Dear lunaKM,

I have recently come to terms that I cannot continue to allow myself to suppress my need to be a submissive. My issue lies with the fact I am now married. I love my husband but I'm not sure he has the ability to be Dom. I have fought my personal demons with this for years. Finally after years of suppressing that part for so long, my past Dom has offered to come forward and fill that void. I feel horrible that my husband can't fill this void. I guess my question is- can I still love and honor my vows to my husband AND Master when they are complete opposite and they both give me what I don't get from the other?

Dear Two Persons,

No, you can't honor your vows to your husband if he remains in the dark about your relationship with your past Dominant. You vowed to be honest and open and nurture your relationship with your husband and lying and cheating on him is not doing that. I strongly suggest you take a good look at what you may be doing to someone you say you love if he finds out that you are going behind his back. Why do you think he doesn't have ability? Have you talked with him about your needs and he's been unyielding? Would he be open to you having a second relationship? How do you know if you don't ask?

I can't condone secret relationships and cheating is still cheating. I'm sorry you feel torn between what you want and what you have, but you can't have it both ways and keep the blanket over your eyes. he will find out and you'll have to deal with the consequences, possibly ruining something you say you are trying to protect.

 

Dear lunaKM,

I am in my first real bdsm relationship. The guy seems perfect. He fits me like a glove. He is what I want for my forever and I think it is moving towards this. We have greed that the dominance from him should only be kept in the bedroom and outside of the bedroom we are equals. It has worked well so far. There have been two instances in which alcohol has been involved before our "play". One of these sessions went great, and the other went.. Poorly. He woke me up and told me to give him oral, as I started - he started smacking my face and head and then it turned into punching. After a few minutes I had to stop, I cried, he got me Tylenol and apologized over an over again. He sushed me to sleep. The next day, he didn't recall his actions. I am wondering if he is not getting enough control time with me that it made him lash out like that when alcohol was involved. Please help me understand better.

Dear mixed drinks,

Mixing alcohol and play is shunned upon in many BDSM social circles because not only does it loosen your inhibitions but you lose the ability to control yourself, stop sensing pain and lose awareness of your surroundings. I can't judge if your partner has an alcohol problem, but beating you under the influence and then apologizing repeatedly sounds like assault and could lead to repeated abuse. I don't think it has anything to do with not getting enough control of you. He let the alcohol drive his decisions and that's a dangerous mix. You need to talk to him about his actions and make some limits to play or sex when alcohol is involved for your safety and his sanity. If you really are meant to be together he'll want to make the safeguards to keep you protected and safe when he's drunk. And if he does have an alcohol problem get help.

 

Dear lunaKM,

My Sir and I are fairly new to this kind of play and are both loving it. Although, whenever we begin a scene, I often feel dizzy and somewhat nauseous. I think it's my brains way if dealing with the 'fear' if not knowing what's coming. I love that fear but I usually have to ask him to let me sit, change positions or even lay down because I feel like I can't breath right and may pass out. I hate interrupting the scene for this reason.  We aren't into anything really extreme, these are just simple and fairly mild scenes. Is there anything I can do to alleviate this physical response?

Dear dizzy,

Unfortunately I can't diagnose an issue as I'm not a medical professional. A lot of things could be causing your physical distress but only a full physical and talking with your Doctor can find out why you respond to stimulus in this way. It can be anything from locking your knees, standing still too long and blood pooling, to poor nutrition and so much more. See a medical professional to try to diagnose the issue. You don't have to give intimate details, but they've heard everything.

I once had to go to the Doctor because I started fainting when in a standing bound position for too long. I told my Doctor at the time that I was into a bit of bedroom kink and liked bondage. I described the position of my body and that after a certain amount of time I got dizzy, light-headed and often felt faint. He deduced that because I was not moving my legs the circulation was inhibited and that I should incorporate some light movements if possible or change positions more. He didn't even bat an eye. Trust me, they want to make sure you are healthy and can do the fun things you want to do. So please, go talk to your Doctor.