Mentoring, self-help and submissive exploration

lunaKM has been a full-time slave in an M/s relationship for over 10 years. She is the founder and editor of Submissive Guide. Learn more about her here and connect with her on lunaKM.me, Twitter, Google+, FetLife.

10 responses to “A Mentor is Not Your Dom”

  1. keptgirl

    Hi, loved the title! ;)

    I think that as you say, if your “mentor” is teaching you by hands-on sexual activities then, you’ve found yourself a Dom not a mentor.

    A good Dom will mentor you but a good mentor won’t Dom you, you might say.

    I’d definitely prefer to have a mentor of the same role as myself. That way, I’m learning from someone with experience in the path I’ve chosen or discovered I belong on.

    While owned I never responded or chatted with Dominants or any men at all. I’m still reluctant and quite selective to do so even now during a processing period in my life.

    Unfortunately, some have the taboo kink of overstepping mentor boundaries and a fetish of same and as a mentor or teacher wouldn’t bat an eye at taking advantage of some hot action. ha ha I can name a few names.

    Like you said, (good call btw) not all mentors who do this are “bad” but still mentee needs to have a headsup that should they fall for said, their feelings could get hurt. ;)

  2. Hatter'sSlave

    I’ve always thought that “mentorship” by someone not in the same or similar role could be a little hinky. After all, if I want to learn to be a blacksmith, I’ll talk to a blacksmith. Not someone who uses a blacksmith.

  3. Aletheia

    When I began exploring my submission online last year, I was fortunate enough to find (or more accurately, to be found by) a whole group of wonderful individuals, two of whom I consider my mentors: one Dom and one sub. At the time I first met them, they were unofficially a couple. I didn’t realize at the time just how fortunate I was. They both helped me explore my desires and accept them, but I was never taken advantage of in any way. I found it valuable to have mentors in BOTH roles; it was refreshing to ask my questions and get an answer from a Dom’s perspective, knowing he had no ulterior motive. There was never anything sexual between us, and my Dominant mentor has grown into one of my dearest friends. Now that I’m in a relationship I believe is destined for r/t, he’s tremendously supportive and encouraging of my happiness.

  4. lillybopeep

    i have to say i agreed with you on this topic — i’ve met my share of “wolves in sheep’s clothing,” and i don’t think mentorship should include sexual components. how is teaching you to do things the way i like helping you learn to find someone else? =p
    i dunno…

    as far as points to ponder — i’ve thought about finding a mentor (or two) — a Dominant one, who might give me some insight, and a submissive one i could go to with questions or who would understand where i’m coming from.

    many people take mentorship to mean “casual/play Dom” — when i added it to my profile on FL, i got loads of messages about what they could teach me at play parties. =p pfft.

  5. keptgirl

    Something I didn’t mention in my comment above when I said I’d prefer a mentor from my own group is so obvious I don’t know why I didn’t think of it.

    All I’ve known is learning from my Master, I really don’t know much else.

    I’ve had indirect online support from other (consensual) slaves by being in a yahoo community. But nothing other than articles or posts.

    So, having Master be my teacher has meant that learning about specific obedience or other service techniques has been direct and sexual. I guess I’m puzzled about how a Dom could really “discuss” how to be a good slave or submissive.

    Without the responses that happen real time I don’t think a Dom could really know where the sub’s issues lie. It seems that it would be pretty superficial training, if you ask me.

  6. WmCutterBlack

    I understand and respect your concerns. That said, there is often a blurring of lines between mentors and Doms/Dommes. A Dom/Domme is a mentor in the sense of being “a personal trainer”, I think. The more “pure” mentor relationship can essentially only advise as to what the submissive may or may not expect in their future relationship(s).
    Certainly, the protocols and behaviors expected by each individual Dom/Domme will have aspects of the generic and the particular, specific to their relationship parameters.

    I agree that there are online “D/s trolls” only in it for the quick fix, etc. But they are not true lifestylers, I believe, and some are not even really about D/s at all. Sadly, in r/l we also see these types who are opportunists and predators. I don’t, however, agree that in totality that a mentor cannot/should not engage in sexual behavior training for submissives. Each individual scenario and person is unique, just as the relationship can be. That said, there should never be a sense of victimization by the mentor or the sub.

  7. angelquest

    i appreciate Your comments on this – i agree that a Dom, my Dom is a Mentor to me as well as a trainer – plus the incredible sex lol. But seriously, i’ve been very fortunate to find a Dom who’s flavour of D/s is similar to my own. That being said, when i checked with Him about joining this site, He readily agreed, and knows that i will be learning from others. Will i find a single Mentor? Who knows, however the site in general is a Mentor to me.

  8. His beloved

    Considering the topic on mentors. I think it’s fair to also respond in kind to mentor responsibilities. Such as how much a responsibility it can be regardless the dynamic you associate with. A mentor should be there as well. Someone should have experience in play. As well as when taking on a mentor role they should stick to that. Even if they are not sexual they have the responsibility. I feel that way after I had a great mentor and she simply stopped contact without saying why. That hurts as much as a mentor in disguise as a dom who “knows best”

  9. Joan

    Mentoring is very important. ive had some interesting emotional experiences lately regarding my Domme’s mentor. In a sense we are being mentored together. My Domme is new to the process and ive deferred to Her mentor on a number of occasions when i should have deferred to Her first. It has caused me some embarrassment. In a similar situation ive also differed to her Master when i should have deferred to Her. At the very least i have personal awareness of these errors without much in the way of upsetting Her.
    To further complicate a complicated situation, my Domme, who is a slave, is mentoring me. i have asked Her if i might be mentored by another submissive as well simply because i need to talk to someone about our ongoing relationship who isn’t invested. She has persuaded me for now that it isn’t necessary. It would of interest to me to know what other’s think of this situation.

  10. Johnny Cool

    Very good article. I’m a Dominant/Mentor and I never have sex with girls I train. I guide them only in discovering themselves and to prepare them for the Bdsm world and their everyday life.

    Thank you for sharing : )

    Johnny Cool aka Specimenrare

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