From the Submissive Guide Newsletter 10/9/10
Age or experience, particularly of the Dominant seems to always been in question no matter where you are. You hear it in forums, at munches and casual gatherings. So much of what we do hinges on that little bit of information. For many submissives that I’m acquainted with there is no question that experience is important to them. For others they could never see themselves with someone who isn’t their own age no matter their experience level. What is it about those two numbers that makes them so important?
I’ve been asked recently about my opinions on a Dominant’s age and experience, particularly if experience is contingent on their age or if it’s independent. And let me tell you, I am firmly in the experience and age are independent of each other.
Someone who is 40 years old and have 20 years experience will be far more familiar with Dominance than someone who is 40 and has just started exploring. But what about someone who is 23 for example and has been playing since they were 18? Do they get the same credit as someone who is older with the same 5 years experience?
Unfortunately, as I’ve witnessed they do not get the same respect or experience latitude and that’s just wrong. Age is a number that’s had a bad rap in the past, but this has to stop. People are finding kink earlier in their lives and are able to freely explore that once they reach 18. This is because groups everywhere are more publicly visible and can be found online. There’s more information available. Let’s not let the young lose out on the credentials that an experienced Dominant gets just because they are young.
Now I may be exposed to this more regularly because my Dominant is 27 but we’ve been together full time since he was 21. That 6 years of experience is a lot and it can make him a well respected member of the community. Until they see that he’s just 27. For some reason that makes his experience less? I just don’t get it.
It applies to submissives as well, but to a lesser extent. It seems people are more willing to accept a younger submissive than a young Dominant. And don’t get me started on if the Dominant is female vs male. It’s just not right. Our community has the potential to look past so many other issues (body size, mental health, various kinks) but can’t seem to get over someone’s age? How can we continue to be this way?
We need to get over that pre-conception that age makes experience and maturity less valuable. It starts with you who are reading this article. Take the first step to look beyond someone’s age and for a moment suspend the beliefs and stigma that particular age carries with it. See the person.
I’m not asking you to try and date someone young if you firmly believe that your Dominant needs to be older than you are or within a certain age range. But wherever you encounter other Dominants, be it online or in a community, give them a benefit of the doubt. That 22 year old you are talking to could be one of the most intelligent, sensitive and experienced Dominants you meet that night. Don’t disregard them because “we all know young Doms are just there for kinky sex” or “they just want to play, they aren’t serious about the Lifestyle.”
Open up to them, they just might surprise you. I know I wouldn’t be where I am now without my young Dominant.
My name is lunaKM and I’m a full-time stay-at-home submissive in a D/s relationship.
I started blogging when I was exploring D/s online in 2003. I needed advice, mentors and helping hands. Since then I've made it my mission to help novice submissives understand themselves and the services they wish to provide. 
Love the article! I never thought of it that way. Once I brave up and actually get out there (so to speak) I’ll definately have to work to keep this in mind. (I’m definately bias against younger people. Which maybe odd because I’m young myself.) Thanks luna!!
Yup, don’t judge a book by it’s cover! It’s an old adage but it works.
love this article, i am actually older than my Owner by seven years, it is working out great!
i thought at first He might have a problem with the age difference but He does not and
W/we have a wonderful relationship, it is like you said you never know til you open up to them, you will be surprised!!!!
I am 25, and began to openly talk to others about BDSM when I type s 16th and read about tried and experimented around it since then. That is my entire life. But to say you’re an experienced just because you have been doing something in X years can be difficult. Where to be familiar with what you do. you become just by practicing and practice a section until it is in the spine. Example how to hit a knot. But you need to make a new node, you’re back to square one again. And every new relationship is to learn something new. And the further away the new ones that you want to learn is from what you already are familiar with the harder and longer it takes to learn it. Example has only been going on with me in 20 years and want to learn bondage, it’s like you have never been in contact with BDSM.
Although I’ve personally always been with older men, even long before I knew I was a submissive (or ever heard that term), I agree age is just a number. I know people who are in their 20s who are more mature (make better decisions, etc.) than people in their 50s. Even the number of years someone is a Dom or sub is not so important. I once pointed out that someone who has lived in the USA for 5 yrs may speak English better than someone else who has lived here for 30 yrs. I think the same can go with this Lifestyle. Everyone learns at different speeds, and some people are more driven than others to improve or expand their knowledge.
Well, obviously age is just a number for me as well. My current D-type is younger than I as well as that he seems to be as inexperienced as I am. I will have to verify that. Anyway, for some reason, it helps me to know that this is new to him as well – being in an actual D/s arrangement and learning about the lifestyle together.
I absolutely agree… age is just a number and a silly one at that. I’m 23 and though I discovered my kinky side young, i am only just now exploring it. The last man that i had a relationship with was much older than me, he was 52 but that didn’t matter to me at all. i expected people not into kink to give up funny looks or maybe stare. But some of the comments that i got from my friends in the lifestyle were astonishing to me. I in no way felt ashamed of who i was with or that he was 29 years older than me… we were who we wanted and that was enough for me.
Bravo on the article… In a world that has no taboo, age should be the furthest thing from ones mind.
Thank you for your comments.
I’d like to comment though on you saying we are in a world with no taboo. That’s quite wrong. Many of the things that people engage in are considered taboo even among other BDSM practitioners. Race play comes to mind, so does religion play. These I’ve seen frowned upon within our supposed open minded community so unfortunately taboo still exists.
I think the internet is also changing how people think about age. If the beginning of a relationship is more internet based, there is less emphasis on how “it” looks to others in general. It is more about compatibility and interests then mere age numbers. However, I had a terrible time with the age difference between Sir and I for quite awhile and it still bothers me at times. He is 10 years younger than me but has decades of kink experience. There are times I forget the age difference but then my body reminds me. I would like to think I would be accepting of any age difference in others but it is easier said than done sometimes.
Age like many other generalities we make is just another thing that should make us stop and think before judging.