Mentoring, self-help and submissive exploration

LadySneak is a moniker that she uses both on Fetlife and LitErotica. She is a real life submissive with 12+ years experience both online and real life. She struggles daily with agoraphobia.

9 responses to “Developing Trust in Your Dominant and The Proper Use of a Safe Word”

  1. tori

    Really enjoyed this article but i think its worth mentioning that sometimes a safeword can be relied on too much and that there are circumstances in which a safeword is not able to be communicated.

    For example, my Master and i engage in s/m and quite often i am gagged and bound with no way of communicating if there is something wrong, in these circumstances it requires that he is extremely vigilant, constant checking of circulation, pauses etc. Holding something in the hand didnt work i would constantly drop it.

    Also another factor worth considering is that sometimes when a sub is in subspace (this happens to me) i am in my own bubble, i can barely comprehend what he is saying and sometimes i am beyond realising how far i am being pushed to the point that once when he was caning me i complained when he stopped because i was ‘floating’ and enjoying this sensation it wasnt until he untied me and i looked at my ass that i realised much more would have caused permenent damage, i have to trust in him to monitor me and the situation more than i can trust myself.

    I think safewords are important but i also think its important to not rely too heavily on the sub being able to recognise when it needs to be used because she may not realise herself.

  2. tequilarose

    Thanks so much for a great article! My Master and i don’t use a safeword. i snap my fingers because Master won’t always recognize me saying something as i am usually rather vocal during a scene. i am extremely lucky to be able to say that Master and i are so well in tune with one another He can tell when i’ve had enough even if i don’t think i have had enough. i really have to agree with what tori said about how one can not only rely on safewords because the sub or slave will get too far gone in subspace and loose contact with what’s going on in reality and if the Dom/Master aren’t paying attention to what’s going on, then some serious, long term damage could take place.

  3. Leopardpet

    Thank you for the article, reading it made me think a lot of the ways me and my Master (my girlfriend) use our own safe word system. We do all our scenes, or playing as we call it, in English. If either of us in the middle of it changes language to our native one, that’s the ultimate cue to stop everything.

    I understand perfectly what you mean by an off day, I had one few weeks ago and I could only take about 10 hits… I felt ashamed for using our safe word system, but she was of course complitely okay with it. I was just beating myself up over it for few days. We also understood that a few-week break between intense scenes is important.

  4. d1amondsea

    My master and I are in a 24/7 M/s relationship and do not use a safeword. We are very symbiotic and comfortable, however, he is concerned about pushing forward in some realms of our shared kinks whereas, I really wish that he would. I was wondering if it is perhaps a good idea if we instilled a safe word so that he would believe that my boundaries are not being crossed etc. How would you entertain a conversation about increasing the intensity of play with the introduction of a safeword? Or does anyone have any other solutions/ideas/suggestions to my conundrum.

    Thank you.

  5. lunaKM

    @d1amondsea – It really depends on how long you’ve been in the relationship and how well you communicate during a scene. A lot of long term relationships drop the use of a safe word because they have learned how best to communicate while playing. If, however, you feel that it would be a good idea to use a code word instead there is nothing wrong with that.

    As to how to broach the subject, you do so any way that you normally bring something up to your Dominant. Perhaps you just sit them down and tell them of your desire to push your boundaries in certain ways and that during those scenes you’d like to employ a safe word until you are comfortable with them. The relationship is about mutual needs and wants being fulfilled to the best that you can so he should want to work with you to meet those mutual kink boundaries. Open up the lines of communication and see what comes from it.

  6. d1amondsea

    @Lunakm

    Thank you very much for that insight. You are awesome. :D We have been in a long term 24/7 relationship for quite some time. Yet actions over words are my strong suit. I brought it up to my Master and it resulted in a new deeper dynamic in my submission. Funny how a few words do that. Anywho we have decided on a safe word for Him to understand that He can truly dominate me without as much concern and that in His training of me has been successful. (I am no longer the gentle flower I once was. :)) This way instead of Master guessing when I am uncomfortable/hit my limits/or am overwhelmed, I will be able to signal with a safe word. Thusly more kinky happy time for the both of us.

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