photo by falcon1961 (CC BY 2.0)
Like the vanilla world we live in, the kinky world is full of labels. And if you want to stir up a heated discussion, bring up “labels.” It is pretty hard to have a room full of people, talking about labels without someone getting upset. And rightfully so. A lot of people feel that labels put us into neat, little boxes. And they do – if you let them.
I have a love/hate relationship with labels. Labels tell the world who and what I am, in terms that everyone understands. If you saw me in the grocery store, you would see a white, female, mother of three. If you needed to ID me to the police, you would say “white, female, medium height with long, dark hair.” These terms make it easy for people to see and relate to who we are. Is it fair? Maybe not. Is it life? Yes it is.
Our lifestyle labels are no different. It is easy for me to introduce myself as a dominant and a masochist. Those terms allow me to easily tell someone who does not know me, how I see myself in this world. As they get to know me, they will learn that I started as a bottom, tried out being a submissive, realized that I like pain but I do not like to submit THEN learned that I was actually a dominant. And, if they never learn that, who cares? They are obviously not that close to me. And, to be honest, I really do not care what label someone may use to identify me. But I am lucky, I was born in the body I need to present myself as my heart and my mind see me.
For others though, the story is different. A lot of people have struggled with gender identity, sexual identity and even BDSM identity – for those people, automatically choosing their label may represent something to them that they have fought or are currently fighting to overcome. So, assuming that someone with a pretty necklace is a collared slave might be a huge mistake – that person may be a dominant who just really likes the piece of jewelry Or, thinking that the person taking charge of the munch is a dominant because of the way they command the room – that could be wrong too. It could be a submissive whose job is to do just that. The examples are endless.
Will you “choose the wrong label” often? At first, yes. In time, maybe not. But, the key to all of it is this: don’t assume anything. The best impression you can make is by representing yourself and who you are and then waiting for someone to tell you who they are and how they identify, if they even choose to disclose that much information.
Ultimately, I will probably always sit on the fence when it comes to labels. I believe that if used properly, they can be helpful – easy, little words that tell a lot in a few letters. I also see why people do not like them – after all, I am more than an easy, little word. But, I do think that if I choose to put a label on myself, one I have selected for its relevance to me, then it is much better suited for me than my not choosing one, thus allowing someone else to do it for me.
So, when you introduce yourself to me, I will tell you that I am a dominant, a masochist, and a sitter of fences – when it comes to labels.
My name is lunaKM and I’m a full-time stay-at-home submissive in a D/s relationship.
I started blogging when I was exploring D/s online in 2003. I needed advice, mentors and helping hands. Since then I've made it my mission to help novice submissives understand themselves and the services they wish to provide. 
Wonderful essay on labels. I tend to think it is a stage we must all go through until we realize that that humans do not fit into nice neat boxes until the end. I tend to think of the common labels as a collection of personality traits and if I fulfill enough of them, I can call myself that. At times, the word submissive applies to me and at other times slave. Although since I am LDR with Sir, some representatives of the Kinky Police deny me that label. I have yet to see a badge yet or the jail. And there is a danger in accepting a label as a finality. We grow and change and learn and as you also found out, submissive today can be Dominant tomorrow.
If the words we use are not considered distinct, classifying terms but fluid, fuzzy terms, I believe it is safer. It is only in communicating with others that I need an identity but I am much more than my kinky “label”. I am a person first who has a wide variety of personality traits, some that are readily apparent, others you need to get to know me better to discover. There is a danger in thinking me first of the label and a person second … I may not wish for you to know the person if the first words I hear condemn me.
Labels are important until they aren’t. When we are young we identify with labels until our self image is absorbed. This means we identify as nice, kind, caring, smart, and have value because… The why’s are just as important as the labels and vary from one individual to another and dependant upon our experience. When we begin to change our identity especially to one that isn’t valued in general society. We have to reformulate our internal or core vision of ourselves to accommodate these changes. And also to guard against attack to protect the infant vision of ourselves. This is why labels are important until they are no longer important. Because we have absorbed our new image.
I wonder if the problem with labels is that we generally think of them in one dimensional terms – except I guess that’s the point of a label, to make something one dimensional, and therefore easier to file away. This obviously doesn’t work where people are concerned, because we’re so fluid, individually and collectively. Maybe as long as we keep that in mind, then using labels wouldn’t be so confusing?
Maybe someone should develop a Meyers-Briggs for BDSM… :-)
I don’t like labels, but sometimes they are useful. I am also an artist, designer, historian and so on. That’s a lot of labels. In the end, I am just “me”, Master’s pancake.
Larissa
Gotta love it when a new term comes to light because of someone else’s story. Thank you “Conquer Me” by Kacie Cunningham!
that story had a lasting effect on me…
Me too.
Here, here .. for pancakes. I say exactly the same thing to Sir. I am me.
Nice article. Some people get all wrapped up in labels and I can understand that because especially newer people want to make sure that they are using the right words.
My very first FetLife thread I began asking about a D/s situation. I was practically shouted down and made to feel like a fool. Well, let me restate that because I like to be made to feel like a fool consensually. Anyway, the moderator then asked me for clarification and found that I used the incorrect label and meant to say BDSM instead of D/s, where the apparent interpretation is that D/s is about relationships while BDSM is about play (that was their label). Once that was clarified in the thread it became a fun thread with no more vitriol so I was glad for that.
Labels have their use, but they are overused and become abusive. A label should never be a dominant! heh. By that, I don’t think it is ever a good idea to alter one’s behavior to fit one label or another, and labels should never be used to either brag or demean.