photo by Sean Loyless (CC BY 2.0)
Novice submissives all over try to find a Dominant to be with. I’ve talked with so many that value experience in their Dominant choices but what of novice Dominants? Is drive and desire not enough? Are they left to their own devices?
I recommend everyone give a moment to think about the value in a novice Dominant, especially for an experienced submissive.
Novice Dominants have a lot to learn, that is true. And who better to teach them than a submissive that has experienced submission? No, you might be saying. A Dominant needs a Dominant to teach them. Sure, a Dominant can learn a lot from another Dominant, and there’s no reason they can’t have Dominant guidance as well. But, where is it written that a submissive has nothing to teach a Dominant? I teach my Dominant things all the time.
A novice Dominant needs you to first accept them for who they are – a Dominant learning. Don’t treat them as less just because they haven’t experience enough to control you in every aspect. We’ve all got to start somewhere and an experienced submissive may just be the help they need to find their place. OK, so that came off as preachy, sorry. I just hope that we can open our eyes and see that novice Dominants have a place in our hearts too.
Bottom-topping
Oh I know, this term is usually spit at novice submissives, reviled as a horrible behavior for submissives, but this is exactly what an experienced submissive would do with a novice Dominant. At least for awhile, and still with grace you will be helping direct the Dominant in what pleases you and how to make your skin sing, your heart flutter and your soul bond with them.
Topping from the bottom is not always a bad thing and we need to allow for this fact when we are with a novice Dominant that is looking for our reaction, or for suggestions from us while we play with them, or provide a service to them. There is such a thing as too much bottom-topping though and an experienced submissive probably learned where the line was relatively early on in their exploration. If not, the Dominant, no matter how novice is likely to let you know when you’ve pushed too far.
Comfort with sharing what you know
You should be willing to share what you know with your new Dominant. It is not un-submissive-like (whatever that means), it is naturally an opening of your experience and knowledge with the one you have chosen to submit to. An experienced submissive should be comfortable enough in your own submission to be able to talk about it and the activities you enjoy.
Also, if you know how to hold an implement or areas of the body that it’s safe to use a certain toy, then teach them that. Directing them how to accept service from you is also a display of how confident you are in your submission and willingness to teach them.
Be a teacher/mentor/helper/adviser
Be someone that the can talk to, express how they are feeling and ask questions. Even if you don’t know the answer, offer to look for the answer for them. You can be a friend to a novice Dominant even if you aren’t willing to be a submissive to them. So much is picked up from the opposite role just by watching and listening.
Ultimately, the next generation of Dominants has a lot to learn from submissives if we will accept our role as their teachers as well as friends.
Helpful Resources for Novice Dominants
My name is lunaKM and I’m a full-time stay-at-home submissive in a D/s relationship.
I started blogging when I was exploring D/s online in 2003. I needed advice, mentors and helping hands. Since then I've made it my mission to help novice submissives understand themselves and the services they wish to provide. 
This article couldn’t have come at a better time… In a round about way it really pertains to my situation at the moment (although it is a bit more complicated), this has really helped put things into a different perspective for me and gives me some new things to think about.
Not to say I am an experienced submissive by any means, I am really new to the lifestyle myself and I still have A LOT to learn… but I guess this article really just reinforces for me, the fact that patience really is a virtue and it needs to come from both sides and that perhaps for the past little while I have been a bit selfish.
I definitely can see things in a different light now, and reading this has really given me some direction as to where I want to be ~ Thank You!
This post covers a lot of what I had felt in my previous relationship (the first in a D/s dynamic). As a ‘nilla turned unlikely ‘master’ with a girl who had previously been in such a relationship (and technically still thought of her ex as her Master), I felt like a sea captain well off the familiar trade route: in a world of previously unknown excitement and uncertain peril.
It started off with my identification of the fact that the woman I wanted was not interested in another “vanilla” relationship, and required a man with a “dominant” personality. Supply for the demand, right?
The problem was that I had only gut instinct to rely on. She occasionally mentioned that their are ‘limits’, but what were they? Websites don’t help in this regard: different women have very different limits, which vary according to different areas: physical limits, verbal limits, and more. Trial-and-error are a poor way to discover them.
I figured out over time that she liked physical dominance and reacted poorly to humiliation. I started having her call me “pharaoh” because I knew it made her giggle, necessitating frequent spankings.
Ultimately I could not break her away from her love for her old master, and recognizing that I, who only claimed to be “slave catcher/’acting’ Master” initially, allowed her to return to him. Of course, I ROFLed when I heard a week later that they hated each-other almost as soon as they reunited. Such, I suppose, is how volatile human relations can be.
I am overall happier now, in an LDR with a girl I met through very different channels. Though she calls me “lord and master” and considers herself a “servant”, it is a relationship based not on domination but on fascination. Perhaps that is just a superior form of domination, but in any-case… She is attracted to me for my beliefs on politics and society, and my skill with oratory: I think that is a much better place to start, than a relationship based on the pursuit of ‘perfect’ pleasure.
Thank you for this site, Luna! It helps me understand this whole ‘lifestyle’ much more clearly. I wish there were such a site for novice doms… perhaps something I may consider working on.
–Basiliskos