Mentoring, self-help and submissive exploration

lunaKM has been a full-time slave in an M/s relationship for over 10 years. She is the founder and editor of Submissive Guide. Learn more about her here and connect with her on, Twitter, Google+, FetLife.

6 responses to “But My Partner is Vanilla…: Three Options Available To You When Your Partner Isn’t Kinky”

  1. anna52

    My vanilla husband couldn’t handle my kinky desires even though he tried. He allowed an online relationship that eventually made him see he couldn’t handle things between us anymore. And I couldn’t go back to the way things were. We remain friends but are two different people on two different paths.

  2. Dru

    I’d like to shout this from the Mt. Tops concerning Covert Relationships to experience bdsm. DON’T DO IT!!!! Just DON’T!!! It’s so not worth it!!!

    Sadly, I did it and I wish with every fiber of my being that I hadn’t. It was a huge, HUGE mistake. No, I don’t think things would have worked out with my husband even if I hadn’t had the secret relationship with Master but I so wish I had had the courage to do things the right way. I should have ended my marriage before I entered into the new relationship. This past weekend I was “busted” and now my world is in shambles. I’ve deeply hurt a man I really do care about and I’ve hurt my son. Although he isn’t aware of the relationship, I’m sure that one day he will and I’m just as sure that he will hate me for it. But no matter how much I may wish it, I can’t undo what I have done and I will have to live with what I have done and the consequences of my actions every single day for the rest of my life. I had no right to do this to my family. No one has the right and it just isn’t worth it.

    I think I am actually relieved that the truth is out. I have been wracked by guilt and taking it out on everyone around me. I feel sick that I have hurt everyone so much, torn our family apart, and disappointed all of our family and friends. None of them will ever, not ever, look at me the way they did before.

    I have been married for 18 years and with my husband for 22. We are very different people now than we were when we met so long ago. I was only an 18 year old child. How could I know what my future would hold? Getting married so awfully young wasn’t a good idea at all. Now I don’t regret my marriage because it gave me the most wonderful teenager in the world and I will grieve the end of our family and what may have been had I don’t things differently.

    I can’t undo what I’ve done and I can’t go back. All I can do is look forward to the future and do my very best to mend the hearts I have broken and pray that one day, my husband might find it in his heart to forgive me just a little. We need to go separate ways. I know that for sure. We should have done so a long time ago. But I wish I had not been such a coward and done things the right way. It still would have hurt and been extremely hard, but it would have been much, much better than the guilt and sorrow I now have to face.

    So I’ll say it again…DON’T DO IT!!! If you know you need to get out of an unhappy marriage that will never be what you need, do that first and then you will be free to explore to your hearts content. And your heart will be pure and honest.

    Please trust me…it just isn’t worth it.


  3. Shirts

    Oh Dru, I am so sorry for your pain. I can’t thank you enough for posting. I am married to a good man who meets none of my physical needs. He is unable (and unwilling) to give me even a fraction of what I want. We have sweet children, a beautiful home, and a very happy family life…everything except the sex is great. I’m so deeply dissatisfied physically but so satisfied in every other way. I have been mulling seeking an affair for many years – I have come to the point where I don’t mind cheating on HIM, but I can’t bring myself to “cheat” on my family. Your post came at a crucial time for me, and I appreciate it so much. I wish you nothing but good luck. The past is behind you, so focus on today and be kind to yourself!

  4. Paul

    I am in a similar situation…married for 17 years and she has no interest in sex period. THere is no possibility even for discussing it with her. I on the other hand am a very kinky open minded individual. We’ve been to therapy and it didn’t help. One day she suggested (out of the blue with no coercing by me) that she was ok with me satisfying my desires elsewhere. THere are rules…no friends, be discrete, be safe, don’t fall in love…She may have sensed my total frustration and sadness and…that I was ready to end things. So, everything else is good in our marriage. It’s kind of like living with my sister. lol. DOn’t get me wrong though, she is still really hot at 48yrs old and it still saddens me tremendously, but after all these years, my sexual desire for her is practically gone…dead might be a more accurate term. Now for the screwed up part…where does a 50 yr old man go? The personals…the searching sucks. Escorts….absolutely the way to go…except it’s really expensive so that’s out…Many women actually get hostile when they find out about my situation…I have discovered that N. America is a VERY CONSERVATIVE place. I understand std’s may have calmed people down about playing around, but being safe isn’t that hard…and it seems most 50 yr old women are looking for a muscular 26yr old black stud…should I just kill myself now. lol

  5. Geist

    Try fetlife. It’s an awesome site. You can search for muches, mett&greets, and play parties by city/state and is a GREAT place to meet other individuals

  6. nicefat

    have been in male relationship for 26 solid yrs now, married for about 5 or 6 of that..I still prefer to consider ourselves as bf’s rather than the traditional names, was very exciting for first few years, he screwed around and tried to let on he didn’t, we had tons of 3ways which I loved but 10-15 years into it he just started to loose interest in sex with me but didn’t want to end it..

    So this is how it is..I am a top with a large piece and a sex drive that drives me nuts, and very open to lots of exploration…

    He is not into much of anything at all anymore except working out, eating healthy and basically mostly into himself. But everyone loves him including all my family and friends.

    I do love him but it’s really tugging at me everyday. I wait for times when he’s out of town to actually live!

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