There are a lot of things on the internet talking about topping from the bottom as being a bad bad submissive thing. It’s made people terrified that everything they do could be crossing that terrible line.
It’s not true. I’ve mentioned it before and I’ll say it again. Bottom topping isn’t as bad as it is hyped.
First, what is topping from the bottom? It’s the intentional act of trying to force your Dominant’s hand to do what you want whether that be play related or relationship related. In most cases it happens when the submissive doesn’t give the Dominant a choice to decide for themselves if they want to do as you ask. It’s very common for novices to do this without knowing the difference and until you learn you’ll just have to listen to your Dominant.
The fear behind doing this is overblown hype, for the most part.
There are Dominants that like a bit of bratty, sassy behavior in a submissive. In these situations a bit of bottom topping is likely and sometimes expected. In these relationships it’s all a part of the play or relationship. Just because it looks like topping from the bottom from your perspective it isn’t to the couple involved. I’ve witnessed a couple scenes where this dynamic works out quite well and you can tell that the two are enjoying themselves.
If the submissive is the experienced one and the Dominant is new, then bottom topping is expected at least for awhile until the Dominant learns to read the submissive and how to use different play techniques correctly. In this case, the submissive is guiding the Dominant – but think about how you would react if you were watching a scene with the two in these roles. You’d think the sub was out of bounds on several occasions.
Now, getting past being afraid to enact this faux paux is difficult. Accept that you will in the beginning. Here are some examples that can be topping from the bottom in select situations.
“Spank me now!”
“You should use the soft paddle on me now.”
“Can’t you make your own coffee?”
You may notice that the examples I’ve given sound like commands and that’s a huge identifier. You can easily change these to be submissive requests and no longer push the bottom topping limit by rewording them.
“Would you spank me now please?”
“Could you switch to the soft paddle please?”
“Would you mind making your own coffee?”
These are of course basic examples for presentation but you get my point I hope.
Don’t let others scare you into thinking you are doing something absolutely horribly by bottom topping. Everyone has instances that they slip. It’s normal. A good Dominant is going to recognize it for what it is and correct it. They aren’t going to allow themselves to be a push over. So don’t fear.
Questions:
- What do you know about topping from the bottom?
- How is it portrayed in your social circles (online or real time)?
Let me know the answers and your thoughts in the comments!
My name is lunaKM and I’m a full-time stay-at-home submissive in a D/s relationship.
I started blogging when I was exploring D/s online in 2003. I needed advice, mentors and helping hands. Since then I've made it my mission to help novice submissives understand themselves and the services they wish to provide. 
Interesting perspective.
I think that many bumps along the way could be avoided (especially in new relationships), if there was not such an overwhelming concern about topping from the bottom. Phrasing can be everything. And being able to express needs, desires, and opinions is important.
Though I do think that there are many variances that fit into the phrase. Some are negative and simply amount to manipulation, others are simply part of a relationship and help us understand each other.
Great video, thank you for your thoughts. This can be a confusing topic for those of us who are new to the submissive role.
My husband is the newbie (Dominant) and I am the somewhat experienced (submissive). It gets frustrating sometimes because he was raised Catholic and to never hurt a woman. However, his dark side has finally seen light and will never retreat! Lol. I have found myself topping from the bottom and I hate it, but I felt it was necessary at first. But then he told me, “Only one of us can be the Dom.” Point taken. When I want something he isn’t doing, especially during play, I found that if I beg and plead I am very likely to get it. He finds this very amusing. He has even laughed out loud, literally. But then I usually get it. And I don’t feel like I “made” him do it, and neither does he. Make sense? We are still working things out but we’re getting there.
Surely it’s also just a case of individual relationships defining their own boundaries and ways of communicating? I would have thought that even in a D/s relationship two people have to do what works for them, not stick to a rule book that other people have devised. I wouldn’t like to think that a sub wasn’t behaving in a way that was satisfying to them purely because other people have told them that to do so would be a major faux pas of the scene. I find it a little worrying that the discussion here is about how other people might point at the relationship and judge it harshly. If you find that your habit of “topping from the bottom” is getting in the way of developing the D/s relationship the way you want to, then it needs to be rectified. If it makes you feel safer or more happy to drop or reduce the sub role sometimes, and the Dom is happy with that, then that’s surely the couple’s own business even if that never changes? People submit totally because it makes them happy to do it, not because someone else has an expectation that they should. If that’s the only reason you’re doing it then surely you might as well just be recreating all the old oppressive gender stereotypes rather than celebrating BDSM for what it is – a way for each individual to find happiness and satisfaction in their own very unique way without genuine shame, embarrassment or pressure to conform.
I’m new to the scene and just trying to learn what it’s all about, but I would be massively put off getting more involved if, before I even get started, I am told that there are certain ways that I will have to behave that other people have decided. It doesn’t sound any more likely than the vanilla scene to give me any happiness. I would also be apprehensive about getting involved in the scene if I thought I might get rejected if I can’t be the sort of submissive that other subs think I should be.
I’m rathier new to BDSM, and I really only notice that I am topping from the bottom when Kami does something that makes me uncomfortable or hurts me. Even that isn’t me trying to dominate over him it’s just my reaction when things get to intense for me, and he understands that. I haven’t learned how to calmly tell him that what he did was not enjoyable for me. Other than that, if I step over the line just a little bit Kami is quick to put me back in my place. Overall, even if i wanted to I don’t think I could actually control Kami.
Very rarely he wants me to try to do things to him because he thinks of it as a way to see what I am comfortable with and what I like. I’m not sure if it’s the same with everyone else, but I’ve noticed that I tend to dish out things that I like to have done to me. It’s a way for me to explore what I am into and tell Kami what I like without embarrassing myself, which talking about almost anything at this point makes my face redder than a firetruck!