Mentoring, self-help and submissive exploration

My name is AndyIccee. I have been practicing S&M for almost 3 years, and my Master and I transitioned to full time D/s about six months ago. I am currently still in school, I am working towards a PhD in Psychology with a focus on Women's Advocacy, Domestic Abuse, and Sexual Assault. I hope to become a professor!

2 responses to “Coming Out As Kinky: Food for Thought”

  1. Bigolddude36

    I appreciated your writings, I am wrangling though with a different problem relates to coming out.

    I am a 39 to man who recently found that my sexuality is primarily submissive. My wife knows, but doesn’t seem to want to be my domina. I feel how her reluctance towards making me her slave – only in bed mind you – dries out my sexual energy, again making me emotionally and sexually stunted. I’m at a loss.

    Best case scenario: I can cultivate her inner dominatrix. But how do I go about this? E.g. teasing her by putting myself in compromising positions (bonda ge, breath control, cbt, as s play etc.), or do I just talk to her about it? I mean, I’ve done this more than once, and at one point she controlled my ejaculation giving me an orgasm of a lifetime, but since then nada. Even with subtle to no subtle hints at how much of a turn on it is for me to be strangled, she doesn’t do anything. I know you might think “well, maybe don’t think about yourself all the time, and I’ve tried this, but right now I am definitely sub, and being other than that just doesn’t work for me. It doesn’t turn me on and my sexual drive is non-existent.

    Not-so best case scenario: She can’t be dominant in the way that I hope. Perfectly understandable, but I shrivel up. Creativity disappears, I get apathetic and stop feeling anything. She knows this – and it is an issue I’m working with through therapy with a sexologist – but maybe it’s just who I am. How do I break it to her, that I want someone – not her in this scenario obviously – to control me completely once in a while, to satisfy this side of my sexuality? Personally, I don’t see this as a problem since I love my wife dearly, and being satisfied sexually do wonders for me mentally making me able to show her the affection she deserves.

    Worst case scenario: I don’t even want to think of it. We have a child, want to have another and she’s the one I want to grow old with.

    I appreciate your thoughts on this issue.

  2. AdviceDomme

    In response to Bigolddude36:
    I’m an experienced Domme who has male submissives and maybe can offer some insight.

    I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting the things you want (I enjoy many of them myself as a Dom), but your approach and mentality I see as problematic, and I don’t think you’ll get the result you’re hoping for unless you try to look at things from a different perspective. For starters, WHY is your wife reluctant? Have you asked her? Have you thought about it and tried to come up with a solution or compromise?

    You said “I know you might think “well, maybe don’t think about yourself all the time, and I’ve tried this, but right now I am definitely sub, and being other than that just doesn’t work for me. It doesn’t turn me on and my sexual drive is non-existent.”
    But you *haven’t* tried it – you tried to stop only thinking about yourself by…thinking only about yourself. Not once did you talk about what SHE wants, what SHE desires, HER needs, HER pleasure. If you want someone to have sex with you and just give you exactly what you want without a thought for their enjoyment, then pay them. Nothing wrong with that, other than you being married.

    You said *you* wouldn’t see that as a problem, but it probably will be for your wife, and your thought that she should be okay with her husband being with another woman (she might be but it’s likely she won’t, and until you know for sure, you have to assume not) just so that *you* can “be satisfied sexually” and therefore “be able to show her the affection she deserves” is rather selfish. Showing affection to your spouse should not be based on whether they give you the type of kinky sex you want, and a marriage is a joining together of 2 people, you’re no longer entitled to get everything you want all the time. When you start thinking about what the other person wants and needs, you’ll often find they become more receptive to what *you* want as well (assuming you’re genuinely caring and not just pretending to as a way to get what you want).

    I think your idea of therapy is a very good one, but I think someone with expertise in marriage counseling might be better rather than a sex therapist [I assume that's what you mean by "sexologist" - a sexologist is someone who studies sexuality, the type of person you're referring to is usually called a sex therapist], and that you go together (if she isn’t willing, it could still be helpful if you go alone). I think this could be very beneficial in improving your marriage and marital sex life, and once communication has been opened, then you could bring up your desire for some kinkier bedroom action.

    Either way, yes, you should talk to her and stop “dropping hints”, especially about the more extreme stuff like strangling, which a vanilla individual (if indeed that’s what your wife is) will likely reel back in fear/horror/disgust upon hearing. There’s nothing wrong with enjoying that sort of kink but the average person will see it as “extreme” and scary. Start out by mentioning that you’re interested in trying some new things in the bedroom. She’s apparently new to this and until you know how she actually feels about it, don’t suddenly drop all your naughty fantasies on her, it can be overwhelming. While it’s important to tell her that you want to take on a submissive role and be direct about what you want, that should be part of a larger conversation.

    Ask if there’s anything *she* has ever thought about or wanted to try, and be willing to try it (unless it’s outside your limits), because you’re expecting her to try things that she doesn’t sound interested in either. When you tell her what you want, don’t start off by demanding “I want you to….”, and don’t tell her that you think the sex sucks right now, that it makes you “shrivel up”, etc. That will probably make her feel angry, hurt and/or confused, and the last thing she’ll be thinking about is satisfying your personal fantasies. Also, if you say stuff to criticize her sexual abilities (even if you didn’t mean it that way), it may make her feel too insecure to be trying new things, and it may mean the end of your current vanilla sex also.

    If she agrees to explore new things, talk and find out what she will enjoy, come up with something you can do that will be pleasurable for you both, and suggest things that will put her in the position of control or give her a taste of being Dominant. It should be about trying new things together and finding new avenues of pleasure, and maybe in the future she will want to try some of your more “hardcore” fantasies, but if she’s skittish, start small and give her a chance to find out what she likes and doesn’t like. She may secretly be the Domme you’ve been hoping for, but you won’t find out until she discovers it for herself (and that won’t be possible if you only focus on your own desires). Also, I would definitely remind her about the time she controlled your orgasm and say how incredible she made you feel, and *find out if she enjoyed it too*. If she says yes, then say you’d love to have more of those experiences together.

    I’m not a therapist so I make no claims that my advice is accurate but I’m a woman who is a Dom in a relationship with a male sub, and as you can see, I spent a while writing you a response, so I hope what I said is helpful, and that you’ll consider it, even if you don’t like some of it. Good luck and hopefully you’ll be a happy submissive slave to a Domina wife soon!

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