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lunaKM has been a full-time slave in an M/s relationship for over 10 years. She is the founder and editor of Submissive Guide. Learn more about her here and connect with her on, Twitter, Google+, FetLife.

7 responses to “Don’t Touch Other People’s Property: The Golden Rule at BDSM Functions”

  1. Phaedraa Rose

    i had a similar experience several years ago. i went to the local dungeon with my now ex husband. There were a couple of Doms that i went there to play with on a regular basis and the ex just liked to watch and flirt with the other subs. It was no secret that i was free to play with whom ever i wished and i always made it clear that whenever i agreed to play with someone i “belonged” to them for as long as i was there. One night i had just finished up an intense scene and was waiting for the Dom that i had been playing with to return from putting away his toys and cleaning up the play space. i was still floating in subspace when i was grabbed from behind, a heavy hand wrenched my head back by my hair and i was being dragged backwards towards a more private and secluded spot in the dungeon. i started to panic because i had no idea who this was or why this was being done to me. Fortunately the Dom that i had been playing with earlier in the evening saw everything and rushed over, followed by a couple other Doms and the DM.

    Turns out this was a Dom that i had spoken to on several occasions. He had expressed interest in playing with me, but i had always refused because i had heard that he didn’t like to respect limits and safewords. He saw me playing that night and wanted me and knew that i would refuse, so he caught me when i was vulnerable. He was asked by the to leave the dungeon and told not to return. The Dom i had been playing with followed the guy out the car and ended up punching the guy.

    That guy and a lot of others that i have came across, honestly believe that they have a right to any and every submissive that acknowledges their presence. i have also been told on more than one occasion that because i am submissive that i don’t have a right to turn down any Dom that requests (or demands) any form of service from me.

  2. JPsub

    This goes for any relationship, BDSM or not. People do not realize that someone is uncomfortable with a situation, but still do it anyway until another steps in. Some people look for others when they are not happy with what they have. They look to see what is out there, even though they may not touch. People troll to see if they can get what they are looking for. Sitting at a bar and talking to the person next to you to see if they are interested. A person who wants an affair, one night only sex, a consent for a threesome. Novice or not, personal space was invaded by the man. It is one thing to give a polite hello or a hug when meeting, but grabbing onto a wrist is abuse, especially when a person tugs away.
    My Dom is a look, but do not touch. I can look as long as I do not touch. I know who I belong to and so does he. My Dom protects what is his and would come down on the other should this happen. He has told his friends/others that I am very protective of him also and do not underestimate me. I do not care if he has women friends because some he has known for years. When I do not know a person, I perceive them as a threat until he tells me otherwise or I become more comfortable around them.

  3. selkie

    I was going to say that this is one of the reasons why I don’t attend munchrs, etc. Except it happens at vanilla functions all the time, too. A few years back an acquaintance at a very vanilla Halloween party started coming on to me (well, every woman in the room actually, he was drunk as a skunk). My Master was allowing me to handle it at first, but after I left briefly to go out the car and fetch a sweater for myself, and this man followed me out into the dark parking lot, my Master excused himself and quickly followed.

    Well, this man came up behind me and sterted pressing me up against a car, when my Master grabbed him, and punched him square in the nose, knocking him down. The manstaggered up, with his hand at his mouth and nose, and scurried off into the dark beyond the parking lot, never to be seen by any of us, again.

    The guy just wasn’t taking no for an answer, and my Master layer told me that every time the idiot tried to put his hands on me, he’d look my Master right in the eye as he did! Had I known that little tidbit of information at the time, I would have brought him to Master right then and there, without caring what everyone around us thought. Or, maybe I wouldhave taken some satisfaction in treating him to a dose of pepper spray, and a kick to the ‘nads.

    Just goes to show you that douchebags are everywhere… :-/

  4. Mrs. M

    I have a question – perhaps a silly one – but are rules different for two subs? For instance (assuming your Dom is okay with it), is it okay for two subs (who know each other) to converse and hug, etc, but yet more offensive for a random Dom to come along and touch a sub that isn’t his?

    -Mrs. M-

  5. ian

    im not expecting to be in such a situation any time soon but what about orgies? i have heard both fantastic stories and bad ones but there seems to be no rules at all in such a place. am i wrong?

  6. MrsMuir

    I recently had an experience like this at a swinger hotel party. A very intoxicated woman came up to me, grabbed me by my collar, stuck her hand up my skirt, and grabbed my lady bits! Her husband was standing right there and seemed amused by her drunken antics. My Sir said firmly, “No touching!” and maneuvered me away from her. Her behavior was horrible, of course, but I was really shocked by her husband, who would allow his wife to 1) get that intoxicated and 2) touch someone so intimately without their permission. They were not a D/s couple, so of course they don’t understand that I am my Sir’s property, but they should understand basic manners!

    I wear a stainless steel collar 24/7 (my Sir has the key), and I have actually had people at functions feel that they could just grab it. Of course, I have also had polite people ask my Sir’s permission to touch it, because they are always interested in the locking mechanism. By obviously identifying myself as a submissive, I do fear that some ignorant people feel that I am “fair game” to touch or do what they want with. Some people don’t understand that I am my Sir’s submissive, not the world’s submissive.

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