Mentoring, self-help and submissive exploration

lunaKM has been a full-time slave in an M/s relationship for over 10 years. She is the founder and editor of Submissive Guide. Learn more about her here and connect with her on, Twitter, Google+, FetLife.

18 responses to “[Video Post] Your Responsibilities As A Submissive Go Beyond ‘Obedience’”

  1. tequilarose

    Thanks so much for this article/video luna! This is something I have been spending a lot of time pondering about in my process to help myself become a better slave. There are so many times where I feel a lot of subs/slaves in the lifestyle opt to take the “easy route” and then wonder why they’re not being fulfilled. I have noticed that when I opt to take the easy route, it really eats away at me because I know I can do better and not only that, but Daddy expects me to put forth my best effort and to be proactive to His wishes. I can see this article opening up some eyes and making people think!

  2. SassyBBWSubmissive

    I have been enjoying a lovely online relationship with a Dom who I totally adore because he “gets” me. We see D/s very similarily which helps a lot, but he is also the opposite of me. Where I am emotional, he is balanced. Outside of D/s, he sees us as equals and treats me as such. within that relationship, he expects that I will still be me, submissive, but me. Because of the freedom he gives me, I’ve grown a lot in the past near-year I’ve known him. I was never passive, but even more now I look for how best I can serve and support him. I’ve allowed him more freedoms with me than anyone else because I trust him and he’s never betrayed that trust. To that end, I give him more than I would anyone else because I want to make him happy. In scenes, he knows my limits, but I will surprise him by going to edges I know he enjoys more and I find that very fulfilling.

    Yes, I’ve heard over and over that my position is “to obey” but I’m happy to say that, while obedience is a lovely goal and I’m not putting it down, I would rather give him someone to push up against than push over. He does have my obedience, but I also have my choice. I am happy to obey a command once I clearly understand it and once my questions are answered to clear that understanding. I’m happy to say that I have surprised him many times and hope to continue doing so. I maybe be submissive, but I live my life in color, not black and white *smiles*

  3. Lady Draco

    I tend to avoid these discussions. To me the job of obedience is the knowing what is expected and do it to get guidance. to Obey HIS or Her wishes and desires. Now for the fact that a submissive can do nothing without direct command makes the person a slave as they cannot think for themselves only his or her Master/Mistress can think. this is a sad state of affairs. and even a slave should be able to say you know He or She had a long day maybe I should offer a foot rub a bath or something to please them. Not wait to Obey like a dog trained to a click. However, when I think Obey I get his directions and follow then I don’t act like a brat in public to get his Attention. I don’t behave in a manner to get punished because I like being spanked. I should digress here no punishment should be what a sub enjoys but then I am sort of off topic. Yes it is our job as submissives to obey but not be mindless atomatons .

  4. masters_slave_forever

    I am so very new to all of this. I’m glad to find a site where I can learn! To me ,being obedient is important, but I live far from my Master. I have learned about myself, I am really a selfish person and very needy. At times I am still in the mindset that this is a traditional vanilla relationship. I say things like I want, or act selfish over the time he is able to give me. Which really adds to his daily pressures. I try hard to be obedient when he is specific with me bout things, but I am a person who needs to grow. I know that he would be happy if I were education myself in the D/s lifestyle, so that is what I do with a lot of my time. To me that is being obedient because I know it is important to our relationship. It is hard being so far away from my Master!!! Do you know how I can find basic information on the D/s relationship lifestyle. Protocols on things like that?
    Tank you for this site!

  5. masters_slave_forever

    Thank you Luna! I have been watching the videos and have received two of the ebooks. I told my Master about this site and he is proud that I am researching things and not having to be told every little thing to do. :) It’s funny how my happiness really does come from knowing that I have pleased him. Thanks again!

  6. WizarDavid

    Obedience is just a foundational principle as is Trust. It cannot be the sole responsibility, but without it, you cannot build much else. I would not want a slave kneeling at my feet all the time waiting for me to come up with things for her to do, but if she does not exhibit obedience as one of the basic virtues, she’s not being submissive.

  7. Dave's girl

    So my husband of 8 yrs has asked me 2 b his submissive and I said ok and have been trying 2 friend out how 2 do that. But being a submissive isn’t necessarily waiting 4 him2 tell me what 2 do its more about loving him and showing that submissively and also following orders/ commands when he gives them but also taking a bit of the initiative as well?

  8. gingersnap1128

    I really enjoyed this post. At first I thought that as a submissive this was the way it was suppose to be. It’s a few years later and I have discovered it means so much more. In my present relationship you could substitute the word submissive with the word supportive. That is what I find my role to be. I do carry out specific commands but it is my position to be observant and intuitive to the needs of my Master, O/our relationship, and to myself. To me a D/s relationship takes work from both sides to be successful.

  9. Andrew

    I completely agree. I think we have to take responsibility for our submission, and give 100% to the relationship. We have functioning brains, I hope, and we need to use them to make our Dominant happy.

    I think that blind obedience in all things is insulting to the Dominant, because it supposes a level of superiority on them that simply isn’t there. We are all human, and we all make mistakes. My wife should not have to be completely responsible for every aspect of our lives. Part of being a good submissive is to make her life easier, and sometimes that means shouldering the burden for certain things, and being strong when she is feeling weak, and being her rock.

    I think blind obedience should be encouraged for simple instruction that cannot be misunderstood—”make me a cup of tea.” However, for more complicated instructions, the important thing is to obey their wishes, and not just the letter of the law, even if that means questioning them. I hate to use a corny Star Trek reference, but I think of myself as her first officer.

    btw… I love this site! Thank you for making it.

  10. daddylil1

    hi luna, i have really learned a lot today and new to your newsletter, my Sir has stated that my one thing i am having issues with is obedience. if i cant get that in my head that we will not make it. so i have issues with listening to him and his requests and not sure exactly why or where my problem really lies. im very new to the lifestyle and learning every day. im a little lost and could use some direction. this helped me a bit and will continue to learn from you and others on this site.

    thank you so much!

  11. Mynameismyown

    Obedience isnt even required. I can see it in the slave category certainly but, whats really the biggest thing I found was being honest. Open communication and honesty are trully key. This is the case for any relationship, and though my own experience with D/s is limited I will definetly say that talking things out and being clear about your own needs are very important. This is neither easy nor simple. It requires explaining health problems, talking through any reasons for any personal limitations, really examining yourself.

    The other big key is taking steps to understand yourself. If you dont know yourself how is someone else going to deal with you to the most effective ways possible. I really mean this, knowing and understanding yourself is huge. You cannot communicate your needs if you dont pay attention to them, and you need too!

    The last key is two-fold. You should encourage the dom to be open and explanatory with their own needs, and be understanding of these. So the two steps, if they aren’t communicative and you are they might not be getting everything they need and fair is fair. If they arent communicative it becomes incredibly difficult to even build any sort of repetoir with one another. It becomes one sided, encourage the relationship to take into account both parties. You are both important(everyone is important in the case of 3 or more) and everyones needs should be met whatever the dynamic may be. Everyone gets imput. You need to remember to treat their imput as gold once you receive it. This, 1000x this. The growth is essential.

    Yeah, im a noob but the one time i was there i learned the important basics.

    Oh I forgot one, if its too much and you know you need to stop immediately stop it immediately. I mean this on the long term relationship and the short term. Call ‘red’ or whatever. Safety is first and you absolutely need to discuss these things…. Just my two cents not reading the other posts. From one really agressive sub. >.>

  12. Dom Etienne

    I appreciate your thoughts on “obeying”. I am honored to own the most thoughtful & compassionate submissive I have ever known. I love & adore her because she finds her happiness in being consumed with pleasing me. She takes pride in knowing my every want, desire & need. She is an alluring sexual creature who’s devotion to me is unequalled. Someone recently asked her if I made her wear her collar. She gleefully laughed and said “My Dom doesnt make me do anything…..I choose to worship him, it is my ultimate expression of my love for him”.
    Although we express it differently….it is all about love, trust & respect.

  13. Debbie

    I totally agree with you, my Master told me from the start that he needs to respect a sub to be able to dominate her and does not want a doormat, he wants me as he believes that I can bring a lot to the relationship and he can also learn from me.

    Debs x

  14. babe'

    Thanks lunaKM, I have learned so much from you and your website and other submissive’s from their writings. You will like the fact that I 100% agree with on this subject as my Mistress wants me to obey her commands but also wants me to do things on my own as long as it’s something for Her.. One time I cleaned up the kitchen on my own one day after i cleaned out he dishwasher (which was on my list that day) She liked it so much She has made it one of my duties when She puts it on my list. I find it easier to do since I have become her submissive /slave back in February. Another thing I do on my own is i have been helping Her get ready for her work and she just loves it,My Mistress calls me awesome when I help Her get Her things in the car and take it out of the garage for Her..She told me the other day I should just know what She needs and wants ahead of time!

  15. TryptiKat

    So well stated. So many people see subs as just furniture or mindless drones. No. We are the alphas of our society. We put more effort, care and consideration into our relationships than 90% of the vanilla world. We appreciate and respect our Dominants enough to NOT want all the weight on them alone. Thank you.

  16. RuddyPet

    I realize this was posted over a year and a half ago, but I just thought I’d add my two cents.

    I see two aspects of ‘not just obedience’ that one should be aware of.

    One is that, while obedience is important, a submissive needs to go beyond obedience, in a manner of speaking, by at least trying to understand why she (or he) has been given a command. Even simple commands, such as ‘fold the laundry’, ought to give a submissive a reason to think about the reason for the command.

    The other thing is that this is another one of those admonitions that is really just good relationship advice, for anyone on the sexual spectrum (vanilla or kinky). If you are really concerned for your partner’s feelings, then trying to anticipate their needs and wants, and being generally considerate in that way, will support your relationship. The ‘s’ side of D/s relationships is just a more explicit expression of that.

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