Mentoring, self-help and submissive exploration

lunaKM has been a full-time slave in an M/s relationship for over 10 years. She is the founder and editor of Submissive Guide. Learn more about her here and connect with her on lunaKM.me, Twitter, Google+, FetLife.

4 responses to “5 Ways to Resolve Conflict in a D/s Relationship”

  1. Keri

    My Master and i had a huge disagreement and i thought it was going to be the breaking point in our relationship. We would talk and talk about it but we could not agree. Finally, after one more discussion i gave in. I love my Master so much that i thought “Is this really worth losing Him over?” In all honesty it was not. He and i both decided to take a few steps back and revisit our wants, needs and limits. The situation has deepened the bond between us. I think the one thing that helped us move forward was the fact we discussed it as adults; no yelling, no screaming, lots of listening, holding and respect.

  2. MaDonna

    My husband and I rarely have arguments. Now this doesn’t mean that we agree on everything 100% of the time. We just don’t argue very much. We talk about everything. If an issue arises that upsets one of us, we talk about it with each other right then and there. We communicate very well. When we first got together my husband, who hadn’t been in very many relationships before he met me, didn’t really know how to communicate. We argued a lot. Well, I argued a lot. He mostly just tuned me out or walked away. Then three years into our marriage, we had a huge blow up. I mean screaming, throwing things, crying, the whole nine yards. He walked out the door. He was ‘gone’ for hours. I was so upset. I couldn’t stop crying. I was on the phone, calling everyone I knew trying to find him. And I was really worried because it was 5 am, fast approaching the time for him to leave for work, and he hadn’t taken his car. I was beside myself. Then my Dad came over, they worked at the same job and often rode in together, and informed me that my husband was in the back yard behind the garage just sitting in a lawn chair. My first reaction was to be furious. Righteous indignation welled up in me and I started for the back door. My Dad stopped me and placed a cup of coffee in my hand. He told me to take it out to him, and not to speak. He said just sit down beside him and wait for him to say something. I was still angry as I walked out there. But as soon as I saw my husband, this quietness washed over me. There was something in his face that told me, I needed to let him say what he needed to say, and I needed to be patient and let him say it in his time and his way. So I handed him the coffee and sat down beside him. I didn’t say a word. We sat like that for about 15 minutes, just listening to the birds chirping their morning song. Finally he spoke. He poured his heart out to me. It was the first time he had opened up like that emotionally. From that moment on, we have always addressed any issue with honesty and respect. We are closer than ever and our bond couldn’t be stronger.

  3. Grace

    Thank you for a great post! Me and my husband don’t agrue much, and we are together for almost 5 years now. Currently we are trying to transform our life to a D/s relationship, since we both feel very comfortable in these positions (him being the Dom and me being the sub) and I read a lot of material about this. I must say that point 2 (approach as equals) confused me a bit. As a person with strong tendency to comply, agree and pretty much accept most (I speak about 90%) of what my husband suggests, does and thinks I can’t see how I could “forget” that we are (or, to be fair, trying to become) a D/s couple and discuss a problem as equals. I would like to stress that I feel this difficulty, while I am sure that my husband wouldn’t have a problem with it at all.

  4. katIRL

    i have found myself in an argument only once up to now, it’s a new relationship and it was about me whining about something i shouldn’t have been whining about. He is great, sometimes i wonder how he can be so perfect (for me that is :) ). i do agree with everything mentioned in the post, i don’t think arguing is a matter of role at all and so does IRL. i’m writing because i’m scared to death to have to deal with another argument tomorrow or in the next few days owing to a misunderstanding, again my fault, wrong sentence wrong moment, the guilt feeling is not too strong honestly, i’m human and i’m learning i can stumble into a mistake now and then. still… confrontation is not an easy thing for me, i have a tendency to retreat and run away from discussion, plus the way i convey meanings is not always the best, it’s not really a matter of i messages actually, it’s more a matter of “how does someone dreamy speak with someone pragmatic” . i’ve been studing communication for a very long time and i can see immediately when the problem is conveing meaning. for someone like me the difficult part is not that of cooling down or facing things in a calmly, it’s more a matter of chosing the right words. i know lunaKM is writing posts about how to speak submissively right now, i’ve read the first and found it really nice, i also have to say i like her approach a lot. but sometimes i think things go beyond that, i think sometimes it becomes more a matter of taking a little bit of distance from submission. language is always influenced by our moods, by our view of the world, by our psychological situation and by our temperament, the way we feel will always influence the way we speak. the message i mis-conveyed today was that it’s okay with me if he doesn’t feel like talking, an easy thing to say huh? how about when feelings and moods jump in? i ended up conveing right the opposite meaning, just because i felt guilty for asking three times. Sometimes it’s hard to accept that it’s human not to answer an uncomfortable question. adapting my submission to the relationship and to the environment around me has become a interior path and a work on myself and sometimes it’s simply not easy to convey a change of attitude towards something i had considered a need and found out wasn’t even important enough to be a want. keeping something to myself is not allowed in my relationship either, but sometimes it can be very difficult to put into words feelings i wasn’t used to express aloud before. being true to myself has become more important then ever.
    so i really hope it won’t sound arrogant of me to say it, still, i think lunaKM’s post is perfect for an experienced submissive but a little difficult to put into practice for a novice submissive, simply because discovering a new side of one’s own personality also means confusion and cooling off in a 24/7 relationship with a Dominant who truly and deeply cares can sometimes be not enough. confusion can lead to feeling uncomfortable and having unusual reactions that a Dominant will detect even before we do. in the last few days i had some issues with myself and i wasn’t succeding in finding what they were, i was nervous and reacted consequentially, He asked what was wrong right after i said “good morning”, i asked for some time to cool off, succeded in cooling off, came back and first word out proved nothing had changed from the good morning. He had a very hard time keeping calm through the mess i was delivering (and when i say mess, believe me i DO mean mess XD ), we were lucky enough that he was in a good mood, the other time i was talking about earlier instead He had already issues of his own, same dynamic different results.
    so cutting short, maybe it’s also a matter of saying “i’m thirsty” when we are thirsty instead of something like “i feel a strange feeling like if i needed some water, but i’m not sure it could be i need vitamins”, which can happen when it comes to moods and feelings especially for someone new to the context.


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