Mentoring, self-help and submissive exploration

lunaKM has been a full-time slave in an M/s relationship for over 10 years. She is the founder and editor of Submissive Guide. Learn more about her here and connect with her on, Twitter, Google+, FetLife.

39 responses to “How to Talk to Your Dominant”

  1. Johno

    My Mistress pointed me at this blog and its helped to move my experience to a higher level. Thanks all for your thoughts and support

  2. Toni-Louise

    thank you for this article it was so helpful. I am a new submissive and have only been in contact with my dom for 1 week. we are constantly in contact and i wait eagerly by the phone for him everyday. he sets me tasks to complete and i do so with great pleasure. communication on my part was hard at 1st. i know what i want but putting that into words is sometimes difficult, but i feel i am learning quickly. just yesterday he said something via message that i was uncomfortable with and he knew because of the time it took me to reply that something was bothering me. i think for me i just struggle with the fact that if he suggest something that i am uncomfortable with if i tell him so then ill be disappointing him?! i was wondering if there were an sites that other submissives use to talk to each other. where new subs could get advice from more experienced subs? thank you in advance x

  3. SubFemale1973AG

    I have problems talking to my Dom about my wants and needs, and today did not help. We are online only right now, but I am moving soon to take it to a irl state. We had a session and it went very well. Afterward we talked and he had previously to me to not shave my pussy, that would mark me for the time being as his. I agreed to this, and have obeyed. Today he told me not to shave my armpits either, and I questioned him. I said “you want me to not shave my armpits?” then hit the enter button without thinking. I then said I didn’t like it but would obey him on it. I immediately realized what I had done and appoligized for questioning him, He was quiet for what seemed forever but was only a minute, and then said he was not happy, that i had disappointed him. That he was testing me to see my understanding (I am very new to Dom/sub, but I am the one who went looking for a Dom, going against all I had been taught in life and going with my need for it), I felt so bad, it hurt to hear him say this. Then he told me he would not dismiss me over it, but I was to remember who was in charge. I will not forget that, and had not meant it to be a challenge to his authority. I asked how I could make it up to him and he has not told me yet. I felt such shame and disappointment in myself that I cried, I did not mean to disrespect him and I do not want him to dismiss me. He is a very kind man to me, and he has left communication open but I must remember he is my Dom, not my bff that I am talking to and be careful with my wording.

  4. SubFemale1973AG

    Thank you for that. I have found him to be very kind and understanding, until today. It was hard to take, but maybe he has some tension in his daily life I don’t know about. He is slowly telling me more about himself, but still shrouded in some secrecy. He will not tell me his last name. Is this normal for a Dom or should I reconsider this one?

  5. SubFemale1973AG

    Also I want to thank you for the information in your posts. I have read many and they have helped me to understand myself so much.

  6. SubFemale1973AG

    Exactly how I felt. Thank you, I did do a reverse email on him, and found his last name. I told him I had done this and he didn’t really seem too upset, only asked why I did that and then told me he would tell me anything I wanted to know, but that he hadn’t released his last name yet. But he did not admit that was his last name nor did he deny it. It was dropped for the time being. I do not believe I have the correct last name from the email look up because he uses initials J.S and the email look up is J.H. I am submissive yes, stupid no. I am not going anywhere until I feel comfortable with it. Also I new to this type on relationship, but I know myself, I knew long ago what I was, that I was not your mainstream “normal” person. I did not have the confidence to show it then though, plus the small town scene is not exactly welcoming to us in the BDSM world. But now my kids are adults and I feel to explore the side of me I tucked away for so long. If this one is not “The One” time will tell. I will play it safe though, I am wondering if he has concerns due to his family (no he is not married, but I know of one child) and that is why he is being secretive. But how can he expect me to tell all if he won’t do the same. If I ignored a question from him the way he did me when I asked if he had any other pets he would have become upset. I had to ask 3 times, but got an answer. Thank you for backing me up in what I know in my heart is right.

  7. little one

    I am a sub in training and I am also having difficulty talking to my Sir. I understand that my Sir is not a mind reader and have been trying to work past my shyness with him. He has asked me to take more of an initiative with him and I am unclear where to start. Any suggestions?

  8. SubFemale1973AG

    I had the same problem at first, but am happy to say I have gotten past it. It helped me to tell my Sir that it was difficult for me to do. He worked with me. I started by making a journal and typing in my thoughts and feelings. This was just for me, my Sir has never read it. I could then talk to my Sir later in the day and tell him many of the things I had typed. I guess for me it was a matter of being comfortable with how I felt. Once I was comfortable with it it was easy to talk about. I can now tell my Sir anything. I do not use the journal anymore. I am secure in knowing that he will not laugh at my words, and that it has helped improve all aspects between me and my Sir. The hardest for me to overcome was talking about my feelings and my desires. I was embarrassed by some of the things I wanted sexually. I was afraid he would laugh at me or think I was weird. One thing that helped it to remember that he chose to take me as his sub, and that meant he wanted all of me, not just a part. And the fact that he did chose me meant that I was attractive to him, and wanted by him. It is dangerous to not share your true feelings with your Sir, because if he wants you to do something you are not comfortable with and you do not tell him you could be hurt. Your Sir, as is mine is a human being, just like you, He wants you to be comfortable with yourself and with him. If you think or feel something just tell him. If he reacts in a way that either you disagree with or are not comfortable with maybe it is a sign that you are with the wrong Sir. While our Sirs/Masters are generally demanding they should still show concern with something is bothering us or we want something. Our wants and needs should be important to them. Now I said important, but not top priority. As a sub my main priority is to please my Sir. In return for that I am well rewarded in the feeling that I get from pleasing him and often from something he does for or to me. Don’t push yourself though when trying to talk to him, just relax and let it flow, practice talking to yourself in a mirror, write it down, whatever works for you. Once you are comfortable expressing yourself that way it should become easy to do it with your Sir.

  9. SubFemale1973AG

    I got the impression she was talking about just general communication with her Sir, like on what she wants and needs and thinks and feels Luna.

  10. little one

    SubFemale1973AG – Thank you for your reply. That helps a great deal knowing I am not the only one who has faced this challenge.
    I have spoken with my Sir and he is aware of the challenges I face with my shyness and is helping me work through them. My Sir and I are separated by 120 miles and can not see eachother frequently due to certain circumstances, as well as the distance.
    Again, Thank You for your comments and I think I will try keeping a journal for the times I am unable to talk to my Sir.

  11. newpup

    Should i have to give a reason for saying “NO” to an activity?

  12. New submissive

    Wow this helps me know how to talk to my Dom better!

  13. Savage

    I am new to the whole sub experience, I have found a very good dominant, but he is married and his wife knows of me and they have an open marriage. I guess I just worry about becoming so attached to him, and after awhile of being with him his wife will start to hate me. But I have tried to separate myself from him and he still wants me in his life, cuz he has asked me to come back to him. And the having strong feelings for him, he says its best if I do cuz it will make me more loyal and a better sub to him, I just don’t want to ruin his marriage if he grows these same feelings for me, so should I stay or part ways?

  14. KA

    Savage….as hard as it may be, you can’t worry about his marriage. You’re there to please your Dom, not his wife (unless she plays with the two of you)
    If you think this worry will be constant and distracting for you, then it may be best to move past him and part ways.
    Having strong feelings for your Dom is inevitable and the feelings he has for you are will develop as well. This relationship is meant to be pleasing and benefit both parties, not laced with worry and doubt.
    I wish you luck Savage.

  15. savage

    Thank you KA, i talked to him some more and he is understanding of this. he did inform me that his wife wishes to play with me as well as him. This will cause less worry for me and the feelings that will devlope later on, i do care for him and pleasing him is something that makes me happy. I like that he is very understanding of me and he is very open with me, so that makes this issue easier to deal with. and again thank you KA.

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