Mentoring, self-help and submissive exploration

lunaKM has been a full-time slave in an M/s relationship for over 10 years. She is the founder and editor of Submissive Guide. Learn more about her here and connect with her on, Twitter, Google+, FetLife.

6 responses to “Making Him the Dom of Your Dreams – Working With The Man You Have”

  1. Tad

    Hi Luna,
    I have seen a image with a lengthy quote about submission that described what I thought was a perfect summary of what submission is. Im going to paraphrase but it went something like this:

    Submission is not letting yourself get abused. Its about surrendering your body and soul to a dominant person.

    Submission is letting go, not letting yourself be walked on..

    Submission is and is not bla bla bla

    It had a picture of a submissive woman and it went on for like 6-8 sentences desribing what submission is and is not. I really liked it but never saved it and now I really need it because I have found myself meeting lots of vanilla women who are eager to be trained now that is so socially acceptable with 50 Shades of Gray. Even though, lets face it, the book is kinda not accurate. People in the lifestyle like you and I know guys like Christian Gray really want to be fucked in the ass by a Dominatrix with a strap on right??? But who cares the publicity of that book is doing wonders for my life and my kinky conversion crusade!!! Will you please help me find this image? It was circling around on Fet life and Collar me and now I cant find it. Will you help me please?

  2. Ambs

    So, what if he is dominant, like he always tells me what I should and shouldn’t do. Who I can and cant talk to. Very controlling over everything in the relationship. And their has been abuse in the relationship, many times over the 8 years together (been married 3). We have been together since I was 19. We are not in a D / s relationship, it’s something I really got into after 50 shades of grey trilogy, but I know thats not what consider the bdsm lifestyle to be like but have learned much more since researching and finding your site. I want to try it and when I told him about it at first of course he made me feel like a freak, I took notes from the post on here about introducing bdsm to a vanilla partner(or something close to that), and then a few weeks later he said he did research himself, but he still kinda makes me feel like l should be ashamed for wanting this and I guess I was thinking that this going to be a crue all for our marriage. The way you talk about communication on here, how much I strive for just that with him. He shuts out any feelings I have towards anything. All I have ever wanted was to make the man happy and I fail everytime. I’ve always been a giver, and I feel like I get nothing in return. I don’t know if I can’t make him a happy after all these years can I even be a good submissive to anyone? I don’t know what to do anymore! And im not expecting anyone to tell what to do, I know I have to figure it out myself. One confused lady…

  3. mraaa

    Ambs, I would suggest the possibility that he might enjoy “apologetic submission”. Consider that it may be that for you to make being “deviant” part of a fetishized communication where you sexualize being sorry for being such a “bad girl”, etc, could be a big turn on for him. Some abusers do in fact secretly hope their abused partner secretly likes it. Others are just people who are very lost and best left to find their own way with someone else.

    It may be that he needs you to like it, but needs you to be sorry for liking it. Also, it is likely that he is unaware that he enjoys it based on your info provided. His acceptance that he likes it and his ownership of his role in liking it is essential, in my opinion, for you to redeem anything positive from the exchange. If he truly looks at you with disdain and doesn’t see that your role is the compliment to his energy demands, he may very well become more out of control instead of redeeming the energy between you.

    Tread cautiously, an established abuser is not to be trifled with and may not be something you are ultimately comfortable unleashing.

    Of course that is all just speculation from some exchanges I have experience with.

  4. Skye

    Ambs, dear girl, you are not wrong in wanting any of those things. A string woman needs a stronger man, that’s all. What he’s giving back to you isn’t Dominance on the way that he loves you and wants to make you his, it’s honestly just abuse posing as care. I’ve been there, it’s not pretty. Let me guess, when it suits him, he wants you, he tells you it’s for your own good, that you deserve it all, but really he’s just using ‘Dominance’ as an excuse to hurt and belittle you. Be kind to yourself. A good Dom wants nothing but the best for his sub, and if you serve him well, he appreciates and respects you and those choices you make for him. Otherwise, and I’m sorry to say this, it’s just manipulation and abuse, dear. Take it from someone who spent a year being played with and hurt by a pseudo-dom. Be good to yourself. If he loves you, truly respects you, appreciates you and all the things you give him, then that’s Dominance.

  5. littleTes

    I’m in agreement with Skye. I lived in a psuedo-poly house with a Dom who was just using it as an excuse to be a dick to us girls. You don’t don’t deserve an asshole. A submissive is a beautiful, powerful woman (or man) who can truly give all of themselves for another WITH THE UNDERSTANDING that they will be 100% taken care of. That means emotionally, psychologically, physically, and of course sexually. Ask yourself the hard questions. Is he doing this for your benifit or his? Does he go through the Cycles of Abuse? How quickly can a scene switch up on you, not just in playtime, but in daily life? Can you even call it play, or does it feel forced and scary? The mental fk of abuse is that you don’t WANT to think about it, and you can rationalize anything. I’ve had my shoulder dislocated twice and kept on going. I’ve been in PTSD counseling. Maybe take a break, go on retreat, and just write for days. You deserve the best, and if he IS your best you must figure out what that means to you and why from a pros and con’s list made in a space separated from him… You can’t make a descreet decision from a hospital (mental or physical). Some people want a pretty puppet more than a spouse. Tread lightly, and carry a big heart…or gun.

  6. littleTes

    But back to OP, this is a very well thought out article! KM is right. We don’t need Cosmo or any other media telling us how to fix things. We need communication! D /s has added more openings for communication than I ever thought possible. Explore your kinks. Find like minds. And eease each other in. Not sure if you’ve heard of it or if I can promote it here, but the app MojoUpgrade is great for identifying similar kinks!

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