Mentoring, self-help and submissive exploration

lunaKM has been a full-time slave in an M/s relationship for over 10 years. She is the founder and editor of Submissive Guide. Learn more about her here and connect with her on, Twitter, Google+, FetLife.

5 responses to “New to D/s Relationships? Here’s Your Foolproof Guide to Starting Out – Part 1”

  1. Jaz

    Please help. My marriage is falling apart bcuz I don’t know how to submit. I’ve had to take care of everything and everyone for so long. My husband and I also both have Dom personalities. I WANT to submit but he believes he is a “master Dom” so is unwilling to acknowledge my fear of letting go and my fear of the anticipated pain.
    When we’re experimenting and it becomes to much for me, he doesn’t stop. He pushes too hard, too soon. I’m a survivor of abuse and he knows this…I kinda freak out during sessions due to flashbacks and instead of reassuring me he degrades me then gets angry bcuz I’ve ruined his fun and being too much of a novice. I not only WANT this I NEED this. How do I get him to understand without making him feel like I’m taking control from him or being too dominant?
    He takes all my suggestions the wrong way. My heart is breaking, I don’t want to lose my marriage or my husband but now he’s searching for other women he can train. I’m so scared! He’s not at with me right now and all I do is cry day and night and when we do talk on the phone, I try to not let him know how depressed I am and all we do is argue about this subject.
    Please, please help me…! I thot about therapy but the don’t understand my need to submit and encourage Independence and self discipline/dominance.

  2. Jaz

    Thank you and I agree. My mind has been so confused because he’s told me that he’s the Dom and has made me feel horrible believing I’ve been acting dominant but no, I only wanted to be heard.

  3. Jaz

    How do I go about finding an experienced Dom for an inexperienced sub? It’s still really hard for me to submit because of the cruelty, I’m shy, and even scared now but I KNOW this is something I not only NEED but want. It just can’t be him and I think it’s probably best to end this. It came to a boiling point over the weekend and I can’t do it anymore, it’s actually messing with my mental health.
    Thank u Luna. I really REALLY appreciate your feedback.

  4. Mister Ike

    Dear Jaz,

    It does sound to Me like he’s not willing to accept you as an equal partner in your D/s relationship. And that’s not an acceptable situation, not at all. D/s relationships are equal relationships, both parties have to be present with the other, 100%. It’s difficult to make it work otherwise, although perhaps possible (anything’s possible). But that’s not what you want.

    His refusal to stop when you want to (disregards your safeword?), esp. to an abuse survivor (I’m one also) is NOT acceptable behavior and shows a lack of maturity and understanding.

    Are you a switch? you said you both have Dom personalities, but you want to submit to Him, or to someone. I’m also a switch, but I find few females with Dominant tendencies, so I’m mostly a Dominant (and happily so!). Genuine switches are rare, in my limited experience.

    How to find a Dom who can handle you patiently, train you? Fetlife, Craigslist, events (where do you live?). Just as with vanilla relationships, finding the right partner is hit or miss. I love craigslist myself, there’s a wider audience, but fetlife is better for a laser focus. you just have to keep trying, kiss a few frogs…

    Good wishes to you.
    Mister Ike

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