Mentoring, self-help and submissive exploration

lunaKM has been a full-time slave in an M/s relationship for over 10 years. She is the founder and editor of Submissive Guide. Learn more about her here and connect with her on, Twitter, Google+, FetLife.

7 responses to “The Submissive Blues – Submissive Meditation Monday”

  1. Julie

    I have been in disconnect for about a year now so I honestly feel for you and the stress and difficulty you’re going through. Though I don’t know all you’re going through my situation is mostly situational that has caused major stress, depression, health issues and a total breakdown in communication that in turn not only hurts the M/s relationship but the partnership as a whole. As much as I crave my submission and want things back the way they were I can’t help feeling a little resentful and hurt that I tried to hold things together and perform my duties all by myself and any attempts to help my Master understand just how bad things have gotten went mostly ignored. We have been together for many years so I would feel like I failed him if I give up. We always says communication is key in this lifestyle, but where do you turn when there is none? I am happiest when I am focused in submission. It’s getting that focus back that is going to make or break things.

  2. AJ

    My lowest points in submission were when I lost trust in my Master. I guess my answer would be a combination of help from a professional therapists for me and him, forcing myself to obey and follow his lead while also honestly making my feelings known, and allowing myself to be vunerable.

  3. JOY

    What about a 30 day submission challenge. Sit down with KnyghtMare and develop a challenge a day. Make sure to include not just the behaviors you are having problems with but some easy tasks you know you will enjoy and succeed at to boost your submissive confidence. You can set consequences and rewards for each day or you can fill two bowls or jars one with rewards and one with consequences to choose at random based on how you did that day.

    It takes 30 days to set a habit. Maybe this will be a way to get your groove back. If you try it, I would love to know if it worked or not.

  4. Scot Hill

    Thank you so much for this honest post. I have been submissive most of my 28 year relationship and in a collard M/s relationship with my Mistress/spouse for greater than 15 years. While lacking formal title acceptance, “submissive blues” are a “real thing.” D/s is most rewarding when it simply flows naturally through your life. It can energize everything you do, focus your mind and spirit and give a sense of peace. It is frustrating within a relationship when we feel “blocked” in our submission. I have a few suggestions that have helped me as I have encountered this frequently over the years.
    -Recognize (as you have already stated) that this is a predictable experience. Tell yourself that like the seasons of the year, you are in a “blue” season. Seasons come and seasons go.
    -Communicate with your Master/Mistress that you need to reduce some of the non-essential chores/services for a time to focus on yourself. While minor blues can be overcome with a greater focus on work/service, major blues are likely a signal that something deeper is going on in your psyche and needs attention.
    -Committ to proper self care. Sleep, proper diet and exercise, setting necessary boundaries, making space for silence and reflection, journaling are all an important part of creating an environment where you can listen to what you need. In one of my blues cycles, I went to therapy for over a year before it passed but it was incredably beneficial.
    -Reassure your partner and yourself that you will be honest about your needs, wants and desires. You may have to give extended consideration to your life apart from D/s or in a different role in order to create the space necessary to do the inner work necessary.
    -Revisit those activities that have helped you get in your submissive space in the past. When I am not flowing in my submission, I discover that my initiation of Mistress’ daily foot massage vanishes. My eagerness to serve diminishes. When I discover this, I intentially set a goal to rub Her feet twice a day for a week. This self discipline is helpful in restoring a proper flow within the relationship.
    -Resisting the reality and interference of vanilla life is futile. Work, kids, family, stress, illness and injury, our own personal demons etc all threaten our flow in submission. Ride the wave don’t fight it. We are living in the real world not in some fantasy.
    It has been my experience that minor submissive blues come and go like the wind. Major submissive blues thankfully come less often but stay for much longer periods of time. I hate major blues! I have experienced however, that in time, they go away and I am able to go deeper into my submission with Mistress. The true nature of the partners will not go away. If you are truly submissive paired with a true Dom, that way of being together will naturally reemerge as the blues season passes.
    Patience, understanding and compassion must be our guide.

  5. Sarty

    I’m only an online Submissive so I won’t pretend to know what it is like in real life. What I know is that I can get bored pretty quickly and that I need the adrenaline to help me stay engaged. Over the long term, that is not a good solution as we can’t be “in scene” all the time, and even if we are in scene lot, attenuation occurs. I have a kink-friendly therapist and she is GREAT. She knows about relationships but she also knows about our special relationships and she helps tremendously. I think it’s probably normal to go through highs and lows, and it’s perfectly fine to reach out when you are in a low to minimize the time and suffering spent there.

  6. Henry

    i m really surprised to hear you speaking thusly and do feel that you have quite possibly placed your wonderful work above your submission, Perhaps it is time to reassess your relationship in the light of your obvious workload, which may in fact be challenging Master’s status as your dominant. Is Master interested in your work, does he participate, or is this something you undertake strictly on your own – if the latter be he case, beware! I know only too well what Mistress D’s response to any challenge to her dominance would be – and i would have a great deal of trouble sitting at my desk to work on anything for quite some time.


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