Is it okay to only be interested in Bedroom BDSM? Does it make you vanilla- is it okay to describe yourself as submissive if you don’t into to be a lifestyler? Everything I read seems to describe D/s as an ‘all or nothing’ sort deal. What if you’re interested in being submissive outside the bedroom, but only at certain times where you and the other partner agree on, like on certain days, for instance? I've become afraid it’s impossible to find a person who is vanilla who would do that, or a person who isn’t vanilla who wouldn’t like, think you were a poser for wanting that. I’m just really confused, I guess, and I don’t know anyone in person in the scene to ask about it.

Your preference for how you go about BDSM is personal, just as everyone else’s. You can identify as a submissive if it’s just in the bedroom and no one will bat an eye. Just be sure that you clarify things if they start to ask why you don’t do x,y or z for your partner outside the bedroom. Yes, it’s okay to be submissive only in the bedroom.

Much of what you read will be relationship D/s. There is a lot of unique struggle and adaptation that is needed when you surrender outside the bedroom too, so there will be a lot of more information written about it. Don’t let that cloud your view. A bedroom submissive is still a submissive. You may have more limits to when you submit, but that doesn’t make you any less of who you are.

Negotiating when and where you’ll submit all comes with getting to know your partner. You might want to try and find a kinky partner, rather than try to suggest kink to a vanilla man. There are plenty of kinky people out there that don’t want to “do this 24/7 thing” and those that want established scenes and time periods for play and established roles. The rest of the time they just want a vanilla relationship.

I wish you luck in finding your perfect mate.

—lunaKM