Mentoring, self-help and submissive exploration


In BDSM, a top or dominant is the partner in a BDSM relationship or in a BDSM scene who takes the active or controlling role over that of the bottom or submissive partner(s).

A person who submits control of a large percentage of his or her day-to-day life to a dominant partner, or who submits within a formal set of rules and rituals, is the slave, and the person who assumes power over the slave is the master or mistress.

Agreement on the exact meanings of the following terms is far from universal. For example, the function of tops and dominants is similar, and, in many cases, overlaps, but while the terms are used interchangeably in some discussions, there are differences between the two.


A Dom is a partner who takes the role of giver or controller in such acts as bondagedisciplinehumiliation, or servitude. Such acts are performed on a sub. Many Doms incorporate all aspects of being a Top but this is not universal.

While a Dom will take care of his sub, he will be giving orders or otherwise employ physical or psychological techniques of control. He might instruct the submissive to perform the act on him.

The relationship between a Dom and his sub may be very transitory or can be permanent. Some Doms are married to their sub. Long term relationships are known as D/s (Dominant/submissive) relationships.

A Dom might be a sadist but is unlikely to be a masochist.

Some partners switch roles from one encounter to the other, or even during a single encounter, depending on mood and preference. See Switch.


The top is the actor within the BDSM context who applies to the bottom partner(s) the techniques of a sexual, sensual, and psychological activity: flogging, bondage, servitude, or humiliation. The dominant controls the BDSM scene or relationship, exercising authority over the submissive partner(s). A dominant who exercises control over a large percentage of a submissive’s day-to-day life, or within a formal framework of rules and rituals, is a master or mistress.

The functions of top and dominant often intersect, where the top is the dominant, but this is not always the case. Someone who is “topping” may be doing so at the request, or even the direction, of a bottom partner; in this case, the bottom is the dominant partner. A top who acts within this kind of relationship dynamic is sometimes called a service top. A bottom who has dominance over the activities or the relationship is said to be topping from the bottom, even though he or she is really exercising dominance from the bottom. Another possibility is that the top and bottom are acting at the direction of a third, directing person.

Within communities of lifestyle BDSM devotees, there exists a widespread prejudice against both those who act as service tops and those who top from the bottom. Both are considered by many to be failing to achieve a proper BDSM relationship dynamic, especially, if the partners are purported to be trying to achieve a dominant-top/submissive-bottom relationship.

While it is possible that a dominant would not act as a top and thus have no expression of his or her control through kink- or fetish-based activities, it may be argued that such a relationship, lacking any erotic aspect to the exercise of control, would fall outside of the BDSM context.

Tops or dominants who also assume a bottom or submissive role are referred to as switches.

The only prevalence data on roles currently available is anecdotal and not statistically significant.

Master or Mistress

Master or “Mistress” is one of the honorifics some people use to describe the dominant partner or “owner” in a Master/slave relationship. Because it is an honorific of the dominant form it is usual for it to be written with a capital letter.

It might also be used by the submissive partner as an honorific term in a D/s relationship. This can cause confusion when trying to understand BDSM terminology as both “Master” or “Mistress” and “slave” might be used – as terms of endearment – even though neither considers himself to be owned nor owner.

Some people enjoy the connotations of servitude or submission in calling their partner “Master”, or being called “Master”. To others the ritual of such a formal mode of address may be appealing. It may also be useful in building roles in which one partner or the other may indulge in sadistic or masochistic desires, although people living as Master and slave are not necessarily sadomasochistic.

Usage of “Master” or “Mistress” in most BDSM environments does not imply any specific expertise, abilities, or formal training. To successfully maintain a Master or Mistress/slave relationship takes abilities and skills beyond or apart from normal relationship skills.

The term “Master” can be gender-independent but is mostly used only in reference to males. There is otherwise no male-specific equivalent. The female equivalent is “Mistress” or possibly dominatrix.

Although the Master is understood to have authority over the slave in some sense, this never extends to one’s legal rights and thus there must always be an implicit element of consent involved.

Power and Safewords

The control of the dominant over a partner is seldom absolute and often operates within a set of defined limits.

One such limit is a safeword, a signal that a submissive uses to communicate with his or her dominant about the scene while it’s in progress. Safewords can communicate that a limit is being neared (i.e. “yellow”) or that a limit has been reached (i.e. “red”). Safewords are often negotiated before the scene (although saying “safeword” is usually recognized as a safeword). In some cases, safewords are used to completely stop the scene. Accepting more risk, a submissive may agree to forgo a safeword, consenting to edgeplay, an extreme form of submission.


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12 responses to “Dominant”

  1. Samantha Heidt

    Hi my name is Samantha and I found your site while looking for rules of a dom/sub life. I am not either but I feel that maybe I am . It is weird my husband always want me to do as I’m told. He is very domineering. If I dont submit he punishes me. He says I always have to have things my way, but it never happens. What happens is I dont do what I want because how he punishes me if I do. I know that this isnt the same as what you and your dom do but in a way itis. Maybei should live the sublife to please him so it is easer on me and him. I think. He wants to be the dom and I just want to be married and a plain life. Maybe if I do this he will change. My life is very hard fright now.. I just dont know what else to do. Im not asking for your sympathy Im lost and not sure if this is the right path to take. It really doesnt matter to me because well it just doesnt. Thank you for taking time to read this. Blessings

  2. Sarah

    Samantha, a dom/sub relationship cannot work if both parties are not 100% on board with it. You should never, ever ever do anything you don’t want to do. The way you describe the dynamic of your relationship is not healthy; it sounds as though your husband is trying to control you with guilt and manipulation to live your life the way he wants, with no consideration to you. At the very least I’d suggest counselling. Of course, I’m not in your shoes, but I think it never hurts to consult a professional when it comes to any aspect of your health, including mental health. If, once you’re in a more peaceful place emotionally, you still want to experiment with submission have at! I’m an avowed sub myself and I love it, but I experimented with it for my own pleasure, not to please someone else (then I discovere pleasing others is a lot of fun but I do it, ultimately, for myself). Good luck, love!

  3. LeChelle

    Thank you for the great info!! I guess I have always been into being a submissive but had a lot of problems with trust! I recently married my bf of five years and opened up to him about my sub needs I was scared at first thinking he would find me completely bonkers but it was the opposite! He is not used to the lifestyle of being master do you have any tips for us thanks

  4. Katherine

    I am currently a sub in a Dom/sub relationship that has been ongoing for the last seven months. I found your site to be very helpful in improving my abilities as a sub for my Master and have been able to please him more efficiently since visiting here. Thank you for the additional information and keep up the fantastic work!

  5. Scott

    Thank you for this Blog. I was aware of most f your data and terms.

  6. Crow

    Well here goes, me and my wife have been together for 8 years and have been married for 2 . She has hinted around at the Dom/sub lifestyle and finally has come out and told me that she believes I would be perfect for. I’ve grown up a little shelter but I’ve know Ide enjoy this role. I just need some guidance so to speak in this role. If you can help me find what IM looking for it would be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance.

  7. dana

    Hi, for a long time I have always loved and enjoy the actions of a sub thus not knowing the correct terminology and lifestyle behind it….hope that makes sense ….I’ve been w quite a few men and have tried to initiate a sub action, if u will , and was looked at kind of weird….currently I’m married however having an affair w someone that enjoys what I like however this is new to rhe both of us, I love it and would live some mentoring and or guidance …..Thank you for your blog

  8. unknown

    I’ve recently been exploring a sub/dom relationship. For many years I have felt this is the best relationship to have. I’ve been more attracted to submissive men my entire life. I’ve finally come in contact with one, that’s wiling to submit to me but moreso have a wonderful, trusting & respectful relationship, but I think I’ve ran him away. As an African American female, my approach can be very uncomfortable but to my (hopefully sub), it lately has been extremely horrifiy and humiliating to him. I don’t think he can handle it. I’m deeply craving this man. He hasn’t talk to me in a few days which I can accept. It will allow him to think things through fully. He’s aware that once I’ve owned him everything will be different and I think he may be afraid of that. Overall, I hope he returns.

  9. Fletch

    I’m interested in exploring a D/S relationship having experienced it in a recent relationship, although unfortunately, that relationship failed because we were in different Countries.
    I live in the South East of the UK and would be interested in a Sub relationship, but do not know how to seek this out?
    Can anyone here assist?

  10. Julia

    I just moved in with my bf when I was living by myself with my 3 sons he was kinda like a Dom but I wanted more now we live together and hes not being a Dom at all im very disrespectful to him to get him to punish me but he wont budge what should I do

  11. sabrina

    Hi I’m a new sub and about to start soon. Your words really helped me because I was scared at first but now I’m not well not that much. Cause I know I can trust him

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