Mentoring, self-help and submissive exploration

Ted_subby is a 49 year old submissive to his monogamous dominant wife of over a dozen years. On his male submission web page at he posts fictional stories as well as a blog of his experiences with his dominant wife. Feel free to message him on FetLife or e-mail.

25 responses to “Male Submission – Fantasy vs Reality”

  1. bonimiss

    Another fascinating account of male submission @ted_subby. You explain your viewpoint very well.

  2. Jul 23, 2013 – A public beating | BDSM Ted_subby
  3. Cautious

    Sorry not sure if my msg was sent earlier my phone went off

    Hey I read your article and I have a question – I met a guy online and we started talking about bdsm but for some reason he stopped chatting to me online that was 6 months ago. I got a MSG from him yesterday saying he changed his phone and somehow my number got missing – he said if I was still interested he was an available sub – I told him I wasn’t experienced he said it was ok he has done all that can be done and his willing to eat my poop – that literally turned me off I mean my idea of a sub was spanking teasing strap on etc not extreme like pooing in his mouth shaving his hair slicing him with blade. I’m scared to send any replies to his messages – do you think I’m been too cautious

  4. lunaKM

    No, you don’t know him, he wants to do kinky things you have no interest in and he disappears only to reappear 6 months later. I’d say he’s a flake and you should find someone else. There are far too many red flags in this short comment alone for me to give that guy a time of day.

  5. ted_subby

    @Cautious: I agree with lunaKM, he does not seem like a good fit for you. I recommend sending him a reply that you are not interested.

  6. Mike

    I was really intrigued about by this article especially because I am new to this. I was just wondering if you would be able to give a place to start with. I don’t think what I want to do is to extreme just pegging, and spanking and just stuff like that.

  7. ted_subby

    Hi Mike,

    I recommend learning about the reality of what you might want. We can fantasize to the umpteenth detail but in some cases the reality simply can’t match the fantasy.

    In my view a good way to learn is to login to and find discussion groups which are appropriate for what you want. Examples are Novices & Newbies or Submissive Men and Women Who Love Them (uncensored). Find threads which deal with topics you like and take a look at the comments in those threads, as well as the sticky threads at the top of those groups. And feel free to post a comment in a thread there. FetLife is not a dating site but in my view it Is a good site to meet people, for friendship or more.

    I would also think about your expectations. It is very unlikely that you would log on to any site and quickly find a partner for what you are looking for. It takes time to know the reality of what you are looking for and to find a compatible partner.

    Another issue for male submissives (and I can’t speak on this regarding female submissives) is that it is not common to find a dominant woman who just wants to play casually without any sort of relationship. Often a dominant woman will want to get to know a potential submissive before engaging in any BDSM-related activity. I mention this because it is common for submissive guys to get frustrated in not finding a partner right away for casual play.

  8. dave

    I read your article and quiet clear enough, but what I have ran into it doesn’t matter how many times you ask questions to try to get a straight answer from this one completely non professional dome. She didn’t tell the truth to get things paid for for herself. I have never seen such a dishonest person in my entire life. I could ask a question to try to get the correct answer and the outcome depending on the area the question is relating to her response was “I ask all the questions ” If I would have been told the correct answers to my questions before and during the relationship I or we could have dissolved the relationship “normally”. She was owned by so many personality disorders that proper communication was not possible. Every human being has wants and needs, She has admitted to someone else that she also has sadistic personality disorder which now explains how she treats people. This was one woman that I tried to gain a friend in her ,but the only way it was possible I had to be either a permanent doormat for her to walk all over me . Or just a machine to put money in me whenever she wanted something from me. The only way anyone mattered to her at all was what you could do for her and what you had. I have talked to some other men who have gone through the same situation with her as me and they all went through the same experience as me. The only one who mattered was her . When you caught on to her relentless manipulations half truths and lie telling to get her way and emotionally swindle money from you I figures out that in a nutshell that’s what floated her boat so to speak. The more she could get over on you emotionally the more alive she felt. She cannot sustain any relationship because of it and if anyone can put up with that Im sorry you have to be a complete idiot to love that kind of abuse. When she finds out you have caught on to her ways that’s when her real fun begins I asked for the as she called it BIG DISCUSSION OR BIG TALK ,she made an excuse not to have it for three months for something else going on that she needed a day to talk. Well I gave her that much and leading up to the time period she kept treating me worse and we never had our discussion No closure to the relationship!!!!!! This woman is nothing but a sociopath plain and simple. It has made me look at this whole bdsm thing and relationships in general totally different now. I used to be an open giving generous person even to a stranger in need but this has changed me and the way I think now, I blame myself for expecting her to be honest with me, but I realize now to get what she wanted from everyone involved she had to tell lies to everyone and hide everyone from each other. Histrionic personality disorder Narcissistic personality disorder and her admitted Sadistic personality disorder owns her and is in control of everything she does to people. Sadly to say I still feel sorry for her, but there isn’t any help for her or ones like her.

  9. Mike woodard

    I personennely think there are a lot of people looking for a partner who are fetishist who have a few particular acts that they are interested in that call themselves submisives. Once the particular act seeked is found interest decreases or goes away for a period of time.

  10. Ted

    Mike Woodard: Yes I agree, there are many who identify as submissive which to them means wanting to submit to a particular act. I think it’s important when trying to find a partner to be open about what is being looked for, whether that’s a single act, a long term relationship, or whatever it is. Unfortunately, I think that there are some who are not open about the limits of what they are looking for.

    Dave: I am sorry that I did not see your response until now. It seems that you have found that there are some who are really very dishonest and/or have other issues, and it’s up to us to identify what we are looking for. Most everyone prefers or even requires honesty in a partner, and once dishonesty is identified it can be very difficult to trust that person again. And that is regardless of dominance, submission, or anything else.

  11. Scared.

    I’m only 28, never really been into this kind of thing, but I like the idea of someone dominating me.
    I’ve talked to a few friends and they say this new desire to become submissive is because of a sexual assault that happened in my teen years.
    That incident scared me, does that mean I want somebody to rape me when I saw I like being dominated?

  12. lunaKM

    No. Consensual D/s play is about surrendering control, not having your control removed from you. Most people will say that you feel more in control because you have so much open communication and trust with your partner that the fear and loss of control doesn’t happen.

  13. Ted

    @Scared: Desire can come from pretty much anywhere, whether that’s submission or anything else. In my view what is important is what you get out of it.

    As lunaKM indicated, submission as discussed on this site is about consensual submission and making informed choices about who you submit to, under what circumstances, and whether or not you submit at all. That is what makes this site so useful, helping each of us learn what might fit what we are looking for or what we might want.

  14. Malt

    This is really interesting. ‘Some people fantasise about things that they would not enjoy’ really hit a nerve with me. I started reading about this only the other day, after I got hit by a kind of…trigger. I found some girl online (really really hot) who wrote about looking for a male sub. I know about BDSM and like Kink etc, have done for ages. I immediately reacted ‘nah I don’t want that’ when I read her dating profile. Then, slowly, I started to think more about it. I am not a naturally submissive person and have been termed as arrogant and highly confident. I am very successful in life. Yet, I started to really like the idea, over time. Maybe it is just because she is attractive. Or maybe it is because I actually want this and suppressed it? I have no idea.

    More importantly, I’m a hard bitten cynic and really concerned about trusting someone that much… any suggestions?

  15. Malt

    Also can a relationship ever really come from this? Women are wired to like confident, powerful men, no? If a guy was a submissive with a girl in a D/S relationship, and it started that way, could she ever respect him at all enough to actually do normal relationship things with him??? That would include everything from hanging out, to watching a movie, to having normal sex.

    God this is weird, I never expected to find myself in this position.

  16. Ted

    @Malt: You bring up points which I have seen from others also, thank you for posting.

    There is a somewhat common thought that being submissive means being weak or lacking confidence in some way. It is important to realize, though, that submission does not at all equal weakness, and submissives run the gamut from A to Z just as those who are not submissive do.

    In addition, there are many types of submission. For example, someone may be submissive only in the bedroom (such as enjoying ceding authority to a partner only during play time) and they may also be very much in charge in their professional life or anywhere else. It all depends upon the individual. Some submissives prefer to be submissive 24/7, and that is okay too.

    From what you indicate, you would like to have a relationship which includes activities which you would not associate with D/s, such as hanging out, watching a movie, or having non-D/s sex. As it turns out, there is no reason that someone is not able to have all of those things within or without a D/s relationship. There is nothing preventing that.

    The key is to find a partner who would enjoy the type of relationship you would enjoy. That is true for any relationship, not just D/s, and it usually takes a lot of time to find someone compatible. What I have found is that most dominant women prefer a man who is able to have non-D/s-type relations (such as hanging out talking or seeing a movie together) in addition to their D/s relationship.

    Fortunately, there are a lot of dominant women who would want a submissive man if there is enough compatibility — not just D/s compatibility, but personal, friendship, lover, etc., that can all count depending upon the individuals. It’s a matter of meeting someone who is compatible, not easy and takes time.

    If you are thinking of your situation as weird, it may help you to know that there are a huge number of submissive men of all types, so you are not alone, and some of them feel unsure as you do. If you want to have discussions with others, then you may want to look into joining the free site I am one of the moderators of an active group on FetLife “submissive men and women who love them (uncensored)” and there are many other groups there, depending upon what you might enjoy. Ours is a completely non-hostile group.

  17. Malt

    Thanks Ted, and it is good to hear that this is not uncommon. It also makes me glad to see that most dominant women don’t just want some slave to bully (no matter how attractive the girl was, this would get old fast). This is funny, I wonder if this specific girl knows that she is causing this type of thing. I have thought about it and I am starting to think that it is something that I would have to try to understand and resolve. I tried to visualise and sense my reaction to things, and I found that the idea of being in a submissive (even only bedroom as you say) role with a woman who I DIDN’T kind of…well…envy, I suppose (for her beauty), is not immediately appealing at all. Perhaps this just tells me that I am more superficial than I thought I was. I will check out FetLife.

  18. Paul

    Thanks Ted for sharing the story and revealed some psychological aspects behind the fantasy and reality. I have a quick question and would appreciate your input. I’m a new Dom Top male, and I’m currently trying to establish a relationship with a submissive boy. I found my new sub boy who likes to scratch and pinch sometimes. Does this put his actions as Top behaviors? or does this only mean that he wanted to please his Sir? or should I use my power to lead him and publish him for not doing so, as there is a saying ‘top from bottoming’? This confuses me now.

  19. Ted

    @Malt: Good luck with your exploration, I hope it goes well. Pretty much all of us learn as we go, not only about the potential situations out there but more importantly about ourselves, and what works and doesn’t work for us. I think that often we are surprised by what we learn of ourselves.

    @Paul: I recommend talking with your partner about it. There are many possibilities and only by talking would you be able to determine his reasons, and you can discuss how to proceed in a way which works for both of you. Just as examples, maybe he enjoys being bratty just to antagonize you in a playful way and desires some sort of firm guidance, or maybe he is expressing displeasure which is best to bring out in the open through discussion, or maybe he wants to top from time to time in which case it is good to discuss it openly.

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