Dear lunaKM,

I am a new submissive.  I have been in a relationship with my Dominant for about a year.  I am struggling because my Dominant wants me to explore and push my limits.  He knows that I have had group sex experiences in my past and that they were not positive.   He knows I don't want to have any poly relationships or group sex again.  In spite of knowing this is a limit for me, he continually asks me to consider it and is pushing me hard to explore group sex with him and another woman.

I want to be a good submissive and be obedient.  I want to please him and do not want to put our relationship at risk.  I am struggling.  I fear he will push me so hard that he will push me away and I will leave him.  Do you have any advice to help me be a better sub and accept my Dominant's decision without question?

Dear struggling,

The question I have for you is do you really want to push past that limit and include poly and group sex in your relationship? You say in the first paragraph that the group sex was a bad experience and it's a limit and then you say you want to accept his decision. What you need to know is if this is what you really want and can handle and are not just being pushed to do it and may regret it.

If  you feel you are ready to push your way through that limit then you need to sit down and talk with him about how he can help you work through your negative experiences and develop reassurance and confidence that he won't push you away. There is no reason why decisions to do it have to be made right away, if you work towards a common goal then when the time is right and you are both ready it will work.

Dear lunaKM,

I feel really rather embarrassed...I shouldn't have to ask this question, and I'm not sure if I am actually looking for the answer to the question I ask. I think it's more of a "help" than a question. Recently... I haven't exactly been a "good" slave. Starting with the fact I keep telling Him no. (Half the time over frivolous things.) But the other half because I keep "trying my place." I have always had a really curious nature and when I want to know things I typically go for it ("curiosity killed the cat; but satisfaction brought it back" -right?) Well, I keep wondering what it would be like to be in charge... For ME to be the "Mistress" -instead of my Master being the Dom. Annnndd He doesn't like that so much. I keep pushing it and asking for just a day to try it, just an hour, 30 minutes, 5 minutes? etc. And it has REALLY started to aggravate Him. I know it really isn't my place to want to try and CERTAINLY not to have the opportunity, but... I'm so curious...

He's not going to budge (not that He should) and I know He's not.... but I still don't know what to do to kill this curiosity or to find some way to fulfill it. Help?

Dear curious,

A lot of submissives are also switches in certain situations. Rarely do they switch with their own partners though. Are you a member of the local/semi-local community where you can find a party to attend and explore topping in that way? If face to face isn't an option, perhaps an online exploration in a chat room or on SecondLife.com?

Perhaps your Dominant feels his place is being threatened by your need to try topping? Also he's likely not submissive at all and has no desire to bottom to you. So pushing your curiosity could be making him uncomfortable.

I recommend you read about topping, learn more about the specific activities that interest you and that might help you calm your curiosity a bit.

Dear lunaKM,

I have been in a D/s relationship for about six months now. I have had comments from friends, family and even my therapist that I seem more content and positive...just plain happier!

I am wanting to tell my therapist why I am feeling more confident and happy. It is in no small part due to my relationship and the dynamics involved. I was in a long marriage before, and became depressed and isolated. Oddly, meeting my current Dom has helped me to feel more free and confident. He is strict, but not demeaning as my ex husband was.

I fear telling my therapist the details of my D/s relationship. She is very conservative, and I don't know how I would handle a negative reaction from her.

Dear confident and happy,

I'm thrilled to hear that you are feeling comfortable in your relationship. It's always a wonderful feeling to find the right sort of relationship style that suits us.

Telling your therapist might be an okay route, but only you can know for sure. I'd definitely leave the SM out if you engage in that. I'm reading a book currently that does a fantastic job at describing the relationship type as Leading and Supporting Love, instead of D/s. While I won't be reviewing it until later I suggest picking up a copy of Leading and Suppportive Love: The Truth About Dominant and Submissive Relationships (aff.) by Chris Lyon. Maybe share it with your therapist. It's written well, doesn't focus on BDSM at all and will probably sit better with a conservative person. I highly recommend the profiles section where the author describes what a leading person and a supportive person is like.

Describing your relationship as a leading/supportive relationship will show the therapist that you are still on equal ground with your partner and that your relationship style is that of a supportive and caring service sort and your partner is a nurturing guiding loving person. You don't have to even utter the words "in control," "domination," or "Master/slave."

  Do you have a question or would like to get some advice? All questions are anonymous. Ask lunaKM!