Mentoring, self-help and submissive exploration

lunaKM a full-time slave in an M/s relationship. She is the founder and editor of Submissive Guide. Learn more about her here and connect with her on, Twitter, Google+, FetLife.

20 responses to “How to Talk to Your Dominant”

  1. BB

    I will be honest with you, I have had all these fears and could not get past them about talking to my Dom about what I wanted. Dumb I know, but they are there and would not go away. Although, after reading this post it really does place things in perspective. Thank you for this. I have really enjoyed your blog.

  2. Hebe

    i was wondering if you could help me find or maybe post here a list of serving, submission and obedience statements such as ” Would that be all Sir” and “thank You for letting me serve You Sir”. i was looking for ideas to broaden my slave-obedience-statements-to-my-Dom vocabulary and had no luck finding anything online. hope you can help.

  3. Aletheia

    Thank you so much for this article! I am in my first (and, I hope, last) D/s relationship, which also happens to be my second romantic relationship EVER; I spent ten months in 2009 and 2010 in an emotionally abusive vanilla relationship in which I was scorned for my attempts at open communication. It’s hard for me to get past that, and to learn to communicate openly with my Dom now and trust him to treat my needs and desires with the respect I know they deserve. He wants so much for me to be happy with our relationship that I worry all the time about topping from the bottom. I keep having to remind myself that the fact that I have desires and opinions of my own only makes me more desirable in his eyes (he doesn’t want a doormat), and expressing those desires and opinions doesn’t change the fact that he has the last word.

  4. Hebe

    thank you luna. that did help

  5. molly

    I am often surprised by the number of submissive woman who seem to have problems communicating openly with their Dom, especially about things that they don’t like or that make them unhappy.

    I have found that I am a bit of a magnet for submissive woman seeking advice and this is a regular area that people seem to ask for advice on.

    Communication is the key to all successful relationships but it is even more so the key for successful and HAPPY D/s relationships. Maybe I am lucky, I have a Dom who encourages me to talk, share, and tell Him everything, he is also very intune to me and can often sense when something is bothering me, in fact in there have been times when he is able to identify these issue or worries before I have even put real thoughts or words to them. Maybe that is a testament to our relationship or to Him as a sensitive Dom. I don’t really know.

    I think this post is great, you have stripped away the confusing that many sub’s seem to feel on this matter. As you say, why wouldn’t you tell him/her? They are not mind readers, they need to hear your thoughts, desires, worries, fears, in order that they can help you manage and address them.


  6. Jaded

    This would be awesome advice. But since I have entered into this “relationship”. I actually moved into his house. The communication we once had is no more. Just yesterday feeling like.. well “WTH” I tried to open communication between him and I. He wasn’t really interested. So I have now decided I have made a BIG mistake and will be moving back home this coming month. We had great communication before I got here. Talked daily online via messenger and then at least 2 times a day. I’ve been here over a week. And not NOTHING. No touchy feelly. No talking. He’s more interested in the next episode of NCIS then having a conversation with me. So the only assumption I can get is that, It was great while I wasn’t here. But no so much while I’m here. So time to move on down the highway. Only thing keeping me now is money. Which I’ll have first of next month.

    Thanks for listening..


    P.s.. didnt mean to make this a rant of sorts.

  7. Private

    I feel terrified about talking to my dom. I’m very new as a sub and I’m always afraid that I’m going to say something that will frustrate him for choosing the “idiot sub” instead of someone experienced with more common sense. Plus, he is very nice but he visibly gets irritated or impatient when he has to tell me the same thing more than once or if it takes many tries for me to understand what he’s trying to say. Also, I always feel scared even talking to him because everything I say he always asks for details. I know it’s to get to know me, but it’s scary if I have to tell him something embarrassing or private because I can’t lie about it. For example, if I tell him I feel weird, he will ask why do I feel weird. Then when I tell him why, he’ll want to know everything like what thoughts are going through my mind, what I was doing before and after I felt weird, etc. etc. I don’t know what to do! I want to please him, and I really like him, and I want him to keep me. What should I do??

  8. Private

    No, he’s never lashed out. He’ll just get very short. For example, he was away yesterday and asked me to call him right away. But I couldn’t dial out on my phone for some reason, so he sent a message same “I’m waiting.”…like, he was irritated. Another time, we were talking, and I couldn’t make out what he was saying because his phone was breaking up, and he got a bit snippy and was like, “You know what? Just hang up and call me right back.” It’s not like he yelled or flipped out or anything, but the tone of his voice was just clearly irritated.

    I guess I feel alright with how he responds, but since I’m sort of new at this, I’m not sure if that’s normal. I read somewhere most Doms can be impatient at times, so I don’t know.

    And you are right, a good place to start would be trying to feel more comfortable talking to him. Thank you for responding and for your advice.

  9. Private


  10. Kitty

    Thank you. I am in sub training & so far we have just communicated via email. We are speaking for the first time tomorrow & I could not be more nervous! I still don’t know what to say but, I will keep your advice in mind.

  11. Ash

    As a Dominant this is extremely true, we aren’t mind readers ladies. We are humans as well and we all make mistakes, if we feel that we are only wasting our time with you we might as well leave. I know in my past relationships with submissives, if they are not openly honest in communication and telling me what they want or asking for what makes them happy in the relationship, then I won’t waste my time. An unhappy submissive is one who won’t willingly follow orders or be happy with you, and vice versa.

    Point blank? Talk to us, don’t be afraid to ask for what you desire.

  12. Leigh

    I have a slightly embarrassing question, I keep reading on this subject, and it is getting a little close to call, and is a bit worrisome; I am a novice sub and my Master knows that I have certain issues (anxiety disorders and depression) which is why we have tailored our relationship into a very personal arrangement. However, when I have my uhm displays of anxiety, sometimes I need touch and sometimes it makes things worse, but I feel like I am making a demand with every time something like this comes up, NEEDING to be alone or NEEDING to be held, which I know is a big no-no…Because of these problems, does this make me an inept submissive? Or because it is something that is necessary for my emotional health, does this make it reasonable? I feel a little lost on the subject ):

  13. Leigh

    Thank you for that assurance, I guess I got overly-worried about it and my online research on the matter turned up a lot of wishy-washy statements on how it is inappropriate for a submissive to demand something and should always try to turn the situation into a suggestion…which I know life can never be so black and white, so concerning my thought process? Wasn’t existing at the time where I finally broke down and asked…lol Feel much better now, and even though I was terrified to ask if he felt it was a problem, he assured me as well that if it is something that I need, than it isn’t even a question on if I should have it, because it is always a yes. Just letting too much get to me I guess lol I should always contact my Dominant before I let myself stress out so much, that was my mistake. Thank you for your quick response!

  14. AmberHeart

    If you are afraid to talk openly with your Domm, then he is not a very good Domm. My Daddy, I can tell him anything and everything and he encourages it. Of course, always approaching with the utmost respect. If he orders me to do something, and I am uncomfortable with it, I talk with him about it, and he talks me through my uncomfortably. If at the end of our talk, I am still uncomfortable, he pushes me a little to at least try it once, if I have never tried it before. But if I actually have a valid reason for not wanting to, he does not make me. But if I say no just to say no, I get punished. It’s all about the Domm’s character outside of being a Domm. Around others, if he is angry a lot, and does not have a very good temper, he will not be a very good Domm.

  15. Angelia

    I recently moved into my Master’s house and ride in the semi with him. I find I am craving more dominance. I need to be submissive or I get on edge and really anxious. I have tried talking to him about how I feel but can’t seem to word it right. I told him I need him to be more dominant and he asks me what kind I want. I am not very experienced in bdsm but have always been the submissive in relationships. How do I explain to him? Could you recommend a site or a way to word it better? Thank you so much.


    Years later, and I still think this is a really great article. It’s amazing how this is STILL a question in the BDSM community. And you are so right, most Doms would like to know what you’re thinking and feeling, and they prefer to hear your input sometimes as long as it’s always given in a respectful way. Thanks for sharing your expertise. A lot of newbies still need to hear it. :)

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