Dear lunaKM,

I am married to my Dom and I love him with my heart and always to the best of my ability do what he asks of me. I introduced him to this lifestyle and have tried many times to explain the roles we both have that keeps us both wanting to be our best and performing to the best of our abilities. We are falling apart and I'm so broken by the possible end of our relationship. The thing is I do my part 100% and all I ask for is that he respect me and treat me good, I deserve, earn and need it. Is there any way you could post an in-depth definition/description of each role?  I've tried to find it online but can't and I'm hanging by the very last shredded thread of life trying to keep us together. Please help me my heart is shattered and I'm completely broken and not in a good way.

Celest

Celest,

I can understand the heartache you have in your letter asking for my advice. You feel lost and desperate for something to answer your crumbling relationship. Unfortunately, I don't think all the definitions in the world can help you. No matter what I could give you for definitions of the roles in D/s that most important thing for anyone is to make their own definitions.

I don't say this to be cruel, but if he's not a Dominant then you can't make him be one. Just telling him what a Dom is and what a sub is isn't going to miraculously turn him into one. He has to want to do the work involved. You could talk until you are blue in the face and if he's not into being a Dominant then you can't change him.

You mention that he's not respecting you or treating you well and that to me has nothing to do with D/s. Your relationship has to start with trust and respect before D/s can be added on top of it. I think you need to start with the trust and respect issues before you worry about definitions.

I suggest you sit him down when nothing else is going to distract you and talk about your issues. Leave the D/s out of it and really talk about the basis of the relationship and what is failing. You need trust, you need respect you need to be treated a certain way. Ask him how you can both work towards getting what you need. Listen to him when he also lists what he needs from you. This is a two-way street. And if you can't talk about it now, what makes you think you can add D/s and get open discussion then?

If you are struggling as much as you say, maybe it's time to get some couple's counseling. A third party working for the betterment of both of you could help you open up and talk about the issues at hand. Once your marriage is solid perhaps you can add the D/s elements back in that make you both happy.

--lunaKM