Mentoring, self-help and submissive exploration

lunaKM has been a full-time slave in an M/s relationship for over 10 years. She is the founder and editor of Submissive Guide. Learn more about her here and connect with her on, Twitter, Google+, FetLife.

33 responses to “How to Talk to Your Dominant”

  1. BB

    I will be honest with you, I have had all these fears and could not get past them about talking to my Dom about what I wanted. Dumb I know, but they are there and would not go away. Although, after reading this post it really does place things in perspective. Thank you for this. I have really enjoyed your blog.

  2. Hebe

    i was wondering if you could help me find or maybe post here a list of serving, submission and obedience statements such as ” Would that be all Sir” and “thank You for letting me serve You Sir”. i was looking for ideas to broaden my slave-obedience-statements-to-my-Dom vocabulary and had no luck finding anything online. hope you can help.

  3. Aletheia

    Thank you so much for this article! I am in my first (and, I hope, last) D/s relationship, which also happens to be my second romantic relationship EVER; I spent ten months in 2009 and 2010 in an emotionally abusive vanilla relationship in which I was scorned for my attempts at open communication. It’s hard for me to get past that, and to learn to communicate openly with my Dom now and trust him to treat my needs and desires with the respect I know they deserve. He wants so much for me to be happy with our relationship that I worry all the time about topping from the bottom. I keep having to remind myself that the fact that I have desires and opinions of my own only makes me more desirable in his eyes (he doesn’t want a doormat), and expressing those desires and opinions doesn’t change the fact that he has the last word.

  4. Hebe

    thank you luna. that did help

  5. molly

    I am often surprised by the number of submissive woman who seem to have problems communicating openly with their Dom, especially about things that they don’t like or that make them unhappy.

    I have found that I am a bit of a magnet for submissive woman seeking advice and this is a regular area that people seem to ask for advice on.

    Communication is the key to all successful relationships but it is even more so the key for successful and HAPPY D/s relationships. Maybe I am lucky, I have a Dom who encourages me to talk, share, and tell Him everything, he is also very intune to me and can often sense when something is bothering me, in fact in there have been times when he is able to identify these issue or worries before I have even put real thoughts or words to them. Maybe that is a testament to our relationship or to Him as a sensitive Dom. I don’t really know.

    I think this post is great, you have stripped away the confusing that many sub’s seem to feel on this matter. As you say, why wouldn’t you tell him/her? They are not mind readers, they need to hear your thoughts, desires, worries, fears, in order that they can help you manage and address them.


    1. Jaded

      This would be awesome advice. But since I have entered into this “relationship”. I actually moved into his house. The communication we once had is no more. Just yesterday feeling like.. well “WTH” I tried to open communication between him and I. He wasn’t really interested. So I have now decided I have made a BIG mistake and will be moving back home this coming month. We had great communication before I got here. Talked daily online via messenger and then at least 2 times a day. I’ve been here over a week. And not NOTHING. No touchy feelly. No talking. He’s more interested in the next episode of NCIS then having a conversation with me. So the only assumption I can get is that, It was great while I wasn’t here. But no so much while I’m here. So time to move on down the highway. Only thing keeping me now is money. Which I’ll have first of next month.

      Thanks for listening..


      P.s.. didnt mean to make this a rant of sorts.

    2. SubFemale1973AG

      I have problems talking to my Dom about my wants and needs, and today did not help. We are online only right now, but I am moving soon to take it to a irl state. We had a session and it went very well. Afterward we talked and he had previously to me to not shave my pussy, that would mark me for the time being as his. I agreed to this, and have obeyed. Today he told me not to shave my armpits either, and I questioned him. I said “you want me to not shave my armpits?” then hit the enter button without thinking. I then said I didn’t like it but would obey him on it. I immediately realized what I had done and appoligized for questioning him, He was quiet for what seemed forever but was only a minute, and then said he was not happy, that i had disappointed him. That he was testing me to see my understanding (I am very new to Dom/sub, but I am the one who went looking for a Dom, going against all I had been taught in life and going with my need for it), I felt so bad, it hurt to hear him say this. Then he told me he would not dismiss me over it, but I was to remember who was in charge. I will not forget that, and had not meant it to be a challenge to his authority. I asked how I could make it up to him and he has not told me yet. I felt such shame and disappointment in myself that I cried, I did not mean to disrespect him and I do not want him to dismiss me. He is a very kind man to me, and he has left communication open but I must remember he is my Dom, not my bff that I am talking to and be careful with my wording.

  6. Private

    I feel terrified about talking to my dom. I’m very new as a sub and I’m always afraid that I’m going to say something that will frustrate him for choosing the “idiot sub” instead of someone experienced with more common sense. Plus, he is very nice but he visibly gets irritated or impatient when he has to tell me the same thing more than once or if it takes many tries for me to understand what he’s trying to say. Also, I always feel scared even talking to him because everything I say he always asks for details. I know it’s to get to know me, but it’s scary if I have to tell him something embarrassing or private because I can’t lie about it. For example, if I tell him I feel weird, he will ask why do I feel weird. Then when I tell him why, he’ll want to know everything like what thoughts are going through my mind, what I was doing before and after I felt weird, etc. etc. I don’t know what to do! I want to please him, and I really like him, and I want him to keep me. What should I do??

  7. Kitty

    Thank you. I am in sub training & so far we have just communicated via email. We are speaking for the first time tomorrow & I could not be more nervous! I still don’t know what to say but, I will keep your advice in mind.

  8. Ash

    As a Dominant this is extremely true, we aren’t mind readers ladies. We are humans as well and we all make mistakes, if we feel that we are only wasting our time with you we might as well leave. I know in my past relationships with submissives, if they are not openly honest in communication and telling me what they want or asking for what makes them happy in the relationship, then I won’t waste my time. An unhappy submissive is one who won’t willingly follow orders or be happy with you, and vice versa.

    Point blank? Talk to us, don’t be afraid to ask for what you desire.

  9. Leigh

    I have a slightly embarrassing question, I keep reading on this subject, and it is getting a little close to call, and is a bit worrisome; I am a novice sub and my Master knows that I have certain issues (anxiety disorders and depression) which is why we have tailored our relationship into a very personal arrangement. However, when I have my uhm displays of anxiety, sometimes I need touch and sometimes it makes things worse, but I feel like I am making a demand with every time something like this comes up, NEEDING to be alone or NEEDING to be held, which I know is a big no-no…Because of these problems, does this make me an inept submissive? Or because it is something that is necessary for my emotional health, does this make it reasonable? I feel a little lost on the subject ):

  10. AmberHeart

    If you are afraid to talk openly with your Domm, then he is not a very good Domm. My Daddy, I can tell him anything and everything and he encourages it. Of course, always approaching with the utmost respect. If he orders me to do something, and I am uncomfortable with it, I talk with him about it, and he talks me through my uncomfortably. If at the end of our talk, I am still uncomfortable, he pushes me a little to at least try it once, if I have never tried it before. But if I actually have a valid reason for not wanting to, he does not make me. But if I say no just to say no, I get punished. It’s all about the Domm’s character outside of being a Domm. Around others, if he is angry a lot, and does not have a very good temper, he will not be a very good Domm.

  11. Angelia

    I recently moved into my Master’s house and ride in the semi with him. I find I am craving more dominance. I need to be submissive or I get on edge and really anxious. I have tried talking to him about how I feel but can’t seem to word it right. I told him I need him to be more dominant and he asks me what kind I want. I am not very experienced in bdsm but have always been the submissive in relationships. How do I explain to him? Could you recommend a site or a way to word it better? Thank you so much.


    Years later, and I still think this is a really great article. It’s amazing how this is STILL a question in the BDSM community. And you are so right, most Doms would like to know what you’re thinking and feeling, and they prefer to hear your input sometimes as long as it’s always given in a respectful way. Thanks for sharing your expertise. A lot of newbies still need to hear it. :)

  13. Johno

    My Mistress pointed me at this blog and its helped to move my experience to a higher level. Thanks all for your thoughts and support

  14. Toni-Louise

    thank you for this article it was so helpful. I am a new submissive and have only been in contact with my dom for 1 week. we are constantly in contact and i wait eagerly by the phone for him everyday. he sets me tasks to complete and i do so with great pleasure. communication on my part was hard at 1st. i know what i want but putting that into words is sometimes difficult, but i feel i am learning quickly. just yesterday he said something via message that i was uncomfortable with and he knew because of the time it took me to reply that something was bothering me. i think for me i just struggle with the fact that if he suggest something that i am uncomfortable with if i tell him so then ill be disappointing him?! i was wondering if there were an sites that other submissives use to talk to each other. where new subs could get advice from more experienced subs? thank you in advance x

  15. little one

    I am a sub in training and I am also having difficulty talking to my Sir. I understand that my Sir is not a mind reader and have been trying to work past my shyness with him. He has asked me to take more of an initiative with him and I am unclear where to start. Any suggestions?

  16. SubFemale1973AG

    I had the same problem at first, but am happy to say I have gotten past it. It helped me to tell my Sir that it was difficult for me to do. He worked with me. I started by making a journal and typing in my thoughts and feelings. This was just for me, my Sir has never read it. I could then talk to my Sir later in the day and tell him many of the things I had typed. I guess for me it was a matter of being comfortable with how I felt. Once I was comfortable with it it was easy to talk about. I can now tell my Sir anything. I do not use the journal anymore. I am secure in knowing that he will not laugh at my words, and that it has helped improve all aspects between me and my Sir. The hardest for me to overcome was talking about my feelings and my desires. I was embarrassed by some of the things I wanted sexually. I was afraid he would laugh at me or think I was weird. One thing that helped it to remember that he chose to take me as his sub, and that meant he wanted all of me, not just a part. And the fact that he did chose me meant that I was attractive to him, and wanted by him. It is dangerous to not share your true feelings with your Sir, because if he wants you to do something you are not comfortable with and you do not tell him you could be hurt. Your Sir, as is mine is a human being, just like you, He wants you to be comfortable with yourself and with him. If you think or feel something just tell him. If he reacts in a way that either you disagree with or are not comfortable with maybe it is a sign that you are with the wrong Sir. While our Sirs/Masters are generally demanding they should still show concern with something is bothering us or we want something. Our wants and needs should be important to them. Now I said important, but not top priority. As a sub my main priority is to please my Sir. In return for that I am well rewarded in the feeling that I get from pleasing him and often from something he does for or to me. Don’t push yourself though when trying to talk to him, just relax and let it flow, practice talking to yourself in a mirror, write it down, whatever works for you. Once you are comfortable expressing yourself that way it should become easy to do it with your Sir.

    1. little one

      SubFemale1973AG – Thank you for your reply. That helps a great deal knowing I am not the only one who has faced this challenge.
      I have spoken with my Sir and he is aware of the challenges I face with my shyness and is helping me work through them. My Sir and I are separated by 120 miles and can not see eachother frequently due to certain circumstances, as well as the distance.
      Again, Thank You for your comments and I think I will try keeping a journal for the times I am unable to talk to my Sir.

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