Dear lunaKM,

I'm an extremely dominant person by nature, but all my fantasies and arousal centers around subbing.  In reading your posts, I'm wondering if I really am a sub.  I definitely am not into the idea of service.  Shouldn't I be if I am into subbing?  I've certainly been accused of topping from the bottom.  I just want a man who can control me.  Who feeds me, bathes me.  Who has control, but is not overtly controlling.  What am I looking for, and how do I find it?

-the bad sub

Dear the bad sub,

Service is just one aspect of submission that some, but not all, submissives enjoy. You don't have to like service to be submissive. Figuring out what you are looking for means knowing who you are, and that's where your stumbling block is planted. Perhaps you should look at being a bottom first (short-term, for play only submission) where you still get to control some of what is going on during the session for mutual pleasure. Then you can go from there if you feel that isn't enough for you.

Read up on the many ways to submit, there is no one way or one size fits all. Check out the encyclopedia articles on bottom, submissive and slave.

Dear lunaKM,

I'm new to my role and my partner and I have been together for a number of years prior to him dominating me. After a particularly heavy session I have felt really emotional and shaky. Is this something other people experience, need to be able to control it if it happens again.

Dear emotional after play,

That is normal and a lot of people experience it. It is called sub drop. Sub drop is the physical and emotional side effects of endorphin and adrenaline drops in the body - especially after intense play. Unfortunately it's not something you can control completely but if you are aware that it might happen you can take great strides in reducing its impact on your life.

Dear lunaKM,

How can I attempt to explain to my wife why some forms of pain, such as spanking, are pleasurable to me?

Dear pain is pleasure,

I'd start with it academically. There is research you can use to explain why some people find pain pleasurable and how it works in the brain. Here's an article from Psychology Today that I think might help you discuss it with her. It's titled, " The Pleasure of Pain." Wikipedia goes on to discuss the brain centers for pain and pleasure. Finally an article by Kara Gavin, " Pleasure and Pain: Study shows brain's 'pleasure chemical' is involved in response to pain too" can help round out  your information for a decent discussion.

From there you can explain that as many as 1 in 10 people has some receptors for the pain/pleasure threshold and it's likely that you are one of them. Also, intimate pain, such as spanking is close to the genitals and can trigger sexual pleasure just by location on the body. There are many reasons why you personally enjoy some forms of pain and I hope that I've given you some information to talk to your wife so that it doesn't seem so unusual but rather a natural evolution in people.