Browse: Home / Blog

Submissive Chat Night – Free Chat

By lunaKM on September 2, 2010

It’s time again for another chat night here at Submissive Guide. I’d welcome everyone to come on in Tuesday 9/7  for a bit of conversation. The topic is going to be free chat. Anything and everything can be discussed. Please come with questions or a curiosity about Dominant/submissive relationships.

Info

When: 9/7/10 8 PM CST – 9:30 PM CST (Not in CST? Find out the time where you are!)

Where: Chat room on the website, or use an IRC Client

Topic: Free chat

HOW TO GET TO THE CHAT ROOM

The chat room is attached to this site under the link at the top, or you can click this link here.  It will ask for your nickname and then automatically connect you to the chat room. It is open all the time, so if you want to meet some people, hang out in there. I try to be there when I’m at my computer too.

If you use an IRC desktop client you can connect to the server directly. Here is the information you need to find the room:

Server: irc.mibbit.com
Port: 6667
Channel: #submissive-guide

Questions? Let me know. Otherwise I hope to see a lot of you there on Tuesday!

Posted in | Tagged , , , , | 2 Responses

Submitting to Pain

By nan {SL} on September 1, 2010

BDSM immediately conjures up images of a whip-wielding Dominatrix punishing some poor submissive who is screaming in pain. As delightful as that image is, not everyone who is a bottom or submissive is in this lifestyle to experience pain. It must be daunting for the newbie who does not enjoy pain to come to a munch or party and be faced with the question “What are you into?” The newbie who likes sensual play or enjoys service may feel that s/he is not quite living up to the expectations of the lifestyle.

Dom/mes and tops who enjoy pain have an equally difficult time. I have met several Dom/mes who enjoy a round of pain inflicted by their trained subs/ bottoms. Others in the community may look askance on this seemingly unDomlike behaviour. But if the Dom/me is getting what S/He wants, through obedience, then what could be more Domlike? Pain can be an enjoyable sensation, and why should a Dom/me not be able to experience what S/He wishes?

But what if you are a submissive or bottom who ends up with a Dom/me who is more Sadistic than you are Masochistic? My Dom always seems to me to be one step ahead of me in the S/m curve. The more pain that I learn to endure, the more pain He seems to be able to inflict. In a way this is a good thing, as we continue to travel a mutually enjoyable path. I have learned some methods to deal with pain in order to maintain and hopefully increase my Dom’s pleasure in a scene. My Dom is quick to tell me that as long as I am giving Him all I have, then it doesn’t matter how much pain I handle. However it is a matter of pride for me to handle most of what He gives me, and to keep learning to handle more. I never forget my colours though, and I am willing to call yellow if the pain exceeds what I can endure. After all, if the toy (that’s me) breaks during a scene, then it will affect future scenes, and that is not in the best interest of either of us.

The first method I use to endure pain is training in eroticizing pain. This is training my Master has done with me for the five years and more that we have been together. When we are enjoying sensual play, my Master will mix in some pain – clitoral stimulation at the same time as pinching nipples, spanks interspersed with orgasms, basically anything sexual and erotic to mix in the sensual response with the response to pain. As long as we are doing sensual play, He makes sure that the pain aspect is not too much for me to handle. Thus I learn to associate pain with pleasure. A Dom/me who tries this must be sure not to use too much pain, and not to increase the pain too fast. S/He must remember to give enough stimulation to override the pain. Eroticizing pain is based on two basic theories: the brain will always choose pleasure over pain, and basic Pavlovian conditioning of association. I do remember reading in a blog where one sub stated that she was never able to eroticize pain, but if a Dom/me works slowly and carefully and doesn’t push limits, it does seem to work for many.

There are other ways to deal with the pain during a scene. I am often able to work the pain through my body. As the pain increases, I will stomp a heel in reaction. Somehow moving this energy through my body and out seems to decrease or disperse the pain. One book (unfortunately I can’t find the quote currently) said that under no circumstances is the sub/slave to use this method as it takes away the pain so that the Dom/me is not getting a full reaction. Obviously I disagree with this opinion. I am still enduring the pain, and my Dom is getting satisfaction from my reaction. Occasionally however, if my Dom feels particularly Nasty, He will tie my leg so that I am not able to stomp. Usually that occurs if I have been flaunting the fact that I can take more pain than He has given me.

You can also use a form of biofeedback to try to limit the pain. When I have a migraine I use this method to visualize the migraine inside a box, so that it doesn’t spread and become bigger. You can also visualize the pain/ strike zone as a colour, or heat, or light in order to isolate and limit the pain. I must admit that I have not had much success in biofeedback during a scene. I tend to be too excited or too caught up in the scene to take that much control of my brain. Perhaps a bottom would have more success in this than a submissive who is trained to hand over all control to the Dom/me.

During a scene, I also have to trust my Dom to help me manage the pain He inflicts. A warm-up is a necessity; although it is something we occasionally forget when it has been too long between play sessions and we are too eager to begin. Without a warm-up, my favourite single tail can quickly reduce me to tears. Once my Dom notices, or I call His attention to it, He pulls back the intensity until it feels like a stingy massage, so that I can start again to work up to handle the pain He wishes to dish out. If you start with a warm-up, your skin will get used to the pain in stages, and you will be able to handle much more intensity as the night goes on. My Dom often ends a scene with a full baseball swing of a flogger at my ass. If He started the night with this, I would end up ‘done’ before we even start. With proper warm-up and slowly increasing intensity throughout the play session, I will greet the baseball swing with a laugh and a wiggle as if it was just a feather touch – albeit one that shifted my whole body a foot to take it!

Even with a careful warm-up, you will find that your reaction to pain may well vary depending on the day you’ve had, your hormones, or even the temperature in the room. In the past few months, I have found that I have not been able to handle the amount of pain I used to handle “easily”. The play rooms have been warmer each time, and I have been through an emotional time. Hormonal changes occur, and your body may be more or less sensitive than the last time you played. It is important to be open with Your Dom/me (whether or not you are 24/7) and let Him or Her know what is going on in your life and with your body. And if you can’t handle the same pain, no worries, as long as you are giving what you can you will still make your Dom/me proud.

I am proud of my ability to handle the pain my Master wishes to dish out. I admit to being on the masochistic side, as it was easy for me to eroticize pain. Indeed, it is a part of our intimate lives that I particularly enjoy from Him. However, with all that, I am quite firm in the belief that I am not a ‘pain slut’. In a group play session, I found that I was not willing or able to submit to pain inflicted on me by Dom/mes other than my own. I give that masochistic part of me to my Master alone, as part of my service to Him.

Do you have methods of dealing with the pain inflicted in a play session? How have you eroticized pain? Please send any hints or suggestions to the comments below!

Posted in , | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a response

Review: Domestic Discipline

By lunaKM on August 30, 2010

This month’s book review is about a different form of relationship structure than the traditional D/s that you read about on practically every site and book you browse. Domestic Discipline by Jules Markham is about creating harmony in your relationship through the use of consensual discipline. The basic form of discipline preferred by Domestic Discipline (DD) practitioners is spanking but has also been known to use enemas as part of the program.

In the first few chapters you will get an introduction to DD as well as what makes it different from BDSM, begin to learn about emotional cycles and what the psychological process of DD does to a relationship when used correctly. I really enjoyed learning how our emotional cycles generate the positive and negative behaviors that we see in each other and ourselves. I also thought that DD has a good premise for how spanking and discipline helps manage the emotional cycle and promotes longer positive behaviors in the cycle and less negative ones.

With every Domestic Discipline relationship there is consensual spanking for two reasons. There is punishment spanking and therapeutic spanking. The former is for correcting negative behavior and infractions or rule breaking. Therapeutic spanking can help the passive partner to move past a negative side of their emotional cycle faster and can help with working through emotions of any type.

The middle of the book covers spanking and non-spanking punishment. It talks about discipline being broken down into 4 phases and depending on the severity of the behavior will carry a 1,2, 3 or 4 phase punishment. In between each phase is a corner time imposed to rest the skin to keep it sensitive and not go numb (many submissives may know what leatherbutt is… the breaks in punishment help prevent that) but also for the passive partner to reflect on the discipline being received.

Enemas are also covered pretty well as an addition or substitute for discipline, especially if the passive partner gets sexually excited by spanking. After all, discipline in a DD relationship isn’t supposed to be pleasurable.

I’d recommend this book for anyone interested in a relationship where one person is in charge and the other is passive but don’t want all the trappings of BDSM and kinky behaviors expressed elsewhere. Domestic discipline when done correctly can be very rewarding and bring that harmony to your relationship that you may be looking for.

Product Details

  • lunaKM’s Rating: 8/10
  • Paperback: 184 pages
  • Publisher: Adlibbed Ltd (May 22, 2007)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 189731244X
  • ISBN-13: 978-1897312445
  • Product Dimensions: 8.4 x 5.4 x 0.5 inches
  • Buy Domestic Discipline Now!

Posted in | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 1 Response

Using Contracts in D/s Relationships

By lunaKM on August 27, 2010

Contracts are a sticky subject in discussions. I’ve briefly covered it before in this article. The opinions are all over the place as far as their value or use as a tool for relationships. I can understand why they are a common thread in forums all over the place.

A contract is a physical document outlining the D/s relationship. At the bottom of this post I’ll share an example contract that you can use to customize your own. A contract is not a legally binding document, but more of an agreement between two consenting individuals. Some are very formal and have multiple pages, others are as brief as a few paragraphs. A D/s contract is a lot like a pre-nuptial agreement.

The Arguments

One side of the argument says that a contract helps make the expectations for each party clear cut, the time frame it is agreed upon is understood and it can be renewed and modified to fit the couple as they grow together. The contract can be used to remind each other of the importance your new relationship has and a way to reconnect with the agreed upon terms.

The other side of the argument says that contracts are worthless and the two individuals involved need to be serious about the relationship without the need of a contract. If the relationship is failing a contract is just not going to resurrect it. This side also says that if the contract is discovered by the authorities you can be charged with prostitution and solicitation or worse. It has happened before, just check the news archives.

General Outline

  1. Petition
  2. Names and Roles of Parties
  3. Term of Service
  4. Rules, Duties, and Goals
  5. Limits
  6. Termination Requirements
  7. Signature of all Parties

An Example Contract

(This D/s contract, can be altered to suit one’s needs both virtual and realtime situations. It is not a legal binding document but adds to the strength of one’s relationship. It is written in the male Dominant/female submissive role, but can be easily changed.)

I, [submissive], with a free mind and an open heart; do request of [Dominant], that he accept the submission of my will unto him and to take me into his care and guidance, that we may grow together in love, trust, and mutual respect. The satisfaction of his wants, desires, and whims are consistent with my desire as a submissive to be found pleasing to him. To that end, I offer him the use of my time, talents, and abilities.

Further, I ask, in sincere humility, that as my Master, he accept the keeping of my body for the fulfillment and enhancement of our sexual, spiritual, emotional, and intellectual needs. To achieve this, he may have unfettered use of my body any time, any place, in front of anyone; to keep or give away, as he will determine.

I ask that he guide me in any sexual, sensual, or scene-related behavior, both together with, and separate from him, in such a way as to further my growth as a person.

I request of [Dominant], as my Master, that he use the power in his role; to mold and shape me; assisting me to grow in strength, character, confidence, and being, and that he continue to help me develop my artistic and intellectual abilities.

In return, I agree:

  • To obey his commands to the best of my ability.
  • To strive to overcome feelings of guilt or shame, and all inhibitions that interfere with my capability to serve him and limit my growth as his submissive.
  • To maintain honest and open communications with him.
  • To reveal my thoughts, feelings, and desires without hesitation or embarrassment.
  • To inform him of my wants and perceived needs, recognizing that he is the sole judge of whether or how these shall be satisfied.
  • To strive toward maintenance of a positive self-image and development of realistic expectationsand goals.
  • To work with him to become a happy and self-fulfilled individual.
  • To work against negative aspects of my ego and my insecurities that would interfere with advancement of these aims.

My surrender as a submissive is done with the knowledge that nothing asked of me will demean me as a person, and will in no way diminish my own responsibilites toward making use of my potential.

This I, [submissive] do entreat, with lucidity and the realization of what this means, both stated and implied, in the conviction that this offer will be understood in the spirit of faith, caring, esteem, and devotion in which it is given.

Should either of us find that our aspirations are not being well served by this agreement, find this commitment too burdensome, or for any other reason wish to cancel, either may do so by verbal notification to the other, in keeping with the consensual nature of the agreement. We both understand that cancellation means a cessation of the control stated and implied within this agreement, not a termination of our relationship as friends and lovers. Upon cancellation, each of us agrees to offer to the other their reasons and assess our new needs and situation openingly and lovingly.

This agreement shall serve as the basis for an extension of our relationship, committed to in the spirit of loving and consensual Dominance and submission with the intention of furthering self-awareness and exploration, promoting health andhappiness, and improving both our lives.

This contract has a life of ___ (days/weeks/months/years). At it’s expiration a new contract may be created and signed.

I offer my consent to submission to [Dominant],under the terms stated above on this the _____ day of ____________ in the year _____.
______________________________
signature of submissive
I offer my acceptance of submission by ____________, under the terms stated above on this the _____ day of ____________ in the year _____.
______________________________
Signature of Dominant

Other Resources Online

Sample Consensual Contract

Using Contracts to Negotiate a Relationship

Posted in | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 1 Response

Novice Q&A – August Edition

By lunaKM on August 25, 2010

Q: I am a relatively new submissive.  I have had two previous D/s relationships.  One was ended suddenly – just a week or so after being given a collar, he suddenly disappeared from my life with no explanation.  I have since realised that the collar came without any understandings or pre-requisites should have been a warning sign!  With my latter Sir, it was a timing issue for both of us – an international contract for him, major surgery for me.

I am now seeking a new Sir/Master.  I am trying to be careful and cautious but not sure how to do so.  I have been asked for my ‘expectations from a D/s relationship and what it would mean to me’ as well as list of expectations from my next Dom!  Without a previous Dom, how do i answer this!  And he is asking me to outline my expectations from a D/s relationship, but I haven’t got a clue!   Any advice you can offer?

A:  It can be very overwhelming to try and figure out what to expect from a relationship that you’ve never had. What made you seek a Dominant to begin with? You can learn a lot about what you expect by understanding that drive to be in D/s to begin with. Learn about yourself and those desires.

You  should start by figuring out what your wants and needs are in any relationship. Your expectations will develop out of knowing what you need from someone else in a relationship. I’d recommend you read the series here on Submissive Guide and pinpoint those things first.

Once you know what you need, you can start understanding what you expect from a Dom. For example, if one of your needs is structure, you can say that you expect a Dominant to establish an order to things. This could mean a routine or specific ways things are required to be done.

Figuring these things out is never an easy process but it really can make finding a mate so much easier because you have learned what you need from someone else and how you hope a relationship will be like.

Q:I have been interested in having a D/s relationship for as long as Ihave been sexually active. Up until now, that has only been explored in small quantities and I enjoyed it so much it solidified my desires to seek out a Master. However, I am still relatively young (twenty years-old) and suddenly the Master of my dreams has fallen into my lap. I thought that having a total power exchange relationship would be a seamless transition for me, but there keep being internal issues which I did not anticipate at all. I suppose I was expecting to have to look for years before I found someone like Him. He is ten years older than I am and much more experienced. Some of the problems I am experiencing are feeling panic and anxiety when He requests something I’m just not comfortable with yet, knowing where the line is between letting Him know that I’m just not ready to take a certain step without being outright disobedient, and knowing how to balance focusing on His desires/wants and knowing that my needs will still be taken care of. We haven’t made any formal commitment and the relationship is still relatively new but it feels like what I know that I want intellectually is in direct opposition with what my instincts are. I’m wondering if I should be concerned if if the transition is usually this difficult. I’m someone who chooses to be submissive, I’m not submissive because I have to be. I just worry that that means I’m not cut out for it.

A (By @SehAnru): Your situation is very common especially when first getting involved in any D/s relationship regardless of how old you are. The first thing that you need to do is take a deep breath and try to calm the anxiety welling up inside.

It is our submissive nature to want to give everything, including trust, in order to not lose what has been found (A Master), but then the ego steps in and creates all kinds of chaos. That is where the doubt comes in. The best way to resolve these issues is communication. You need to talk to your Master about either a manner of doing so (Blog, email, letter etc.), or a time that you can speak freely (7pm nightly after dinner, 6am before breakfast etc.), and make sure that it is clear that this time is for you to be able to speak freely without consequence. Now, don’t mistake this to mean that you can be out of control and disrespectful as that would not be a good idea.

As far as being uncomfortable in the moment, speak up, but do it respectfully. This is the reason why there are safe words, why there are contracts that are specific on what you are and are not willing to do (At that moment. Allow for growth). One suggestion I can make in which I have personally used when put in an uncomfortable situation is to say,” Sir(Master, MiLord, or whatever title has been agreed upon.)With all due respect, may I please take a moment to gather myself as I am feeling uneasy in this situation and need a moment so that I may be able to communicate why this is so.” This allows you to let him know that you are uncomfortable in a respectful manner.

Transition or change is never easy especially when you come to realize how in-depth this kind of change can be. It is truly mind, body, and spirit. Give yourself time to understand what is being asked of you. Ask questions, write out your feelings, and again, be honest with yourself concerning your limitations. Are they for selfish reasons, or are they genuine concerns? What this comes down to, again, is trust which is earned and takes time.

Everyone is different and there is no shame in realizing that you may not be compatible with someone. But when it does work, it’s magic. So stop, think, and communicate.

Ask me a question!

Do you have a question you'd like me to answer? This submission is anonymous. No question is too silly or too personal.

Posted in | Tagged , , , , , , , , | Leave a response

The Female of the Species

By thisgirl on August 23, 2010

I am bi-sexual, and I have been ever since I can remember.

When I was young I obviously didn’t know the way I felt were the first  signs of bi-curiosity because the roots of things are never clear back at the time and only make sense much later on!

My first experiences

Not long after I had met my ex Dom he had asked what my feelings towards playing with other girls were, since (funnily enough) the idea of two girls playing with each other floated his boat. Fortunately for me I had always been curious but hadn’t acted on my feelings beforehand. Until about 10 years ago I was very sheltered and hadn’t had very many partners or anything like that. I didn’t lose my virginity till I was 20 and just the thought of acting on what I thought were unusual feelings scared me a little but of course totally turned me on!

Around the time I discovered what BDSM was (via chat rooms and the Internet) I had been talking to a Dom-sub couple of about my age. I had seen pictures of the female half of the couple and was very attracted to her. I’d been talking to them a year or so and had moved in with my ex Dom when he suggested we invite them up to go to a fetish club with us and then see what happens after that. I’m not sure I can really explain how nervous I was about the thought of meeting this woman that I had fantasised about for so many months.  Anyway, they came.

We took them to the local fetish club as planned, and she was wearing a beautiful white corset, pink skirt and white shoes. This is how much I fancied her that I can remember more or less every detail as though she was standing here. Though I don’t remember much about me! The resident bondage expert insisted on tying us together, which in my head just felt totally bizarre since I hadn’t even kissed her yet, and there she was…pressed right up against me. We had loads of those sort of little moments where…someone needs to make the first move but is maybe slightly embarrassed…or unsure…well you know those moments before the first kiss. So we didn’t kiss at the club as it turned out. But back later at the flat the play continued and I finally got to kiss her. It was amazing, so gentle and so perfect and worth waiting for and was definitely me convinced that I was bi-sexual.

We didn’t have sex. Not the first time, and I’m glad about that since I think ‘doing it’ on the first meeting is wrong. I want to know that I am into the person enough to want it, and that they’re into me!

I had quite a few other experiences after that, and for a good while whenever I did stuff with girls it was just ‘playful exploration’ rather than D/s. However gradually I experienced D/s with women too.

Serving Dominant Women

Whilst I would sometimes put myself under the ‘switch heading’, I’ve always been more submissive than dominant, I’m just wired that way and, after realising i liked playing with women I really wanted to know what it was like to serve one.

My first chance came when one of the Mistresses that I knew invited me to her place. She had asked specifically that I wear a dress and nice lingerie, stockings and heels. I went over there totally nervous!

When i got there she wasn’t there but had left me a note asking me to undress down to just my lingerie and kneel in the hall waiting for her. She’d also left me a blindfold which she’d wanted me to put on.  I am not really sure how long i was kneeling for her with her watching, until she came up to me and bent down and caressed me, kissed me, and led me into the living room. Since I couldn’t see, everything felt enhanced and extremely magnified and erotic.

She kept me blindfolded most of the time, teasing me with clamps and bondage and putting me over her whipping bench and hitting me. After beating me into submission, she lead me over to the sofa and had me wait for her. She came back wearing her strap-on and taught me how to pleasure her. It was very tender, loving and romantic.

It totally met up with the fantasy of how I thought being submissive to a woman would be.

Though women can be strict and sadistic as well! Maybe this is because they know each others’ bodies better, they know where everything is and how hurting it or teasing it will feel.

This girl has had some amazing experiences at the hands of other women, but not so much recently since I’ve ended up with Grimly they seem not to want to come close! Also, his skills in dominating me would be hard to beat. There are some women out there that i think could match him in his skills as a Dom but they are mostly likely to be way out of my league!

Me as a dominant

Since I’ve been with Grimly I’ve not had very many opportunities to be dominant with other people since I enjoy what I do as his submissive way too much! However, I have had the chances here and there.

When I am in control of someone else I try and be like that mistress was with me. Or i’d like to think I am. To me D/s with another woman should be gentle and romantic but with the ability to transform into the strict and severe.

It’s very important to me know that any sub I play with feels safe and cared for. But at the same time, I want them to feel on the very edge and feel as though their fantasies are met.

The problem is, whenever I dominate someone (on a regular basis anyway) I always get too attached – that’s the danger – of falling in love, and things getting complicated. So I really would only recommend involving other girls in a very very stable relationship .

How this fits with being submissive to a man?

Some Doms do have the fantasy of their submissive being involved with other women, regardless of whether it’s in a sub or domme role.

I have come across Doms who have asked me to get involved with their sub when I’ve known full well that the sub in question has not been really keen on it and still has hurdles to cross in feeling comfortable with the idea. Therefore, I do not have much time for Doms that insist on forced bi or on women who are trying to get over their limit of ‘playing with women’.

Maybe its just me but I have this need to feel wanted and desired. I have that with Grimly , but if i play with others I want them to make me feel like that too.  Not because it is a requirement of their man that they do it.

I dont ever want to feel I’m’ involved in someone being forced into a bdsm act that they are not entirely comfortable with and to me forced bi is exactly that. You are either bi sexual (or maybe curious) or you’re not. Whilst I can see someone wanting to do it to please their man, I think what often gets missed is the feelings of the third person you are asking to get involved.

I suppose all I’m saying is that playing with other girls can be great, but it works the best when everyone wants it to happen. Not just 2 out of the 3. I think there needs to be attraction too, in whatever form it takes whether its physical or something else or that added x factor. For me I enjoy it the most when I play with someone who I consider a friend and who I am comfortable with, so I think my advice for anyone wanting to explore this is that its best to find a good friend first and see where it goes if an attraction develops just like any other relationship.

photo by historic.brussels

Posted in , | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 8 Responses

Friday Favorites from Submissive Viewpoints

By lunaKM on August 20, 2010

Every so often I find some wonderful blog posts that speak to the varying differences submissives have. Today I want to showcase a few of the more recent selections with you. Please go read the post and comment; letting them know where you came from! You might make a new submissive connection.

If you would like to be considered for a future list, please send me an email with a link to your blog (subguide@gmail.com) so that I can get it added to my reader and keep up with all that you have to say.

Posted in | Tagged , , , | Leave a response

The Popularity of BDSM

By lunaKM on August 18, 2010

From the Submissive Guide Newsletter 2/6/10
(Caveat: I am not an expert historian of BDSM. What I have learned I picked up along the way. I can’t say with certainty what is true and what is false. I have made every effort to let you know if I’m uncertain of the validity of a certain claim.)
If your only view of BDSM is the online community then you could believe that BDSM and being kinky is a huge playground and that a lot of people participate in it openly. And you’d be wrong. While a a good portion of the US population admits they are kinky (10% according to NCSF) most of those are not going to participate in a BDSM community or step further than silk blindfolds and light bondage.
Today’s community is filled to the brim with people who only play at it online or those not serious enough about it to take it further than their fantasies. But that’s today. What was BDSM like in the past?

BDSM OF YESTERDAY

If you wanted to get into BDSM years ago you had to know someone already in the community. Groups were very hidden, mostly underground, and very selective about who they let into their group. They did this to protect themselves from riddicule and infiltration by police and right wing religious groups. In fact the more open nature of the groups is a new thing.
Most of the BDSM being played out then was done behind closed doors. It was secret and it was never talked about. Until 1997 the Board for Psychiatric Disorders considered sadomasochism as an illness.

TODAY’S BDSM

Today BDSM is accurately and falsely represented in the media which no doubt causes some confusion and bad interpretation of what we do behind closed doors. No matter where you turn there are ‘bondage’ fashions on the runway, light kinky play items in the sex stores and flirty jokes at bachelor(ette) parties.
Munch groups are more open with their presence online and it is no longer invitation only. I’ve seen the purpose of these groups shift from teaching technical skills to teaching acceptance.
Online BDSM has flourished and you can find all sorts of research material, forums and discussion groups and inspirational photography. If you look hard. Much of what is out there has developed a fantasy-like feel to it. It contains dangerously false details on technique or outright lies about the history of the BDSM scene.
The fantasy is alive and well online. Real time practitioners have to wade through the muck to find the information that will fit their needs. The good thing is that you can find excellent information if you know where to look.

IMPACT OF THE INTERNET

I’ve mentioned it above just a bit but the internet has flooded the scene with good and bad information. It not only provides a breeding ground for false information and fantasy-life but it also brings more novices into the scene.
These novices can safely explore their feelings and curiosities online. From reading personal blogs, checking out reference sites, reading forums and discussion boards and frequenting chat rooms.
You can learn as much as you want from the comfort of your own home and feel relatively safe that your secret desires are just that… secret.

THE FUTURE OF BDSM

There is no telling what the future holds for acceptance of BDSM or the groups that exist all over the world. What is possible is more available books, products and learning materials for those wanting to explore kinky play and relationships.

Thoughts to Ponder

  1. What do you know about the history of BDSM?
  2. How did you first find out about BDSM?
  3. What impact has the internet had on your exposure to BDSM?
  4. Where do you think BDSM acceptance will be in the future?
[tip]
Links to Related Essays
[/tip]

Posted in , | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 1 Response

Green Recipes for Home and Health

By SehAnru on August 17, 2010

These days there are so many chemicals out on the market that we don’t really know what kind of damage they can do to our bodies most importantly, as well as our clothes, furniture and so on. One of the biggest causes of health problems is allergic reactions to these chemicals. It’s time to get back to nature and here is a little help to get started. Recipes were gathered from various resources on the internet and personal collection.

Shopping List for Natural Cleaning Supplies:

  • Baking Soda, Bicarbonate of Soda, Sodium Bicarbonate
  • Beeswax – Turns formulas into pastes for shining and waxing.
  • Bon Ami Cleaning Powder – contains only soap and ground feldspar and is safe for your home.
  • Borax, Sodium Bromate – Loosens dirt and stains while removing odors.
  • Cedar Chips
  • Chalk
  • Clay Powder – Very mild abrasive. Good to use with essential oils for powdered cleaning formulas.
  • Club Soda
  • Containers, various sizes made out of glass and/or plastic.
  • Cotton and hemp cleaning cloths.
  • Cotton mops with wooden handles.
  • Essential Oils: (These are some of the most commonly used.)
    • ~ Eucalyptus Oil – Disinfects.
    • ~ Lavender Oil – Disinfects. Calming.
    • ~ Lemon, Orange, Grapefruit Oils – Degreasers
    • ~ Lime Oil – Degreaser, and general cleaner.
    • ~ Pine Oil – Disinfects, degreaser.
    • ~ Tea Tree Oils – Disinfects. Effective against bacteria.
    • ~ White Cedar Oil – Disinfects. Uplifting scent.
  • Kitty Litter
  • Lanolin – Natural oil extracted from wool that restores the the natural sheen of some fibers. It also can act as a water repellant.
  • Lemon, Lime, or Grapefruit Juice – Antibacterial, acidic, and smell great.
  • Natural sponges.
  • Olive & Carnauba Oils – Wood cleaners.
  • Pineapple
  • Potato
  • Pumice – Ground volcanic rock. Abrasive.
  • Pure Unscented Bulk Castile Soap
  • Spray Bottle
  • Whisk broom with natural bristles.
  • White Vinegar – Choose one that is made from grains, like Heinz vinegar. Many others are made from non-renewable petroleum alcohols.
  • Wooden broom handle with grass bottom.
  • Yeast

Additional items will be needed for the health and beauty recipes.

Remedy for indigestion: One half cup of cold water, a Tbs of Apple Cider Vinegar, and a half tsp of baking soda. Combine the water and vinegar and then slowly add in the baking soda. If you are not careful it can foam over so watch it. You can blow on it in order to reduce the foam. You will be amazed at how quickly this works. No more need to buy tons of antacids.

Soft hand soak and scrub for your Dominant: Microwave or oven-warm a small bowl of olive oil. Have them relax and soak their hands. Add some granulated sugar and scrub away the extra layer of dry skin

For Dry Skin: Avocado & Honey Face Mask :
You will need:
2 tablespoons of avocado
2 tablespoons honey
1 egg yolk
To form this anti aging skin care face mask, put all the ingredients in a blender, or mash by hand in a bowl. Use your fingers to spread the mask over your face and neck and leave it on for at least 30 minutes, preferably longer, before removing.

For Dry Skin: Honey and Egg Mask
You will need:
1 tablespoon honey
1 egg yolk
1/2 teaspoon almond oil
1 tablespoon yogurt
Put all ingredients into a large bowl and stir until it becomes sticky and thick. Apply the mask to your face for 5 minutes and wash face thoroughly with a mild facial soap. Honey stimulates and smoothes, egg and almond oil penetrate and moisturize, and yogurt refines and tightens pores.

For Tired Skin: Almond Yogurt Honey Mask :
You will need:
6oz plain yogurt
¼oz finely-crushed almonds
2tsp honey
2tsp wheat germ oil
Mix all the ingredients into a smooth paste. Apply and massage the mixture into skin. Keep the mask on for 20 minutes.

For Normal Skin: Apple Honey Mask
You will need:
1 Apple, cored & quartered
2 Tablespoons Honey
Drop the apple pieces into a food processor and chop. Add honey and refrigerate for 10 minutes. Pat the mixture onto your face with a light tapping motion, tapping until the honey feels tacky. Leave it on for 30 minutes and then rinse.

For Oily Skin: Honey-Papaya Mask
You will need:
1/3-cup cocoa
3 teaspoons of heavy cream
1/3-cup ripe papaya
1/4-cup honey and three teaspoons of oatmeal powder
Mix and apply on your face. After 10 minutes, wash your face with warm water. This helps heal skin blemishes, nourishes, draws out impurities, balances your skin pH, and will leave your skin radiant and soft.

Here are some natural recipes that you can use for cleaning:

Silver Polish: For every quart of boiling water, you add 1Tbs of baking soda and 1Tbs of iodized salt, keep the water at a rolling boil and then add a piece of aluminum foil big enough to cover the pot. This will go into the water and then you will place the silver you wish to get the tarnish off of on top of the tin foil. Let the ingredients do their work for a minute or two. You should see foaming, if not you will need to add a little more baking soda. After that, safely take out the silver and begin rubbing the silver with a soft cloth in small circles in order to get the residue from the salt and soda off of the silver. It is just that easy. Granted, some silver is more stubborn than others, so it may take a little more elbow grease, but this is also non toxic which is much better than the chemicals used in common cleaners.

Furniture Polish: Mix 1 cup lemon juice with 1 tbsp olive oil and 1 tbsp water; lightly apply to furniture using a soft cloth. Let sit for a couple of minutes, then buff.

Tile and Grout Paste: 1 cup water and 3 cups baking soda mixed into a paste works great for cleaning tile and grout. Use a toothbrush to scrub the paste into grout.

No Streak Glass Cleaner: Combine 1/4 cup undiluted white vinegar, 1 tbsp cornstarch, and 1 quart warm water. Divide into spray bottles. For a lint-free shine, wipe dry with a sheet of crumpled newspaper or a coffee filter.

Scratches in Wood floors or furniture: Hide wood scratches by rubbing them with the meat of a walnut.

Oil stains on clothes: Get some white chalk and rub it into the stain. The chalk will absorb the oil and come right out.

Cleaning and Polishing Stainless Steel: Baking soda and water for cleaning and mineral oil for shining.

Posted in , | Tagged , , , , , , , , | Leave a response

Submissive Guide Community Now Open!

By lunaKM on August 16, 2010

You’ve been waiting for more than a month but now the wait is over. Submissive Guide Community is open for registration!

What’s waiting for you?

  • Groups and conversations with other submissives and others interested in guiding and support.
  • Forums to ask your questions and give your own feedback.
  • Short lessons to help you improve your personal development.
  • A safe, comfortable environment for you to explore BDSM and D/s knowledge.

What I have planned for the future:

  • eCourses of different subjects with options for private and group chat.
  • eBooks and Reports with submissive education as the focus.
  • Webinars where I present a topic live and encourage conversation.

If you are ready to get signed up then head on over to the registration page!

Take a moment and check out the community guidelines, terms of use and privacy policy.

PS: If you tried to sign up and are waiting for a confirmation email, just try logging in. I reset a lot of people’s status codes this evening.

Posted in | Tagged | Leave a response

Setting Yourself Up for Rejection [Video]

By lunaKM on August 13, 2010

This video post is about an epidemic I’ve seen with submissives all over.

A submissive, dating and seeing Dominants; rarely going past the first few dates can begin to wonder why they are constantly searching and never finding someone to serve. You can develop a closed heart and begin to fear opening yourself up for fear of rejection by yet again another Dominant. And that very well may be the problem.

When you are dating, whether it be vanilla or otherwise, both parties tend to be vulnerable in the first few dates as they get to know one another. That vulnerability is actually attractive and makes the person want to get to know you even more. But if you approach each new date as if you are going to the dentist with your mouth clamped shut and rarely sharing anything about yourself then I don’t see another date happening.

Or what if you are in a new relationship and still you don’t feel comfortable expressing your feelings, you hold them at an arms distance and never allow your heart to open up. It’s going to be very difficult to build that relationship and potentially doom the relationship before it gets off the ground.

As a submissive I know it can be hard to constantly have an open heart and that you will get hurt and have to deal with some heartache. Everyone does you know. Hardening your heart to protect it from harm is a reflex thought that can have long lasting impact on your happiness. In fact the rejection you are fearing could happen because you aren’t opening yourself up.

Opening yourself up to possible rejection is scary. You can and do have emotional pain when things don’t work out. But if you continue to open yourself up there is a better chance that you’ll find that one you are looking for. Take a moment and try to see how you act around your new dates from their side. Are you stand-offish? Close-lipped about yourself? If so you might want to try and open up a bit.

Your dates and your future will thank you.

Posted in | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 2 Responses

5 Homemade Facial Recipes

By lunaKM on August 11, 2010

An activity in the Community area asks for everyone to start a 30 minute beauty routine once a week; taking time to care for your most important asset: yourself. When you start caring for your body and health one of the first things we think about is better skin. I’ve tried all of the different cremes and concoctions in the stores but sometimes it’s better to use what we have around the house, not to mention cheaper too.

Below are 5 Facial Mask Recipes you can try at home with ingredients you probably have in your pantry or fridge.

1. Heavy Cream Mask

  • 1 Tbsp. Heavy Cream ( Milk Cream )
  • 1 Tbsp. Honey
  • 1/4 tsp. Baking Soda

Method :

- Mix the baking soda with the cream until it acquires the consistency of men’s shaving foam

- Add honey and mix, smooth onto the skin of face and neck for 20 minutes

This is the quickest mask to prepare it has also the quickest effect, since it contains medium chain fatty acids in the free form, sugars, vitamins (specially vitamin A), minerals and trace elements. It will leave your skin very smooth.

2. Best Mask for Smooth Skin

  • 1/2 Banana (over-ripe)
  • 1/2 Avocado (over-ripe)
  • 1 Tbsp. Cucumber (chopped)
  • 1 Tbsp. Yogurt
  • 1 Tbsp. Olive Oil

Method :

- Mix all the ingredients and process them in a blender

- Apply a thick layer and leave for 30 minutes

- Wash with luke water then splash with cold water

3. Oatmeal and Yogurt Face Mask

  • 1 tbsp oatmeal, finely ground
  • 1 tbsp live, organic yogurt (skip the flavored stuff)
  • A few drops of honey

Method:
- Add the yogurt to the oatmeal in a small bowl and mix together.- Warm a few drop of honey. To do this, warm a spoon under hot water for a minute, then add a few drops of honey to the spoon.

- Stir the honey into the yogurt and oatmeal mixture.

- Apply the mask to the face. Leave it on for 10 minutes, then rinse off with several splashes of warm water. Follow with a warm washcloth.

- Apply moisturizer.

4. For Oily Skin

Use some plain Milk of Magnesia, rub it on and let dry, then rinse with lukewarm water. It absorbs oil wonderfully!

5. For Dry Skin

  • 1 egg yolk
  • 1 tsp. honey
  • 1 tsp. olive oil
  • Few drops of vitamin E oil (optional)

Method:

- Smooth on and leave on for 15 min. , rinse in lukewarm water and pat dry.

Posted in | Tagged , , , , , , , | Leave a response

What FetLife Has Done

By lunaKM on August 9, 2010

From the Submissive Guide Newsletter 5/8/10

Just under 3 years ago the BDSM community was a very differnet place. There has always been discussion boards and chat rooms. We could always connect via mySpace and Facebook, but there was never a centralized social network. Until FetLife came into being.

I joined the site when it was still in its infancy (before a lot of the features you see today) and thought it was a nice place to network and get to know people. Just as with everything it doesn’t stay perfect for long.

This isn’t a gripe session about FetLife, I’ll let you know now; but it is a wakeup call for everyone thinking that FetLife is the end all, be all solution to community. Because it’s not.

FetLife, for as long as it remains a free community will always be the place I recommend novices go to lurk in the groups and feed off of information that they get there. It is the largest no-nonesense group of people I’ve seen. Even collarme.com or the others can compare to the amount of valid advice available from real people. There’s a bunch of garbage too, but I’m getting to that later.

The ‘famous’ people are members of FetLife. You can easily have a conversation with John Warren, Laura Antoniou, Midori and other BDSM educators. Where else can you contact them within a matter of mouse clicks? This makes them more available, reachable and real. Hopefully it brings them down to our level instead of the pedestal we tend to put authors and speakers in our community. After all, they are people just like us and have been right where you are at one time or another.

I enjoy that there are is a wide variety of people on FetLife. Everyday I could go on the site and find a new fetish I had never heard of and then the groups related to it so that I could learn all about what makes it hot for these people. I can find things that I find exciting and know that I’m not the only one.

This feeling of not being alone has helped the novice more freely embrace this part of their lifes and desires. I think that the internet helped blossom curiosity, but FetLife has helped bring those curious together. Nowhere else does this happen with as much success.

Now, with every rather open community we have to deal with a few people that spoil the bunch. FetLife is written to try and discourage a dating site atmosphere. People try to get around it with classifieds groups. They still approach me on a weekly basis even if my status says engaged and collared. You can’t get away from those who would want your for themselves. We each have to learn how to handle these people, either with respectful declinations or ignoring them outright. Personal preference wins this one.

We also have the people who like to slander others. They take what little they may know of someone from group threads or their profile and ‘broadcast’ that this person is horrible and they should stay away from them at all costs. They typically are the type to post this person’s email address, other personal and identifying information and are clearly out to ‘get revenge’ for something that isn’t very clear. I know, being a group owner of 2 very large groups I’ve had to deal with several of these types. It’s never appropriate to drag someone’s name in the mud no matter how well you know them. Let their actions and words speak for themselves.

Lastly I’d like to talk about the Holier than Thou type that seems to only confuse the novices. These are the types that say, in a variety of ways, that the way they do BDSM is better than someone elses and are quick to say that you must not be submissive enough because xyz. It’s so counter-educational and against what I believe and teach on Submissive Guide. Every single person who engages in BDSM is correct in how they engage in it. I love variety and enjoy hearing about what works for one person (knowing it won’t for me). It’s what makes community so wonderful to be a part of.

FetLife has changed the community atmosphere. It really has. Better or worse is personal opinion, but I know that for me it has a lot going for it. As it ages I think it will get more refined with the quality instead of just quantity. I’ll be there to see it age. Hopefully you will join me there.

If you’d like to be my friend on FetLife, just go to http://fetlife.com/lunaKM. I’ll be waiting for you.

PS: A few of you probably have a more negative view of what goes on with FetLife politics. I don’t tend to get involved in those and my groups are very run of the mill, safe and don’t tend to stir the pot so to speak. I can’t say one way or another how fair or unfair FetLife democracy is because my experience with them when I needed help was swift and fair. Your mileage may vary and I’d welcome comments if you’d like to send them my way… just don’t think that you can sway my views.

Questions to Ponder

  1. What do you think of FetLife? How do you see it helping/hindering the BDSM community?
  2. If you are a current member of FetLife, did you join to try to find someone or for the community feeling?
  3. If you could tell John Baku what one feature FetLife really needs, what would it be?
Further Reading Online

Posted in , | Tagged , , , , , | 1 Response

lunaKM on Vacation

By lunaKM on July 30, 2010

If you follow my personal twitter or blog you already know this; Master and I are moving this weekend.

Due to the move and mess of unpacking, I will not be posting any new articles during the week of August 1st. Rest assured that I will return on Monday, August 9th with new posts!

In the meantime, take a look at some of Simply Service Newsletter Archives!

Maximus Hiding in Bubble Wrap

Other photo is Zeus in a box. Both are lunaKM’s kitties.

Posted in | Tagged , | 1 Response

Review: Protocols – Handbook For the Female Slave

By lunaKM on July 28, 2010

I’ve reviewed protocol based books here before but this one is far more unique than those read previously. Protocols isn’t just a book about protocols, it’s a handbook written from one Dominant to his slave. These are the actual orders and behaviors he expects out of his slave. While it reads like a handbook you can glean lots of wonderful information about leather lifestyle and his higher protocol experience.

Protocols is written by Robert J Rubel. He has written several good resources for the BDSM library such as Master/slave relations, Protocols for the Leather Slave and several others. This one is no different. The depth of the details and information brings you so intensely into his life and the life of leather that I ended the book wanting more.

The first part of the book is an introduction into leather lifestyles, various forms of D/s relationships and how the lifestyle has developed to what it is for him. If you aren’t familiar with the Leather Lifestyle this book is an eye-opener.

In the second part of the book he details proper dress, attitude and behavior of his slave. He shares a centering ritual that I find to be quite beautiful in its simplicity. There are several chapters about protocol dinner parties and how to serve at the table. If you have been looking for something to reference in relation to this, I highly recommend this book.

While this book can be read by a novice submissive I feel that it can overwhelm the inexperienced rather quickly. Everything detailed here does not happen in every relationship. My Master and I have different protocol ideas but the ones in this book are a beautiful dance between the two involved.

Product Details

  • lunaKM’s rating: 9/10
  • Paperback: 160 pages
  • Publisher: The Nazca Plains Corporation; 2nd edition (April 1, 2006)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 1887895124
  • ISBN-13: 978-1887895125
  • Product Dimensions: 8.9 x 6 x 0.6 inches
  • Buy Protocols: Handbook for the female slave

Posted in | Tagged , , , , , | 1 Response

Novice Q&A – July Edition

By lunaKM on July 26, 2010

Q: I have question.  I’m a Sub newbie under a Dom’s consideration for a D/s relationship.  Our relationship is not just confined to the bedroom but throughout our entire relationship. The only time we follow “norm” conduct is in the vanilla world.

My Dom has made it clear that he practices domestic discipline (non abusive or harmful). My question is what forms of domestic discipline are considered? I know they vary, but is there a considered theme of punishment? The thought of that does intimidate me a bit.

A: I had to do some reading online about Domestic Discipline relationships because I do not practice it and don’t know anyone in a DD relationship to refer to. From what I gather most DD relationships are based on a 50′s Housewife way of living. The Master is the head of the household and makes all the decisions. The submissive maintains the house and home according to his wishes. Punishment within these relationships is for infractions and violations of rules and what I read mostly relies on over the knee spanking.

I have purchased the book Domestic Discipline by Jules Markham so that I can understand it better and I recommend you seek it out too. It comes recommended on several of the sites I was reading on the subject.

Q: I am in a vanilla marriage, we have been together for 10 years. I have been recently getting in touch with my submissive desires. I feel this is something I would like to persue with my husband. We already have this kind of dynamic but not in a sexual aspect or to any sort of extreme. What is the best way to introduce the D/s dynamic to an already established vanilla relationship as a submissive?

The best way is slowly.  Start by talking about your fantasies. See if he will entertain one of yours if you entertain one of his. If you are already open about being submissive outside the bedroom you really can start talking about the intimate side of your relationship.  What about the sexual aspect is appealing to you? How would you like him to act? Are there things you want to try? Open up and talk to him about it when you are alone with him in a non-threatening way.

Ask me a question!

Do you have a question you'd like me to answer? This submission is anonymous. No question is too silly or too personal.

Posted in | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a response

Kink and Mental Health: The Background

By Rayne on July 23, 2010

There’s a lot of debate, in our kinky little corner of the worldwide web, about kinky people who have mental health issues.  What kinds of problems they cause, how to keep them from destroying the mood in kinky venues, whether or not D/s (and the structure that often comes with it) can help a person with mental disorders, whether or not they should be involved in kink or dominant/submissive relationships… The thoughts and opinions, as with just about every topic of discussion, are all over the place.

Why does this matter to me?

I have mental health issues.

I’ve been in and out of therapy since I was about sixteen.  Mostly because my parents knew there was something wrong, but couldn’t figure out what, and really didn’t know how to handle me anymore.  When I was twenty-ish, the small-town police where I lived had me committed to the mental health unit of a local hospital for suicide threats.  Later that year, I admitted myself because I ran out of my meds, my psychiatrist was out of town, and not even my regular MD would sign off on a refill, which caused a massive panic attack that lead to suicidal thoughts and threats.  And not far into the next year, I attempted suicide for the umpteenth time (and the last), got caught by M’s ex-fiance (my then-best-friend), and was committed again.

I don’t have a set-in-stone diagnosis.  None of the therapists or psychiatrists I’ve dealt with have been able to agree on one.  A few things that have been mentioned are bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, anxiety/social anxiety disorder, chronic clinical depression, and AD(H)D.  One doctor mentioned the possibility of me suffering from schizotypal personality disorder, but I’ve never really put much stock in that.  I mean, yeah, I’m a little on the paranoid side, but I think my paranoia fits more with the definition of anxiety disorder than SPD.

I don’t know how much, if any of it, is actually something I suffer from.  When professionals can’t agree, it’s really difficult to make that determination based solely on my own perception of my mood swings and crippling panic attacks.

And that is the biggest problem I have with the mental health profession.  So many mental disorders can only be diagnosed by spending time with the person and seeing how they react to different stimuli.  And many people with mental health issues, myself included, are amazingly proficient at putting their best foot forward when they feel the need to. 

Especially me.  Because growing up the adopted child of a Southern Baptist military man from Texas, and a United Methodist Yankee with money, everything’s all about appearances.  And having a child with emotional issues is a sign of bad child-rearing, not a mental health problem that should be treated.  Something to be humiliated by, not helped.

I haven’t attempted or threatened suicide since the last time I was committed in 2002.  I won’t lie and say I don’t occasionally have thoughts.  But they are few and far between, I never act on them, and they usually occur when I’m overwhelmed, and overstressed, and can’t figure a way out of it.

It’s hard to determine what the change in my ability to control my mental state was caused by.  Too many factors are in play.  Like the fact that the last suicide attempt was a serious wake-up call, and proved to me that the relationship I was in and out of for six years was unhealthy for all parties involved.  Or that I met M, begged for/accepted his collar, and suddenly had rather rigid structure that I hadn’t had since I was a child.  Or the fact that I’d spent about two years in and out of mental health institutions and out-patient therapy.  Or that I quit all the recreational drugs I was using, seriously reduced my alcohol use, and started paying attention to triggers and learning how to deal with them.

All of those things could have contributed to my sudden semi-stability.  Or none of them could have.  It’s just not possible to know for sure why I’m doing so much better than I was in my teens and early twenties.  Maybe I just grew up!

I’m not perfect by any means.  I mood-swing like it’s nobody’s business, and go into deep depressions where I can’t get out of my own way, and have at least one severe panic attack a month.  But I’m getting better without any help from the mental health profession.

(Disclaimer: I am not suggesting anyone try to handle mental health issues on their own.  I know that there are good professionals out there and that they are able to help some people.  I just have yet to find the one for me, and I’ve pretty much stopped looking.  Please do not take my experience and apply it to your own situation.  It could prove to be damaging to you and those around you.)

If I’m to be honest, I’d have to say that a lot of the common stereotypes about people with mental health issues irritate me.  Granted, some of us are completely off our rockers, and we should absolutely be seeking consistent, strenuous professional help, if not in-patient care.  I’ll give you that.  But the truth of the matter is, they are the exception, not the rule.

If you were to meet me on the street and have a conversation with me, no matter how long or short, you would have no idea that I have problems keeping myself on an even keel.  Hell, I have friends I’ve known for years who wouldn’t have a clue that I have been in and out of psychiatric care since I was sixteen if it weren’t for the fact that I’m pretty up front about it.

Most of the time, I’m coherent, stable, able to participate in intelligent conversation.  I take pretty good care of myself.  The only hygienic thing I skip from time to time is shaving my legs, but I think a lot of us do that.  It’s so time consuming!

No one ever feels endangered by my presence.  In actuality, I’ve been told that I have a calming, soothing affect on people from time to time.  And even when I did go into blind rages, coming out with no recollection of what I’d done (hasn’t happened in eight years), I only ever hurt myself or my own belongings.  I never turned my anger on anyone else.  Even the person who caused it.  Well, until I started fighting back.  Refusing to take the abuse lying down.

To be honest, I’m not entirely sure who to be angry at.  The fact of the matter is, I caused at least half of my problems growing up.  I’ve always been my own worst nightmare.  And when there’s no one else to blame, it must be that I’m a shitty person, so I direct the anger at myself.

Until recently.  Recently, since I’ve found a man who will shoulder the blame that he’s owed, I’ve directed the voice of my anger at him.  I still reserve the physical expression for when I’m alone.

Over the next post or three (I’ve got no exact direction with this series, just some idea of where I want to end up.  So it may be all over the place, and if so, I apologize.), I’ll tell you what it’s like for me, on a day to day basis, how the structure in our relationship works, how the issues affect our relationship… I hope, if anything, this series helps others out there like me.

Posted in , | Tagged , , , | 10 Responses

Out of the Office and Into the Home: Making the change from working to stay-at-home submissive

By lunaKM on July 21, 2010

Last February was a difficult month for me. Like many in this failing economy I found myself without a job. I was stressed and frustrated and knew that it would be very difficult to find another job when the competition was over 7% of the state’s workforce. Master wasn’t going to let me stay frustrated though.

Shortly after my job loss he came up with a plan. Our dream was going to be reality a little sooner than we had planned. He took on more work to make up the difference in pay and I was to become his stay-at-home submissive. A change in lifestyle not to be entered into lightly. It has proven to be a difficult change, indeed.

I was brought up to work. My work ethic was relatively strong and I got a lot of personal fulfillment out of working. I like the satisfaction I get out of completing a task and getting praise for it. I’m good at working and figured I’d be doing it for a lot of years to come. I wasn’t raised that home care was work, they were chores and chores were to be hated and disdained. They were something you had to do to get to the fun stuff. It wasn’t work.

Master works from home already. I was going to essentially enter into his domain during the day. I was there to please him as well as maintain the home to a higher standard than it was being held to. I was going to have to learn to find the joy in cleaning and being home a lot.

My first couple of weeks were spent cleaning the house sort of mish-mash. In reality I just was catching up with the household chores that I rarely got to when I was working. I started to feel good about the way the house was shaping up but I needed a routine. I found myself watching too much TV and doing even less work once the place was picked up.

That just wasn’t going to cut it. I sat down with FlyLady.net and my own Home Management binder that I made several months ago with an intention to follow it. I worked over my daily and weekly chore lists. I elaborated on them, added to them and rearranged them for my new life at home. I had to work in my website work in the afternoons so my housework became first priority in the mornings.

I started a list of things I’d like to accomplish short term and long term. I wrote down my dreams and goals as a stay-at-home submissive. They looked something like this:

Short Term:

  1. Start doing laundry more than once a week
  2. Keep the dished washed, dried and put away daily
  3. Make the living room suitable for drop in visitors
  4. Maintain the litter box better
  5. Really work hard on re-starting my diet and exercise routine

Long Term:

  1. Find cost effective home cleaners that are eco-friendly
  2. Learn sewing and craft skills to make or repair items rather than purchasing new
  3. Develop and wear a home uniform that Master would like to see me in
  4. Learn a higher level of protocol and service
  5. Prepare more meals at home, for less
  6. Learn canning and other food storage options

Now this was just a start to my stay-at-home dreams. I knew that I had a long way to go and I still don’t know where to start some days. But the transition still develops along with the effort needed. I’ve started learning and experimenting with old fashioned cleaners like baking soda and vinegar and tested my own laundry powder successfully. I’m also making more effort to cook and prepare more meals at home. My routine is starting to come together.

I’m a year into my new life and I’m beginning to see patterns in what I do on a daily and weekly basis. I feel less stress than I did while working and I can see an immediate improvement on Master’s life. He’s happier, smiles at me more often, appears to have less stress at work and I can see he enjoys having me at home. His dominance is stronger as well.

I have floundered and had a few days where I just sat in front of the TV all day, but these are not going to be common. I’m trying to establish a routine that will work for both of us. I’ve had difficult days and stressed over little things. I’ve cried because I miss work, even though I do have a ‘job’ now it’s still not in me as work. Master has been patient through it all. He’s helping me see my new position as the best of both worlds. I get to work on my own terms and be with Master every day, all day.

Overall it has been a positive change, even if it wasn’t planned to happen right now. We are rolling with the change, making it work for us and honestly, are very happy with how things are developing for us. Staying-at-home is work, but work that I can feel good about because it is improving our personal life and enhancing our dynamic. Dreams have become reality and more dreams are on the horizon. Anything can happen!

Posted in | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Responses

Serving after Abuse

By SehAnru on July 19, 2010

Having been in the lifestyle for almost two years now, one of the things that I have noticed is that I am facing a lot of issues due to abuse from my past. Not from any Dominant in the lifestyle, just from others in my past. I’ve learned enough that if you have similar past experiences, I’d like to share some of it with you.

When it comes to this lifestyle there is one important factor that keeps coming up which is to be open and honest with your Dominant. To some, this is a very frightening thing to ask because there may be things that you have not worked through yet. I have come to learn that these things are things that can hinder you emotionally and sexually. One of the duties of a Dominant is to help you through those issues in order to help you grow.

One of the main issues is trust. People who are emotionally, physically, and sexually abused find that the ability to trust someone is very rare. Don’t get this confused with the ability to show respect. If you are a service submissive, it is okay to show respect to all Dominants as is appropriate and allowed. That doesn’t mean you are required to trust them. For example: in large crowds I will huddle close to either my Husband or my Master depending upon who is my escort for the event as they both understand my needs in this situation. It is important to find someone who is aware of your needs and capable of taking care of you.

How do you take that first step out of your box? The answer is very carefully. First is to not rush things, be patient. This can be very hard to do when you discover this new world and want to try new things, but there are a lot of predators out there, it is important to not latch on to the first person you come across. I have made many mistakes, like jumping in without finding out what is in that murky water. Be careful of being over confident in your ability to handle yourself. It is easy to end up in the same situation in which you were abused before, and it can put the locks on your mental doors in the process. You can easily become jaded unnecessarily. Take time to get to know people. If they are worth keeping around, they will stick around and will also make the effort to get to know you.

When it comes to taking that step in wanting to get involved in scenes, again, talk to people. Get references about those in which you are interested in having a scene with. Set up a public scene at a local dungeon. Do not do private scenes. Do not invite someone to come to your home, especially if you live alone, or even if you don’t but know you will not have anyone there at the time. These are all safety precautions that should be first and foremost in your mind. I know from experience that being anxious and excited sometimes overrules common sense.

Know your limits and be honest with yourself and those you choose to share this lifestyle with. For example: I have a very hard time with humiliation. I can’t handle someone calling me a dirty whore, slut, etc. I go into fight mode or completely shut down, even though I do like being that naughty little girl. This is an example of something you need to face and explain to your Dominant, even if it has been agreed upon that you are to be broken down and reprogrammed. I have seen and read about this in many Master and slave relationships, the point should not be to damage you in the process. If that is the path your Dominant chooses to go down, you should re-evaluate your relationship as that is abuse.

Be very open and honest with your Dominant. He or she is not a mind reader and no matter what he or she says, your Dominant will not know your needs, or your limits unless you give him or her that information. This includes your past, which I know, again from experience, can be very frightening. But if you are going to go out on a limb and consider someone who would be allowed any physical, sexual, and emotional control over you, you owe them the tools to do the job. Suggestions I give in my Submission in Motion’s group: Write out what you feel are your needs. (I say feel because these will change over time as your grow.) Keep a journal. (This can be either online or buy a journal, or even use a notebook.) Chat with other submissives. (Peer support is great and will offer you many ideas to think about.) and/or go to local munches. (I went to Fetlife.com found the munch in our area and started going. You should too.)

Keep your heart and mind open enough to have new experiences, but closed enough to be safe.

Happy submitting.

Posted in | Tagged , , , , , , , | 3 Responses

How to Be More Aware

By lunaKM on July 16, 2010

In this hustle and bustle world we are losing an important connection. No, I’m not talking about the internet; we are all plugged and tuned out from the world around us. We seldom recognize the people around us let alone acknowledge them. If your goal is to be a submissive that serves every wish of your Dominant, sometimes before they know they need or want something you have to unplug and relearn a vital personal trait. You have to become more aware of what’s around you.

In Erotic Slavehood: A Miss Abernathy Omnibus one of her lessons teaches this.  I’m going to describe her lesson as well as a couple others that may help you reconnect with the world around you and bring awareness into your submission.

Lesson 1: Awareness of Self

In this lesson you will become more aware with how you carry yourself, what you say and how you come across to others nearby.  The general idea is to become more graceful, less sloppy and conscientious of how you appear to others.

For this lesson you will need a watch with a timer or some other alarm that doesn’t have to be turned off; it just beeps and continues. That way it won’t interrupt what you are doing when it goes off.  If you are on your computer a lot the free desktop application called TimeLeft is a good option.

For the next 3 days, set the timer for one hour. This will be an hourly check for you. Each time the timer beeps make aware of how you are sitting/standing. Correct it if need be. You don’t want to be slouching or fidgeting. Sit up straight, put both feet on the floor, stop twitching and calm your breathing. After the first few checks you may begin automatically correcting yourself as soon as you catch yourself slipping into poor posture or mannerisms. The goal is to not need the timer any longer and be aware of your body and mannerisms on a more active basis.

Lesson 2: Awareness of Surroundings

Using the same timer or watch from the previous lesson you will be using the one hour timer to perform another lesson. In this lesson you will start to become more aware of your surroundings. Hopefully you will tune things out less and perhaps notice more that you would have missed previously.

At the signal of each hour take a moment and close your eyes. Try to name 3 things that are in front of you, behind you and to each side. Pay special attention to details. Don’t just say newspaper; what is the name of the newspaper? Don’t just say a cup, is it an empty cup? Does it have liquid in it? What is in the cup? How full is it? As you practice this one your mind will automatically remember and pay attention to these things so that you will spend less and less time trying to think about the 3 things in each direction. Your goal is overall awareness.

Lesson 3: Awareness of Others

This is the lesson I remember from Erotic Slavehood. The objective of this lesson is to be more aware of people around you and appreciate them more. We interact with customer service personnel on a daily basis. But how often do you really listen to them when they speak, look at them when they talk to you, use their name if they give it, thank them? I’m betting it’s far less than you realize. In this lesson we will afford them with some interaction.

The next time you are somewhere, use your awareness skills and notice the person’s name tag or if they give their name and use it. Most people will feel a little off about hearing their name, so use it in casual conversation. For example, if you need more to drink and they approach, try saying, “Could I have more water please Sarah?” This is less startling and even welcoming. Always thank them. Even if it’s in drive thru for coffee. Saying thank you can go a long way.

If you work in customer service, start using your customer’s names if you see them. In this situation, the appropriate etiquette is still to use Mr., Mrs. and Ms Bordon instead of first names. This affords them more courtesy and respect than familiar names. When in doubt Sir or Ma’am will do.

What do you think will happen as you start to become more aware of the people around you? Does the world around you change? I bet it shifts to a more happy world.

Lesson 4: Building Awareness

The last lesson I have for you is of your own design. Using the skills you’ve picked up in the previous lessons think of something you want to be able to do for your Dominant. For me it is refilling his drinks, or at least asking if he’d like a refill before he asks for them. To do this I needed to develop my awareness of surroundings and pay more attention to his behavior with his drinks. This will teach me to watch the level of the glass or mug, how quickly he drinks it, how long he waits before requesting a refill and then I can begin to learn to do this myself.  For me I have learned he really appreciates that I watch his drink and refill it without being asked to. It’s a small start into the type of service I wish to provide him.

No matter what you choose to do, these lessons will help you go through this world with a bit more consciousness. If you do any of these lessons I’d love it if you stopped back here and let me know how they worked out for you.

The comments are always open.

Image by Koshyk

Posted in | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Response

Next »