I was once chatting with some friends of mine who had mentioned that they were unable to find “their One.” Now, some of these friends are tops; some are bottoms. But all indicated their lack of ability to meet a D/s partner that fit them well.
As I mulled over the conversation, I realized that I had often heard those complaints/observations-and from people who truly seemed like they would be a great catch. Then I started to think more about it and wondered if they (like all of us) had displayed behaviors that others would declare to be a “deal breaker.”
With that in mind, I polled friends on another site and I asked them, “What things could be deal breakers for you when you are meeting new people who could be a partner for you? Since I am researching for an article that is going to a D/s site, I am directing it to lifestyle members but it could apply to any potential relationship.” I received dozens of answers in the over four months since I posted it. I have narrowed them down, removed the many duplicate responses and am sharing them with everyone via this article.
Please note that some of these answers ARE my thoughts but NOT ALL OF THEM. And, the things I used for my reply were echoed more than once but other people who answered. The answers are not meant to offend anyone. I am sharing them to help people who seek “their One.”
So, here they are. My top 22 “Deal Breakers that May Be Preventing Your One from Approaching You.”
- Someone who doesn’t respect another’s boundaries and/or who doesn’t clearly lay out their boundaries.
- Someone who doesn’t want to use/respect a safeword, whatever their reason.
- Someone who plays while intoxicated or angry.
- Someone who Tops from the bottom or is a brat/SAM.
- Someone who neglects to maintain good personal hygiene and/or a clean home/living space.
- Someone who doesn’t want to use protective measures or wants to try edge play without proper training. Someone who is inconsistent with pre-negotiated agreements and/or does not abide by them
- Someone with a bad attitude (cocky, diva, drama-queen, whiner etc) OR who has an overbearing personality.
- Someone who lacks of sense of humor.
- Someone who lacks emotional maturity; i.e. taking things personally, and not being responsible for their words and/or actions.
- Someone with an addiction (illicit or prescribed drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, gambling, internet etc)
- Someone who is cruel, violent and/or abusive.
- Someone with a potty mouth.
- Someone who lacks respect for themselves and/or others..
- Someone who is a liar and/or who is dishonest in other ways and/or back-stabbing and/or gossipy.
- Someone who brags about who they previously scened with or who they talked to etc. Mild name-dropping is one thing, but when you make a habit of it, it makes things feel competitive.
- Someone who exhibits any form of passive aggressive behavior
- Someone who is lazy.
- Someone who creates or takes advantage of situations to force another to allow hard limit activities.
- Someone who does not agree that a person should always have a safe place/time to be able to talk about their wants and needs in the relationship.
- Someone who stops you from doing things that are healthy for you/make you feel empowered/help you to be stronger as a person.
- A submissive who is a “puppet” with no initiative, motivation or creativity and who must be instructed every minute of the day. Aka “the energy vampire submissive.”
- Someone who lacks communication skills.
My name is lunaKM and I’m a full-time stay-at-home submissive in a D/s relationship.
I started blogging when I was exploring D/s online in 2003. I needed advice, mentors and helping hands. Since then I've made it my mission to help novice submissives understand themselves and the services they wish to provide. 
Oh, this list is great! The one thing I would add is not an item for the list (there are so many there, and they cover so much!), but only to say that I don’t feel we need to wait for our One to approach…but perhaps I’m just impatient. ;).
I have tended for a long time to blame myself for the bad situations I’ve been in, and I know that’s not really healthy, but I can definitely say that I didn’t really look at things like this when I was with my ex. I certainly should have considered such things before getting into that relationship. He was so many of those things, with the exception of the things that apply only to submission….definitely an abuser. He wasn’t respectful of my hard limits, even taking things as far as trying to force me to do them if I wanted him to stay with me.
I agree! It did not make the list but only because it was not listed in the poll :) Thank you for sharing this thought and the background info with us!
Best of luck to you!!!
~LBD~
This is a pretty great list. ^_^ Many of those things are the exact things that steered me away from people who otherwise seemed like they’d have been great fits for me. I try very hard not to have those types of things be a part of my make-up, either.
Thanks lillybopeep! I wish I could take credit for *all* the wonderful items listed but all I did was compile the list-lol. Some of them are mine though.
One thing I have noticed about “the little things” is that in time, they become “the big things.” And while this does not always happen, it can :)
While I agree with the items listed, there are two other considerations I would add as codicil. One is that we are all human and circumstances might make us veer sometimes off such a rigid path of “righteousness” as a potential partner. One person’s “potty mouth” is another person’s “street cred”, for example. And in some situations, some people might “appear” passive-aggressive when they are simply bored or distracted. You simply cannot instantly judge people by what you think is obvious or apparent.
The second item to consider is passion and desire. While we’ve all made “mistakes” regarding who and what we want at one time or another, we’ve also learned life lessons from the experiences which have made us better, more knowledgeable persons. If we shun and avoid all “bad” experiences in life, we remain shallow, ignorant, and exceedingly judgmental. That does not make for a good, well-rounded person.
So my advice is to always try to look deeper into a potential partner’s life and behavior. If they are consistently “bad news”, then sure, avoid them as you would anything toxic. If, however, beneath the surface judgment, you discover the reasons for the behavior and see that the person needs awareness, maybe you can provide it.
Otherwise, if you adhere strictly to the “shopping list” as presented, you run the risk of being “forever alone” with some fantasy/ideal of a partner who simply may not exist in reality.
Hey WmCutterBlack, thanks for your thoughts. Please keep in mind however that this list is not meant to be a shopping list. It is meant to be a way of private, self-reflection for people who consistently seem to be wondering why they are still without a partner.
Right or wrong, we all get a first impression of someone within moments of meeting them. This list is designed to offer a chance for someone to look at themselves and determine if the way they present themselves may be a turn off for others.
Please keep in mind that I polled other lifestyle people to create this list so obviously, there are several items on the list that may or not not apply to each individual person. For example, I do not want a partner who smokes but I might consider someone who needs extensive hands on instruction. But, I have a Domme friend who would not mind a smoker (since she smokes) but wants someone who can serve intuitively and without a lot of minute instruction.