Lactation Play and the Adult Nursing Relationship

This is a guest post by dani. She is a new submissive in an Adult Nursing relationship.You can read about Erotic Lactation at Wikipedia or visit Land of Milk and Honey for more information.

We didn’t start 2009 with any kind of BDSM activities in our lives, so we have quite the journey over the last 12 months! For many couples an Adult Nursing Relationship is not considered  kinky nor does it have any connection between lactation and BDSM. For us, lactation was a first step down a new path.

Our journey to re-lactation began as the first kinky request my husband made of me. We have been together for 13 years and while he suckled for my relief when our babies were breastfed, i hadn’t had any milk for over a year. He had been looking up on line how to induce and he asked me to do it one evening. While i didn’t think re-lactation was possible, i was excited about his enthusiasm and his request of me.  We started with a pretty relaxed schedule, but he suckled 3x a day for about 20 minutes a side.

Suckling became totally intoxicating.  i craved it and couldn’t wait for him to come home from work so we could sneak off and have our time together.  Not surprisingly, all of the attention did wonders for my libido.  My husband compared me to an old car. If you let her go too long without getting her started, she will take longer to get warmed up.  Better to turn her over more often, keep her warm, she will start every time…and as it turned out i was now always warm!  We went from having sex two or so times a week, to having sex two times a day. We spent so much time together, just the two of us, holding each other and that wasn’t something we had ever done before.  Making time for just us was an amazing boost to our relationship, and it wasn’t easy, but it was so worth it.  We found that we didn’t bicker at each other nearly as much as we used to and of course he was much more sexually satisfied. i guess i was, too.

Once milk began to come in, i loved the way my breasts felt.  They were bigger (and they weren’t really small to begin with), but also firmer.  They looked fine without a bra, which was not something i had ever really done before.  They also felt full. i had nursed two babies and once that was over, my breasts felt like deflated balloons. So, we were both very happy with the physical changes.

Feeling sexier and being physically together so much more often, led to more, shall we say, creative sex for us.  He opened up about wanting milky breasts and i was able to open up more about other, more submissive, behavior i was interested in exploring.

Now as my Master, he gives me shivers when he tells me to “milk” myself or to take good care of his breasts. i hate the term, “milking”, but when he tells me to do it, it sends me to the moon.  We are still suckling regularly and while i don’t make as much milk as he would like, we both still love spending the time together a couple of times a day.

dani is a new submissive and this is her first guest post on Submissive Guide. You can reach her on FetLife at milkydani

With the Stroke of a Cane: Enjoying Caning

This is a guest post by Nadia West for the BDSM activities series.

I’m fairly new to caning, but I’ve discovered that I like it a lot (even if I can’t take as much as some people can). I was afraid of canes for a long time because I had heard they’re rough pain-wise. While I like pain I’m not truly a pain slut. And it’s true, they are rough – the impact is concentrated along one thin area. But I find that a caning puts me into subspace wonderfully, perhaps better than any other implement.

I don’t have experience with different types of canes. MasterDoc’s (my Dom) are rattan with handmade handles. Rattan is pretty standard cane material. It doesn’t look like the rattan cane with the crook is fundamentally different than a straight rattan cane. I got to watch a sub get beaten with a carbon fiber cane recently – seems harsher than the more flexible rattan. I’ve also read that carbon fiber canes conduct electricity, and therefore can be used creatively with a Violet Wand. Canes come in other materials, including acrylic and aluminum. The less flexible a cane is, the more pain it’s going to produce.

My Dom has always warmed me up first with his hand, and/or a paddle. He gets my ass nice and rosy and my pain tolerance starts to improve with warm up. Then he picks out the thinnest cane we have (we’re working our way up to the thickest of the three someday) and starts with some taps. Light taps aren’t too painful, but the real attraction of the cane is a sharp hit. Angry red stripes left on your ass is definitely a desirable, and kinkily attractive, result. With a sharp hit the pain surges and I have to focus my breathing. I slowly breathe in and out so I can manage the pain. Sometimes my Dom strokes my legs until my tense muscles start to relax. Then he resumes with the cane. It’s quite painful, but unlike paddling it’s a short, sharp pain. Paddling usually goes on with the paddle hitting the same area repeatedly, and that gives me a longer lasting pain. While the cane strokes have to be measured and I need more breaks to process the pain, it feels exhilarating to take it.

It’s intense dealing with the sharp pain, but this makes me feel even more proud about taking it than pain from other implements. I probably cry out more, but this isn’t necessarily a bad thing. (I’m sure sadists just love those little cries of pain.) The intensity leads me into subspace fairly quickly. As I enter subspace, I find that strokes of the cane that would ordinarily hurt are somehow manageable. I feel proud of myself for immediately converting the pain into pleasure. Some strikes do hurt though, and it’s not like the caning will ever be negligibly stimulating. I get to float between, “Wow, that should hurt but it really doesn’t feel like much,” to “Holy shit that hurt! I’m holding my breath involuntarily now; I need to take deep breaths.”

At the end of a caning, I’m really wet and in a total subspace buzz. With just a little sexual teasing at that point I’d probably gladly do anything whatsoever that my dominant asked of me (even things that I usually have a hard time with, like piss play). I look forward to working my way up to more intense canes, and I’m glad that I didn’t let my fear keep me from trying them out.

Nadia West blogs about her adventures with her Dom over at Diary of Kinky Librarian (www.diaryofakinkylibrarian.com). While she’s been a kinkster for years, she’s only been in a D/s relationship for two and a half years. Other favorite pastimes include (receiving) wax play, orgasm control, flogging and giving blow jobs. She also twitters at www.twitter.com/nadiawest.

photo by canes4pain.com

Submissive Chat Night 1/12/10 8PM CST – BDSM Play

It’s time again for another chat night here at Submissive Guide. I’d welcome everyone to come on in Tuesday 1/12 for a bit of conversation. The topic is going to be BDSM Play. Anything and everything can be discussed. Please come with questions or a curiosity about different play activities.

Info

When: 1/12/10 8 PM CDT – 9:30 PM CDT

Where: Chat room on the website, or use an IRC Client

Topic: BDSM Play activities. All questions asked will be answered!

How to get to the Chat Room

The chat room is attached to this site under the link at the top, or you can click this link here.  It will ask for your nickname and then automatically connect you to the chat room. It is open all the time, so if you want to meet some people, hang out in there. I try to be there when I’m at my computer too.

If you use an IRC desktop client you can connect to the server directly. Here is the information you need to find the room:

Server: irc.mibbit.com
Port: 6667
Channel: #submissive-guide

Questions? Let me know. Otherwise I hope to see a lot of you there on Tuesday!

Let’s Play! BDSM Activities From a Submissive Viewpoint

One of every submissive’s first experiences happens to be in the bedroom or dungeon. That’s why this month I’d like to focus on the joys and pleasures of the things we can explore during scenes and play.

The next few weeks we’ll be hearing about a variety of BDSM activities. Just about every post is a guest post from readers like you! Here are some of the posts that I have coming up:

• Exploring Impact Play by bgtreasure
• Fireplay by Gwendolyn
• Caning by Nadia West
• Lactation Play by dani
• Rope Bondage by patricialynn
• A Beginner’s Look at play by The Beginner

I’m still looking for more guest posts for this series so if you are interested in writing about your favorite playtime activity, please contact me!

photo by erenemre

Exploring BDSM in a Guest Post Feature Series

To herald in the New Year I have been able to collect guest posts from some of the best voices in submission to share with you what it’s like to explore and experience their favorite play activities. Over the next few weeks we will learn about flogging and caning, rope bondage and fire play and more!

If you have a favorite play activity and you’d like to share with the readers what it’s like, please let me know!

You have until January 18th to get me your contributions.

Are you an avid fan of a particular play activity? Would you write a short post about what you experience during the play time; from how it feels, how you respond, what it does to you emotionally and recovery. Sorry, no Dominant posts!

Some ideas for posts:

Spanking,  metal bondage, orgasm denial or come on command, watersports, play piercing/needle play, humiliation, adult babies and so much more. The sky is the limit.

Here’s what I need from you if you want to help:

• Send me an email (subguide@gmail.com) and let me know you want to write a post about _______ topic.
• Write the post. (At least 500 words and the submissive point of view)
• Write a 3-5 sentence bio with at least one way for people to find you online.
• Send me the finished post! I’ll review it and let you know when it will be posted.
• Enjoy the fame when it shows up on the blog!

Write About Your Favorite BDSM Play Activity for Submissive Guide

I’m planning a series of posts in JANUARY related to BDSM activities. Are you an avid fan of a particular play activity? Would you write a short post about what you experience during the play time; from how it feels, how you respond, what it does to you emotionally and recovery. Sorry, no Dominant posts!

Some ideas for posts: Flogging, spanking, rope bondage, metal bondage, orgasm denial or come on command, lactation, watersports, play piercing/needle play, humiliation and so much more. The sky is the limit.

Here’s what I need from you if you want to help:

1. Send me an email (subguide@gmail.com) and let me know you want to write a post about _______ topic.
2. Write the post. (At least 500 words and the submissive point of view)
3. Write a 3-5 sentence bio with at least one way for people to find you online.
4. Send me the finished post! I’ll review it and let you know what day in January it will be posted.
5. Enjoy the fame when it shows up on the blog!

Chat Night Transcript From What is Service Talk

lunaKM> So, first I’d like to get some impression about how new you are to submission. Could you please tell me how long you have been exploring submission and if you are in a relationship right now?

lunaKM> hello aquamuse

aquamuse> Hello, I’m new of course.

eagerslut> I am in a relationship and just recently discovered I am submissive and asked my master to teach me. Previously he had other subs

selene1123> i am currently in a 24/7 m/s relationship…have been exploring submission for about 6 months

aquamuse> I am in my first positive and healthy D/s relationship now with a man who is just discovering how much he likes it when I do what he asks.

aquamuse> about 6 months.

eagerslut> We always have had a sexual d/s relationship but 2 wks ago i discovered I wanted a 24/7

pleasure> i am in a 24/7 D/s relationship for over 6 years now…..i am 53 and in the lifestyle 6 1/2 years

bc26_2> i have only been doing this since march of this year and i am in a D/s relationship for that same amount of time

lunaKM> I’ve been living 24/7 for 5 years, just so you know ;)

pleasure> smiles

eagerslut> :O:

lunaKM> Ok, so we have a range of experience levels. thank you so much for sharing with me.

pleasure> it’s an ever evolving lifestyle and growth, no matter how long one has been in it

eagerslut> That is what I believe

lunaKM> Now, what do you think service is to you? No answer is wrong.

selene1123> To me, service is anything i physically do for Master’s purpose or enjoyment

aquamuse> I’m going to venture here and say service is being totally available, open and willing to comply. This assumes my basic needs are taken care of and put to the side for the time being.

eagerslut> Doing something for someone that would make them happy,even if you don’t feel like doing it. Giving your heart and soul to please that person

pleasure> nick/pleasure…….service/submission..is all the same to me…what ever makes my Sir life easier, happier…and i might add that i am actually more a slave

lunaKM> I’ve always believed that service is a part of my submission and what I give to my Master on a daily basis. Service is, to me, the activities that help the house run, our life be enjoyable and the basic needs met.

pleasure> yes exactly luna

eagerslut> That is very true

lunaKM> But I had someone explain to me yesterday on my recent post that they believe service is separate from submission

lunaKM> and I really like that explanation she gave too.

bc26_2> i agree with service being anything that makes the house run and enjoyable…even when my Mistress is not here

selene1123> i see service as the physical representation of my emotion submission

selene1123> *emotional

aquamuse> I like that selene1123

lunaKM> I’m going to quote it here… CarrieAnn said: To me, service and submission are different. Service is something I do because I’m required to or even want to but doesn’t necessarily require that I submit to anything or anyone. I can not have a submissive bone in my body and still serve. Submission is more direct; surrender to his will, submission to his dominance. The two often merge but are not always one and the same.
eagerslut> I like that too

bc26_2> oh i like that too

pleasure> yes i like that

eagerslut> I can see that point

lunaKM> So as you can see for some of us they are the same thing, but for others they are separate

lunaKM> Perhaps that is why I see people identify as service submissives?

eagerslut> As is everything in life we are all different and we interpret things differently,from our own background

eagerslut> I like that term

bc26_2> i feel that i am in service to many — myself, my Mistress, my daughter at some level…but i submit to only my Mistress

lunaKM> If we can agree that service is likely to be activities and not emotional in nature then perhaps we can come up with a list of things that are service?

aquamuse> I can agree with the definition.

eagerslut> I am a nurse so I feel I service others on a daily basis but I submit to my MAster .

bc26_2> i agree

lunaKM> alright so is my daily coffee preparation for my Master service or submission?

lunaKM> How about the daily chores?

pleasure> i am a nurse too,as like eager, i only submit to my Sir

eagerslut> C

selene1123> i would consider daily tasks or chores service

aquamuse> by definiton – these are examples of serice.

eagerslut> keeping the house clean

selene1123> but why you do it and how you do it is an aspect of submission

eagerslut> making sure my Masters children are taken care of

pleasure> laundry, making the bed..keeping the house clean is all service…

* lunaKM nods

lunaKM> Is sex a form of service?

eagerslut> BAking.massages,listening

aquamuse> baby making?

pleasure> my Sir has set in rules for a clean house

pleasure> yes i believe that would be a service aqua

selene1123> sex to me is a form of service

pleasure> i agree selene

eagerslut> Yes I think sex is a form of service,but I love it so much it definitely isn’t a chore

pleasure> no chore here either lol

aquamuse> hehe

lunaKM> Are all things service related as chores though?

pleasure> service doesn’t have to be something enjoyed

lunaKM> I’d think that there are some things you do that you enjoy just as much as sex as service.

aquamuse> I have things like workouts and keeping a calendar updated – are these service by our definition?

pleasure> no i don’t think all things service related are chores

eagerslut> I hate to cook but I do it because my Master loves it when I do. He generally does most of the cooking but I know he is very pleased when I do

lunaKM> I believe so aqua

selene1123> service itself is enjoyable to me…even if the act i am performing may not be

lunaKM> For me that’s hard to get in touch with selene1123. I’m quite expressive in my face and even if I try not to show my displeasure at a task he tends to figure it out.

bc26_2> i agree with you selene

pleasure> yes but you are still serving luna

aquamuse> me too selene1123

lunaKM> heh, I hear that a lot from him also :P

eagerslut> I do also

lunaKM> Next thought…. do all submissives serve and do all that serve submit?

pleasure> no

eagerslut> No

aquamuse> no

bc26_2> no

lunaKM> In what way can we describe the separation?

pleasure> it’s clearly upon each individual and the circumstances of the relationship

eagerslut> I think they are interchangable

pleasure> i don’t think there is line to divide the two….they do intertwine at times for many of us

selene1123> some may serve out of necessity or arrangement (like a stay-at-home mother or father) but that doesn’t mean they are submitting

pleasure> very true

eagerslut> Yes I agree

pleasure> to submit for me is doing something i detest….and yet serving

pleasure> does that make sense ?

lunaKM> Why do you think service is held in such a high place when Dominants talk about what they would like in a partner?

lunaKM> It does pleasure.

eagerslut> I think serving is a task you can do for anyone and submission is giving your being over to your Master.

eagerslut> To establish routines

pleasure> first of all….Dominates…are predominately Male….and have different ideas and thoughts as to what serving is…it’s what and how They define it

aquamuse> I know my Lover simply enjoys the idea that I obey him in simple requests. I think the power of that has suprised him.

eagerslut> To esatblish who is in control

selene1123> i agree with eagerslut – to emphasize who has the reins in the relationship

aquamuse> I agree too with eagerslut

lunaKM> I think that since service is what they can see immediately as a result of their dominance that they tend to place that a bit higher in importance

lunaKM> submission may not be immediate, but you can serve

eagerslut> Yes how true

pleasure> yes

aquamuse> that idea works for me luna.

selene1123> i can see that

pleasure> there are those that identify as bottoms..they serve..but don’t submit

lunaKM> So is the desire to serve natural or something learned?

eagerslut> Both

aquamuse> for me it seems to be natural.

pleasure> one can only answer for themselves….for me it natural…and yet i feel it can be learned

eagerslut> Some come by it naturally but anyone can learn to serve if they desire

lunaKM> it’s completely learned for me. and it’s not coming easy, that’s for sure

bc26_2> it depends – it is natural for me

aquamuse> I read your bio today.

lunaKM> which one aquamuse?

selene1123> yes, it depends on the person…i’ve always felt the need to serve, though i never really had an outlet before Master

eagerslut> I am a mixture. I have some inherent ability to serve but I can be very selfish at times

aquamuse> Luna.

lunaKM> Oh I meant which site did you read it on

eagerslut> I agree with selene

pleasure> i am a nurse..to serve is natural….

aquamuse> Yours Luna, you mentioned that the whole submissive thing was contrary to your persona? I hope I got that right?

lunaKM> yeah, I’ve had to do some rewiring. It goes opposite to how I was raised.

lunaKM> I get the greatest thrill though when I do something in full submission mode though.

aquamuse> on the Submissive Guide

lunaKM> Which is probably why I’ve stuck with it.

eagerslut> i always thought taht being liberated and independent I couldn’t be submissive but I have found that since I have given myself over to it I am more liberated

lunaKM> There were a good 6 months I considered going Domme. ;)

pleasure> i lived in a marriage of 23 yrs, and didn’t realize till after my divorce that he was controlling..not Dominate ..there is a difference..and to the way one submits to each

bc26_2> can you describe what you mean by full submission mode

aquamuse> * smiles*

pleasure> you are free now to be who you really are inside

eagerslut> Yes controlling is different My first husband was a controller

selene1123> i agree eagerslut…Master likes to make fun of the fact that i am a feminist submissive

lunaKM> full submission mode for me is when I’m given a task and as I’m performing it, no matter what that is, I feel a peace, like all the pieces fit just right, a perfection at my choices in life.

lunaKM> I’d like to attain that as permanently as possible, but right now it’s just fits and starts.

eagerslut> You explained that beautifully

eagerslut> I will strive for that

bc26_2> nice

lunaKM> I get like a buzzing in my head almost when I get there, and my heart swells in my chest. It’s grand.

aquamuse> I wan’t that too.

pleasure> good way to explain it luna……for myself, luna, i call that “focus”

lunaKM> yeah, it is a focus, sure!

selene1123> to me, it’s a moment of perfect connection with Master

pleasure> smiles

eagerslut> :)

lunaKM> Do any of you provide any unique service to your Dominant?

eagerslut> I remodeled his home,laid tile

pleasure> well….grins ..everything from toweling Him dry after a shower..to tying of His shoes

bc26_2> wow – you go

eagerslut> Had to go to Home depot to learn that

pleasure> Dom Depot lol

eagerslut> ;)

lunaKM> Master loans me out to the BDSM communities around us when calls for volunteers are needed for events. I’ve folded pamphlets to checking people in at the door and serving as hostess.

lunaKM> He’s not as … outgoing as I am… so he says I go in his place :P

selene1123> i act as His personal assistant…He hates writing, remembering appts, anything like that so i kinda “manage” things for Him

lunaKM> I am also Master’s chauffeur. He never drives

eagerslut> I get him out of the house to exercise he hates to get going but enjoys it once he does

eagerslut> Mine hates to drive also

* lunaKM chuckles I wish I could do that for my Owner. He just says watching me is enough workout.

pleasure> we mentor others in the lifestyle..and i have given classes as other Doms request Their subs/slaves need training in areas of service that the Dom is not able to do

pleasure> (at)

lunaKM> I suppose Submissive Guide is a service I provide too

pleasure> oh yes luna !! smiles

eagerslut> Yes it helps me

pleasure> a service to all that reads it

aquamuse> Good service!

selene1123> very informative for the new slave!

bc26_2>  agreed

pleasure> being in the lifestyle for over 6 years now, but i am still a child learning my way

lunaKM> Like eagerslut said, she had to learn something in order to serve in a way or another. What have you went out to learn so that you could serve better?

pleasure> i took geisha classes ! lol

eagerslut> I love to learn and feel like I would wither away if I am not learning

lunaKM> what are geisha classes like?

pleasure> learn grace, pose …..

eagerslut> Oh I would love to do a geisha class

bc26_2> i am putting together a list for my Mistress now on things I need to learn

aquamuse> I learned the theory’s of lifting weights and started workout out.

lunaKM> oh lordy, Master would so have me in a grace and poise class in a

heartbeat.

bc26_2> lol

pleasure> it was fantastic….a part of me woke up, literally…..seeing His eyes the first time i walked in the room with out plunking down on the floor at His feet lol

eagerslut> I love the grace of a geisha. my Master lived in Okinawa and he is into that

selene1123> Master has discussed sending me to geisha classes, but the closest ones are almost 6 hours away :(

eagerslut> :(

lunaKM> awesome I doubt there are any around me, but I’m sure I can find some reference materials online ;)

aquamuse> I read that book about Gehsha. Loved it!

pleasure> google it selene…there are online sites that have wonderful tips, ect

eagerslut> I’ll do that also

aquamuse> I believe beauty is a service.

eagerslut> I have been practicing yoga and getting into position gracefully

pleasure> i may be in jeans and t-shirt one day , dirty in garden dust….but i have a feeling..of being sexy…

pleasure> oh yes i agree aqua

selene1123> definitely aqua

eagerslut> I feel sexy when I think of my Master

pleasure> taking pride in your appearance

lunaKM> Alright, anything else you’d like to cover about service?

bc26_2> yes, taking pride in appearance

eagerslut> Appearance is very important

eagerslut> I love shaving and getting ready to see him

eagerslut> He loves for me to wear dresses and heels.The heels are definately a service

selene1123> haha, my Master is the opposite

pleasure> i shave daily, sometimes twice if we are having company, for a teaching session for others ….shaving is a daily service for many subs/slaves

selene1123> i wear dresses and heels all the tim, so He likes me to wear jeans and sneakers

pleasure> your behavior…just as appearance reflects service….and it reflects back to Your Dom/Master

eagerslut> Yes my Master has already informed me of that. To speak succinctly when asked a question and to think before I speak

pleasure> yes and in a quiet tone…..

pleasure> in geisha training, words are not needed

pleasure> it’s your body that speaks for you

pleasure> the way you move….kneeling down to tie His shoe, He knows i have arthritis in both knees..that is service though painful for me

eagerslut> true

lunaKM> Well ladies that is all I have for tonight. I can stay for another half hour to chat so I’m going to open the floor for free chat if anyone would like to stay.

eagerslut> I’m going to have to get a geisha outfit now

bc26_2> thank you very much for the chat luna

eagerslut> That you for your insight luna

aquamuse> Thank you luna.

Also might interest you

Simply Service Newsletter

Is It Submission If You Like What You’re Doing?

I love surfing the submissive blogs to see what other people are talking about. Many times it gives me something to talk about here on this site. This post is one such example. Over on Underhishand.com, kaya asked about submission and what qualifies it as submission. She asked if you are not expected to do things that you don’t like, can it be submission? Can activities that you would do normally become submission just by someone telling you to do them, or being directed to perform them?

It’s an interesting question and one that has me really thinking about what I consider submission, whether I would be considered a submissive for what I do and how would my life be if it fell into kaya’s philosophy. How would you decide what is considered submitting and what doesn’t?

In my opinion, anything that a Dominant asks the submissive to do is considered submission to them when performed. This can be as basic as making coffee in the morning to being forced to lick his shoes even though you have expressed a distaste for that.  Whether or not you would do them without direction doesn’t matter. It is still submission because the Dominant has expressed that x, y and z would make them happy.

For kaya, only things that are considered submission are things you have to be challenged, pushed and  forced to do. Essentially doing things that the only joy would be in knowing that your Dominant is happy that you did them.

If everything you’re doing is stuff that you would do on your own anyway, and the only difference now is that someone is telling you to do what you were already doing, and you’re never challenged or pushed or expected to, you know, actually submit to something or someone…. I have trouble seeing the submission. –kaya

Let’s use a basic example and apply it to kaya’s question in different situations. The activity I will use for this discussion is washing dishes. Let’s say that on a normal day a submissive not in a relationship does the dishes once a day before bed. It’s a habit that they have developed and maintained.

Entering into a relationship, this same submissive is told that they have to do the dishes once a day. Since they already have this habit in place, can this be submission? Yes it is because the Dominant has now expressed a desire for the submissive to maintain the habit they already have in place. You are submitting to the Dominant’s wishes to continue a desirable habit.

Now consider if the Dominant asked the submissive to wash the dishes within a half hour after dinner is complete. The dishes being washed is still only once a day but it means changing the habit to obey the Dominant and do them earlier. Is this now submission? In this instance I would also say that yes, it is submission. This is an example of behavior modification and once the submissive moves their habit to washing the dishes at the right time, the daily dish washing would still continue to be a routine that would likely continue with or without the Dominant. It would please the Dominant to have the submissive change their habit to suit their preferences.

Next the Dominant sets up a specific washing routine that the submissive needs to follow. This routine specifies what the submissive should wear to do dishes, what order to wash them in and perhaps even how they are to be placed in the drying rack. All of the items in this routine are different from what the submissive has been doing in their habit of washing the dishes once a day. Is this now submission? Yes. It’s a new routine that the submissive must follow and obey, and to please the Dominant, the new order must be upheld. Even if this would then become habit, the submissive performs for the Dominant’s pleasure.

What if another submissive enters the relationship and is asked to do the dishes on a daily basis. This submissive hates doing the dishes and yet is expected to fulfill the Dominant’s desire. Is this submissive MORE submissive than the other just based on the fact that they are being made to do something that they don’t normally enjoy or want to do? No. They are still submissive as long as they carry out the request.

What I’m trying to get at here, is that submission is based on what is agreed upon in the relationship. It can include things that you are happy doing and that make you feel good when you do them. There may also be things that challenge you, or push you to some limit and you have to perform them just as well. Putting limits on what is submissive and what isn’t is a lot like competition with others, that I’ve already expressed an opinion on.

It is an individual idea of what is submissive behavior and what isn’t. The importance is not to express it out loud to the person if you disagree with how they do things or if you define what they are doing as NOT submissive. Everyone has a right to live their life however they want, and if they submit by doing only things that they love and adore (and the Dominant agrees to this) then who’s to say that they aren’t submissive?

photo by three7zero

Add Your Reading List to Your Training Resume

Since the beginning of Submissive Guide I have been writing essays to help you build your service/submissive/slave resume. This is the living document of your experience and training on different tasks and a variety of relationships. If you are interested in reading the previous posts about the Training Resume I suggest you start at the topic index.

Today we are going to compile a list of the books you have read during your service that are a part of your growth and learning. The importance of this list is not only to show a potential Dominant that you are well read, but that you have a personal desire to work on improving yourself, learning a wide range of viewpoints and opinions and learn about BDSM activities of all sorts.

Gather Your Books

Pull together all the books you’ve read on BDSM, specific service items and other self help resources that you have read completely. These books can be basic relationship self help, etiquette, green cleaning and simple living, How-to books, and so much more. Let your mind explore your entire library and figure out how that could apply to a BDSM service relationship. You might be surprised.

Magazines and Newspapers

Although a bit more rare or pricey, you can find excellent magazines and even newspaper articles that might help you with building a reference library for your service experience and development as a person. Perhaps you have a subscription to a gardening magazine, home repair or fine dining journal. These things can be wonderful resources for your service life. Be creative and look for learning opportunities everywhere you go.

Online Sources

Don’t forget online newsletters and blogs that you are subscribed to! Even SubmissiveGuide.com can be a great resource to list on your reading list if you read it regularly and learn from it. Make note of the posts or articles that you enjoyed the most and the URL if there is one.

General Essay websites are great too, but make sure you keep a list of articles that you have read on each one so that it isn’t assumed that you have read the entire site.

How to Make the List

For books, make a list of the titles, authors, publication dates and a synopsis of the book. Online resources need to have the name of the site, the URL, the date you last accessed it and the site owner with a way to contact them if you can find one. You can also spend time writing personal reviews of the book or essay with what you took from it and made your own.

For example, I just read SlaveCraft and reviewed it on this blog. I can add that book to my service resume in the Reading List area. My entry would look something like this:

SlaveCraft: Roadmaps for Erotic Servitude, principles, skills and tools by a grateful slave with Guy Baldwin, M.S.

Daedalus Publishing Company (April 2002)

The author writes for the submissive or slave who may already have experience and thus understand the skills and tools that will help deepen their surrender. His four principles that he describes in detail are Identity, Obedience, Transparency and Humility. Each one is artfully discussed so that while you may be walking in his world of surrender you can apply them to your own service quite easily.

Making this list now will help you in the future too when you try to remember where you read that fantastic book or essay that you’d like to refer to, or share with a friend. The importance of a list like this can help you in more ways that just your resume.

What else would you list on your reading list? Would it be beneficial to list books and articles that you want to read in the future or have an interest in?

Living with Kids While in the D/s Lifestyle

This is a guest post by Christian. He  is a switch male of the D/s lifestyle for the past 14 years.

For my first post here I am going to write about something I get asked a fair bit. How does one raise kids in a D/s household? As one with several kids I thought I should talk just a moment on this. It does interest me how others deal with this so I would like to know how others feel as well.

My own history of being raised in a D/s household (unbeknownst to me) my entire life also puts me in a unique position to speak on this as well. It is obvious to me now how my folks are and the thought had crossed my mind once I became aware there was a whole underground community at the age of 18. But until it was stated clearly I would have never known for sure.

In most ways my owner and I approach this thing very much as my parents did. They did as much as possible to shield me from their unique lifestyle as do we. And just like they did I imagine there will be a day when I (or my owner) will have an honest open conversation about such things. I want them to know there is a lifestyle that exists like this, and make their own decisions about what to do with that knowledge. Unlike my mother though, I will try to tell them at some point in their life when it will be helpful to them if they need that. I suspect one or two of them may be exactly like us. As an adolescent I struggled with my strange thoughts and feelings. It never even occurred to me there were others like me. And it was happening right in my own home! It would have been some helpful knowledge at that time.

But for now it is my priority as a parent to not spoil their innocence in any way. It is a precious thing and my children are a far higher priority then this life I lead. Don’t misunderstand, we are very serious about our lifestyle, and it does not take a break ever. But when it comes to my children they just don’t need to know about this thing right now.

It must be ridiculously obvious to my children who “wears the pants” in the family. But they think only that. I don’t address my owner with things like “mistress” or even call her my “owner” with the children about. We do have ways of communicating that are our secret way when they are about. We have code words for different things that mean one thing to an uninvolved bystander but a completely other thing to us.

There are obvious and subtle ways that one can serve without making ones submission obvious. You are just simply fulfilling the things that need to be done about the house. Like making breakfast, picking up the kids from school, doing the grocery shopping, and a thousand other mundane tasks your owner may not particularly enjoy. While those of us who enjoy service will be very happy to do those things.

Now BDSM play is a whole other matter entirely of course. I know this sort of thing is probably not an option for a lot of people, but this is one reason we hired a nanny for the kids. She manages to keep them busy and away from the house on activities quite often. And even our teenager enjoys going out with them from time to time, but being a teenager she also has her own life and priorities at the moment, and most times that does not involve hanging around her boring parents. Most of the time she goes out with her girlfriend and they are gone for as long as we allow her.

There are numerous things in BDSM that one can do to be discreet while living with children. Wax play, needles, bondage on its own is quiet of course, and if you want to do the spanking thing there are numerous implements that are themselves silent. Now keeping a sub quiet is another matter entirely but that is where a good ball gag comes in handy. There is also something called figging, which by a quick look around the Internet I see has become quite popular.

So having kids can be a challenge in this lifestyle but I do recommend being honest with them at some point in their life. They deserve to come to this knowledge just as much as other things in this life. What they choose to do with said knowledge should be up to them. Try not to be disappointed when they choose one way or the other too. Remember they are doing that because it makes them happy. You will have to trust them that they (or their owner) will keep themselves safe.

These are just some of my varied thoughts on this. I hope to hear from others on their opinions. Thank you.

Christian is a switch male of the D/s lifestyle for the past 14 years. He was introduced to the lifestyle and the society that at that time was extremely underground at 18 years of age.  He was raised (unbeknownst to him until just recently) in a D/s household as well. In addition his grandparents also were of the lifestyle. Christian am currently collared to his owner of 10 years who is bi-sexual and also has another female submissive. You can contact him at christian0539@gmail.com

Submissive Guide Town Hall Meeting

Submissive Guide is just over 7 months old now and with a decent number of well received posts I’d like to get your feedback as to where Submissive Guide is going. Let me go through what I’ve seen happen on the site and what I’m working on for the future. I want your input too, so please leave me a comment or drop me an email with your thoughts. I’d love to hear them, good or bad.

Growth

Since Submissive Guide began on the 2nd of January this year I have had over 100,000 visits. This is mostly all organic growth. That means you are finding me through search engines the most. I have a lot of blogs linking to me as well and I’m so grateful for your faith in my writing. I don’t pay for advertising anywhere else right now and don’t see a need to do that for future growth. Just spread the word when you can and I will be happy.

As far as the advertising on this site, all of the current banner ads are affiliates. This means that I get a small kickback when you purchase items from them. I have one paying ad as a text link in the right sidebar. If you are interested in purchasing some ad space I’d be happy to talk to you. You can stop by my advertising page and contact me from there.  I have made a small amount of money from Amazon Affiliates and all the income from there has gone to purchasing the books that I do reviews on the site with. I plan to continue doing this with Amazon income for the foreseeable future.

Submissive Guide is an income venture and I do hope to make money from this site at some point. My hope is to provide you with e-books and workbooks to help you improve your submission in some way. These would be economically priced and I will make sure that they are worth the cost to you. My first workbook currently in the works is an expanded version of the Submissive Positions series I posted at the end of April and into May. I’m working with a Yoga instructor to provide you with stretching exercises and alterations to the positions so that you can work into them and improve your flexibility and stamina. There will also be lovely pictures of the positions! Stay tuned as I work on this throughout the summer.

Coaching in the Works

I am also developing a submissive life coach business to co-live with Submissive Guide, the site. I will be personally coaching you to reach your goals through email, chat sessions and phone conferencing. This could also lead to training courses and group classes to help reach your goals and discover the stumbling blocks keeping you from reaching your goals. This is still quite a ways away, as there is a lot of business red tape and personal planning I have to get through to make sure I do things right. I am very excited about being able to get to know you better though coaching!

Features on this Site

I have a few reoccurring features on this site that I’d like to draw your attention to. Every month I have a Roundtable discussion that is meant as a way to teach me about a topic I don’t know a lot about. The past few have been about polyamory and open relationships, and shaving. I love the information we have collected on these topics and am happy with the participation I get. Do you like the Roundtable Discussions? Let me know!

Every month I also have a book review of a book about submission or BDSM. I try to give an honest review of the book as well as referencing it to submission and what may help you improve and empower yourself. What books would you like to see reviewed? Do you like these? Would you like to see more?

The resources area has a lot of wonderful things to explore. I have a BDSM bookshelf, a link to the Submissive Journal Prompts site, links area, submissive groups around the web and the Simply Service newsletter archive. If you have a resource you think should be included I want to know about it!

The frequency of posts may decline as the demand for my time spreads out to other areas. I do intend to not go below 3 times a week and will post more frenquently if I have guest posts to share with you. I never imagined this site would do so well in such a short amount of time, but I’m finding that to be fulfilling as well.

Share Your Experiences

I am always looking for guest posts on a numerous variety of topics. I’d welcome anyone’s essays to share here on Submissive Guide. I have a page that details what I expect from the essay which you can find here. I’m grateful to those that have donated time and writing for this site so far and look forward to working with many more of you in the future.

Here’s some of what I’m looking for:

• How to reprogram yourself to come once the Come on Command relationship is over.
• When you owner controls all of the money, how to adjust, adapt and live that way.
• BDSM with kids around. Anything and everything to do with this topic.
• Sexual submissive topics (great sex tips for example)
• Exerpertise in BDSM activities from the bottom point of view, select one activity per post.
• BDSM fiction and non-fiction book reviews
• Posts from the male submissive point of view; any topics welcome
• Anything else?

Paid Posts

I offer paid posts from people that have qualification and certification in the field they wish to write about. These posts range from $10-50 depending on the helpfulness, depth and other factors to be discussed.

I’m currently looking for:

• Certified and licensed massage therapist to write a series of posts about various massage techniques.
• General Practice Doctor to write about health and medical related issues where BDSM is concerned.
• Established BDSM speakers and presenters to write about various topics. (You must have a website that identifies you as a regional or national BDSM presenter.)
• Ordained pastor or minister to discuss religion, spirituality and it’s connection with submission in all forms.

If you are interested, please contact me.

How to Get Updates

Now, I’m sure many of you get Submissive Guide sent to your email or favorite RSS reader but are you aware there are other ways you can get updates? Submissive Guide has a twitter acount that I post new posts as well as recommended reading, quotes, questions and tips that I’ve collected. If you are on twitter, please follow subguide! If you are on Youtube you can get notices about the video posts one day before they are released here on the blog. I’ve also created a group on FetLife for Submissive Guide so that you can continue the conversation there if you are already active on Fetlife. Lastly, if you have a Kindle you can now get Submissive Guide sent to you that way for only $0.99 a month. I didn’t set the price, Amazon did. If I could, it would be free too. I get a tiny amount of the monthly fee you pay and that will go towards server upkeep.

Let Your Voice Be Heard!

I want you to voice your thoughts on Submissive Guide. What do you like? What don’t you like? Where can I improve? What topics are lacking? Express it all.

photo by rick

The BDSM Checklist that Will Really Help You

An important part of negotiating a scene is discussing what you want out of the scene. Sure there are a lot of really thorough BDSM checklists that you could fill out if you don’t want to really think about what turns you on and drives you crazy with pleasure. BDSM checklists all live under different names. You can call them limit lists, negotiation lists, negotiation checklists and perhaps ones I’ve never heard. They are all based on a similar idea. If you make a list of the things you enjoy or don’t enjoy you can easily share them with the person you want to play with to find out if you can build a scene that will satisfy both of your needs and desires.

The kind of list that I really like is the Yes/No/Maybe list. It doesn’t require you to look up terms you don’t know or try to figure out if you’d be into something you’ve never heard of. This list is a living document and can go in your training resume to be updated as you grow and develop in your submission. I feel that this list will give you a better view of your desires and limits than a list where you rank things by number or leave you questioning if you really are kinky by the number of question marks you put down on things you don’t know.

The YES/NO/MAYBE List

Today I’d like you to get your Yes/No/Maybe list together. Even if you have a limits list already written up; start fresh. See what you can come up with on your own.  First take a big piece of paper and make a list of all the sexual and BDSM activities you can think of, including the ones you wouldn’t choose for yourself.

After you finish with the big list of all possible activities, take a regular piece of paper and make three columns. At the top mark them YES, NO and MAYBE. In the YES column write all the items that you know you like or that you definitely want to try. The NO column are for the things that are out of your limits at this time or things you definitely don’t want to do.  The MAYBE column are for things you might like to do with the right person or if you were turned on enough or interested in but not sure of the safety around it. This is the exploration list.

And just in case you didn’t think of them, here are a few things that end up on the NO list of many experienced players:

• Temporary marks
• Permanent marks
• Play with urine or feces
• Play with guns or knives
• Sexual or genital play or penetration
• Unsafe sex
• Breathing constriction
• Use of drugs and alcohol
• No touching areas or sensitivities
• Triggers ( like “Don’t use belts, they remind me of childhood abuse.”)

Now that you have the lists finished take some time to look at the YES column. Go through each item and mark it with an ‘N’ if you need it to have a good play session. You can mark the rest with ‘W’ for want, including some in the MAYBE column. These are the icing on the cake items, the things that make play facinating and challenging and fun.

Now that you have this list you can look for a negotiations checklist from online or in books. These lists have important information areas like health issues, triggers, medications you are on and so forth. Each list ranges in detail so find one that meets your needs. You can use the lists you find to help you fill out your own list, but don’t add anything so out there that you forget what it is.

Enjoy your explorations!

What’s the Difference Between a Lifestyler and a Player?

This week’s video is about definitions of a lifestyler and a player.

I received the following question via email the other day and thought I would cover it here in a video post.

I’m in a D/s relationship where we tend to do most of our activities behind closed doors. Outside we are a normal equal couple. Someone called me a player the other day in response to my description of who I am and I was confused. I thought I was a lifstyler. What is the difference between a lifestyler and a player?

There are all sorts of labels that people can wear in this lifestyle. Many of these have definitions that fluctuate and change depending on the situation. These are submissive, slave, real, true, Dominant, Master, and the list goes on. No one can agree on what these labels mean for the community.

This is also case for the terms Lifestyler and Player. Let’s cover the definitions first.

• A player is someone who is a BDSM practitioner. This means they participate in the activities that make up the acronym. They could be rope bondage enthusiasts, sadists and masochists. They could be sensual players or people who just like kinky sex. I personally prefer the term practitioner, but I hear player an awful lot in the online and real groups I frequent. This term also lends itself to those who pretend or seduce others as well. We won’t be covering that area today.
• A lifestyler is someone who participates in the D/s aspect outside the bedroom/dungeon as well as may be a proficient BDSM practitioner as well. Just as people may choose to live a green lifestyle or a poly lifestyle the BDSM lifestyler makes the parts of BDSM and D/s that enrich their lives a part of their everyday in some capacity.

A player is just as qualified to converse about things related to BDSM as a lifestyler. The distinction is based solely on the relationship dynamic status and depth of lifestyle change.

The two definitions are no more or less qualified to be a part of BDSM. As skylerpet will discuss later this month, the two areas can be separate or conjoined. In this aspect I feel that they are joined by a common purpose but separate in action and perception.

Why are the two so hotly debated as to who is real and who is not leads me to my next point. Just as we will never agree what the difference is between a submissive and a slave we can not agree with who is a lifestyler and who is a BDSM practitioner. Sometimes they are the same, other times they are not. I’d like to reach out to you and ask you why do these terms have to be so different and why can’t we agree to have an open mind about someone else?

The reality of who we are as individuals is the terms and definitions we apply to ourselves, not the labels other people give us. That’s why I try to always express what my opinion is in an open minded way. I can’t judge or object to anyone else’s labels based purely on what I think they mean. They need to be based on what that person thinks they mean.

So if I say that I’m a lifestyler it means to me that I practice some form of BDSM and D/s in my everyday life. For others it could mean that they are a Gorean Lifestyle practitioner. Players have a wider variety of definitions and none of them seem to be the same, but they have meaning for those that use them to define what it is they do.

In conclusion, no matter what term is used, we should remain aware that for every person there is a different definition and the difference between them is dependent on those definitions agreeing. You may be a player, you may be a lifestyler but what’s important is how you define those words and yourself.

Introducing Kink into an Existing Relationship

When you discover that you might be kinky there are a lot of questions surrounding how to accept that. One of those may be trying to explore that kink with your existing partner. But how do you bring up the subject and how do you handle what they may say about the ideas you are entertaining? Learning you may have kinky desires is not uncommon but dealing with the emotional repercussions can be difficult. You should try to stay the course and work through your thoughts slowly so that you don’t overwhelm yourself or enter sub frenzy.

Once you deal with your own emotions and feelings surrounded your new found interests, it may be time to talk to your partner about them. This can be a very nerve wrecking time for you but worth the effort you are going to put into it, right? A lot of partners are willing to try new and adventurous new things if asked. Things like light bondage, spanking or Dominant/submissive role play generally are well received for sex play.  Other activities will require conversations with your partner.

Talk About It

Plan a moment where there won’t be any distraction and talk about your new feelings and desires. Be honest about it and open for positive and negative responses. If you need help, get a book or find a few websites online to help you with your discussion. Don’t give your partner ultimatums, they will need time to understand what you are asking from them and to find out themselves if they are interested. It’s a change in the relationship they may not have expected, but then it could also be very exciting for them. A good book to maybe have laying on the bedside table is When Someone You Love Is Kinky by Dossie Easton. It comes highly recommended on Amazon and is an appropriate read for anyone new and nervous.

Leave Subtle Clues

Like I mentioned above you can leave a book out for your partner to see, but other things work too. Magazines that talk about kinky sex play, bookmark pictures of ads that show someone tied up or blindfolded, start leaving links to sites online to educational kink resources like The Iron Gate or Leather and Roses. Tell your partner your fantasies that involve some kinky things and see how they react. The goal here is to feel things out and see how they may react before talking to them outright.

After the Big Talk

Once you get someone interested in trying something don’t let the ball drop. Experiment, play around, be adventurous. You may find that you both have interests to explore and fun things to do with each other that you never thought possible. I could bring your relationship closer together and engage a level of intimacy that was not possible before. You relationship dynamic could change for the better. Revel in the changes and enjoy yourself.

If Things Go South

Not every situation turns out for the better. Some people just can’t be kinky and don’t want to entertain your fantasies or relationship desires. You may have to make a choice to never entertain your desires or to find someone that will. The hard decisions in life may be ahead for you. For me personally, that meant divorce. I found what I was looking for and while I know I failed at marriage, I know that my decision was the right one. For you it could mean opening your relationship to make room for a Dominant while keeping the existing relationship. It could mean that you become an online submissive and get your emtional and mental desires fed that way.

Don’t give up. Thing have a tendancy to work themselves out.

Additional Reading

How to make your Vanilla Boyfriend Kink Friendly

If you have suggestions for someone trying to introduce kinky play into their relationship, please leave them in the comments.

photo by captain.orange

When Submissives Go Wild: Sub Frenzy

Submissive Frenzy is a state of mind that you may experience at any point in your submission. It is most commonly associated with new submissives, but it can also come about when more seasoned submissives end a relationship or even during a relationship. During submissive frenzy, you may feel a desperate need to have your desires fullfilled. Many of the activities in BDSM can be considered addictive and frenzy is much like a withdrawl stage. 

I imagine that many of you during your younger years found a unspecific need or desire for something that you could not name. It possibly caused confusion and frustration and perhaps outbursts. You couldn’t name what you were needing, but there was a need. Then when you found out about submission and BDSM there was a moment where that need was named. In that moment it is likely that you began the initial stages of submissive frenzy.

You wanted it, you needed it, you had to have it and anything you could do to experience what you were longing for for so long had to be met. Dangerously, this leads to lack of common sense and rational thought, desperation and risky behavior. It is quite common that first experiences done in this frenzy can have a negative or damaging effect on the novice submissive. Your judgement is blurred and the Dominant you are in contact with could seem too wonderful, you ‘fall in love’ faster and will do anything to experience what they are offering. 

During my initial sub frenzy I met with a Dominant at their house, at night, for the first time. He was nice at first, but then things lead to play and it went too far. He harmed me in a no go zone. I accepted his apology but just 2 weeks later, he did the same thing again. This time landing me in the ER to have my tailbone area drained of fluid and bruising.  This event straightened me up pretty fast and I become more cautious of who I saw and when. I would never wish this experience on anyone, however. Try not to feed the frenzy, no matter how desperate you may be.

As I noted earlier this state of frenzy can occur at any point in a submissive’s life and is not limited to the new submissive. In fact, it occurs sometimes even stronger in more seasoned submissives. They have a need that they recognize as perhaps to ‘have their edges taken off’, and they know exactly how that can be done through their own experience. The difference is that the older submissive can then ‘evaluate’ what part of their need is pressing upon them. Many then learn to go to a Dominant they are not bonded to and ask this person they trust (often as a good friend) to relieve their physical need (play). Many Dominant’s (experienced ones) will be willing to assist or aide their friend knowing that keeping the submissives edges down will allow that submissive to retain the majority of their rational functions while they are seeking their next mate. This action ‘reduces’ the submissives vulnerability. – Sub Frenzies, Mistress Steele

You may need and want to have your desires met with such fervor that you make the wrong decisions, but hopefully I have given you tools here on Submissive Guide to recognize what is safe and what is not. Frenzy is a natural response to the needs you are discovering. Allowing it to take over your other primary goals in life, however is dangerous and should be monitored. Find friends in the lifestyle and talk to them when you are feeling a surge in desire. Try to keep the monster at bay until you can find an outlet in a safe and rational way.

photo by tonypavone

Just Wait Till Your Father Gets Home: Telling Your Family

This post is from Norische. She allows anyone to post her articles anywhere they will do some good. I could not come up with a better way to say what she does in this article. Please enjoy and comment! I’d love to hear if you have told your family and how it went.

“So what are you, some kind of Satanist, or what?” This was one of the first things my sister said when she walked into my house.

It had been almost a year since I had seen my sister, she doesn’t live that far away but she has alwaysbeen a little on the judgmental side and so she and I have never truly been that close. She stopped by my house not long ago, no phone call, no warning, she just popped in for a visit…thankfully she didn’t have her two young sons with her. I am very open about my choices and my lifestyle, however I have never breached the subject with either of my sisters.

When you walk into my parlor/office the first thing you see is a wall of “toys”. Floggers, whips, paddles, and canes of all types, along with a large grouping of miscellaneous torture devices and implements of all types which decorate one half of the room. Of course chains, suspension devices, harnesses, and stirrups also embellish the archway to my dinning room. A leather-covered horse sitting right smack dab in the middle of the office also seems rather conspicuous as you walk into the room.

Normally I am very proud of my lifestyle choices and have no problem talking to anyone about the interesting and useful items that decorate my home. However, when my sister walked into my house I was literally at a loss for words.

To help you understand a little better, let me describe my sister a little to you. My sister and I are 16 months apart in age, I am the youngest. She is married and has been for several years; she was 24 yrs old before she went out on her first date. The first man she ever kissed is also the only man she has ever kissed, her husband. She lived with my parents until she moved in with her husband and his parents. She now has two young sons, ages 9 and 5. The have a nice little house in a nice little neighborhood and she is the picture of the perfect wife and strict mother. She is very active in her church and is a model of the average clean cut, straight-laced woman in her community.

When my sister first walked into my home I thought about how she would react, and then I worried if she would be offended and finally I wondered if she would even understand my lifestyle and the items in my home. Well to make it simple not only did she not understand the things that she saw but she also was completely clueless about what the BDSM lifestyle is truly about. At first she blushed and avoided looking at the floggers and whips, I could tell that she was very uncomfortable. I began to talk to her as I do with anyone; hoping that my openness would show her that there is nothing wrong or “sick” about the way I live my life. I also tried to help her understand the difference between the facts and myths about BDSM.

Myth:

All BDSM involves pain, or inflicting pain.

Fact:

There are several different types of Domination, some do indeed involve pain but others do not, it is a matter of choice in a relationship as to the addition or degree of pain included.

Myth:

BDSM is nothing more than kinky sex play.

Fact:

Sex may or may not be involved in a BDSM relationship; again it is a choice between those involved.

Myth:

BDSM is against God, or somehow Satanic in nature.

Fact:

There are several religions that use pain as a means of showing devotion, for centuries priest have beat themselves with sticks, whips and canes to show their sincerity to God. In many churches pleasure is viewed as the pathway to Hell, hence it has been summarized that pain must be the pathway to Heaven. From the Sun Dance of the Native Americans to the Flagellants of the Philippines pain has been viewed as a means of getting closer to God, not as a sin.

Myth:

BDSM is abuse.

Fact:

It is understood within the BDSM lifestyle that all activities must be consensual, even slavery. Before an individual can be a slave they must agree to the requirements, rules, and behaviors that are expected, before he or she is accepted as a slave. Once an arrangement is made, they seemingly loose the ability to say no, but this is untrue. Depending on the negotiations and the original contract the slave may be given certain rights or may wave those rights…but the fact is that the choice is theirs to accept the arrangements or to refuse. Safe, Sane and CONSENTUAL.

Myth:

BDSM is not normal.

Fact:

“Normal” is defined in many ways. Most people define normal as what is considered socially acceptable by the majority of the populous. If this is an accurate description then no one can be considered normal. Are Jews normal or are Christians normal? Are heterosexuals normal or are homosexuals normal? Are Native Americans the normal ones or is it the African Americans that are normal? Is it normal to be rich or poor? Is it normal to be married or divorced or single? Are you normal if you have a college degree or if you don’t have a high school diploma? Personally being “normal” is way over rated…I prefer to be unique, an individual.

After I spent my afternoon explaining my lifestyle to my sister, she began to understand a little about my life. However even with all the information I gave her, the last thing she stated to me was “Well if this is what you want then, I guess it is ok. I just want to let you know that I will not be bringing my kids over again.” With that she left and since then our communication has been limited to polite conversation. She hasn’t brought up our conversation again nor has she come back to visit.

I have never truly feared speaking to my family about my lifestyle nor have I ever avoided the subject or lied about my life…however, I have always known the reaction that I would encounter.

From my daughter I have had open acceptance, she was raised to accept all those that make the universe unique and wonderful. As she grew up she was slowly, and I stress the word slowly, exposed to alternative lifestyles. When she was 19 yrs old I felt she could understand enough about my lifestyle choices that I decided to get a slave. At first she didn’t know how to handle it, after they talked for a while she understood better and they became friends, and remained so even after his release. When we moved from Arkansas to Missouri I waited a couple of years and then got a submissive male as well as a male slave; my daughter began to understand the difference between the two. She honestly had no patience for the submissive but loved having my slave around. I never exposed my daughter to the S & M side of things but she was not ignorant either. It didn’t honestly shock me much when I found out she had bought a pony whip, the only thing that I wanted to know was she giving or receiving…I never asked, some things a mother just doesn’t need to know.

From my mother I had a confused understanding, she accepted the need for control and obedience but she could not understand the involvement of pain. My mother was a traditional Native American, our tribe is matriarchal…the women are in charge. I was raised by a strong woman, amongst strong women, and therefore the desire for control comes quite natural. She may have only been 4 foot 11 inches tall but it always seemed the whole world trembled at her command.

From my father I have been shunned, after my mother’s death my father remarried and the individual he married is a racist and a bigot. Since then his wife has seen to it that we no longer speak, nor am I allowed to go to my mother’s home.

From one sister I have been given a polite acknowledgement, simply put she is ok with my choices as long as they do not affect her or her family. Being Christian does not necessarily make one close-minded but it definitely narrows the realm of acceptance. Even though my sister goes to a more progressive church, she is still limited as to her interpretation of acceptable behaviors, and lifestyles.

From my other sister, perhaps some day I shall breach the subject, but not yet.

Do not fear what your family with think, or say, or even do. The only thing you should fear is ignorance. If someone does not accept your lifestyle that is ok, they have the right to their own opinions. If someone avoids associating with you because of choices that you have made, this too is a choice, it is their choice.

A slave I had in the past was faced with a horrible dilemma, lie to his family or admit his lifestyle choices and face the consequences. He refused to lie and when asked he explained his role in my house to his family. They threatened to have him committed, to take away his car (which they had paid for), to pull his college scholarship (which they had set up when he was a small child) and disown him. Rather than shame his family he asked to be released, I have not seen him since.

Pretending to be someone you are not is almost as difficult as trying to hide who you really are. Be proud of yourself, your choices, and your way of life. You do not need anyone’s approval, acceptance or understanding…it is a welcome gift that your family and friends can give to you but it is not necessary nor should it be expected.

As with everything this is my opinion, take what you will and leave the rest. If you wish to contact me, my email address is Norisch1@mchsi.com. If you wish to see more of my work you may find a complete listing of all my writings at…. http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Norisches_Quill/ in the files section.

Review: Different Loving

Today’s BDSM lifestyle practicioners thrive on real experiences to help them learn and grow within thier own personal choices. Many books written for the beginner are not so filled with real life stories as Different Loving. I chose to review this book here because I know I learned more about myself and what I wanted to be involved in than any basic ‘this is BDSM’ book I had read previously.

Different Loving by Gloria Brahme, William Brahme and Jon Jacobs is yet another book recommended for the BDSM beginner, but not one that I would recommend as a first book. Yes, it is a fantastic resource for those wanting to know what people within the scene really think about differnet activities and aspects of BDSM. Because the reading is more textbook in format with profiles and extensive interviews, it may not be as friendly to read as some other recommended reading.

When you flip through the book, the first think you may notice that unlike other beginning BDSM books, there are no pictures. This is an educational view on D/s pure and simple. Broken into seven sections to focus on different aspects of BDSM such as the relationship, SM, body modification, gender lines, fetishism and watersports. Each section has interviews and uses quotes intensively to discuss each idea or activity. You get to know real people and learn BDSM away from the fantasy of it.  Every section has a definition of the activities described and wonderful supporting information. Interviews follow with profiles of people participating in the activity or practice. You get a feel for what happens and some clever stories of scenes and people’s lives.

The history of the activities is researched and shared so that we can find a beginning point for human desire and sexual curiosity. I especially appreciate the beginning chapters on the history of D/s and BDSM from Victorian roots. The authors describe the methods, physchological bases and the history of each activity as you learn from several hundred interviews throughout the book that you are not alone in your explorations.

Buy Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission

The Roundtable: Open Marriages

Every so often I want to open up the blog for you to share and teach me on a topic that I don’t know a lot about. This is your chance to teach me and the other readers of this blog. I encourage you to comment, subscribe to the comments and keep coming back to add more insights.

From the Wikipedia page on Open Marriages:

Open marriage typically refers to a marriage in which the partners agree that each may engage in extramarital sexual relationships, without this being regarded as infidelity. There are many different styles of open marriage, with the partners having varying levels of input on their spouse’s activities. The impact of open marriage on relationships varies across couples. Some couples report high levels of marital satisfaction and have long-lasting open marriages. Other couples drop out of the open marriage lifestyle and return to sexual monogamy. These couples may continue to believe open marriage is a valid lifestyle, just not for them. Still other couples experience serious problems and claim open marriage contributed to their divorces. All couples in open marriages may therefore want to pay attention to their relationship maintenance behaviors.

Today I’d like to learn about open relationships and marriages. Here are the questions I have for those of you with experience in open-style relationships:

1. What rules are there in the relationship to prevent infidelity or violation of other limits? Why do the ground rules exist?
2. What style of open relationship do you have? Is it polyamory or one that we haven’t discussed yet? Is polyamory considered an open relationship?
3. How do you handle jealousy issues?
4. What sexual protection do you use with other partners?
5. The illegality of having another partner other than your wife/husband can cause issues, what do you have to keep the safety of all partners involved safe?
6. Have any of you seen the Handbook on Open Relationships found at Open Hands? What do you think of its content?

Do you have anything else you’ d like to share about open relationships that I might not have considered?

Why the Word ‘Training’ Confuses Novices

The word ‘training’ is a stumbling block for many novices and experienced submissives alike. The reason for this is that so many define training as the organized learning of behavior and activities in structured sessions or steps and that once complete, your training is complete. Let’s dispel that myth right now. Submissive and slave training is not set up this way. It is far far different.

When you enter into a relationship with a Dominant it is very likely that the word training will come into it in a fashion like this;

1. I will train you to serve me.
2. You will undergo slave training.
3. Have you had any training?

First let’s discuss what the word ‘training’ really means in a D/s dynamic setting. When you undergo training, what is really meant is that you are learning the mannerisms, behavior, attitude and activities that will please that Dominant. You never finish your training. Once you have learned the basics of what they wish from you, you can be sure that there will be advanced technique and finally anticipatory service. That’s right, training you do yourself to make sure you can provide for your Master’s needs before they appear to need them! There are so many levels of training, and that’s the beauty of it. You never stop learning.

If you leave one relationship and enter into another you should be prepared to unlearn some of the training you underwent with a previous Dominant. This is because not all Dominants like the same behaviors. Training is not universal, it is specialized and unique to each relationship. If a Dominant asks if you have been trained they really aren’t looking for a yes or no answer, they want specifics so that they know what they may want to use or to deprogram.

Once we learn with the word ‘training’ really means for us, then we can understand the context for which it is used in a BDSM situation. ~melly had a really good comment on another post here at Submissive Guide about training. Here is an excerpt. I recommend you go read the whole thing!

training isn’t final. it’s never-ending. and if someone tells me (upon contacting me as a domina, which i also am) “i’ve been trained” my first response is, “not to me, you haven’t.” i don’t want ANYONE to come into a relationship with ME thinking that what they learned in a previous relationship makes them more desirable, or that what they learned is even going to be preferable! and i certainly don’t want anyone thinking that prior “training” is required for them to be a perfectly good submissive or serviceperson.

What do you have to say about training? What is training to you?

The Value of Checklists

This week’s video tip is on the BDSM Checklist.

If you’ve just started out in BDSM and have asked a few questions, it is very likely that you have been directed to use a checklist to become familiar with what you may or may not like in play and roles and fetishes. If you haven’t seen a checklist before I’m going to include a list of links to a few at the end of this video.

A checklist can be very helpful for you when you are first starting out. You can learn what you might like to try and get answers to things you don’t know about. Some of the more detailed checklists can seem overwhelming but please realize that you don’t have to like everything. Pick and choose and be honest.

When you first fill out a checklist you may not know what some of the items are. Make sure you ask questions about them to someone you know that can answer them. Mark how interested you are with it and if you have any concerns. If you don’t know someone, feel free to send me an email at subguide@gmail.com or come to the site and ask via the contact page. I’d be happy to clarify some of the activities.

You may also have a checklist that requires that you put down your medical restrictions or anything that might be a trigger from past abuse or trauma. These are very good to know and share with a play partner so that they can be prepared if you happen to trigger but also to prevent that from happening. I have a trigger with belts, so they are essentially banned from play and even as time elapses, may never enter my play. Who knows. Learn your limits and be honest about them.

Your checklist should be kept in your training resume and updated as time goes on. I updated mine every few months or so when I was first starting out. Now that I’m in a committed relationship the checklist seems less important, but I still have it. It may be interesting to see how you develop and explore.

Do you know of a checklist that you like? Share it in the comments!