Mentoring, self-help and submissive exploration

Ted_subby is a 49 year old submissive to his monogamous dominant wife of over a dozen years. On his male submission web page at he posts fictional stories as well as a blog of his experiences with his dominant wife. Feel free to message him on FetLife or e-mail.

27 responses to “Initiating a Discussion About BDSM Interest with a Vanilla Partner”

  1. Laney

    Great article! Welcome to the Submissive Guide!

  2. little e

    This was great advice; and inadvertently, pretty much how I brought up the topic with my spouse of 14 years. I initially told him that I was interested in a little light bondage and left it at that. A few months later when we were at a RenFest (with the kids, no less! but they were watching a puppet show with family friends), my spouse brought me to a booth that sold leather cuffs, light floggers, etc. and bought me some beautiful leather/metal handcuffs. We started using them, and after a few months I asked him what he thought about D/s. He was hesitant because he said he did not want to abuse me, so I dropped the subject for a couple of months. We still used the cuffs intermittently, though. Then about 2 weeks ago, he slapped my fanny a couple of times during lovemaking, and I decided to take advantage of it, and brought the subject up again in a letter telling him of my deepest desire for him to use me as he saw fit because I knew I could trust him with my heart, soul and body. He had a very positive reaction, and we’ve been exploring the internet and have purchased a couple of introductory books and hashing out some guidelines for how we can explore this side of our relationship in a Safe, Sane, and Consenual manner. I know this is just one anecdote, but this method did work for me and my spouse. So kudos to your for your great advice!

  3. mariza

    OMG!!! THANK YOU, THANK YOU, Thank you…
    i have over the last few months began to realize my desire to be a submissive. I’ve spent almost 6 years in a fairly vanilla relationship with my boyfriend and i haven’t be able to find anything that truly addresses how to bring up my desires for a BDSM D/s relationship to him. he is extremely important to me and i want to bring this up to him in the right way so that we may both hopefully, * fingers crossed*, move forward with this and truly enjoy it together.

  4. abc123

    thank you! i’ve been trying to find an article like this for ages! am going to try it soon

  5. FatherJon

    Interesting article. I might also suggest that, with the loosening up of movies in which ‘the topic’ arises, a trip to a film like ‘Secretary’ and ‘The Devil Inside Me’ or watching the relevant spanking scenes in TV shows like ‘Weeds’ ‘Californication’ etc provide an easy opening to a discussion with your sub-to-be, hopefully:-)

  6. Scott

    Adding to tips.. Talk to your partner asking about any things they may like post orgasm or during light foreplay. As someone who likes to be dominant I start out with vanilla sex and make suggestions. I might tell a story of what I like about giving oral pleasure to the woman while playing out every action I suggest. I’m taking control in a non threatening way. If she wants to tell me what to do I’ll listen to her and, teasingly, do something else, then tell her to say please. No matter how long I’m down there I won’t push inside her until she asks me to and make her say please. From there I might just roll with vanilla sex and when we’re done and cuddling ask her if she liked it when I took charge doing foreplay and continue the conversation.

    As a sub you could do the opposite pleasing him/her with your mouth and suggest that you just want to please him. Ask him/her to tell you exactly what to do. When finished say, ‘I like it when you take control like that’. I talk about sex any chance I get so it’s natural for me to talk about it any time but sometimes it’s easier to roll with actions that are very vanilla but suggest taking control or submitting to your master and can lead to conversation when you are both relaxed, and lovey while cuddling. It’s hard to get freaked by anything in that state too!

  7. CrunchBucket

    This article was exactly what I needed to read! I recently gained enough courage to discuss, that I had liked, something my partner had done on a whim. This whole experience is untried, sub vs Dom, and new to me and him. I’d been feeling confused over broaching the subject to him for so very long. Things are looking up! How liberated I feel reading this post.

  8. ted_subby

    @crunchbucket: I am glad that the article is helpful. I hope that things continue on a very positive note for you and yours.

    I frequently see on FetLife comments from those who are afraid to talk with their partner about their kinky desires. It seems to be an extremely common issue. It can be tempting to offer “Just talk with your partner about it” but that is sometimes much much easier said than done. I think that it is almost always a good approach, if done in a sensitive way, but I have actually encountered one or two situations with others dealing with serious illness of their partner or other circumstance making this discussion not something right for the couple at the present time.

  9. crunchbucket

    I’m not really certain if what I need is considered “kinky”. It’s been five years for me and my partner, with great moments that I’ve felt secure and really low moments where I didn’t. It was hard to say that I didn’t feel in control because of his lack of it. I realize now that by putting off the subject and not saying anything at all, the only thing I managed to do was create more doubts and insecurities and really confuse him and myself with how I was acting (strange, moody, aloof…a crazed woman). I really took the time to figure out what I needed to say, to stop the confusion, and instead decided on a letter approach. So far so good. Now that I’ve opened the subject of my being submissive I feel more confident in being able to go forward.

  10. ted_subby

    @crunchbucket: That is a good first step. Depending upon the relationship and the circumstances, it can be very difficult to open up to a partner, and the lack of communication can lead to confusion.

  11. blueeyedneedingdom

    I have been with my husband for 18 years. He is my first my last my only. We have a very vanilla sex life. When I was working midnights I would text him random things about our sex life and how I wanted him to take control and take me to levels of satisfaction that were unimaginable and through text he was all game and on my off nights he would slowly move more towards being mysterious and dominate then all the sudden it stopped. It seems he gets extremely excited watching me when hes pleasing me but backs off as if he is afraid to awaken that side of himself even though I am physically emotionally and physiologically begging for it. I need him to explore with me there are only so many ways I can beg for it. I have made it clear that I will never be truly satiafied until I know my limits and have been taken past them. I am a shy person and I think this is why he is hesitant. Help me I need to get him to understand that I love and trust him fully but there is so much missing we both could be experiencing safely without judgement.

  12. Ted

    For some people it may be helpful to type out an introduction to a conversation with your husband, because I believe that it is best to discuss these things directly and privately, during a time when neither of you are distracted. I think that the goal of the discussion would be to understand his desires and concerns about all of this, and also how important this is to you.

    Not with any sort of ultimatum, just talking as you have been doing for 18 years.

    Also, he may want some sort of assurance that this issue is not at risk of breaking up your marriage, as this is sometimes a concern for some whose partners express kinky desires. If this is not “I will leave you if you are not kinky with me” then be please about that.

    There could be many reasons why he is taking his current approach, and understanding those can help you both get to a good place for both of you. It may take time, depending upon the ability both of you have in communication difficult issues with each other.

    I wish you well.

    -Bluebonnet1′s Ted

  13. fragilefrustration

    This is really helpful. My issue is the talk of explaining that I want to dive a little further into my submissive role and my desire for him to be more dominant. My spouse has responded well to the small suggestions I have made and talks we have. This is his first dip into BDSM and I can tell through our experimentation that he also prefers and enjoys a submissive role as well as a dominant. While I do not enjoy being dominant. At All, but have found he learns/understands what I want better that way. I don’t want to deter him, since he is so open to it. But I don’t know how to express my desire for him to take control and be the dominate one in, since I am the one with more experience in this area. It makes me feel selfish, but I know what role is satisfying to me. I am afraid by not participating in the roll reversal he enjoys it will deter him. Any advice?

  14. lunaKM

    First, have you talked with him about his switching? And is it really switching or does he just like to enjoy the kinky activities that you both do? You can be Dominant in nature and still enjoy being kinky in the bedroom from either side. Every relationship requires open communication as I’m sure you know, so talking to him about your preference not to be in control ever would be a first step. Ask him how important it is for him to be the submissive one on occasion and as I said, see if it’s just exploration or if it’s a need. Then go from there. After all, until you hear it from him, it’s all speculation.


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