Mentoring, self-help and submissive exploration

My name is AndyIccee. I have been practicing S&M for almost 3 years, and my Master and I transitioned to full time D/s about six months ago. I am currently still in school, I am working towards a PhD in Psychology with a focus on Women's Advocacy, Domestic Abuse, and Sexual Assault. I hope to become a professor!

12 responses to “Channeling Guilt”

  1. RM

    Someone else moving your purse wasn’t your fault, though. Reading this article, that really stood out. He might have been mad that his afternoon was cut short, but it wasn’t your fault, and refusing to talk to you seems really severe because you didn’t move your own purse into a drawer, someone else did that and that’s their fault they did that without telling you.

  2. RM

    And honestly I’m about to stop reading this entire website. Maybe I should. Just so much here sounds like neglect and abuse. There is no reason to ignore your calls and act like this, worrying you, making you feel like you have to pay his half of the rent because you were responsible and brought your purse and keys but someone else moved them and you were worried that your job was in danger.

  3. sir dom

    i agree with you RM. Some of the comments ive read on this website do sound like neglect and abuse. Anyone can make a mistake so why feel guilty? If someone had took it funny with me like that they would have been sent packing, because they odviously have no consideration for your feeling and, get a kick out of controlling, which i do not think is healthy in any type of relationship.

  4. slavegirl45

    I couldn’t deal with someone who would shut me out, not answer texts, and leave the house for the night just because I made a mistake (if it can actually be called that). If he needs to collect his thoughts that is one thing. Saying that he is not in the mood to talk would have been sufficient. Acting like a child because his fun time was interrupted is not something I need in my life.

  5. Emily

    I just found this blog recently, and I have loved reading everything on it…but this story rubs me very much the wrong way, and concerns me deeply.

    It sucks that someone moved your purse. But *that is not your fault*.

    The guilt you experienced is understandable – even though it was not your fault, Chief lost a big chunk of his fun day out because of it, and feeling guilt makes sense. But the reactions I see here, from both sides, scare and disturb me.

    Being told to stop talking to him? Being told that he was so angry that he couldn’t talk to you for a full day? Leaving without telling you where he was going? Those are all unacceptable. And on your side, offering to pay his rent in penance? Really? That’s something I can’t get behind at all. This sounds like someone being taken advantage of, really.

    I am a slave to my Queen, but if something like this happened, and Her reaction were to ignore me and to tell me to stop contacting Her for a day, the relationship would be in serious jeopardy. Would I expect to be punished? Hell yes. Would I expect to be treated like that, though? No, never. That is not M/s, that is being domineering and manipulative.

    I agree completely that people should find a way to channel any negative emotions they are feeling, including guilt, but this story doesn’t highlight that – this story highlights decisions that concern me greatly. Please, please, explore this in therapy (if you’re still going), because these are not stable decisions made on either side of the coin here.

  6. SilverLilly

    Getting into that place where you are emotional is definitely hard! Past experiences never quite leave us but make us who we are. You stated you are working on a degree in psychology… Have you been exposed to dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT)? The treatment protocols developed by Marsha Linehan are fabulous. I would not be on the path of managing my mental health without it. I would definitely look at the emotional regulation portion. Chief and your communication could be helped by the interpersonal communication section.

    I strongly believe EVERYONE should have some exposure to DBT!!!

    Hope your day is going better!

  7. lunaKM

    Some what you read anywhere is going to sound like abuse and neglect and it could be more about the person who wrote the article than it is about the comments and the readers’ impressions. I’m not going to hide the bad from good on this site, and andyiccee (the author) wanted to share this piece of herself. Hopefully you can avoid a similar situation if you feel it is improper, but it doesn’t mean it’s not worth learning and reading about.

  8. m

    hi andyiccee,

    first of all, thank you for sharing this very personal experience.
    That always takes courage.
    You are not the only one who has a built-in guilt reflex due to their childhood!
    While mine was not abusive, I recognized myself in your description:
    I too find it hard to ask for help, because I feel that I shouldn’t be a burden, least of all for my master. It took me a very long time to learn that – even as a slave – I am responsible for my life,
    I don’t have to be perfect. I too may make mistakes, sometimes big ones, sometimes small –
    I’ve broken down in tears when I forgot to serve gravy with the potatoes!
    And it’s OK to feel guilty. The fact that from the outside, there seems to be no reason to feel this way, doesn’t make your feelings any less valid!
    So I compliment you on being able to reflect on your feelings and knowing where they come from and finding ways to deal with them. I too channel bad feelings into positive action when I’m able to do so – cleaning (nice encironment makes everybpdy feel better), sports (positive rush of hormones, plus my master likes me to get in better shape), pamper and groom myself ( nobody likes a grumpy snotfacw). And my master too will praise these efforts and forgive my mistake.
    Sometimes he too needs space to deal with his feelings. The only thing different is that he would not ignore me, but tell me that he needs to be left alone. This way I do not feel insecure or question the relationship.

  9. sir dom

    I understand the d/s relationship, but still, there is that fine line between sexual control and abuse, this is control too far and it is abuse, full stop regardless of what certain people say on this site about it can seem that way. I like to be dominate in a sexual way, but my relationship with that person outside the bedroom is very different, i do not humiliate, make them feel like shit in anyway shape or form, i dont beleive in 24 hour domination its just not healthy to have someone be controlled like that.

  10. fingerman075

    i read it but i don,t see what your all talking about , understand i,ve in the passed had way too many sub females in my house or under my control only that they did,nt have job,s and no place else too go a few lost there purse and in the long run i got blamed every time . or something of mine was taken then all of a sudden it shows up , we looked there all ready note when there more then 1 female in the house they some time try too get ahead of others like good grade with me and it back fire,s , 1 girl missing her cell ph all of a sudden every ph in the house is missing but mine , cause for 1 thing i don,lay it down , just like my car keys there always in my pocket, 1 of the girl,s is let too use my extra car , the key is keep around her neck at all times the others can only use the car if they ask me and the key bearer , and it better return with gas in it too , them day,s are over 10 females never again you talk about playing golf , try being at work 250 miles away , and having too come home and find the house supper clean and they all ready found it but for got too call me and say there sorry

  11. Curious_kitty

    So lemme get this straight. You work twice the hours he does, have an hour commute, and he still expects you to do all of the housework? And you make what you thought was an honest mistake (which turned out to not even be yours) and ask him to sacrifice one afternoon so that you wouldn’t risk losing your job (which would also be in his interests because that would mean losing a big chunk or even the majority of your household income), and he gets so pissed that he doesn’t even bother to communicate with you at all for the next 24 hours? Maybe I’m just not getting some key aspect of this whole master/slave dynamic, but this guy sounds like an ungrateful leech.

  12. fisherbabe

    Hi Andyiccee

    A M/s relationship is hard for people to comprehend. Why would someone put themselves into a servant like relationship with someone, but that is what you have chosen to do.

    I too suffer from guilt, not quite as bad as you, but I often wonder if the reason why I like to be punished is to purge those feelings of guilt. I’ve just come out of an abusive relationship, and my ex would not talk to me for such infractions, even if it wasn’t my fault – I made him drive back 3/4 hour to our place one day because he had my purse in his car and he was heading out of town for a few days. He didn’t talk to me for days. That sort of behaviour is emotional abuse. I just hope that your Master apologised to you – because you didn’t deserve that behaviour from him. Yes, he might have needed his quiet, but he needed to think about you and your guilt too. He should have known that you would react that way.
    Thinking of you.

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