Mentoring, self-help and submissive exploration

lunaKM has been a full-time slave in an M/s relationship for over 10 years. She is the founder and editor of Submissive Guide. Learn more about her here and connect with her on, Twitter, Google+, FetLife.

8 responses to “Submitting Is Not Without Personal Responsibility”

  1. Brose

    Hi Luna,
    Your post is great. I stumbled once upon a diagram that laid out areas on the body that are okay for play, areas that are a bit more tender, and areas that you should stay away from completely. I had it saved to my favorites on my old computer that has since died and I cannot seem to find it again. Do you know where I could find something like that again?


  2. PhaedraRose


    i highly recommend a spotter of sorts for anyone that is new to impact play or is going to to play with someone new for the first time. This person would, in theory, would be someone that the bottom trusted. They would sit in on or witness the negotiations that took place between the Top and bottom. They would also watch the scene and stop it if necessary.

    This was something i learned the hard way and something that i pass on as often as i can. This is what happened to me.

    Several years ago, i participated in a charity auction at a dungeon. i was auctioned off as a service bottom. The Top that “purchased” me was just visiting with friends that were members of the dungeon. We negotiated the scene and settled on a safe word. i got ready and the scene began and started out well and i was enjoying the experience. Then he stopped for a few seconds. He told me that he was switching toys. That was ok with me, because we had agreed that he could use different floggers. The next blow was NOT a flogger. i had no clue what he was hitting me with but it hurt very badly and he was hitting my back and sides from the shoulders all the way down to my knees. i was tied and he ignored my screams to stop. i had a reputation at the club in which i was known to be a screamer. It didn’t take long for things to get all fuzzy and blurry. Lucky for me, another Top that i played with occasionally saw what was happening and ran over and stopped the guy in mid swing. The DM tried to get me to go to the ER but i refused. i suppose that i should have because i passed out on the way home and didn’t wake up until 2 days later. i felt like i had been hit by a mack truck. My back and sides had massive black bruises for weeks. The DM was very concerned about me and called to check on me several times. When the DM questioned the top that “purchased” me, he told the DM that i had agreed to do whatever he wanted and that he had hit other subs like that before and never had a problem. The DM chose to believe my side of the story and that top was told to never come back.

    That’s when i learned to always have a witness or have the negotiations written down and signed, acting as a temporary contract and to have a spotter as well. i wanted to share my story because i want to educate others so that what happened to me, won’t happen to them.

  3. Scott

    Thank you for sharing your story, PhaedraRose. That is quite the predicament to get into and that Top had/has a lot to learn about the sensitivities of their bottom.

    As for me as a Dom, I had a near hit to my Sub as well. We were doing breath play and it went too far. I recognized that we were going the “too far” distance, but because of the nature in which we did it, I couldn’t end it instantly. It was a lesson learned and more care on my part has since been exercised (for example, no breath play since then). I’m grateful I didn’t hurt my Sub in the long term physically. Mental, yeah we’re working on that still, but TLC has made things better between us again.

  4. Lion

    The one thing that I would add to the above list is “NEVER be afraid to use your safeword!”

    Use of your safeword is NOT a weakness, it is the one thing that EVERY Dom/Master needs…..communication. I tell My sub on a regular basis “I can’t fix what I don’t know is broken”. We need that communication of “Stop” or even “Slow down”, so that We are helping to maximize your experience, without “going too far”.

    I hope that no one minds My occasional input, and thank you for the website. I am here to better understand the submissive mind, having never subbed. I am finding the information here very helpful

    Thank you again,

  5. JPsub

    I have never been in a relationship like this, but I think it is better to get to know the Dom/Domme one will be working with whether on a professional or somewhat personal level. One can even ask another sub about a particular Master/Mistress. We do it everyday in our daily lives to find out how to relate to another person. It is better to be safe than sorry. They think they can do whatever they want even if it means putting another at risk. It is better to stay with 1 or 2 that are trusting(even though it may not be possible) and know there is an agreement that will not be violated. Each knows what the other wants and how much one can take.
    As a sub, I would make it known that something is going on. Getting punished for talking out of turn is fine, but one should have to suffer beatings like that dungeon or not. The Master in question should not be allowed in any dungeon because it will happen again.

  6. Super-Jenn

    Thanks for posting this!! I’m loving your site and the emails so far!
    I help run my local submissives group, and would be interested in using some of this post for a Roundtable discussion on self reliability of submissives. Please contact me to discuss this. :-)

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