I just had a very good experience watching one of your videos about submission, it was the one about subspace on your youtube channel. First of all, I'm sorry about any grammar mistake in my writing, I'm an Italian girl and I don't have many chances to write english except for my job.

I have a somehow strange BDSM relationship because both my Top and I found out it was what we wanted sort of while being together, so, it's the first experience for both.

So, subspace, I got immediately what you were talking about because I've been there a bunch of times already. I really need to have that feeling now and then; of course not necessarily every time like you say in your vid, sometimes it's just right not to get there. Still I can't free my mind with meditation anymore, I tried every kind of meditation, and before this experience I could reach a peaceful state while meditating; now it simply doesn't work. I get nervous; it's not what I want. What makes me that nervous is that orders from myself or someone that is not him simply make me feel uncomfortable. In my personal experience, the best way I have to reach subspace is psychological domination (I hope it gives the idea, anyway I mean psychological pressure through orders), he can be very manipulative and that aspect of him is right what I would need at the time being. I think I did or I'm doing something wrong... I know he doesn't want to see himself as manipulative, and I would never ask him to, still I have a feeling he thinks I could want to reverse roles, which is so far from me that I can't even begin to imagine it... everything I need is him to give me orders, even stupid ones, but I need it desperately, and lately it has started to look more like a normal relationship, I know he enjoys giving me orders, so, could you somehow help me understand what kind of behavior on my side could be harming the nature of the relationship?

If it can help, about a month ago we had a discussion where he was pointing the finger on me not being myself. This I understood exactly, He kept telling me before that he wanted me to be active and I took it as strong (which I'm not)... we used to play on fb he uses his manipulation to get others nervous sometimes, and I tried to follow him by doing the same... that's when he started telling me I was trying to be him and to take his place. I got into a deep crisis and didn't know what to think and what to do... I stopped immediately doing what I was doing and he started calling me on posts here and there to show me what he was doing and how people reacted, I love it to see him that way and it gives me very good feelings, plus it allows me to be myself which I can't be by getting involved in the situation.

Hope you will have time to give me a hand.

Katia

Greetings Katia,

Sometimes I have the pleasure of assisting Luna in answering some of her emails, especially ones needing advice as I write the column Ask SehAnru on Submissive Guide.

With that said what I am seeing here is confusion between focus and subspace for one of the issues going on here. Subspace is great and all but when we are in subspace, we really aren’t there mentally. Sometimes that is great to surrender yourself, but isn’t very useful in everyday life. It sounds like you are having some anxiety issues because you are trying to do too much out of character. Which from what you said, your Dominant has already addressed. Our Dominants don’t want us to be like them, they want to help us make who we are more confident and then help us grow in the direction that we want to grow in. The important thing to remember is that our Dominants don’t know what direction that is unless we communicate with them.

As far as needing to calm your mind and focus, here are some suggestions that I have: Martial Arts, exercise, journaling, gardening, color, and crafting just to name a few. These work because they give you a goal to accomplish, a way to express yourself, and an outlet for emotions. You do this for yourself, for Him.  It is not so much about freeing your mind as that is more about subspace which is working with your Dominant, but deflecting your mind to focus upon other things yourself which the end result is relaxation and calmness.

Being that you are both new you have to expect bumps in the road. Especially since He is still learning what it means to be a Dominant. I understand the feeling of neediness and dependency, but that should not be the direction you should go in. It’s very destructive to you, and your relationship. But again, the most important key is communication with your Dominant.

Happy Submitting,

SehAnru and Submissive Guide