Dear lunaKM,

I just met a man that is a dom, I am very interested in this lifestyle but also VERY new to it. We are both interested in each other and are both looking for a vanilla life outside the bedroom. My question is how do I start a relationship without jumping in bed with him? We already know we share the kink factor and we JUST met and have talked about a lot of what are interests are in that area, but I'm trying to figure out how to do everything backwards I guess, talk about sex then get to know the other stuff, it's so confusing to me to start something out this way but I really think we could be very compatible and both want the same things.

Dear backwards,

Kinky dating is difficult because we do tend to start with the sexual and kink compatibility before we know if we'd even enjoy the same movies and hobbies. I suggest you talk with him about "forgetting" the sexual and kink talk for awhile and start from scratch with regular dates. As long as your conversations don't turn sexual or kink for awhile then you should be okay learning about each other.

Now don't jump in bed with him until you are ready. You will have to learn willpower and keep your panties on until you are ready to move to that phase of a relationship. Only you will know how long it takes to get to that point. I wish you luck.

Dear lunaKM,

Hello, I was wondering if you could help me here... I'm currently seeking a DD/lg sort of relationship but I have come up sorely disappointed in the availability of social sites for kinksters seriously seeking a relationship with the dynamic they want. I've tried things like FetLife but I found it rather... lacking. Is there any way for someone young to seek out this sort of relationship without having to worry about accidental backlash from the vanilla folk?

Dear seeking D/lg,

First, FetLife isn't a dating site. Sure people try to hook up and date via the site, but they also do that on Facebook too. If you want to go the online route you will need to use the alternative and kink dating sites. The largest, I think, is collarme.com but there are many others out there too. Just use a search engine and seek them out. Avoid the vanilla dating sites for now until you know how to disguise your request for a certain type of partner. I can't help you there.

Hi Luna,

I really enjoy your site and would often read your posts when I took my first steps into the BDSM world. I have since come out as a masochist submissive in a poly triangle to my family, friends and even people at my work.

While there are a lot of great sites and books available for BDSM newbies, and many a piece of advice about coming out, it seems to me that there is very little information directed at our vanilla friends and relatives. Some friends of mine struggled really hard to understand why this was so fascinating and fulfilling to me, and while we did talk a lot, they also wanted to read some stuff on their own (maybe also to answer questions they didn't want to ask me).

One very caring friend was also thinking a lot about how she could support me, and what the parameters are for a healthy consensual relationship, so she would be there if I ever needed help. My parents on the other hand struggled at first with the usual questions (whether they failed at raising me, whether I was in some way forced into this etc.). And they still face the question whether they want to be outed as well - by that I mean, whether my preferences should be / will be known by the extended family or their best friends. I sometimes feel sad when I realize that they probably don't have anybody to talk to, while my partners and I are quite fine being out in the open.

But most information, even the ones relating to coming out, is meant for kinky people and often contains way too much info, graphically describing scenes and kinky sex. This is both entertaining and educating for us - but I'm sure mum and dad did not want to know that many details. They want to be reassured that their child isn't crazy, that they didn't fail as parents, that there are other people in the scene who know what they're doing. Just as my friends want to be reassured that I didn't change as a person and that I'm still interested in all the non-kinky stuff I was interested in before my coming out. And they all need to think about whether they want to talk freely about their kinky child & friend (which they have permission to) or forever tread carefully if the subject of my relationship comes up.

So, I wondered if you or anyone you know has experienced a similar need for information when you came out, and what reading you gave to your friends and family. I know there's a book on this topic by Dossie Easton, but I haven't read it yet. I'm from Germany, and Dossie's book hasn't even been translated. There are tons of romance novels like SoG, and if parents can only choose between that or one of the How-to-handbooks or dry academic literature on BDSM, I'm actually surprised that my family and friends reacted so well! --curious consulting sub

Dear curious consulting sub,

You have a lot of guts coming out to your family and friends with such a huge bomb! I could never tell my family what I do behind closed doors and frankly I feel it's none of their business. But since you've gone out and told them you have to be prepared for negative responses because many people don't understand and don't want to understand.

I can't help you find books in German, you may not find that, but you can read them yourself and then talk to your friends and family to try and quell their concerns. Definitely pick up the book by Dossie Easton, "When Someone You Love is Kinky" as it can help.

I'm going to leave this one open for the readers though - can you give suggestions to curious about books and resources that are vanilla friendly?

Do you have a question or would like to get some advice? All questions are anonymous. Ask lunaKM!