March is Question Month

As so many bloggers are known to do, I am opening up this site for your questions… even the personal ones. March is the month known in a small sphere as Question Month!

If you have a question about submission, your own struggles or anything to do with BDSM this is your chance. I’ll also take personal questions about myself and you can ask questions directed at my new contributors as well. I’ll take questions until March 30th. You can post a comment on this post or email me via the form at the top of the site. I will not use your name unless you allow me to.

This should be an interesting experience. Please feel free to ask me (or Rayne, nan{SL},mrsK) anything.

Novice Q&A – February Edition

Novice Q & A is for you to ask questions about things you’d like more information on, advice you are looking for or anything else. You can even ask me personal questions! My inbox is always open so you can send me questions whenever they occur. Last month I answered questions about appropriate greetings and topping from the bottom in new relationships, if you’d like to take a look, head on over to January’s Edition of the Q&A.

Question:

“I am starting to make friends in the community and enjoy going to the munches, but the idea of actually trying anything terrifies me. I went to a play party last night to observe and really didn’t see anything that interested me. I was asked a few times what I wanted to try and I honestly could not give them an answer. After I left the party and all day today I felt like I want to run for the hills.

“I just don’t know what to do, something interests me enough that I walked through the doors of the munch, but now I’m too scared to try to figure out what it is I want. For weeks I have had this image of myself holding an apple (as in the forbidden fruit) trying to decide “do I take a bite or not” and now the image has shifted to the apple is on the other side of this great wall (I can only image the wall if my fear) and I’m trying to figure out if I want to climb over or not.”

My Response:

Being a novice submissive and fearful of that first step is common. Let me tell you what I think based on your short missive to me.

You may not be SM inclined. Most play parties are all about the flesh and intense sensation. Perhaps what drew you to BDSM and the fact that you like munches is actually the submissive/service aspect. You may be more attracted to the idea of a Dominant man/woman and providing them with an atmosphere of service and comfort. Now these are just guesses, but if you feel the sensation to run away and hide after seeing the physical aspects that some people engage in, perhaps that’s just not for you.

Or, you aren’t ready to experience the physical side of things. That’s okay too. Most people need to feel comfortable with someone before they would let them sit next to them, let alone see them partially (completely) naked and do kinky/sensual things to them. Take a deep breath, you aren’t alone.

I recommend you continue to explore yourself, attend the munches and become familiar with ALL of the things that BDSM can provide you. I’m certain that you will find what attracted you in the first place and the light bulb will go off. Trust me. The wall you experienced is fear and easy to break down with knowledge. Ask questions, seek guidance and learn. You have all the time in the world to take a bite of the apple.

Question:

I am enrolled in is a sociocultural anthropology course on culture and emotion. As part of my program we have to explore an emotion or set of emotions specific to a particular culture. I would like to explore the emotions related to sub-frenzy/sub-fever. I know that by objectively examining the different experiences of others, I will A) get a better grasp and understanding of my own emotions, and B) should this paper and its research ever be published it would be a helpful resource for others. What I am seeking is some help, either interviews with people or just their own emotonal experiences with this topic. All information would be used in the most respectful manner and I would ethically be responsible for maintaining protective measures for all people who provide information or personal experences on the event/emotion.

My Response:

This question actually goes out to you the readers of Submissive Guide. An article on Sub Frenzy can be found here if you need to have the term defined. If you are interested in helping Valerie with her research, you can reach her at vjones@ucsd.edu.

Novice Q & A – January Edition

This year I’m starting a new series of posts that will occur once a  month just like the Roundtable did last year. Novice Q & A is for you to ask questions about things you’d like more information on, advice you are looking for or anything else. You can even ask me personal questions! My inbox is always open so you can send me questions whenever they occur.

This month, being the first month, I have a few questions asked in groups on FetLife. Any identifying information has been removed for the sake of anonymity.

When at a munch, do you find it inappropriate to extend your hand in greeting to a Dom/Master/Top? Is there a more appropriate greeting that could be extended?

It can be intimidating to meet new people at a BDSM gathering, especially if you are new yourself. I’d recommend listening to your mom’s voice in your head; be courteous and shake people’s hands if they are extended to you. If they don’t extend a hand you can nod and smile with a “nice to meet you”. Most people in a social setting won’t blink twice about a handshake. Just because you are submissive and the person you are greeting is a Dominant does not mean you have to greet them any more submissively. You are NOT submitting to anyone in that room (unless you have a partner with you).

A lot of social munches I’ve been to it has been common that once you know someone a little bit then hugs get passed around as well as handshakes. Maybe it’s a Midwest thing, maybe not.  You do not have to accept hugs if you are not comfortable.  Just stop them short by offering your hand if they come at you arms outstretched.

When meeting new Dominants and building a relationship is it considered topping from the bottom to try to explain how to get the best response from my body?

Novices, myself included at one time long ago, believed that the Dominant didn’t want my input and would magically just know what I loved and enjoyed and how to pleasure me. Turns out I was doing them and myself a disservice. It is not considered topping from the bottom to help the Dominant along with learning your body and your responses. They would appreciate the road map to be sure. Any Dominant that is worth his/her salt is going to want you to be open about yourself. Besides, your responses are part of what does it for them. So tell them if stroking your hair makes you melt or that biting really gets your body going. Even in the middle of a scene it could be necessary, imperative almost, to respectfully tell them if something they are doing isn’t working for you.

photo credit immrchris

What are Dress Protocols?

I had a question sent to me via YouTube asking me about for information about dress protocols. I can only tell you what I am familiar with, so be aware that there are many many other forms of dress protocols and just as many (if not more) reasons behind them. I’m going to assume that the person who asked me wants to understand rules and protocols, not just special occasions where protocol may be in place.

Let’s start out with a refresher of what a rule is in comparison with a protocol. A rule is something that often a spoken or written direction for behavior and generally applies all the time. A protocol, as I understand it, is a set of nonverbal rules for specific purposes and occasions. A dress protocol for a wedding is different than that for a funeral, right? No one has to tell you that you should dress a certain way; it’s an unspoken rule. In BDSM situations, it is possible to have the protocol of a group or function written out and agreed to before you can attend. This is a higher form of rules that apply to just that event or group.

Now, moving on to dress rules and protocols.

A dress protocol is established by a Dominant as the way a submissive is to present themselves for any specific situation. These can be basic grooming habits to very precise details to what to wear to dinner or bed. A lot of times these are the first rules established in a relationship. These can start out as directions for when and what to keep shaved, how to care for your hair, or if you can wear panties or not.

The first rule I had was that I was not allowed to cut my hair. My Dominant likes my hair a certain length and I could only get it trimmed with permission, but never cut more than a certain amount. My hairstylist has adjusted to the change and will ask me now how much I can cut off safely before my boyfriend gets upset. The one to follow directly after that was shaving rules.

Now each Dominant has preferences for clothing and grooming. These are very outward symbols of ownership when followed and adhered to. Dominants can use these protocols to build body image or cause humilation or embarrasment. It could very well just be a Dominant’s preference.

In the case of a party, for instance, there may be a protocol that you must attend in fetish wear and that in order to get in you have to dress a certain way. This is intentional; to keep nosey vanilla people out and to strengthen the sexual and sensual vibe in the party venue.  You may very well have clothing and grooming requirements for your private play too. If your Dominant requires you to have an enema and to paint your nails red, this is part of your play protocol. This can take on very different meanings for each couple.

Below is a short list of the dress rules and protocols that I can come up with. I welcome you to include your own in the comments.

• Shaving the genital area
• Maintaining a certain hairstyle
• Wearing or not wearing makeup
• Wearing undergarments
• Requirements for high heeled shoes
• Allowances to wear pants or dresses
• Having manicures and pedicures
• Only certain colors of clothing
• Accessiblity in clothing
• Wearing insertables
• Presenting in private completely nude
• When to wear the collar
• Allowances for jewelry
• etc…

What do you have for dress protocol? Do you wear a uniform of some sort? Share your rules in the comments!

photo by Alaskan Dude

Open for Questions

Submissive Guide.com is doing wonderfully as a start up site and I hope that each and every one of you has learned and grown in your submission since you found this site and it’s associated resources. I’m just one person hoping to provide you with something you may not be able to find somewhere else.

A real person to answer your questions and get advice. I can’t do it without you. If you have questions or are in need of advice, please contact me at subguide@gmail.com or come to the site and submit your question via my contact form.

Even if you’d just like to suggest something for the website, I’m open to hearing what you’d like to see. The site is for you just as much as it is for me. Tell me what you want!

You aren’t alone. Your question could help many other submissives in the same situation as you are. I want to be there for you. Let me help you.

So send in those comments, questions, suggestions and requests for advice. Thank you.

Assualt is NOT okay

This week’s video post is about an issue that needs more awareness.

I had someone ask me for some advice through my email the other day and it went something like this:

I just started exploring my kinky side and I’ve only shared it with a few other people. One person that found out started talking really crudely to me and cornering me at parties to whisper horrible naughty things in my ear. One night he forced his way into my apartment, violated me and beat me with his belt until I blacked out. I don’t know how to handle this because I’ve admitted I’m kinky, does this mean people will treat me like this?

My huge response to her request was to find out if she was alright and to seek help, right away. What this person did was rape and assault. It wasn’t consensual. It wasn’t agreed upon. It was forced. The fact that the woman was exploring her kinky side has nothing to do with what happened.

It’s sad to know that a few men out there think it is okay to harm women in this way. Submission does not mean you are open for violation and harm.  You are not an automatic victim.

I can only hope that the woman sought out help and reported the man for assault. I don’t know, the response I received was more along the lines of ‘thanks for the advice.’ I really did want to help her and even tried to find out where she lived so that I could report the man myself.

If you are in a situation where you don’t feel safe or that you find yourself fearing for what may happen, please understand that you don’t have to live that way. You can get out. There are assistance programs for you.

The one I’d like to talk about right now is the National Leather Association International – Domestic Violence Project. They have been in place since 1998 helping people get out of dangerous relationships and situations. They provide services to help communities and individuals raise awareness of the differences between consensual BDSM and abuse.  October is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month. During this month, Submissive Guide will be raising money to help the NLA-I DVP in its cause to raise awareness. Stay tuned for how you can help Submissive Guide support awareness.

If you need help, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE

Two Weeks to Better Submissive Positions

Submissive Positions are talked about all over like everyone is supposed to be doing them or something. Not every relationship is set up to provide that level of protocol and you should never expect a relationship to automatically have that. If you are interested in positions, ask your partner or perspective partner if they’d be interested before you go learning any. They may have preferences to how you should look and act. Following them is by far more important than learning about positions online (unless that is their direction).

But since so many of you ask me on a regular basis about positions you could be learning I came up with two weeks of posts on the subject of different positions, how to develop your own positions and what other resources are out there as far a positions are concerned. Please understand I will not be teaching the Gorean positions that everyone sees described, but positions that average people can develop amongst themselves to do and alter and enhance for themselves. Please take these suggested positions as guidelines only and try to customize them. They should be unique and beautiful to you and your partner.

Coming up tomorrow is Kneeling.

If you have not subscribed to this blog so that you can get notices of new content, why not do it now! You can get updates from any method listed at the top right of this post.

Two Weeks to Better Submissive Positions

How to Beg When Asked

Begging is an art form for submissives. Each of us has our own talent or lack thereof in this area. For some it is part of humiliation, or just every day activities. There are different approaches to begging.

Verbal Approach

Master insists that I beg for a lot of things and I think that most Dominants choose this route to see just how desperate their submissive is for whatever it is they want. Generally it’s about being allowed to come or when you have been teased to death and you just want sex, right, now!

I used to be horrible at begging. “Pretty please with a cherry on top?” Then if that didn’t work I’d up the anty. “Whipped cream?” “Chocolate Sauce?” Uh-huh, what was I doing, tempting him with dessert? This never worked.

Then I went to the “potty dance routine” of “please, please, please, please….” So many pleases in there that it just didn’t have the sentiment that he wanted out of me so that didn’t work either.

Now I’m catching on. I’m no where near perfect but I can and generally do get what I’ve begged for after a short stint of him grinning at me and telling me that wasn’t good enough. He wants me to go all out and yes, I give it to him.

Say I want to come and I know he’s going to ask me to beg. It may go something like this:

“Master, please may I come? I’m so hot and my clit feels like it’s going to explode!”

He usually declines the first time so then it gets more desperate.

“Master, oh god Master I’d really love to come for you and show you just how slutty I am. Please let me come.”

If he’s just in the mood to listen to me beg he’ll give me that grin that says, “Almost, but not quite.” Then the big guns come out.

“Master, I need to come so bad for you, if you let me come I’ll scream and moan so loud, god Master, I don’t want to hold it anymore please? I’ll suck your dick like a mad-woman if I can”

Yup, bribery. I opt for giving him things that I don’t normally do voluntarily. That’s just the way it works for me. I have to really show him how desperate he’s made me, tell him the orgasm is really his and not what I need and then top it off with something that he’s going to love.

Physical Approach

Kneeling and kissing the feet of your dominant is not only a sign of submission, but is a good start for begging for what you desire. This humbling of yourself goes a long way to finding that sweet spot in a Dominant so that they may pay mercy on your and allow what you are asking for. Other ideas can be prostration, kissing hands or bowing/curtsying.

Nonverbal Approach

The puppy dog eyes come out when nonverbal may work for you. The right look can transmit what you want or need very well and some Dominants prefer to have you look like you want it while listening to you beg. What look do you get on your face when you need to get permission for something?

A mixture of any of these approaches requires practice. I’m still not perfect but I’m learning what my Master requires of me when I’m asked to beg for ‘it’.