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With the Stroke of a Cane: Enjoying Caning
January 13, 2010 by Guest Author
Filed under BDSM Basics
This is a guest post by Nadia West for the BDSM activities series.
I’m fairly new to caning, but I’ve discovered that I like it a lot (even if I can’t take as much as some people can). I was afraid of canes for a long time because I had heard they’re rough pain-wise. While I like pain I’m not truly a pain slut. And it’s true, they are rough – the impact is concentrated along one thin area. But I find that a caning puts me into subspace wonderfully, perhaps better than any other implement.
I don’t have experience with different types of canes. MasterDoc’s (my Dom) are rattan with handmade handles. Rattan is pretty standard cane material. It doesn’t look like the rattan cane with the crook is fundamentally different than a straight rattan cane. I got to watch a sub get beaten with a carbon fiber cane recently – seems harsher than the more flexible rattan. I’ve also read that carbon fiber canes conduct electricity, and therefore can be used creatively with a Violet Wand. Canes come in other materials, including acrylic and aluminum. The less flexible a cane is, the more pain it’s going to produce.
My Dom has always warmed me up first with his hand, and/or a paddle. He gets my ass nice and rosy and my pain tolerance starts to improve with warm up. Then he picks out the thinnest cane we have (we’re working our way up to the thickest of the three someday) and starts with some taps. Light taps aren’t too painful, but the real attraction of the cane is a sharp hit. Angry red stripes left on your ass is definitely a desirable, and kinkily attractive, result. With a sharp hit the pain surges and I have to focus my breathing. I slowly breathe in and out so I can manage the pain. Sometimes my Dom strokes my legs until my tense muscles start to relax. Then he resumes with the cane. It’s quite painful, but unlike paddling it’s a short, sharp pain. Paddling usually goes on with the paddle hitting the same area repeatedly, and that gives me a longer lasting pain. While the cane strokes have to be measured and I need more breaks to process the pain, it feels exhilarating to take it.
It’s intense dealing with the sharp pain, but this makes me feel even more proud about taking it than pain from other implements. I probably cry out more, but this isn’t necessarily a bad thing. (I’m sure sadists just love those little cries of pain.) The intensity leads me into subspace fairly quickly. As I enter subspace, I find that strokes of the cane that would ordinarily hurt are somehow manageable. I feel proud of myself for immediately converting the pain into pleasure. Some strikes do hurt though, and it’s not like the caning will ever be negligibly stimulating. I get to float between, “Wow, that should hurt but it really doesn’t feel like much,” to “Holy shit that hurt! I’m holding my breath involuntarily now; I need to take deep breaths.”
At the end of a caning, I’m really wet and in a total subspace buzz. With just a little sexual teasing at that point I’d probably gladly do anything whatsoever that my dominant asked of me (even things that I usually have a hard time with, like piss play). I look forward to working my way up to more intense canes, and I’m glad that I didn’t let my fear keep me from trying them out.
Nadia West blogs about her adventures with her Dom over at Diary of Kinky Librarian (www.diaryofakinkylibrarian.com). While she’s been a kinkster for years, she’s only been in a D/s relationship for two and a half years. Other favorite pastimes include (receiving) wax play, orgasm control, flogging and giving blow jobs. She also twitters at www.twitter.com/nadiawest.
photo by canes4pain.com
The Top 30 Posts of 2009
January 5, 2010 by lunaKM
Filed under Views on D/s
A year ago I started a small blog project called Submissive Guide. I wanted it to be an organized place where I could voice my opinions about submission, help novices discover who they are and explore BDSM through the written word. Since that time it has grown to so much more, including an e-book, a newsletter and video posts.
To celebrate one year of excellent writing I wanted to showcase the top 30 posts of 2009. I’ve noted in the link if the author was a guest post. Please take a look at what has had the most views since starting out one year ago. You may have missed a few gems!
- What is slave training?
- Rituals that Work
- 2 Weeks to Better Submissive Positions
- Best Submissive Blogslist
- The Difference Between Bottom, Masochist, Submissive and Slave
- 7 Things You Can Do Today to Improve Your Submission
- Discovering Your Submissive Nature
- How to Beg When Asked
- Mapping Out Your Ideal Submission
- A Great Example of a Slave’s Rosary
- Learning To Kneel (from 2 Weeks to Better Submissive Positions)
- The Importance of Rules
- Beginning Your Training Resume
- Dominance as a Slave Training Tool for Better Submission
- Caring For Yourself After a Scene: Self-Aftercare
- The BDSM Checklist That Will Really Help You
- Offering Your Body for Service (from 2 Weeks to Better Submissive Positions)
- What it Means to be an Owned Kajira by dina
- The Nitty Gritty of the BDSM Lifestyle
- 5 Ways to Recognize Topping from the Bottom
- Another 7 Things You Can Do Today to Improve Your Submission
- Your Bathing Regime
- Where to Buy a Collar Online
- The Importance of Journaling Your Submission
- Pet Play and Human Pets Primer by skylerpet
- The Realities of Online Submission
- Two Dominants by Aria
- Submission By Choice: Learned Submission
- Sub Drop’s Emotional Side
- 10 Helpful Websites for the Busy Submissive
Here’s to another year of great content!
Using Contracts to Negotiate a Relationship
November 6, 2009 by lunaKM
Filed under Relationships, Rituals and Routines
When you get married, you have to legally sign a document attesting to your decision to be married. The legal document can come in many forms but most have a brief section about what each party declares for the union, how they will treat each other and how commitment will be displayed (change of names usually). In a D/s relationship it is not unfamiliar to also draft a contract in which to declare your intentions with each other. These are not required, of course, and some people will proclaim the invalidity of these documents to anyone who will listen.
I feel that the creation of a contract has some very useful and valuable importance to a growing relationship.
What are D/s contracts?
A contract is a document written up by one or both parties entering a relationship. This contract specifies the responsibilities of the people involved. It is not a standard operating procedures document and should not list all of the rules you are to be given. The important new behaviors can be listed, such as how each person should be addressed and basic behavior required of each. Keep your rules and protocol or procedures to a separate, easily changed document.
A contract has a set start and ending date. This can be a short term agreement such as for a weekend or it can be a renewable contract on an agreed upon date or annually. D/s contracts can also be permanent in nature, but for the purpose of this essay I will be covering renewable contracts.
Can we put anything we want in them?
As I stated earlier, the contract is not for every small measure of control in the relationship. It is a declaration of the commitment you both wish to have and basic means for expressing certain term changes, violations in the contract and means for dismissal. If you feel you need to write up a long list of rules at the get go, don’t. Submission is a learning process and handing someone a book and saying memorize it by tomorrow just isn’t going to happen. For this reason, the rules and structure of the relationship should be in a different, living document.
I strongly suggest D/s contracts be drafted for each relationship. Using a default one is nice to start, but you will encounter areas that you want to customize for the relationship each time you sign the contract. Use other people’s contracts as an example, but just like your relationship; it’s different so only use it for inspiration.
Are they legally binding?
D/s relationship contracts are not legally binding. They have no validity in court and you can not use them for disputes after a relationship ends. Contracts of this nature are more about the spiritual connection, the emotional and physical commitment established by the people signing it. They are morally binding. This makes it very special to the people involved.
Why should I consider the use of a contract?
You should consider the use of a contract if you are in a temporary situation and are taking a collar for a short duration. This provides an element of dedication to the experience you wish to enjoy and also lays down a foundation for how the term will play out.
Contracts also give a sense of importance to the relationship. You may feel a stronger need to work hard at problems as they arise because you have a contract. You may also feel more committed to achieving everything laid out so that your contract will be renewed.
How do I draft a contract?
Since D/s contracts are not legally binding they can take on any form that you wish them to. They can be laid out like a business contract or they can be hand-written forms that are signed. It depends on what kind of relationship you are looking for on what kind will work best for you.
Start out by making a list of all the things you think are important to have in the contract. Then go through the list and decide which ones belong in the rules list instead. Rules that could potentially evolve or diminish are good for the rules list, but not for the contract.
Then have your partner look at your list and work together to add or subtract items as necessary. Once you have an agreed list, write it up in full sentences. Decide on how long the contract should remain in effect and how a renewal is to take place; whether that be an amendment to this contract or a new drafted contract. Add a declaration at the top. Something like the following is basic and works in any situation.
We, the undersigned, declare to abide by the following items below with full commitment and awareness of our role in these items during the term this contract is in effect from [start date] to [end date].
Then make a space so that you can sign and date it. Then actually sign and date it.
What do I do if my partner breaks the contract?
How did you decide to handle violations in the contract? If you didn’t define how things were going to be resolved then it’s dependent upon you to decide what to do. The contract should have a stipulation about what to do with a violation of the contract. This can be from a re-evaluation up to a termination of the contract. It’s completely up to you. Since it’s not legally binding, the people involved are the only ones responsible for carrying this out.
Where can I find examples of a D/s contract?
If you are interested in seeing what other people have come up with for their D/s contracts, you can usually find some interesting variations. Here’s a few that I came up with while looking for research materials.
Review: How To Get the Spanking You Want
My first ebook up for review is “How To Get The Spanking You Want: The Complete Guide to Asking For it, Getting it, and Making it Better” by Vivian of The Disciplined Feminist. I have an excerpt on this site if you’d like to read it.
The author has over 23 years of spanking experience and over a decade of scholarly and academic research on the subject. She is even well published.
The book is broken up into 4 chapters with a pretty good flow and cohesive train of thought.It’s developed for the person that would like to enter a spanking relationship with their partner but don’t know how to go about doing it. Written in a conversational tone will really help you explore the topic in your head as you read along. The author stays pretty general about what kind of spanking relationship, but does mention domestic discipline and play spanking so I think it could help you no matter what type of spanking your are looking for. It’s an excellent first step for the hesitant and hopeful spankee.
The first chapter will help you figure out what type of spanking you are looking for, and analyze your fantasies to understand what you expect from a spanking, but she also explains that your real life spankings probably won’t look anything like your fantasies. After all, you control the fantasy and the spanker always knows exactly what to do, right?
The second chapter is set up to help you ask your partner to spank you. While I do have some issues with the way the author says you should go about asking, there is some sound advice on your partners response; whatever that may be. Vivian says that you should use your feminine seductive arts to ply your partner into seeing you as submissive and demure; dressing and acting the part before and during the discussion where you ask your partner to be your spanking partner. In a way, it comes off as she is saying you should manipulate the situation to get what you want by using your feminine mystique and then being direct about what you want because that’s what guys like.
Now, I don’t have experience with asking a partner to spank me that wasn’t already interested, but to me this sounds a little backward. Essentially I see this as luring the man into your ‘trap’ and then confronting them with some huge secret and expecting them to respond positively about it. I don’t know about you, but if I followed her directions specifically, I’d have a confused man on my hands AND probably no hope of a spanking partner.
Really, my advice would be to definitely set a date to have this revealing conversation, but be honest and open about it when the time comes. There is no need to try to show your man that you are submissive and pliant and your ass is ripe for spanking as she suggests. But, that’s just me.
The rest of the book helps you prepare and receive your first spanking. It does a wonderful job going through the possible reactions you can have the first spanking you get, as well as the triggers you could awaken and how to deal with them. I love how she makes sure you understand that unlike your fantasy spankings, these hurt. It’s something that a lot of people just don’t realize till it’s happening and then you react poorly.
I’d highly recommend this book just for the last 2 chapters alone. You can definitely get something out of this book even if you are already in a spanking relationship. She also has a chapter on how to get more from your spanking experience and is worth reading even if you’ve been exploring spanking for years. I loved it.
Overall, I think it’s a decent book for someone who needs a way to share their spanking secret with their partner in hopes of finding a spanking partner in them. If you would like help talking to your partner about your spanking interests, get this book.
Interested?
Product Details
- luna’s Rating: 8/10
- PDF Format: 177 pages
- Publisher: Variant Books
- Language: English
The Challenges of Being Kajira in Today’s Society
September 18, 2009 by Guest Author
Filed under Defining Submission
Today’s guest post is by dina from Kajiradreams. You can also read her post on what it’s like to be an owned kajira and a kajira’s strengths and misconceptions.
When you chat to someone on the street do you suddenly announce to them you are a Christian or a Muslim? Do you tell them without cause you are a vegetarian or your political views? Do you suddenly announce to your friends over a pint that you are gay and had a fucking huge cock up the arse last night?
Of course you don’t. These are things that are personal to you. They are your personal preferences. They are your lifestyle choices. They are nobody’s business to know unless you wish them to.
So why should someone who lives the gorean lifestyle be any different?
If someone asks me if I am Gorean I will answer them honestly. If someone asks if I am kajira I will answer them honestly. But I will not share it with people out of context just as I will not announce I am a confirmed Christian or that I can skin and gut a rabbit in 15 minutes. It is personal to me and none of their damn business.
In any case, going back to the stereotypes and misconceptions, most people either wouldn’t have a clue what you were on about, or have an extremely warped and misguided idea that you were being held against your will in an abusive relationship.
So what are the challenges?
The challenges are being able to live and be who you are without having to justify yourself to every fucking stranger – and family – because your lifestyle and relationship dynamic doesn’t fit modern day societal norms we have had rammed down our throats every single day since we were born.
Being kajira is more than the misconception that you are a sex slave
Being kajira doesn’t mean you are consenting to abuse
Being kajira does not mean you must have a mental illness
Living in a gorean relationship doesn’t mean you are in an abusive relationship
It doesn’t mean the man is a wife-beating obnoxious UG who just wants a woman who will agree with everything he does, clean and cook for him and will let him treat her like shit without question.
Being kajira does not mean you don’t have an opinion, or a mind, or thoughts.
Being kajira does not mean you speak in third person.
Being kajira does not mean you are weak
Being kajira and living the gorean lifestyle means you are the exact opposite of every single sentence I have just quoted – and most people cannot handle that.
In fact the very fact you are a kajirae mean most Men out there cannot handle you or give you what you need.
And that’s the challenge.
Having to wear the masks in public.
Having to be conscious of what you say.
Hiding your true self.
Living the lifestyle…?
Having to justify your role to people who notice something and question you – in a way that they will understand
Having to adjust your speech in public so you don’t call your partner “my Master” in public and have the joy of answering all the questions it will raise
Having to adjust your behavior and house rules when friends come round to your home or you are visiting
These are some of the challenges of being kajira. Because society will not accept you if they think you are different. It threatens their imperfect little bubble.
But it isn’t the biggest challenge…
The biggest challenge of being kajira in today’s society is being true to yourself regardless of peoples perceptions and societies expectations.
That is the challenge and by choosing to live as kajira, it means you will fight it every single day.
Some days you will lose that fight. But so what?
Success isn’t about winning or losing. Success is about having the strength to pick yourself up and try again on the days you fail.
photo by The Pug Father
Now Available: The Spanking Series in E-Book!
September 1, 2009 by lunaKM
Filed under BDSM Basics, Views on D/s
If you have ever wondered how you can get the spanking you’ve always wanted but wasn’t sure how to ask for it, there is a book for you. I was just offered the chance to review a copy of How to Get the Spanking You Want: The Complete Guide to Asking for It, Getting It & Making It Better by Vivian of The Disciplined Feminist. I’ve just been able to browse it so far and read the first chapter but I’m already impressed!
The book is an excellent read for anyone that is on the edge about asking for a spanking, understanding why you desire that spanking and how to get what you want once you have asked for it. The book really is that special. The language so far is easy to read and welcoming to the newcomer to spanking as a lifestyle choice. You won’t be disappointed. This wisdom can only come from someone with over 20 years experience and education and training in the field of gender roles and psychology.
Get your PDF copy of the book now!
Written in an honest, compassionate and easy-to-read style, this guide will share with you…
- The real reasons your partner may be reluctant to spank you that will surprise and even shock you! (page 89)
- Why the popular “I Love Lucy” method of teasing or “bratting” your partner into spanking you is virtually guaranteed to fail — and may even hurt your relationship! (page 41)
- How to stop being disappointed when your real-life spankings don’t measure up to your fantasies (page 20)
- What to do if your partner has already said “no” to spanking you (page 70)
- How to take a spanking — yes, there are special techniques for receiving as well as giving a good spanking! (page 120)
- Getting past your embarrassment about wanting to be spanked (page 16)
- What it really takes to build a satisfying spanking relationship (page 140)
- How to prepare for your first real spanking (page 99)
- What to do if you find yourself getting a spanking that’s more painful that you expected (page 134)
- Get spanked in public without getting your partner arrested (page 154)
- How to cope if you need a spanking and don’t have a partner
- The 7 steps to more satisfying spankings (page 140)
- How to safely get spanked if you have a history of childhood abuse
- Expanded 2nd edition — 12 additional pages of material!
- And much more!
Get your PDF copy of the book now!
Still not sure? Here’s an excerpt of the book:
“HOW TO GET THE SPANKING YOU WANT”
(www.HowToGetaSpanking.com, © Variant Books 2009, all rights reserved. Used with permission.)
How to Take a Spanking
Most of the focus on spankings revolves around the way that spankings are given. And this is understandable. After all, the person spanking is doing the obvious work in the situation. He’s the one who has to know how to spank, how long to spank, how hard to spank, etc. All you have to do is lay there and get your spanking.
Or so it seems.
Many people are surprised to learn that there is just as much of an art to taking a spanking as there is to giving one. So while your partner is learning the art of spanking, you’ll want to learn the art of being spanked.
To learn how to take a spanking, let’s start with the most basic fact that often gets overlooked when you’re anticipating your first spanking…
Real spankings hurt
If you haven’t been spanked before, this often comes as a big shock. But it’s true: spankings hurt. A lot. Probably a lot more than you realize.
Spankings are, of course, supposed to hurt. But it’s one thing to imagine that they’re going to hurt and quite another to experience that pain in real life on your very own tender and vulnerable bottom.
In our fantasies, we know that spankings hurt and we probably even imagine how much they hurt and what our reaction will be. Perhaps we imagine that we cry and beg for mercy or resist the spanking and are forced to take it even though it hurts. Or maybe we imagine being stoic and brave and keeping a “stiff upper lip” through a severe caning or paddling, like in those British boarding school movies.
But by and large, most of our fantasies focus on the other parts of a spanking – how deliciously embarrassing it would be to be, say, be spanked in front of your class at school, or the thrill of being turned over your partner’s knee and having your skirt flipped off and your bottom bared like a naughty little girl. Or countless other scenarios and details that contribute to the excitement of being spanked.
Which is why it can be a pretty rude awakening when you feel that first swat on your bottom and realize how extreme the pain really is. To repeat: spankings (even “mild” ones) hurt.
If you aren’t ready for how much a spanking is going to hurt, you may have a pretty extreme reaction to the pain. That’s because your survival instinct is pre-programmed to protest – strenuously – whenever it registers that you feel pain. Your survival instinct doesn’t care that you’re turned on by spankings. That’s because it’s even stronger than your spanking desires. It just gets the signal from your bottom that you are feeling pain and does what it’s programmed to do – resist, get away, fight back or whatever feels safest and most likely to work at that instant.
This reaction, whatever it is, is likely to surprise you. You have wanted a spanking for so long and imagined it so often in your head that the idea that you would resist or not want the pain may catch you off guard.
And it may also be very upsetting or disturbing to your partner, whom you remember is probably still a bit nervous that he’s going to hurt you too much and get himself in trouble.
If you react very intensely to the pain of the spanking, you may be confirming for your partner all of his worst fears – that he is a closet abuser who has just done a terrible and unforgivable thing to you by hitting you and causing you pain (and yes, the darker fear that you will get angry with him and turn him in to the police for beating you).
If you have never been spanked before, you would be wise to assume going in that you’re going to have this extreme reaction to your first real spanking, no matter how much you want and need it.
To be safe, it’s important to talk with your partner beforehand about this possibility so that he’s prepared for whatever reaction you have and reassure him that you will not hold him responsible or accuse him of domestic abuse if your spanking hurts more than you realize.
In addition, you may want to talk with your partner in advance about bruising or marks on your skin. Many spankers are fine with the spanking, and then become upset the next day when they see the results of their handiwork on their partner’s vulnerable skin.
I’m not going to tell you here that you should avoid bruising or marks. The truth is that most of the methods that claim to avoid bruising don’t work all that well and aren’t particularly reliable. Iif you’re going to get spanked, you’re probably going to get bruised. Your job is to make sure you’re okay with this, and then to make sure your partner knows you’re okay with it – or even excited by these lasting reminders of your spanking.
Real spankings can be shocking
In addition to hurting more than we might realize, spankings can be psychologically shocking, even if we’ve fantasized about them.
If we’ve never been spanked or hit before, the experience of being spanked – literally hit – can trigger intense emotions that go even deeper than our very deep desire to be spanked.
During your spanking, you may experience anything from panic and terror to extreme crying and feelings of helplessness.
None of these reactions means that you are wrong to want a spanking. They just mean that your spanking has triggered some deeper emotions and instincts in you that you will need to deal with.
First of all, you may just be having the instinctive reaction to being hit that we talked about in the prior section. We all have that primitive “fight or flight” reaction inside that is triggered whenever we feel physically or psychologically threatened. The part of your brain that is designed to keep you safe by triggering this instinct may be doing its job, regardless of what the part of you that is turned on by the idea of being spanked says.
Second, spanking is also cathartic. Because it’s an intense experience, getting a spanking can release all kinds of emotions that you are carrying around inside from the rest of your life that you haven’t expressed.
For example, if you’re having a difficult time at work, but haven’t given yourself permission to “let it out” and express your frustration, you may find yourself letting it all out during your spanking. You may find yourself crying a lot more than you (or your partner) believes is justified given the severity of your spanking.
If you find yourself in a catharsis during your spanking, my advice is to go with it and accept it as a blessing and a gift. One of the wonderful, amazing parts of being spanked is the ability to let go of your responsible, strong self and let your vulnerable self show. Cry like a baby, sob your guts out – let the spanking cleanse all of that negative emotion out of you. Afterwards, you will probably feel like you went to a spa or had a nice massage!
So to help you take your spanking with grace and courage, even when you feel like you can’t stand another swat, what follows are some tips to help with the pain…
Get your PDF copy of the book now!
That’s not all though, she has a companion book written for the spanker titled, How to Give a Spanking: Advice from the Receiving End. I have this book as well to read and let you know what it’s like in a review coming later. If it’s anything like what I’ve read so far it will be well worth it.
If you buy both books today, you get 20% off! That’s a wonderful bundle deal, so don’t wait. Get these wonderful spanking resources now.
Donate Your Old BDSM Books to Submissive Guide
June 27, 2009 by lunaKM
Filed under Video Posts, Webmaster Notes
This week’s video post is a plea for your assistance with books for the review section of this site.
I’m working on bringing you more book reviews more often. In order to do this I would love to have some help from all of you. There are different levels of help and please hear me out before you dismiss this as just a ploy to get materials or money from you.
The book reviews on this site benefit novice and experienced submissives alike. I do them because I know that the wide expanse of information available can be scary. Hopefully with my reviews, submissives (and maybe a few Dominants) can find books that will help them on their journey.
I don’t personally have a lot of books to review. I am able to buy maybe one every few months with the income I get from this website so far. So I’m looking to you for help.
- Go through your BDSM library and pull out any books you don’t want anymore or never got around to reading. I’d love to have them for the Submissive Guide library here to review. Just contact me via subguide@gmail.com and I will get you my mailing address. If you need postage paid, I will do that as well.(paid through PayPal)
- Go through your BDSM library and pull out any books you wouldn’t mind lending to me. In this case I would push your book to the top of the reading list and once complete I would mail it back to you. You could be Submissive Guide’s personal librarian. If you need postage paid, I will do that also. (paid through PayPal)
- Go to Amazon.com and view my wishlist. You could buy any of the books there for me to review. All of the ones listed are ones I’d like to have a review on Submissive Guide for. You can help me that way and decide the amount you want to spend.
- Go to Amazon.com and give me a gift certificate. You can use the same email address: subguide@gmail.com and send it to me. This way you can help me with some funds to buy books for the reviews. Any gift certificates I receive this way would be used for review books only, you have my promise.
- If you can’t help any other way, please just let me know what books you’d like to see reviewed here in the future. I will add them to my wishlist and purchase them when I can. Your help is much appreciated.
Thank you!
–luna
The Truth About Orgasm Control and Denial
The idea of orgasm control or denial strikes fear in novice submissives. “What do you mean give over my ability to orgasm whenever I want?” Sure you could think of it that way, but in terms of your submission it could mean so much more. Let me start with the basic definitions.
Orgasm Control: When a Dominant takes over the right to a submissive’s orgasms. This can be from not allowing the submissive to come without permission to requiring that all orgasms be given by the Dominant. Many other variations also exist.
Orgasm Denial: This is much like a game to some Dominants. An activity where a submissive is brought to the brink of orgasm and then denied the permission to orgasm. Many times this also means the cessation of contact. It can be done occasionally during play or be a long term modification to that submissive’s rules.
The truth is that not all Dominants enjoy controlling a submissive’s orgasms and it is more likely seen in Female Dominant relationships. I don’t know the reason for this, nor do I have any statistics but only what I’ve seen and read. My Master is more into control than denial. He likes to know when I’m nearing orgasm. It’s a power and pleasure thing.
An interesting training option for orgasm control is Come on Command training. It’s a form of hypnotic suggestion that can and does work. Then the Dominant totally owns your orgasms because you can’t control them yourself. A trigger word, phrase or touch sets it off.
When it comes to your submission, offering over your sexuality in this way can be very humbling. An orgasm can be a lot of things to people. It can be stress relief, pleasure, connection or even just private time. Giving over your orgasms to someone else to control is part of ultimate surrender.
What are your thoughts on orgasm control? Is it something that is a part of your relationship?
photo by Driving in Heels
Maintenance Spankings; Why Do It?
May 26, 2009 by lunaKM
Filed under Relationships, Video Posts
This week’s video post is about maintenance spankings.
Maintenance spankings are a way to keep the relationship fresh, revive the roles on a regular basis and to not let life away from the dynamic interfere with what your relationship goals are. A maintenance spanking can be anything from a scheduled night of the week where a short and sweet spanking takes place, to a more drawn out session of power and control. Either way their purpose is to maintain the dynamic.
Not everyone does this. My Master and I don’t. It’s not needed. That may be because we have an ideal situation: no kids, no outside jobs. Just us 24/7 living how we want to live. People who aren’t as lucky, and that’s the majority of you, could use maintenance spankings to keep the D/s alive when you feel it may fade into bills, running the kids to sports practice and work.
A maintenance spanking works something like a scheduled meeting. On whatever day you have set for your maintenance spanking you meet, talk about your week in terms of your role and confess any backsliding you are aware of. These things are taken into account with how the spanking will play out because the point is to keep you focused on your submission. Be honest with your partner. Even if you aren’t masochist you can benefit from these spankings.
The spanking is dictated by the Dominant to be whatever they want it to be. It could be sensual, it could be rough. It may or may not end with sex. These are variables that make each relationship unique. I personally prefer spankings that end in orgasms for both of us, but that may not be what works for you.
The important part of a maintenance spanking is that it’s scheduled and you do not reschedule. This is for the health of your relationship dynamic. Having something to look forward to each week or so is revitalizing and can help keep you focused where you need to be during difficult times. It can also bring more intimacy into your life. These moments are about just the two of you connecting. The power of touch, even in a swat is well worth it.
Also using maintenance spankings can and do decrease the need for punishment spankings. When you receive maintenance spankings then it is more likely that your behavior and attitude will stay positive and you will be less likely to be disobedient. Once you are obedient more often then maintenance spankings can and should be reduced.
What are your thoughts on maintenance spankings? Do you receive these? How frequently?
Excellent articles about Maintenance Spankings
Cease Resistance – This is all about different types of spankings, Maintenance spankings are half way down the page. Written in the DD or HOH line of thought.
Loving Domestic Discipline – Again written in the DD thread, but wonderfully written article.
Learn a New Skill to Enhance Your Service with Free Online Courses
May 15, 2009 by lunaKM
Filed under Service, Training Resume
There are many ways that submissives can learn new skills and training that will enhance what you can provide your Dominant. Just imagine being able to speak another language, or have secretarial skills. Perhaps learning gardening, technology or sewing? Your skills can be expanded endlessly and a lot of it for free.
Is there something you’ve always wanted to learn how to do?
The internet is full of free online courses if you look in the right places. There is a goldmine of training certificates, courses towards a degree or tutorials for many skills from basic to advanced levels. I’ve done a lot of the research myself to bring you a list of some of the best places to find free courses. Feel free to browse the below links and expand your training.
Free and Affordable Distance Learning
Free Education on the Internet
Free Online Courses from Great Universities
University of Washington Free courses
photo credit by Milliron Photography
Two Dominants
April 11, 2009 by Guest Author
Filed under Relationships
Today’s guest post is by Aria, a bi poly switch kinkster.
So currently I have 2 dominants, Edge and Vice. You would think that to have 2 Doms I would have to be the most submissive woman ever, but I’m a switch. I often call myself a beta-top because I love to co-top with them. Fortunately for me they let my top side come out when I need release, just as long as I don’t try to top them.
Having 2 dominants has worked out very smoothly for the three of us actually. I’ve been with Vice for 4 years and have only been with Edge for a year and a half. When Edge and I first started dating I didn’t know he was a Dom since he had minimal experience in the lifestyle. Especially when we started, Edge was very deferential to Vice. We used to laugh at how careful he was not to step on toes. Being so polite and considerate I think really helped Vice grow to trust him and keep down jealousy issues as well. Which isn’t to say we never have problems. No relationship is perfect, and by writing this I certainly don’t mean to say we are. As with most relationships, communication is key. Most of the time a problem pops up it comes back to some miscommunication.
A few basic rules are what keep us working well together.
Rule 1 – They don’t contradict each other.
Let’s say Edge gives me an order that I am not to orgasm for the next week. He will always make an exception for Vice. “If Vice wants you to come for him or you come because of something he does, then that’s ok. “ Or he would specifically ask Vice to approve a punishment (or help enforce it).
Rule 2- They back each other up. They help enforce each others rules and punishments. This of course takes communication between them.
Rule 3 – They don’t interfere in problems I’m having with the other one.
Often I need to vent about something to someone who understands. This usually means my other partner. They listen, offer some advice, and at the end almost always say “so when are you going to go talk to him about it?”
Rule 4- Before going to an event we establish who my main Dom is for that time period. This doesn’t mean I can’t play with, cuddle, or interact with the other Dom, just that the main one gets decision making power. They get to say what I wear or who I play with. Fortunately they share very well. At Beat Me in St. Louis this year, they split up the weekend so that each one got to be in charge one day of the event.
Issues do occasionally pop up however. I enjoy the submissive role, but I’m not naturally very submissive. Sometimes getting me to submit (and not just be a brat or a SAM) is difficult. Vice lives with me, so he and I have to interact as equal partners quite a bit. This makes it hard for me to submit to him especially. He struggled with some envy when I began playing with Edge because Edge and I got to date and play without much real world interference. We never had to fight about who’s turn it was to do the dishes or take out the dog because we didn’t live together. This meant it was easier for me to get in the submission mindset and let go easier. We also always seemed to go somewhere fun and interesting and new when we went out. Vice felt like the two of us didn’t get the same kind of time I got with Edge. Which brings me to rule number 5.
Rule 5- They don’t try to get more time with me by stealing from the other one.
I’ve known poly couples where every time their partner was out on a date, some crisis would come up. They would call in a panic and need their partner to come home immediately. Every time. This isn’t a good way to handle jealousy/envy/loneliness. You’ve got to own your feelings and ask for what you want. Being the person in the middle, it was my job to make sure that Vice still knew I cared about him, and that I still liked submitting to him and playing with him. It was his job to handle his emotions as best he could and ask for reassurance when he needed it. In this case, the problem was that every time I went out with Edge it was fun and special. Vice and I needed some special time of our own, without the normal interferences of daily life. We set up a dedicated Dungeon Date night for Vice and I, where we could focus on keeping the kink part of our life active. Making sure we had some “special time” time together helped us keep our connection alive while I was building a new one with Edge.
Playing with two Doms has been really good for me as a submissive cause it has allowed me to learn a great deal about myself, and that carries over to both my relationships. They have two different styles and techniques, and that brings out two different sides of my submission. Each did things that seemed to “work”. Finding something that works in one relationship gave me insight into the other. Successfully going deeper in submission in one relationship helped me be brave enough to go deeper in submission in my other relationship.
So what do I do make it work?
I’ve been really lucky in finding these Doms. They both really want me to be happy with the other one. They honestly want me to have hot scenes and hot sex, just as I wish for them and their other partners. I’ve sort of made it sound like to successfully have two partners, they’ve had to do all the work. But these rules apply to me too. So what do I do to make this work? I don’t ask one partner to interfere with another, I don’t try to get them to contradict each other. I make sure I ask which one will be in charge for the evening before we get there.
All people need reassurance, and that includes Dominants. Especially if they know you are playing with more than one person. People say you aren’t supposed to compare your partners and I don’t in the sense of saying someone is “better” than someone else. But I do compare them when I say things like “Well Edge is really good at this part, but Vice is really good at that part”. I make it clear that my partners know what great stuff I get from them and no one else. If you make your partner feel special and treasured, they won’t feel as anxious when you are away from them.
As I said above, miscommunication is what causes most of our problems. Being in the middle I consider it my job to facilitate communication. I’m pretty talkative, but I try to let the men have their say too. I try to ask how they feel about things so they know its ok to talk about or bring up. I also immediately made it clear to them that they can speak to each other when I’m not there. They have each others phone numbers, email addresses, and chat names. Once they have that info, I need to get out of their way. I need to trust that they are big boys who can handle the communication between themselves without me being involved. Like I said above, submitting is sometimes difficult for me, so this is often a struggle, but I do my best.
That being said, it is also my job to bring up issues as I see them. If I see a huge roadblock, or someone crossing a line, it is my duty to bring it up. But hopefully in a calm and non-inflammatory manner.
Overall, being in a 2 dominant relationship is like being in any poly relationship. Have lots of communication and handle disagreements in the least dramatic way possible.
Aria is a bi poly switch kinkster. She lives in Iowa and frequently travels to conventions in St. Louis. She’s AriaSwitch on fetlife and can be contacted at Aria@boundforfun.com.
Readers’ View on Polyamory
April 9, 2009 by lunaKM
Filed under Relationships, Roundtable Discussions
A couple week’s ago I held a Roundtable discussion on Polyamory. You had a lot to say about it.
I also had a guest post on polyamory, written by May.
Coming up this week is a second guest post about having two Dominats in a poly relationship by Aria. Keep an eye out for that one!
I’d like to share what you said in the comments. Please feel free to continue the conversation. I’d love to hear what else you have to say about Polyamorous relationships.
ellemenopea said:
What does polyamory mean to you?
Having loving relationships with multiple people
How did you decide that polyamory was something you wanted?
I didn’t really, it just sort of happened through a series of events.
How do you deal with jealousy?
Luckily, it’s not a huge issue in our relationships. Mostly, I try to remind myself that I don’t own anyone’s time. I also try to make sure everyone in my life gets some amount of time just for us.
How do you balance the relationship with more than one partner?
Right now it’s not an issue, as everyone in my life has some distance. Scheduling time is the biggest thing.
What is your support system like within the relationship?
I feel comfortable going to different people for different things, but overall, I feel that the people in my life and my partner’s lives are trustworthy and wonderful. It really gives me an extended network of people who care about me and lend a hand when necessary. It also makes me feel part of a family.
If you have more than one Dominant partner, how does the control get passed between the Dominants as it pertains to you?
There is a hierarchy in our relationship, where Sir decided who has how much control, on a case by case basis.
SereneKitten said:
1. What does polyamory mean to you? — Having more than one relationship at a time. These relationships can be very loving and committed, a “friends with benefits” situation, or a mix.
2. How did you decide that polyamory was something you wanted? — I was curious about it and wanted to give it a try. My first casual “threesome” went badly, probably due to poor ground rules. My next encounter was more structured and I set clear limits.
3. How do you deal with jealousy? — Jealousy stems from insecurity from within oneself. You have to realize your own self-worth and strengths before you can recognize that what you bring into the relationship is different from any other partner.
4. How do you balance the relationship with more than one partner? — Even if time cannot be split equally between the partners, one MUST make time for each of the other partners. Time as a group is wonderful, but one-on-one time is priceless.
5. What is your support system like within the relationship? — We are there for each other. One of our rules is that any subject is open to discussion with zero repercussions. Open, honest communication is key. We can’t know about a problem if no one tells us about it!
6. If you have more than one Dominant partner, how does the control get passed between the Dominants as it pertains to you? — Not applicable.
Obi said:
1. What does polyamory mean to you?
Loving more than one partner fairly but not necessarily equally.
2. How did you decide that polyamory was something you wanted?
I kept falling in love with a second person without wanting to give the first one up, or believing that I should have to do so.
3. How do you deal with jealousy?
Through honest and open communication, just like any other “negative” feeling.
4. How do you balance the relationship with more than one partner?
Schedules help, but again keeping everyone in the loop discussion was helps us access where the emotional energies need to be concentrated at any one time.
5. What is your support system like within the relationship?
Fabulous! All of my partners are in love with each other.
6. If you have more than one Dominant partner, how does the control get passed between the Dominants as it pertains to you?
They do not Dominate me together, but will discuss issues with each other when they arise to make sure that their Mastery is on the same page.
RequiemKittyPup said:
1. What does polyamory mean to you? ~~~~ for me, polyamory is when one person is able to have romantic and intimate love with more than one other individual.
2. How did you decide that polyamory was something you wanted?~~~ when i fell in love with 2 different men. i however do not *need* polyamory and while am open to it, i can live without it.
3. How do you deal with jealousy? ~~~open and honest communication. ensuring each person in the relationship has equal time with the other participants. ensuring that all participants are aware of everybody’s needs, wants and limits.
4. How do you balance the relationship with more than one partner? ~~~ again, ensuring that all partners have equal time. and also, ensuring that all partners speak up if something is off balance. Ensuring all know of each other’s needs wants and limits.
5. What is your support system like within the relationship? ~~~~ n/a
6. If you have more than one Dominant partner, how does the control get passed between the Dominants as it pertains to you? ~~~ i’ve never done this, but the way i would go about it would be to have one Dom be primary. Perhaps not dominant to the other dom, but have one dom be primary and if the primary dom is gone or whatever, then the control automatically passes to the other one.
photo by Sabrina Campagna
What Is Polyamory Anyway?
March 14, 2009 by Guest Author
Filed under Relationships, Sex and Sexuality
Today’s post comes from May (follow her @readheadgirl) a writer and artist.
For the longest time when I heard “polyamory,” I thought of hippies in the 70s having orgies at drug parties. I blame my misconception on why I took so long to realize that I am a polyamorous person. Like me, many people have the wrong idea about polyamory and what it means. So before I define what polyamory is, I’d like to take a moment to say what polyamory isn’t.
It isn’t hooking up; it isn’t “free love;” it isn’t an excuse for cheating on, disrespecting or marginalizing a partner; it isn’t a rejection of commitment; and it isn’t an experiment to try while deciding whether or not to break up with your partner.
Polyamory literally translates as “many loves.” It is a system through which people can create multi-partner relationships and families with the full consent of everyone involved. Full consent is crucial. Only through respectful and honest communications can polyamorous relationships flourish (in this way polyamorous relationships are very similar to BDSM relationships and the two categories often overlap).
I like this Wikipedia explanation as it captures how polyamory is about what is in someone’s heart – not whom their having or not having sex with:
“Polyamory can refer to the practice or status of a relationship at a given time, or used as a description of a lifestyle, philosophy or relationship orientation (much like gender orientation), rather than of an individual’s actual relationship status at a given moment. It is an umbrella term that covers many orientations and modes of relationship. There is fluidity in its definition to accommodate the different shades of meaning which might be covered. Polyamorous relationships are themselves varied, reflecting the choices and philosophies of the individuals concerned.” (Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polyamory)
Polyamorous relationships take many forms and can include many different levels of intimacy. In some relationships, a couple will have a single dedicated partner with whom they share a series of affairs. Another person may be actively “single” while participating occasionally or often in the committed relationships of others. A couple may be committed to each other and to a third… or to another couple. One person who is part of a couple may be dedicated to another person who is also in a committed relationship, without the involvement their significant others. The possibilities are limited only by the needs and desires of the parties involved.
The sex in a polyamorous relationship is what most people think of first, but it is not the most important component. Many desire intimacy and excitement that cannot be met by a single person. This is, to me, the ultimate reason for polyamory: to accept your desires and your partners’ desires for intimacy fully while you assist or allow one another the expression of those desires.
Every polyamorous relationship I have witnessed grows stronger on a daily basis because of how all involved recognize and respond to the innate needs of the others in a loving, giving way.
In many ways, polyamory is whatever you want it to be. But what it must be is honest, loving and accepting. The rest is up to you…
May is a writer, artist, feminist, geek, book-nerd, bisexual, polyamorous, ex-Baptist, pagan, environmentalist, vegetarian who lives in Kansas City, Missouri with her cats and the greatest boyfriend ever. You can follow her on Twitter as @readheadgirl or find her poems, photography and art at readheadgirl.deviantart.com/gallery/.
The Meaning Behind Service and Serving
When someone becomes a submissive for the first time and finds a dominant the first words I generally hear them say is that they like being of service or they like serving. When asked what it is about service that they enjoy it tends to boil down to sex and play. There is far more to service than the play, and believe me, there are submissives that don’t even play but find fulfillment in service.
Service is any activity or function that you fill to make your dominant partner’s life easier. This could be as simple as preparing their coffee, laying out their clothes for them or performing domestic chores. Yes, it does include the play and sex aspects of some relationships, but not all of them are wired this way.
Take for example a domestic submissive. What calls them to serve is completely different than a service submissive (more on this term later). Each of them gains happiness and fulfillment out of the services they provide their dominant partner, but the service they provide can be very different. Many times a domestic submissive will have minimal or no sexual interaction with their owner. I’ve even been propositioned by a few male domestics that all they want to do is come and clean my house. It’s the pleasure of cleaning for someone that they want to enjoy.
So, what does it mean to be of service to your dominant? Does it mean you will be doing the chores around the house, caring for family or pets, perhaps paying the bills and running errands? Could it mean you are a personal assistant and keep your partner in check, organized and prepared for everything the day may throw at them? Or are you the sex object that fills every fantasy and whim without a moment’s hesitation? All of these things are service. Some other things that can service items can include:
- cooking
- cleaning
- grooming
- health
- personal trainer
- pet care
- home repair
- car repair
- organization
- event planning
- child care
- chauffeur
- scheduling
- secretarial
- intellectual conversationalist
Discover Your Purpose in Service
Finding your meaning in service isn’t always easy. You have to start with what you want and need out of a relationship. I’ve written a whole series about Wants and Needs that you can refer to if you need help figuring these things out. Once you’ve identified what you need, you can develop the services around it that will feed your needs. If you require structure, you could develop a Home Control Journal. If you like to be a hostess and use anticipatory service you could have a Butler’s Book. Perhaps you would like to develop your sexual service skills or your personal assistant skills and learn how to properly bathe and clothe someone. The possibilities are endless.
Service Submissives
There is a type of submissive that seeks only to serve. In this passion there is happiness and joy to be asked to do even menial tasks. They may derive pleasure from things other than sexual connection or play. Service Submissives can become domestics, personal assistants, chauffeurs, and handmaids.
What makes this type of submissive so special is their ability to adapt to whatever service their partner requires of them with little adjustment period. Service Submissives can bring pleasure to their dominant with little effort. It is my opinion that service submissives are rare and unique people. Not everyone can be a service submissive, but if you are one, you are worth your weight in gold and then some. All other submissives most likely look up to you for your ability to serve so smoothly.
Here are some of my ideas of what a service submissive might be.
- Personal secretary; taking calls, answering the door, responding to emails, scheduling and coffee fetching.
- Body servant; bathing, shaving, grooming and overall health care of the dominant.
- Escort; social elitist with the ability to bring attention to your owner, chat about all sorts of world topics and look beautiful on their arm.
- Service Top; when an owner is a masochist it may be requested that the submissive learn play activities to service the top.
Do you have any other ideas of what a service submissive can be? Share them in the comments!
Now that you have a better understanding of what service is, how can you use your talents to create your service resume? What services do you provide your owner? What services would they like you to learn or enhance?
The Nitty Gritty of the BDSM Lifestyle
December 20, 2008 by lunaKM
Filed under BDSM Basics
There are so many primers out there about BDSM I’m not sure if another one is really needed. Then again with all the basic questions asked on forums and chat rooms about BDSM it’s unlikely that my words will not be read by someone and that they will take something new from them.
BDSM is an umbrella term for Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, Submission, Sadism, Masochism. Each of these words on their own is a giant term with a lot of other vocabulary under them. Basically anything kinky will fall under one of these terms. You don’t have to know all of the vocabulary to practice BDSM but if you are really curious there are BDSM dictionaries all over the web.
Informed Consent’s BDSM Dictionary
On top of knowing some of the words comes learning some of the expectations and experiences you can have in the BDSM Lifestyle. Becoming a submissive in a D/s dynamic is just like any other relationship with one very important difference. The roles are set, not fluid like a regular relationship. A dominant and submissive never switch roles (unless in agreed upon circumstances) and the relationship continues strongly as this dynamic. People can be into kinky play and only engage in their roles in the bedroom or they can be in control of their chosen role throughout their lives.
Neither is greater or less valuable to BDSM. What one chooses to do within their relationship is personal and unique. Liking other people’s kinks is not required, but accepting them is looked favorably on. There are many things that I would never entertain as pleasurable or enjoyable but I can appreciate someone else’s desire to do them for those reasons.
Not everyone you meet that is into BDSM wants to be part of a community. You can’t make someone come out into BDSM public and say they are kinky. BDSM is still in the closet for most folks and that’s okay with them. Those who want to be a part of the community you bring with you a wonderful amount of experience and personal knowledge that everyone, including new people, can learn from.
Is it a Lifestyle?
BDSM is a Lifestyle for me. I live it all the time, it’s who I am. This is not the case with over half of the known BDSM population. The range of participation varies greatly. I can’t say that I know exact numbers, but I know that out of 10 people I could met in a room, 7 of them probably do not identify as Lifestyle BDSM’ers. That’s fine with me, we can still chat kink and not get all uncomfortable becuase we aren’t EXACTLY alike, right?
There are many different roles you can play in BDSM as well, from Top, Dominant or Master to bottom, submisssive and slave. There are also variations on these roles as well depending on the type of dynamic you want. You could be in a Daddy/little girl or Mommy/little boy dynamic. You could be in a Poly Master/slave household where you are the alpha. You could just be kinky and love the fun stuff in the bedroom. It’s all available to you.
What’s the Big Deal?
BDSM is a big deal to those that have anything to do with it because it turns them on in some way; sexually, intellectually, emotionally or all of the above. BDSM is not always sex driven, but it can be. The kinky among us consider it almost a sexual orientation; even I’ve given this idea a thought or two on my blog.
Is it Safe?
Depends really on what you define as safe. BDSM has two different stands on safety. One is SSC; Safe, Sane and Concensual. The other is RACK; Risk Aware Concensual Kink. The only thing in common with these two is the concensuality. The interpretations are different as different can be. Justin Medlin wrote an essay titled ‘SSC vs. RACK‘ explaining the differences between the two.
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