Mentoring, self-help and submissive exploration

lunaKM has been a full-time slave in an M/s relationship for over 10 years. She is the founder and editor of Submissive Guide. Learn more about her here and connect with her on, Twitter, Google+, FetLife.

3 responses to “Is The Influx of Bossy Newbies Killing Old School Traditions?”

  1. SassyBBWSubmissive

    I’m a newbie, exploring D/s exclusively online at the moment, just since last July. I see two sides to the author’s question: (A) Lack of respect and manners from new subs towards Dominants and (B) Lack of interest in the old ways. Correct me on this if I’m wrong, please.

    Respect and Manners:
    I consider myself to be an assertive woman, but I have and will always try to be polite and respectful unless not treated with the same. I have always had a submissive side and I have enjoyed the revelations in finding out more about this lifestyle and how it relates to me. Again, let me stress, this has been online to date. What I have been finding, for the most part, dominant men and women who don’t always give respect or use manners when dealing with submissives, their own or others, owned or not. There are those who are beautiful people, confident and secure in their dominant nature who have kept me smiling and seeking, of course and they more than make up for the former. To those who look at me as less of a person because I am a submissive, are rude, arrogant or disrespectful, they get this back. I’m not their submissive and they don’t get to walk all over me. Is this right? This is how I have approached people in all walks of my life and I will continue to do so. The Golden Rule is my guide.

    Lack of interest in the old ways:
    Those thoughts lead naturally into this one. Some may feel that, as a submissive, I am expected to put up with anything and everything that any dominant dishes out, whether he is my dominant or not. I am expected to kneel on entering a room, eyes lowered, speak only when spoken to, obey every dominant, etc. etc. etc. I’m going to say right now that I buck this system. Submission is a gift that I freely offer to one man. I don’t feel the need, the desire nor the compulsion to treat every dominant as I would treat my Dom. I don’t feel I need to kneel to everyone, to call them all “Sir” or, really, act with any of the protocol I’ve seen and read about. To those who want this? Kudos! Live your life as you see fit and you won’t hear me putting you down for doing so. Allow me to do the same, please?

  2. daddyslittle6

    I am in agreement with sassybbwsubmissive on this. I do not know how it used to be I only know how my experience is. I have a Dom installed already and I am sub to him alone. With the evidence of abusive, predatory types claiming a Dom role and no way to know how they psychologically deal with this ideology means as a general rule of survival I must make it well known I am a sub to a single Dom and will not show submission to other Doms because they proclaim themselves so.

    I deactivated my account on a certain site that was only created a few weeks ago. Via information coming from people involved in the scene there is discussion of an influx of these predatory types who will manage to climb in status in communities and therefore have been difficult to hold accountable for poor behavior which can be dangerous to a sub.

    I have a mix I am learning to deal with living as an lg in a DD/lg relationship and realized I was in a Dom/sub relationship for decades without claiming the role in words. My Dom expects me to be prepared to stand up for myself. However we have no intention of being involved in scenes or the social aspects of the lifestyle. We are contemplating the littles events. As a little especially my Dom has made it clear I will never be little with any other Dom. However outside of home and if we were around others who know how we define our relationship I would be expected to be submissive to my Dom and not leave his side so he would be the one keeping me in line and protecting me as his sub. I would only be allowed to speak if he gave me the permission and I would be very submissive in his presence which would carry over as respect to all others.

    I am also not allowed to be alone in any instance with others in the lifestyle because I am new, and I am my Masters prize. But he also does not want his prize harmed in any way. For good reason everyone is suspect. I deactivated my online account because I am getting nothing from the interaction or lack thereof. Perhaps the newer influx of subs who are more outspoken speaks to the change in everything. As is said in the answer from LunaKM everything evolves. The vanilla world has changed drastically, you are prey everywhere you go unless you are on constant guard and vigilant. It seems only obvious there would be changes in the lifestyle as well.

    I have also run into my own fair share of self professed Doms trying to sub me, or even worse Daddys trying to Daddy Dom me as well in a vanilla play space even having my profile say I am already claimed. I also discovered breaking into the life is not so easy. So perhaps those who have crossed that threshold and are part of the lifestyle over all are protected via the already guarded community. The newer subs likely have a lot of outside Dom interactions from people who are not old traditional Doms or those who were brought in via a contact and mentored by old traditional Dominants.

    My relationship is in flux and learning, but we are learning together with no outside interactions to speak of. The online account I had was futile because I was an unvetted outsider for one, for two I have no formal training and don’t know the particulars. But I am also unwilling to hand over training to a virtual stranger. Yet understanding the dangers of just being a woman I am even more cautious as a sub.

  3. BlankSkinCanvas


    I’m your disrespectful newbie errr at least at one point I was. To be fair I was kind of the captain of the newbies as First Lady of my local and one of the longest running TNG chapters in the US. And yes, I can say that I was educated on Old Guard, on protocol, on leather traditions etc. I’m lucky, the Carter Johnson Leather Library is local to me and I have gotten a private tour of the Leather Archives & Museum. So no, ignorance was not my issue. I was gonna stay quiet on this but I think a bit of perspective could help coming from the other side of the fence.

    When I say I was the disrespectful newbie realize I mean that I was flat out told that by members in the community, although it came out of the mouths of people that knew me well enough and with the intention of harming me. I was in a 5 year relationship, collared for about 3 of those years. And all I can say is that I honored the values of my dominant in my actions. Since getting out of that relationship though I have done the necessary introspection to understand why my actions deemed me that title and where my actions were stemming from. It hurt, but I’m growing because of it.

    You see, there were multiple reasons my actions lead me down this path. The first and foremost being the fact as a new person in the community I had a new dominant that I was following, I followed his ideals, however his ideals were not necessarily inline with the community’s beliefs. The second problem was that I was defensive because I was insecure in my own submission. Submission is a very vulnerable place and I was not ready for others to see me in that place so my guard was up. To a degree, I am still in this place but I am working on it thanks in part because I reached out to those that have been doing this a lot longer than I have. The biggest problem though was I was young, I was enthusiastic and that was misinterpreted. I never meant any disrespect, but I have a strong personality and I was boiling over with enthusiasm that went unchecked.

    I did a lot of harm to my own reputation, but it was never meant out of intentional disrespect. Now I am stuck trying to mend those fences and as I should because the other option is to run and hide and that is not a value I support. Thankfully I also value integrity so I was able to do this, others maybe not so much.

    Remember, our submission is a journey and for many it’s a rocky path. You can never “teach” someone who doesn’t want to learn, sometimes you need to accept that they aren’t ready for it yet. Be patient and meet them where they are at. And please don’t go chasing us around trying to beat information in our heads, realize we are just opening up to these new experiences; some bad, some good. In the beginning stages it’s about experiencing, refinement comes later when we can start to see our paths unfold. We will make mistakes as I did. Closing the door to us through judgement only causes a never ending downward spiral.

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