Dear lunaKM,

My husband and I have been playing in the BDSM lifestyle for several months now.  I love the idea of this but have always had a strong personality.  I love to please him and want to be a good submissive to him but I fear losing myself or for it to go too far and lose everything.  Any advice would be greatly appreciated.  Thank you.

Dear afraid,

One of the key tenets of a healthy BDSM relationship is trust. You have to trust your partner not to go beyond your limits and push you past what you are comfortable doing. It's admirable to want to be a good submissive and I wish you the best in that, but it also means you both need to talk, negotiate where those limits are for you and then build the trust you need to know he won't go too far.

Always keep yourself in focus and I doubt you will lose yourself in your submission. Submission is about finding the best person you can be and enhancing that; not changing who you are completely so you wouldn't recognize yourself in the mirror. I'm sure your husband doesn't want you to change for the negative and that he wants to continue enjoying you as the person you are right now.

I suggest you sign up for my " Defining Your Personal Submission" ecourse to learn more about what you have to offer and how you can remain your own individual while submitting to the will of another. It should help.

Dear lunaKM

,

Hi there first of all I love your site it has been very helpful to me in the past I am hoping you can help me now. I am pretty new to the D/s lifestyle I have been very happily married for 26yrs, last year I discovered my submissive side and after talking to my hubby he agreed I could explore it with a Dom I had found online ( he is new to being a Dom, and I find he does not give me everything I need). Things were a little tense at first with hubby not understanding things but after a few months I have managed to get him to read some books and understand things better we have explored the D/s aspects in the bedroom ourselves. Hubby understands that I find it hard to submit to him the same way as I submit to my Dom as the two of them are very different  ( hubby had put a stop to me seeing my Dom for a few months but after the two of them talking agreed we could start up again ) my problem is my Dom and I have only been together once since we started back up, we have arranged a couple of meetings since , but I have had to ask him a couple of days before if we are still meeting as he has not contacted me he leaves it until the last minute to cancel, it takes me time to get myself in a submissive mode as I am a very strong person in my everyday life and job. since the last time he cancelled on me I have not heard from him it has been over three weeks and I am really struggling trying to keep my submissive side alive I am doubting myself and ability to be submissive. I have sent my Dom a message asking what is going on but I have had no reply, is it time to move on and find a Dom who is willing and able to give me  what I want and need??

Confused submissive

 Dear confused submissive,

You have to ask yourself one key question. Are you content to be in a relationship with someone who can't give you everything you need? You stated twice in your question that the new Dom you are seeing doesn't provide you with everything you are seeking in a D/s relationship. Do you then want to settle?

Also, can you really put up with the lack of contact when you are supposed to have a relationship with them? Even someone in an emergency has the chance to send a quick message. It sounds more like he's moved on and hasn't told you. If I were you I'd already consider the relationship over and consider seeking someone else or trying to figure out why you can't submit to your husband in the same way that you want to with others.

I'd like to suggest you attend a few local munches in your area and talk to real people living in BDSM relationships and learn more about it and yourself in the process. It might shed some light on what you need and how your hubby could provide more of it for you.

Dear lunaKM,

Ok...here goes nothing.  I have been interested in being a submissive for close to 20 years.  I am 38.  I have been separated for almost a year and my ex wanted nothing to do with even trying to learn about the life style or even try anything.  I thought it was just going to something I fantasized about until today.  I met someone on an online dating site (not aimed at BDSM) and he mentioned it in his profile.  After texting all day I was really looking forward to meeting him and actually getting a chance to experience things I thought I never would.  He wanted me to send nude photos.  I said I wasn't comfortable with that as we haven't met in person yet.  So now he's not sure he wants to meet?  After he was telling me how much he would love to introduce me to being a submissive.  I told him I am skeptical because I don't know for sure you are who you say you are.  So here I sit feeling so sad!!  Something in me was awakened at all the opportunities I thought I would FINALLY get to have and I have to wait for his answer tomorrow.  Is this normal?  His actions?

Dear refused nudes,

It's a sign of a poor Dom and a horny male that they want nude photos before you meet them. I would have asked him if he talks to women in a bar like that, "hey I need to see nudes before we have coffee," and see how far that goes. It's perfectly acceptable to have a limit such as that and I wouldn't send him nudes either. From what little you told me it sounds like he's more interested in getting you in bed, and if that's your goal then I missed it in this message. Uphold your position and don't give in just to provide jerk off material to someone you may never meet.

Good luck.