Dear Submissive Guide,

I'm feeling confused about service, sub drop, and my emotions. My boyfriend and I have been together for over 3 years now. He is my first Master and I am his first sub but we did explore these sides of ourselves very early on into our relationship. Right away I felt that I wanted to be a service sub and I wanted to be that way completely. The truth is though that I wound up finding this far too emotionally difficult on me. I couldn't handle waiting for him at home having done all the housework and gotten all lovely for him and not feeling like I was getting credit for it. I was just too emotionally vulnerable and I'm a clingy person to begin with but this drove it a bit further. Within a year I was pulling away from service and more into a regular 'vanilla' relationship with only our sex falling under this category. I knew my 'clingy-ness' had annoyed him and my emotional vulnerability was too much for me to handle. I was becoming depressed, it was almost like a very extended sub-drop. So I tried not to be clingy but in the process I felt that I was losing myself in this relationship and became a bit emotionally numb.

Recently we've talked and become so close again and have begun re-exploring and re-entering this world. With caution I've asked to keep it limited to the bedroom but the truth is I'm not sure that’s what I want or that it’s even entirely possible for us. I'm so naturally inclined towards service, the moment I enter this submissive role it comes roaring out in everything I do and it trickles into the other areas of my life. I feel like I've begun to find myself again but I see myself becoming clingy and emotionally vulnerable again and I'm worried that I don't know how to deal with this in a healthy way for myself and for my relationship. Also, just a small side question, sometimes I get really mad when he tries to dominate me outside the bedroom when I'm in a bad mood, do you ever feel that way and, if so, how do you deal with that? I'm hoping you have some advice for me.

Sincerely,

Worried About Being Clingy

Dear Clingy,

What you’ve described in your relationship with your boyfriend and Master is more typical than you realize. It sounds to me like you both jumped in your D/s dynamic with both feet and maybe did a little too much, too soon.

At the same time, it’s possible you were going through sub frenzy - a time for many new submissives when the physical, mental, and emotional rush you get from submission clouds everything else. Typically, submissives rush in and try to do All The Things and then feel overwhelmed or, in some cases, burnt out. Sub frenzy can also be overwhelming for Dominants who don’t know how to handle their submissive’s enthusiasm and feel that things are happening too fast. This can cause them to pull away or shut down.

What that can mean is that you do everything in your power to be the perfect, doting, willing submissive and when your Dominant fails to recognize it, you get worried or resentful. This leads to misunderstandings, fear that you’re not enough or too much, and arguments.

Regarding your feelings of being clingy and emotionally vulnerable, these things are extremely common - especially with new submissives. Part of it could be sub frenzy, but part of it is that most of us have been taught we’re not supposed to need someone as much as many submissives need their Dominants, and so we wonder what’s wrong with us.

The best thing you can do is talk to your Dominant. Tell him how you feel. Tell him your worries and fears. It’s likely that what you really need to do is slow down in your exploration and have some patience. D/s is a learning process. You won’t be able to do all the things you want to do as a submissive from the very beginning. As you’ve probably figured out, trying to do everything before you’re ready leads to frustration, burn-out, and resentment.

And when you want more, you need to talk to your Master and let him know that you think you’re ready for more. Likewise, when you’re scared, nervous, or feeling vulnerable and emotional, you have to tell him that, too. Part of this D/s thing we do is learning how to rely on each other. If you want your Master to have control and power in your relationship (in or out of the bedroom), you also have to give him all the information so he can make the right decisions - or try to.

As for what to do when you get angry at your Dominant, you need to talk to him. D/s begins and ends with clear communication. You may be angry because you’re feeling overwhelmed or because your mind wasn’t on your submissive role. It could be resentment for other issues you haven’t worked out with him. There’s no way to know until you both sit down and have an honest conversation with each other about how you feel, what you want, and how you want to your D/s relationship to work.