and sparkling effortless. No longer is doing dishes and mopping floors drudgery; enhanced it can be an important part of your service when you wear your domestic servant hat.

Danae on Domestic Servitude has put together a fabulous Fall Cleaning list for every room of the house. You can download the PDF of the kitchen cleaning list here! Below is my general cleaning list for the kitchen. You can make yours more detailed and edit it for your own kitchen.

Kitchen Cleaning Checklist

1. Large appliances cleaned inside and out.
2. Small appliances cleaned outside and underneath.
3. Counter tops washed, dried and polished.
4. Kitchen cabinets wiped with furniture polish.
5. Dishes washed, dried and put away or stored in dishwasher.
6. Kitchen sink cleaned out, wiped and polished with cleaner.
7. Kitchen floor swept and damp mopped.
8. Trash removed.

Listed below are articles across the web that I have found to be helpful for setting up my own cleaning routine for the kitchen. I hope that you will explore these and if you don’t have a cleaning routine in place; consider starting one with the kitchen.

Kitchen Cleaning Tips – Easy tips and preventative measures to keeping your kitchen clean and organized.

Quick and Easy Kitchen Cleaning Tips – Preventative tips and quick cleaning to have your guests complimenting your kitchen.

Kitchen Cleaning Tips – Tips submitted by readers on LifeTip.com

Kitchen Cleaning Tips for the Lazy Cleaner – Quick and easy tips for anyone that leads a busy life.

Natural Kitchen Cleaning Tips – Using everyday household items like vinegar and baking soda to clean instead of harmful and expensive cleaners.

Stop Scrubbing: Fast and Easy Kitchen Cleanup Tips – Small tips to keep things cleaner in the kitchen before you have a mess.

Kitchen Cleaning Tips - An extensive cleaning how-to for every item in your kitchen.

15 Minute Kitchen Clean Up – Cleaning the kitchen doesn’t have to take a lot of time!

Intense Kitchen Cleaning – If you have more time, here’s a longer, more intense cleaning.

Kitchen Cleaning Tips – More little tips to keep your kitchen sparkling and germ free.

photo by palindrome6996

Submissive Chat Night 11/17/09: Negotiation and Common Sense

It’s time for another Submissive Chat Night! This is a repeat of a chat that was rescheduled due to illness.

When: Nov 17th at 8pm CST. It is expected to last about 1 1/2 hours.

Topic: Negotiations and Common Sense

Optional Pre-reading:

• Ouch is Not a Safe Word: Safe Words, Limits and Scene Protocol
• Limits and Negotiations
• Establishing Limits: Going Full Circle
• Can I Get That In Writing: Basics of Negotiations
• Article on Negotiations

Some chat night rules, up for discussion.

1. I would like to be able to post the edited chat log for the discussion on this website and will put it up for a vote every chat night. Vote will decide for that night only.
2. Dominant bashing will not be allowed. Gossip is not welcome. Using people’s full names, or those of people not in the chat will be subject to banning for the duration of the discussion. Please don’t make me use my powers. I’d like to keep this comfortable for everyone; even those not present.

How to get to the chat room

The chat room is attached to this site under the Resources link at the top, or you can click this link here. You will want to click on that big CHAT image to open the chat room. It will ask for your nickname and then automatically connect you to the chat room. It is open all the time, so if you want to meet some people, hang out in there. I try to be there when I’m at my computer too.

If you use an IRC desktop client you can connect to the server directly. Here is the information you need to find the room:

Server: irc.mibbit.com
Port: 6667
Channel: #submissive-guide

Questions? Let me know. Otherwise I hope to see a lot of you there on Tuesday!

The Basics of Negotiating a Scene

It can be very scary approaching a Dominant and asking them to play with you. The butterflies in your belly can make it very difficult to take that first step. It can be every worse if you two don’t negotiate the scene so that you get what you want out of it and s/he does too. Negotiating a scene is different than negotiating a relationship. I will be covering the play negotiation in this essay.  Negotiating play is vital for new players or for those who have never played together. Once you get to know someone it is likely that unless you have something you’d really like to experience you can forego some negotiation for spontaneity.

When you are ready to negotiate with someone have in mind what you would like to experience. You can be as specific as you’d like to be. Express what turns you on and what things you have tried in the past that really did it for you. Tell them your limits; and if you don’t know your limits it’s best if you go back to do your checklist again. It will give you a clue as to what you can and can’t do as well as things that just aren’t appealing.

Negotiating pre-scene can include (from wikipedia):

• Arrangement of Roles – who will be the top and the bottom, participation of any other observers, and the way partners address each other;
• Expectations and needs of both partners – likes and dislikes of submissive and dominant partners and the ability to fulfill each other’s needs;
• Limits of the scene – boundaries that are set to define what experience is acceptable within psychological (such as humiliation, obedience or verbal violation) and physical limits (such as pain, marks and resistance to various influences);
• Types of play – practices that would be included in a scene: bondage, role-playing, spanking or sensory deprivation;
• BDSM Gear and attire – what materials, adult toys and fetish wear will be used;
• Duration of the scene – at what time the play starts and ends, who will be in charge of the time;
• Health concerns – talking over existent health problems: allergies, chronic diseases, STD’s, taking any medications and other;
• Safety measures – any safety tools to prevent situations when something goes wrong;
• Sexual contact – what type of sexual activity is accepted if any;
• Safe words – one or set of verbal and non-verbal signs that will be used to stop the play or slow it down.

More Reading:

From eHow

Finding Domesticity In You

I’m personally not a very domestic person. When I do find the desire to clean it’s normally to relieve stress (believe it or not). It can help calm my  nerves and give my mind something else to do while working on the house. Since I’ve become Master’s stay at home submissive I find I need to look further than stress relief to get the chores done. I’m certain that you have felt the same way too. Chores just happen to be the reality of a submissive sometimes. It’s not glorifiying, it’s not fantasy. It’s just life. If you are fortunate to have a Dominant willing to share the domestic chores that’s wonderful, but many submissives have to balance work and home life to make their Dominant happy.

So what does this have to do with washing dishes? Sure the title is misleading until I tell you a little story. One night I was exploring the internet via Google search looking for ways to develop my domestic skills, I was searching for simple ways to do things, greener cleaning solutions and so forth. One of the links I clicked was Make Washing Dishes Fun by danae over on Domestic Servitude. It was the first time I had encountered this site and it wasn’t going to be the last. I read all of the archives. She also has a post on Handwashing Dishes that I enjoyed. I found there were small ways to recapture the joys of cleaning and home care.

Since then I have grown in my way of cleaning, I’m finding simpler ways to do things. I have learned to recycle and prepare some simple things. The inspiration I get from the site was all I needed to push me further into my domestic service. I’m far from perfect but I’m getting better every single day.

The site has grown since I first found it. danae has taken on a few more authors to help her with the work and the reading is fabulous. If you have any domestic struggles with your submission this is a fantastic website to go to for all sorts of tips. I especially enjoy the recipes personally, but they share lots of fantastic DIY items, internet finds and so much more. I don’t think anything like this exists anywhere else. Can I just say I love this site?!

What other sites would you recommend for someone learning domesticity?

Recommended Reading for New Submissives

The following is a list of books that I recommend for every novice submissive. The links lead you to Amazon if you are interested in buying the books. Part of your purchase goes towards supporting this site and my efforts at continuing to bring you content on this site.

Books

Learning the Ropes: A Basic Guide to Safe and Fun S/m Lovemaking by Race Bannon. This brief volume explains how partners can explore their dominant and submissive S/M fantasies in a safe and fun manner. Negative myths are dispelled and replaced with the truth about the kind of S/M erotic play that so many adults enjoy. You’ll learn what S/M is, how to do it safely, and much, much more.

Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission by William Brahme and Gloria Brahme. A breakthrough in sexual literature, this work is a complete, comprehensive user-friendly guide to and tour through the world of alternative sexual lifestyles. While the topics are exotic and erotic, the authors handle each one in a sensitive, thorough, analytical, and fascinating way and manage to explain a secret world to those who might wish to visit.

Sensuous Magic 2 Ed: A Guide to S/M for Adventurous Couples by Patrick Califia. Mixing erotic vignettes with practical how-to advice and personal insight, Sensuous Magic is the author’s guide to sadomasochism for couples. For readers who harbor fantasies of erotic dominance and submission, Sensuous Magic demystifies S/M, explaining terminology and technique. Experienced players will appreciate the author’s knowledge of S/M safety and his insight into S/M psychology. Novices will be reassured by the book’s honest, frank approach. This new edition discusses myths about S/M, the psychology of bondage, communication and negotiation, techniques of pleasure and sensation (including tickling, pressure, temperature, impact play, and whipping), and sex in S/M scenes. Also included are a glossary, updated bibliography, and resource guide.

Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism by Philip Miller and Molly Devon. Screw the Roses enthusiastically covers all the basics and even some of the not-so-basics–bondage, negotiation, sex, endorphins, dominance and submission, toys, safety, S/M community, and beyond. It’s written primarily from the point of view of male dominant/female submissive interactions, but it’s easily translatable into valuable advice for any relationship configuration. Miller and Devon’s explanations of not just the how, but also the why, of sadomasochism are honest, sexy, funny–and a must-have for anyone who wants to learn about sadism, masochism, dominance, submission, or bondage.

The Compleat Slave: Creating And Living An Erotic Dominant/submissive Lifestyle by Jack Rinella. In this highly anticipated followup to The Master’s Manual, author jack Rinella continues his in-depth exploration and discussion of Dominant/submissive relationships with his latest book, The Compleat Slave. This informative overview of the leather scene features Rinella’s guidelines, tips, and personal experiences in creating safe and sane Master/slave relationships. Whether you are a novice or an experienced Master or slave, this insightful and forthright volume will prove to be a great read and a valuable reference guide.

Why the Word ‘Training’ Confuses Novices

The word ‘training’ is a stumbling block for many novices and experienced submissives alike. The reason for this is that so many define training as the organized learning of behavior and activities in structured sessions or steps and that once complete, your training is complete. Let’s dispel that myth right now. Submissive and slave training is not set up this way. It is far far different.

When you enter into a relationship with a Dominant it is very likely that the word training will come into it in a fashion like this;

1. I will train you to serve me.
2. You will undergo slave training.
3. Have you had any training?

First let’s discuss what the word ‘training’ really means in a D/s dynamic setting. When you undergo training, what is really meant is that you are learning the mannerisms, behavior, attitude and activities that will please that Dominant. You never finish your training. Once you have learned the basics of what they wish from you, you can be sure that there will be advanced technique and finally anticipatory service. That’s right, training you do yourself to make sure you can provide for your Master’s needs before they appear to need them! There are so many levels of training, and that’s the beauty of it. You never stop learning.

If you leave one relationship and enter into another you should be prepared to unlearn some of the training you underwent with a previous Dominant. This is because not all Dominants like the same behaviors. Training is not universal, it is specialized and unique to each relationship. If a Dominant asks if you have been trained they really aren’t looking for a yes or no answer, they want specifics so that they know what they may want to use or to deprogram.

Once we learn with the word ‘training’ really means for us, then we can understand the context for which it is used in a BDSM situation. ~melly had a really good comment on another post here at Submissive Guide about training. Here is an excerpt. I recommend you go read the whole thing!

training isn’t final. it’s never-ending. and if someone tells me (upon contacting me as a domina, which i also am) “i’ve been trained” my first response is, “not to me, you haven’t.” i don’t want ANYONE to come into a relationship with ME thinking that what they learned in a previous relationship makes them more desirable, or that what they learned is even going to be preferable! and i certainly don’t want anyone thinking that prior “training” is required for them to be a perfectly good submissive or serviceperson.

What do you have to say about training? What is training to you?

Learning to Apply Makeup

Some relationships and Dominants require their submissives to wear a certain level of make up. My Master requires that I wear makeup before leaving the house. Others I know like fake nails, or nice manicures, pedicures and fancy make up.

There are a lot of tips out there on how to apply makeup so that it looks clean, fresh and natural looking to strong, loud and fancy. Looking your best for your partner can be an integral part of taking care of yourself. Here are a list of some of the best places to find tutorials and tips for making up your face.

Please feel free to share your own tips and tricks in the comments, they could wind up in another post next week for shared readers tips!

Beauty-Basics.net

Free Makeup Tips

Woman Beauty Tips

Allure Backstage Makeup

Makeup Tip.com

Makeup Tips.org

Video Search for Makeup Tips

Wild about Makeup

Beauty Tips

Do you have any tried and true makeup tips to share?

photo by annia316

Review: Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns

If you’ve been around the BDSM and D/s scene at all there is one of many books that always comes up in conversation as a good book to read when you are new to the whole lifestyle. This book is Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism by Philip Miller and Molly Devon. It comes as recommended reading for anyone curious about BDSM and want a primer for what SM is all about. This was the first book I purchased when I as first learning and is still the go to guide for helping me explain to novices certain aspects of safety, and loving play that I may not have the right words for.

This book is written in the male Dominant / female submissive interactions, but it’s easily translatable into valuable advice for any relationship configuration.  “Screw the Roses enthusiastically covers all the basics and even some of the not-so-basics–bondage, negotiation, sex, endorphins, dominance and submission, toys, safety, S/M community, and beyond.” –Cheryl Trooskin

The first few chapters are dedicated to introducing the basics, safety and recognizing abuse in BDSM relationships. The information is provided in  a clear and concise manner that even the most novice of users can understand and get on board with. The book ascribes to Safe, Sane and Conensual form of safety which I also recommend for new explorers into BDSM. It’s a great help for further into the book that these terms are defined so that understanding comes easier.

Once the basics are down the Philip and Molly take you into relationships. How to find a partner, exploring the roles and basic etiquette are the bulk of these chapters. I love that etiquette is covered as so many seem to forget their manners once they enter into a kinky relationship. Lewd is rude, no matter the situation. You can pick up information on negotiation and setting limits. There is also an interesting chart for the different roles.

The bulk of the book is dedicated to teaching safe basic technique. You can pick up information on bondage and other forms of play with detailed explanations. There is also a few chapters on flogging and impact play for those looking to dive right into the fun stuff. This area is not only good for the novice, but an experienced player could pick up a few tips and tricks. This is definitely a book that should be in every BDSM library.

Near the end the authors cover endorphins and subpace as well as the psychological effects of play.Mindfucks, forced exhibitionism, verbal abuse, and public play are not for everyone and play that involves a person’s mind and emotions can be dangerous and should be explored slowly and consensually.

No primer would be complete without a glimpse into the dungeon equipment and tools that are used during a kinky encounter. There is also an appendix to stores, support groups and communities that can help the newcomer step out into the world. The photos are a nice touch and help to display what Philip and Molly are talking about throughout the book.  It has an excellent table of contents to find things quickly and a useful appendix for things to help anyone get started.

All in all, there is no wonder why so many people recommend this book as one of the first books for someone just starting out in BDSM. It has everything you could wish for in a complete overview of BDSM book.

Product Details

• Paperback: 277 pages
• Publisher: Mystic Rose Books; 1st ed edition (July 1, 1988)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0964596008
• luna’s Rating: 9/10

Buy Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism

Bookshelf

A good book can help you learn more about yourself and your submission or enhance a skill you have always wanted to learn. Here is a growing list of books to help you on the way. Do you have a suggestion for a book listed here? Please email me at subguide@gmail.com. Thank you.

View Submissive Guide Amazon Store for more selections

Beginning BDSM

• Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism by Phillip Miller – Review
• SM 101: A Realistic Introduction by Jay Wiseman
• BDSM Primer by Ralph White
• Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission by Gloria Brahme – Review
• Partners in Power: Living in Kinky Relationships by Jack Rinella
• When Someone You Love Is Kinky by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Lizst

Dominance

• The Art Of Sensual Female Dominance: A Guide for Women by Claudia Varrin
• The Loving Dominant by John and Libby Warren
• The Sexually Dominant Woman: A Workbook for Nervous Beginners by Lady Green
• The New Topping Book by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy
• The Master’s Manual: A Handbook of Erotic Dominance by Jack Rinella

Submission

• Erotic Surrender: The Sensual Joys of Female Submission by Claudia Varrin
• The Compleat Slave: Creating And Living An Erotic Dominant/submissive Lifestyle by Jack Rinella
• Erotic Slavehood: A Miss Abernathy Omnibus by Christina Abernathy
• Becoming a Slave by Jack Rinella
• SlaveCraft: Roadmaps for Erotic Servitude–Principles, Skills and Tools by Guy Baldwin - Review
• The New Bottoming Book by Dossie Easton and Janet W Hardy – Review
• The Submissive Activity Book: Building Blocks To Better Service by Shannon Reilly

Ritual and Protocol

• Protocols: Handbook for the female slave by Robert J. Rubel
• Creating A Personal Protocol by Shannon Reilly
• The Bride Wore Black Leather…And He Looked Fabulous!: An Etiquette Guide for the Rest of Us by Drew Campbell
• Protocol Handbook for the Leather Slave: Theory and Practice by Robert J. Rubel
• Manual Creation: Defining the Structure of an M/s Household by Machele Kindle and Master Fire

Master/slave

• Master/slave Relations: Handbook of Theory and Practice (M/s Studies Books) by Robert Rubel
• Master/slave Relations: Solutions 401: Graduate Studies in Meeting Challenges in your Relationship (M/s Series) by Robert Rubel

Leather Culture and History

• Chainmale: 3SM–A Unique View of Leather Culture by Don Bastian

SM and Play

• Consensual Sadomasochism : How to Talk About It and How to Do It Safely by William A. Henkin and Sybil Holiday
• Bound to Be Free: The Sm Experience by Charles Moser
• The Compleat Spanker by Lady Green
• Consensual Spanking by Jules Markham
• Flogging by Joseph Bean
• Flogging: The Basics and Beyond (SMTech Educational) by Joseph Bean
• Learning the Ropes: A Basic Guide to Safe and Fun S/m Lovemaking by Race Bannon
• Jay Wiseman’s Erotic Bondage Handbook by Jay Wiseman
• Two Knotty Boys Showing You The Ropes: A Step-by-Step, Illustrated Guide for Tying Sensual and Decorative Rope Bondage by Two Knotty Boys
• Two Knotty Boys Back on the Ropes by Two Knotty Boys

Sex and Sexuality

• American Sex Machines: The Hidden History of Sex at the U.S. Patent Office by Hoag Levins
• Anal Pleasure & Health: A Guide for Men and Women by Jack Morin
• Come Hither: A Commonsense Guide To Kinky Sex by Gloria Brahme
• The Guide to Getting It On, 6th Edition by Psy.D Paul Joannides

Spirituality

• Dark Moon Rising: Pagan BDSM and the Ordeal Path by Raven Kaldera

Crafts and DIY

• Bondage on a Budget by Alison Tyler and Dante Davidson

Simply Service

A once-a-month newsletter/e-zine written for service oriented people, by service oriented people in M/s, D/s or Leather relationships.

Current contributors are all slave or submissive identified, and in real time relationships where obedience and service are necessary, valued skills, achieved over time. I have been fortunate enough to meet these lovely people all over the country, and have delighted in great conversations, where we sometimes agree, and sometimes disagree, but are bound by a mutual respect of each other’s choices. Occasionally, words from the “other side” might be included as well, as many perspectives will be represented.

Many current contributors are active in their own local leather communities, as well as maintaining relationships, homes, jobs and more. We know it can be a balancing act. We know it isn’t pretty all the time. We’ll be sharing our stories, tricks, tips, lessons learned (easy and hard), mistakes, and human foibles.

Every possible relationship combination will be represented, as this is about service, and can transcend gender and role orientations. Contributors are encouraged to write about issues they are currently facing, and as such each issue may go in a number of directions. The thought of “theming” issues has arisen, and is on hold at this time to allow for freedom of expression and creativity as this project finds a niche of its own. Philosophy, skill training, methods, and more may be examined.

Simply Service Groups on the Web

Yahoo Group: Simply Service
FetLife Group: Simply Service

Contributions will be accepted and reviewed on a per submission basis for addition into a future issue. Please include a bio, and any references you have and send submissions to msolympusleather2003@cox.net.

To view these newsletters you must have the free Adobe Reader or another PDF reader.  Here’s where you can get it! Download Adobe Reader

Archives

Holiday 2008 Download Now!	The Matriarch of Merriment by Sazmira Holiday Tips and Ideas by Danae Holiday Traditions by Whipmaster Bob Clark The Great Christmas Tree Adventure by BootPig Gift Wrap Like a PorkChop by PorkChop Making Croissants for the Holidays by Wildfluers Also Tons of Holiday Recipe Cards!

Unconventional Service by Dusk Peterson Making House Guests Comfortable and Welcome by Danae Carson Not Trustworthy, Risk Worthy SWJ2 Media Release	August 2008 Download Now!

June 2008 Download Now!	Rolling with the Punches by Joy C. On Pigs by Whipmaster Bob Clark Working Backwards by kate maripose

Is Slavery Real? by Darren Productivity Tools Training Outside of the Box by Bootpig porkchops Rules of Bedding: Inside Info from a Retail Whore	May 2008 Download Now!

November 2006 Download Now!

The Path of Service, a Primer Part 1: The Mental, Physical, and Spiritual Disciplines of Service and Surrender by Mercedes White Socks by Jamie Nemitz Personal Responsibility in BDSM by ZooDirt and Kyphi Community Service by Kassie Nine Fold Path Seminars This Month in NC and GA The Role of Slavery in Modern Society by mair A Dominant’s View of Service by Mermaid Master A Series: The Glorified Bottom by Kathryn_Tact For Pig by BootPig

When You Say Nothing At All – Nonverbal Communication in the Scene by seri My Little Sister Wants a Slave by Mistress Grace Hope’s journal Ritual of the Pipe by izzy Service in Daddy Moments by Sean-Michael Traveling with Master by Elegant Brighten your World? Clean your Windows! by sweetkahi Our Readers Write!	February 2006 Download Now!

November 2005 Download Now!	My Journey by slavedebbie Community Unity by Master Kalan Declutter 101 by Tante Jen Metamorphosis by slave a Naturally Polyamourous by Mistress Pamela Essay by E Missy Hall Intimate Partner Abuse in the BDSM Lifestyle by sequi

Ledgerbook Service by Jezzie, property of Anton Eulogy for O by slave a Pantheon of Leather Nominations From the Editor and Letters Humidity and Leather Toys – Flirting with Danger by Elegant Time Management by Mistress Grace Politely Encouraging Departure or “Go Home, Please” by sazmira Reader’s Write! August Responses and September’s Question Are you Experienced? by Kassie Humility by sweetkahi	September 2005 Download Now

August 2005 Download Now!	Grace in Service by Linda ‘BootPig’ Hall Being Transparent for Daddy by slaveboi carlie Aromatherapy Uses in Service by Tante Jen Working with Speech Protocols by slave a Rule of St Benedict Notes for use in Master/slave or service relationships by slave jean Our Readers Write! Consideration 101 by sazmira

Service does not always mean Serious by morgana From the Editor and GWNN Bash Announcement Southwest Leather Conference Announcement – Looking for PR reps Luxury in the Bath with Tante Jen Aftercare starts with Negotiations by Lady Wyllo hope’s Journal The Pitfalls of Excellence by slave a A Life without Rules by Tante Jen	July 2005 Download Now!

June 2005 Download Now!

The Reality of Reliance by ZD, one of our rare offerings from the Top perspective Hiding in Plain Sight by wonderwoman. Balancing your service relationship with functioning the real world. Children, jobs, and more Psycho-Hostess: Tamed? slave jean Are you a Psycho-Hostess? A humorous, but real, look at how obsessive the service-minded can be, and how to reel that in and make it graceful. Deconstruction of Bootblacking by Steven Hagen, 2005 Southwest Bootblack and IMBB First Runner-Up 2005 hope

Ritualizing the Ordinary by slave jean Discovering Leather Care as Service by Sean Michael Part II of the The Write Stuff: Written Communication in Service by morgana Part II of the Mental Orgasm: The Phenomenon of Brain Sex series by Wyllo Hand Signals as a tool of communication by BootPig	May 2005 Download Now!

April 2005 Download Now!	slave a is back with an introspective look at Presumption in Service From the Editor The Art of the Interview

From the Editor –Linda Service Oriented and Protocols If He told you to jump off a bridge… Submission from Strength New Studies Show Diamonds Cause Irritation in Slaves Working Outside the Home A Feminist Perspective of BDSM Ritual Routine Recommitment Head space, slave space, sub space and other places we travel	March 2005 Download Now!

February 2005 Download Now!	Living Authentically Serving While Sick A is for Alpha The Symbology of Ritual Earned Respect of Proper Manners Bed Linens Primer

Welcome from Linda ‘Bootpig’ Hall Catherine Gross. Servants Retreat 2005 How does your service rank? Using the hospitality industry as a reference. Obedience. A slave examines the development of obedience. The Basics of Resistance Management The differences between submissives and slaves. Is one deeper than the other or are they just different?? Master/slave is not another form of marriage Beginning to serve tea

January 2005 Download Now!

The Differences Between Bottom, Masochist, Submissive and Slave

As a point of personal opinion I’d like to define the differences between very basic terms so that there is no confusion as to who I am referring to when I mention either of these terms. I write this guide in my perspective and provide my mentorship and guidance with these terms clearly defined for me. I welcome varying viewpoints in the comments so please feel free to disagree civilly and provide your own view.

There are several other names that can be ‘classed’ for the submissive role in a relationship. The ones I’m covering here are the basics. I am well aware of toys, pets, sluts, servants and many many other names. Please do not feel that I am not leaving you out, but for the sake of clarity and simplicity I am covering only Bottom, Masochist, Submissive and Slave.

Bottom

A bottom is the lower role within a play session. Generally the person does not submit outside of the agreed upon time that both parties are enjoying the physical aspects of play. Bottoms have more control over what happens in the scene than other submissive types.

Masochist

A masochist is someone who likes to receive pain for pleasure. They can be the bottom in a scene but the reason I gave it a separate designation is that there are Dominant roles that are also masochist.

Submissive

A submissive is someone that submits in a relationship either part of full-time. This can involve only in the bedroom play all the way to live-in service. A submissive generally submits only to those they are in a D/s relationship with and are respectful of others outside of it. A submissive has roles and rules and structure to guide their interactions with their Dominant and with others. Most of the time they still hold a veto card called the safeword.

Slave

A slave is a separate form of submissive. They hold no limits other than what their Masters give them. They can not refuse service to their Dominant. The argument has been going on since the beginning of time about the real differences and so I’d like to set up right here what I believe so that you can understand where I am coming from when discussions happen on this site. A slave is on a deeper more intense level of service than any submissive could work up to. If someone says they were submissive and became a slave, it is because they were always a slave and are now finally identifying as that. Becoming a slave is re-identifying yourself, not just a progression but an intensification of submission.

Feel free to share your thoughts in the comments! What name to do you rest well under?

photo credit honeyjew

Beginning Your Training Resume

A training resume is just another name for a folder where you are going to start keeping your list of training achieved, history and important documents. Much like the training folders mentioned in The Marketplace series by Laura Antoniou you can build a file on yourself to offer your current or future dominant partner(s). Throughout the course of this program you will learn how to write your own files, learn to focus your training in the direction you wish to go and develop a personal development plan for your own growth.

It all begins with the basic information that all dominant request of a submissive when they are first getting to know someone. This is known as a basic profile. Personal basic profiles are a great way to distill information in an interesting and digestible format.The process to writing a personal profile are to intrigue the reader about the person it is written about.

1. Be Concise and condense – No one needs to know everything in every small detail about you in a profile. Try to say it in as few words as possible.
2. Choose your adjectives – Use a thesaurus if you need to. Find words that clearly state what you want to say.
3. Choose specific terms – ‘I like sports’ is not nearly as clear as ‘I like soccer’. Make sure you express yourself completely.
4. Write in outline format – Outline format is easier to follow and give a snapshot of what you are like.
5. Present a 3D image of yourself – Don’t just focus on a few aspects of your life.
6. Be honest – Don’t lie or exaggerate.
7. Take pride in who you are – Use positive words but do not brag.

Some information you may want to include:

• personality (choose 3 power words)
• likes/dislikes
  • food
  • entertainment
  • activities
  • hobbies
  • music
• family life
• education
• religion/spirituality/beliefs
• causes you are active in
• living situation
  • environment
  • location
• pet peeves (You can learn a lot about a person on this issue alone.)
• goals/dreams/plans
  • professional
  • personal
• travel
• hope to accomplish
• family structure or size (i.e. ‘Would like to have 5 kids.’)
• unusual experiences (i.e. ‘Worked in the peace corps in the Sudan,’ ‘went to Germany in school,’ ’survived a severe storm,’ ‘met famous person,’ ‘home-schooled kids.’)
• what is important to you (i.e. ’saving money to help the needy’ or ‘protect the environment.’)
• talents or skills
  • musical
  • artistic
  • sports
  • drama
• groups or affiliations or online communities you belong to (another way to learn about someone)

Once you get the basics together you can start developing your training history. We’ll start putting that together in future posts.

Building your Training Resume

1. Beginning Your Training Resume
2. Recording Your Training History
3. Recording Your Completed Training
4. Mapping Out Your Ideal Submission
5. The BDSM Checklist that will Really Help You
6. Add Your Reading List
7. Add Cons, Classes and Events

Distinguishing Between Wants and Needs

Continuing the Wants and Needs Series, this essay is about knowing the difference between wants and needs. If you would like to read the previous essay, please read “Know What You Want, Learn What You Need.”

The difference between wants and needs can be answered in one basic question. Is this something you can live without?

Need- something you have to have
Want -something you would like to have

When we discuss basics, the needs are food, clothing and shelter, but what about relationships? When you enter into a relationship you have needs to be fulfilled also.  These could be love, attention, and affection. In a D/s relationship these could also be rules, structure, discipline and many others.

Exercise

Make a list of everything you dream of having in your perfect relationship. Don’t be stingy, list it all. Once you have made your list, go through each item and decide if it is a want or a need. Imagine your relationship without each item. Would it detract from your happiness? If it would, then it is a need. If you could be happy without it, then it is a want. Mark them so that you can refer to these two lists as needed.

Place this list in your Training Resume.

The wants on your list are just as important as the needs, but because they are only wants, they do not all have to be met to make you happy. Some of these could be desires that could be met once and that want can be removed from your list. Try to make sure that when you are in a relationship there is a happy balance of wants filled as well as the needs you need to feel completed.

In the next post in the series I’m going to talk about how to share your wants and needs with your partner so that you can make sure the relationship is compatible for the both of you.

Stay tuned.

Wants and Needs Series

1. Know What You Want, Learn What You Need
2. Distinguishing Between Wants and Needs
3. The Importance of Needs
4. Expressions of Wants and Needs
5. What Should You Do When Your Wants or Needs Aren't Met?

Know What You Want, Learn What You Need

Wants and needs are very important to any relationship. When you start to understand who you are as a submissive, it’s time to figure out what you are looking for in a relationship.

Submissives all over seem to know what they want out of a relationship; it’s always present in their minds. The play, the sex, the love or strictness of dominance. Wants are very valid to the happiness in your life, but more important are the needs. When you think of needs, the list seems to come harder and people struggle more with defining what they really need.

Wants and needs are always changing for me. As my submission develops I have to review what I want and need from my Owner to make me feel comfortable in my role. We talk frequently about both of our desires and needs and that way we can make sure that our relationship stays strong and we are both getting out of it what we put into it. It’s that important.

I’d like to write a series of essays about defining wants and needs so that you can really control all of the things you desire and comfortably share them with your partner or perspective partner. Hopefully after you read my posts you will have a better handle on what’s most important to you and what you can live without but would prefer not to.

Needs

Needs for a submissive are the core items that will provide you with ‘life’. In reality these are the basics of life such as water, shelter, air and food. But you can also name your own personal needs amongst them. These personal needs are what I’ll be talking about in this series.

Wants

A person’s wants are desires that are additional to needs, but are not required for your happiness. Discerning your needs from your wants is a step by step process. We’ll cover how to figure out the differences between wants and needs in another post.

You may want to follow along with a notebook and pen on hand, or if you like digital then open up a word processor application. I’m going to cover the importance of knowing what your needs are in the next post of this series.

Wants and Needs Series

1. Know What You Want, Learn What You Need
2. Distinguishing Between Wants and Needs
3. The Importance of Needs
4. Expressions of Wants and Needs
5. What Should You Do When Your Wants or Needs Aren't Met?