From the Submissive Guide Newsletter 3-5-11
Over 6 years ago now, my perceptions of what a submissive was were still very shallow and incomplete. I believed that being submissive as a passive personality trait and it didn’t require a lot of ‘work’ on my part. Almost encouraging the laziness I had fostered in my marriage. Now, I’m far more aware that a submissive is an active participant and we have a lot to do even when the Dominant isn’t around!
One of the best skills a submissive can learn is observation. Observation is also something that can go neglected in your everyday and work life so that learning it requires you to reteach your mind, eyes, focus and attention. It’s so worth it. Once you start really seeing everything you’ll be able to know what needs to be done before your Dominant, can offer your services at the right time and in the right manner and basically excel at being submissive.
I’m still learning to perfect my observation techniques and you can ask KnyghtMare that I still fail in some basic areas but I’m learning and improving everyday. I’d like to share with you what I’ve learned as I work to change my behavior and become more aware of what’s around me and what my observation skills can do for me. Perhaps one day I’ll remember to get his coffee within 5 mins of the coffee pot completing its cycle instead of getting sidetracked (focus!) for 30 minutes.
Behaviors and Habits to Improved Observation Skills
People watching – In a world where we like to compare ourselves with our neighbors this one should come easy to many of us. I enjoy sitting somewhere in public where there will be a lot of people and just watching them. I’ll observe how they walk, carry their bags, facial features and ticks, even how they interact with others in their group.
This exercise can also be done when you are alone with your Dominant. Try sitting quietly and discretely watch them. Do they have any nervous ticks like tapping fingers on knees, or twitchy feet? What is their preferred way to sit, dress, wear their hair? When eating do they hold their utensils a certain way? Do they eat in order, mix it all up or keep it all separate? Does your Dominant prefer to have their drink filled before it’s empty? All of these things are small observations that could help you in your service to them. Keep them locked away in your mind so that you can pay attention to their needs before they know they need them.
Listening skills – I can not tell you how hard this one is for me to remember. I’m one of those people who formulates my answers while you are talking, thus missing half the conversation and then interrupting you. It’s horrible and I am working on it daily to change the way I passively communicate.
What you need to learn, that I’m still learning is that you can’t think about what you are going to say while someone is talking. You need to take as much effort in listening as you do in talking. The person’s words are valuable and you could miss an important piece of information while your mind tries to form a response to something they just said. Wait until they are finished speaking, summarize what they said if need be to help your listening and then respond.
Willingness to set aside personal biases – If being judgmental and stereotyping are common around you, it’s time to let them go. Developing your observation skills requires that you allow each situation to be observed without bias or whether you like or dislike someone or something. Carrying these opinions can cloud your more accurate observations.
Self knowledge – Accurately knowing your own behaviors, attitudes and personal skills, and how they impact others is a huge part of your observation skills growing. How do you respond, react and interpret what other people are doing can impact how you anticipate service with your Dominant. Personal growth and development are the most important gifts you can give yourself. Start by observing yourself in all activities in your everyday life.
Lastly, I’d like to talk about what to do with these observations that you may have picked up about your Dominant. Take for example, you know when they’d like their drink filled, you can carry out this task (or just ask them if they would like…) before they need ask you. Are they on the phone with an important person? Slide them a pen and paper for notes. Show them that you are paying attention. If they love to watch basketball, study and learn about their favorite team/players. While you may not like basketball yourself; just being able to talk about it with you shows your observation skills and dedication to your partner.
Start observing. It requires no extra equipment; only your time. We can learn this together and through personal growth can become better, more active submissives for our partners.
Thoughts to Ponder
- Do you have good observation skills?
- What task from this newsletter are you going to try harder at?
- Does your Dominant have some interesting ticks you’ve observed? What are they?
Interesting Links
- Observation Skills Test
- How to Increase your Observation Skills
- Observation – A Critical Leadership Skill
- Develop Your Observation Skills
My name is lunaKM and I’m a full-time stay-at-home submissive in a D/s relationship.
I started blogging when I was exploring D/s online in 2003. I needed advice, mentors and helping hands. Since then I've made it my mission to help novice submissives understand themselves and the services they wish to provide. 
Your remarks about listening were dead on. I am *terrible* at that and it’s something I’ve worked on all my life. My husband and I talk all the time; seriously, we love to talk to each other. Sometimes we’re just chatting and other times when we’re really discussing something I do tend to work on replies while he’s talking and I MUST stop that. I also interrupt sometimes (hanging head in shame) but he is very good to gently reprimand me when I do it.
Another thing I am terrrible about is not focusing on something he is saying or asking me to do. I tend to be a little ADD, and I spend 8+ hours a day on my laptop, working. If he comes to me to tell or ask me something, I MUST stop what I am doing, turn away from the screen, look at him, and clear my mind to really hear what he is saying to me. Otherwise, he’ll come to me later and say “what did you do with that stuff I asked you to bring in from the porch?” and I am forced to say “what stuff?” while I am thinking wildly, “porch? What porch? OUR porch? What stuff? We have stuff? I was supposed to bring in stuff? Oh, crap, what have I done?!”
Oh yes! Dominant + ADD submissive = never a dull moment! :)