Welcome back to the next part in the BDSM Basics series. In earlier episodes we figured out if we were kinky, what role we are, how to stay safe and how to find a partner. In this article we'll talk about what your first date might look like. I'll cover two different situations for a first date. The first being a non-play first date and the other being playing on the first date.

What you should always consider is what kind of relationship you wish to establish. I have found through experience and talking with others, that most "play on the first date" sort of relationships often don't develop into long-term D/s relationships. But they can lead to some amazing play partner friendships. Depending on what style of relationship you are looking for at the time will likely govern what you are looking for in a first date. As with everything I tell you, things don't always happen this way so don't assume that the only way a play relationship can develop is through a play on the first date or that a D/s relationship only forms when you don't play on the first date. Just make sure you listen to your gut in this. It's usually right.

In any first date situation you should have a few safety measures in place. Let someone know that you trust that you'll be going on a first date. Set up a safe call. If you don't know the place you will be meeting very well you could go there a day or so ahead and have a drink to feel out the atmosphere. Depending on how nervous you are, you could find out what manager is working the night of the date and talk with them before hand to ask if it's possible to keep an eye out for you. Just letting others know of a first date situation can relieve some of your nerves.  If you are driving yourself, park under a light and in view of the front door of the establishment. If the date is ending poorly or you feel unsafe around them, ask the host or manager to walk you to your car. Many will do that for you. The date could be the best person in the world, but a pinch of personal safety is worth it.

The Non-Play First Date

If your first date is not going to include play, what will it be like? Well, if you've done any dating at all, then don't be surprised if this feels very much like all the rest. You'll dress nice, with butterflies in your stomach and nerves on your sleeve. When you park at the restaurant or café you may cautiously look around hoping to see the person you are meeting before you go indoors. Once inside, those nerves increase as you meet eyes for the (maybe) first time.

Storytelling aside, the first date is always filled with nerves. You'll have some good conversation and hopefully good food too. Maybe you'll feel some sexual attraction and maybe you won't. But a good first date you should be ready for. Dress nicely. If you are driving to pick them up or to meet them, clean your car too. Be prepared to talk about yourself and ask questions about your date. Smile, flirt if you desire. Show interest in them. It's okay to admit you are nervous.  Try to relax and enjoy meeting someone new.

D/s or BDSM conversation may come up. You can decide how much you are willing to share on a first date. For many people who are looking for a power exchange relationship that extends outside the bedroom that can be an important compatibility just as much as what faith you are or if you dream of having children/house/dog.

Don't feel pressured to change your date from a non-play to a play one. Even if the chemistry is through the roof, you had a reason you wanted to meet without sex or play being on the table. Stick up for that decision. You can always make a date for the near future for play. That way you will have had time to negotiate what is going to happen, discuss limits and safe sex practices.

Other Articles about First Dates

The "Play on the First Date" Date

I have in the past spoken to the dangers of playing in the first date. I know them first hand. But with the progression of time I now know that there will always be people who feel that playing on the first date is perfectly okay. So, besides all the dangers I could talk to you about I'm going to try to shed some light on a positive first date experience that includes play.

Before the date you should make sure you negotiate what is expected to happen at the play date so that you can be aware of what might happen. Never go to a first play date blind. Agree to everything before it happens or don't play. Discuss safe sex practices and your limits for the first session. Keep things light and don't try pushing limits the first meeting. And try to avoid sub space if possible. You are most vulnerable in that place and can be taken advantage of (or worse). I'd advice that you avoid bondage the first time so that you can maintain some level of physical control if things turn ugly. (Be prepared is a good mantra.) Of course, in this scenario things will go according to plan but you still show protect yourself.

You'll be nervous and timid if you've never played before and probably less so if you are an experienced player. Don't let that stop you from having a good time! When you first meet your partner for the evening take some time to chat before jumping right into play. This will help you relax and have less sense of fear or anxiety. It also gives the person a real face and humanity rather than the face on the screen or the voice over the phone you've had previously. Let the attraction build a bit. And if there is no attraction then don't feel obligated to play. Just kindly tell the person you don't see it working out and leave. It's hard but playing with someone who you do not have an attraction to just because you are there and there was effort involved is silly.

Examine the toys and tools that have been brought. Say yes to the ones you are interested in and no to the ones you are not. If any look like they should be a one person only toy remove them (insertables especially unless you brought your own). Then, once all seems prepared and you've got your safety all set up you can play. I can't tell you exactly what will happen in ever session, but make sure that whatever you agreed to before playing is the only thing that happens.

In all things, my advice might help you relax a bit, but know that a first date is always going to be full of nerves. Having as much information before the meet will definitely help you relax a bit. Safety in mind with safe calls and safewords will add a bit more. And lastly, enjoy meeting new and interesting people. One of them might be the start of the relationship you've been looking for.