Mentoring, self-help and submissive exploration

lunaKM has been a full-time slave in an M/s relationship for over 10 years. She is the founder and editor of Submissive Guide. Learn more about her here and connect with her on, Twitter, Google+, FetLife.

101 responses to “What FetLife Has Done”

  1. Mjorkk

    Honestly, I feel it has made the community less accessible in many ways. It’s right in the not-quite-a-dating-site sweet spot. It’s just dating-site-ey enough for many kinky people to go there to meet people rather than anywhere else, which tends to “filter them out” from the normal dating sites. However, it’s just not-dating-site-ey enough that, if you are single and lonely (and there are enough out there,) that it really can’t help you in any way. It’s great for established couples/polly groups/whatever to meet each other and share information, but as far as new members meeting new people… not really that helpful. It’s one of those just-enough-of-a-solution-that-no-one-looks-for-a-new-solution-but-not-enough-of-a-solution-to-solve-anything, sort of situations.

  2. CG

    After being initially wowed by the illusion of uninhibited humans living out their dreams, I spent a year on Fetlife… and came to realize… it is a Watering Hole of Idiots. A Ship of Fools. A bunch of mental retards.

    No, nobody did anything to piss me off, nor did I get disappointed because I didn’t find true love. I simply watched and observed and explored and read…. and after a while of following the friend feed, you realize, these people have some serious mental issues going on or are rather… daft, or just stone cold stupid. They went too far embraciing their fantasies, and crossed some imaginary fence, and like in the movie Avalon… became “unreturned”. Now they can’t separate reality from the illusion they created in their head.

    1. Ron

      How true this is. There are some sensible, intelligent people on Fet but they are few and far between. Largely I have found that they’re a self-absorbed bunch of loonies, mental cripples and drunks pursuing mostly fantasies of their own Dommy or subby aspirations. Behind the scenes are a bunch of loyal soldiers, the Caretakers, who carry out the bidding of John Baku, following the mediocre line of refereeing the participants without scaring or upsetting the politically correct quibblers and drones. They freely label anyone they disagree with as ‘trolls’, probably the most common put down.
      I still go in there, as an amused observer, posting my own links, using it as my personal billboard, and perving the odd new pics posted by the members, not that I’m looking anymore for partners. I’ve slowly come to the conclusion, regretfully, that there’s something about our kink that is not healthy in other areas of our normal mental development. Good luck to whomever chooses to sail in ‘M.V.Fetlife’.

  3. B1ue

    Fetlife is a fantastic place to find people who are up for kinky sex and who aren’t caught up in the boring/pretentious side of it

    1. Ron

      Sorry to burst your bubble but Fetlife has as many pretentious bores as you’ll find anywhere. It’s also poorly supervised, with people who have good ideas to discuss getting banned for upsetting the p/c element who control the outfit. For a so-called ‘liberal’ site, it’s managed by a very narrow-minded bunch of moderators.

      1. M. Klown

        This might be the truest statement ever posted.

  4. John

    quite honestly Fetlife has gone down hill and fast in past 2-3 months I had a person harassing me and sending threats In Pm and got response not our problem. I fail to see how people sending threats threw their site is not their problem.

  5. kitten

    I can definitely say I wasn’t a big fan of fetlife from the day I was introduced. I found out about fetlife through people on Yahoo chat back when it was still up and running of course and so many of those people ridiculed me as a submissive and slave for being unwilling to call every man or woman that walked into a yahoo chatroom and called themselves dom or domme sir or ma’am.

    I wasn’t raise as a submissive, and by that I mean I was not introduced into being a submissive/slave and then taught to be one. I was introduced into this world and knew what I wanted from this world. I thought it was important to explore as both slave and submissive and was immediately called a switch and not a real submissive because I could switch. Knowing people like that are on Fetlife makes me not really want to be a part of the site in all honesty.

    I’ve been lucky to meet rather decent people, but most of the doms that I have come to encounter online ae jokes and so are the submissives. To think you can walk into a submissives life and command her is follish and to think every person that says they are dominant then calls you to be a doormat is foolish. I’ve never seen such groups of strange dysfuntional, incestuous, nonsensical, foolishness nor such meaningless relationships except when I was in high school.

    1. Ron

      So correct, kitten. I’ve often had to struggle to keep a straight face meeting some of these people at public play parties and how out of touch their screen nics are with their real persona, physically and mentally.
      ‘Cuddle bunny’ turns out to be a colossally obese woman, while ‘Vampire Gladiator’ (and don’t forget the caps) is a weedy, scrawny midget of no great personality with bad breath. It’d be funny if it weren’t real. Oh well, I’m told that it’s just a manifestation of the fantasy world, and their fantasies are as valid as mine.
      Gotta try it to know where you stand I guess.

      1. kitten

        I don’t know, I definitely do not think that is true. I was introduced to the sexual side of BDSM in my early to mid teens. (I’ve been with a lot of old perverts.) Without ever truly experiencing what it meant to be a slave or a submissive that was what was in my heart. Nothing brings me more pleasure than to service my Master and I have yet to service him sexually. It’s his pride in me that makes me happy, the structure in his strong hand that keeps me level and the fact that I know if I treat him like I have treated any other man that he’d put me in my place and leave me there with the rest of the trash submissives that I have encountered online.

        I knew what it meant to be a submissive, but why not take advantage of a man-boy that calls himself a dominant and can’t even control his own life.

        I think what bothers me even more is this new world of velcro collars and dominants who just hand them out like like a pedo with candy at a comic-con. I can’t ask why no one speaks out about it because I just watch and shake my head in absolute shame, but it’s cheapened things to a point where a collar has lost meaning to some that they used to mean something to. When did collaring someone become less of a commitment and more of a graduation ring? People retire dog collars and these schmucks are collaring 15 people all in the same day that they have invested a week of their lives into.

        I am honestly only still on fetlife because my Master is, before he became my Master I deleted fetlife, but he asked me to reopen my account and journal there for him. Other than that I don’t really talk to people on Fetlife. They are sexual monsters and you have to dig through so much garbage to find decent people.

        1. Ron

          I think we’re fairly close to each other, kitten, from your descriptions.

          “I think what bothers me even more is this new world of velcro collars and dominants who just hand them out like like a pedo with candy at a comic-con.”

  6. newsub

    I first discovered fetlife at the very beginning of my journey. I found it to be incredibly informative as to the different types of play, which I then googled for a description. It helped me to establish my limits and really educated me with regards to BDSM and what I was actually looking for. However, when it came to meeting people, I was bombarded with messages from people wanting photos or cybersex and the mentality of some people reminded me of playground politics! Eventually I found it all too tiring and deleted my account, which was a shame because the site taught me so much.

    1. kitten

      Sure, the site in and of itself can be informative, but I think the thing that always bothered me is how sexually driven everything has become online. I think yes you can have sexual kinks and they don’t bleed into your normal life, but I think a lot of people got into this just to kind of live on the edge because getting bent over and pounded wasn’t edgy enough.

      Some people would say because I live this life 24/7 I think I’m better than the people who do it just for sex, but my biggest issue is mentally broken people saying they are following the guidelines of SSC or RACK, but they aren’t because to be mentally incapable in every day life is foolish to then try to control someone else’s life or submit yourself to someone else’s way of doing things because the question I ask is, are you doing it for the right reasons or are you doing it to get off. Some of those people are capable of change, but only if they take a hard look in the mirror.

      I don’t mean to put D/s relationships above other relationships, but I feel they should be. I have never approached a true dominant the same way I approach a an. Probably because I know I won’t get the same results from the two situations. There are two major points I noticed when it comes to sexually driven D/s people and vanilla people 1) there is a constant level of denial about who they are and they will make a story a lifetime long to avoid the things that reveal their true nature 2) they are extremely lonely and while they complain about never finding love they aren’t looking for it, they are looking for someone to manipulate and control.

      There are very few whole people in this sea of halflings. My biggest issue is that the halflings will float where ever necessary to feel loved for five minutes instead of taking five minutes to love themselves which in turn makes a good thing look bad.

      1. Ron

        Yes, I agree. It’s not a popular opinion but I’ve grown to believe that there are more nutters in ‘the lifestyle’ than not. There are certainly far more nasties. It’s become a kind of refuge for the desperate.

        1. kitten

          Meh. Some people are not worth the breath. It bothers me more than anything that good people who are genuinely curious about this lifestyle are introduced to the majority which seems to be a bunch of fake people online. It’s sad because I know what it’s like being around those people.

          I am lucky I met my Master though and though he wasn’t ready to be a Master when I met him. Later in life he took time and grew as a man and we ended up getting back together nearly eight years later, but the difference is he realized he was wrong and when he had the opportunity to have me back in his life he took it not only for himself, but for me as well because I am the main focus in every way right now, but that is to continue my own personal growth.

        2. kitten

          I don’t know, I pretty just use my fet page as a way to do journal entries on a regular basis.

      2. Jessica

        what is a an?
        “I have never approached a true dominant the same way I approach a an”

  7. t03L|ck3r

    dec. 2013 i was turned on to fl (lower case intentional) because one of my good female friends told me about it. i was having fun and meeting other folks, becoming interested in other fetishes. in general having a great time. then out of nowhere i get an email from a caretaker stating that
    several (1-100?) fetlifers complained that i had stolen and/or copyrighted photos??? uh ok???
    deletions of hentai pics ensued followed by another email (passive/aggresive this time-laff) from a different caretaker. this on went
    on to say i had pics (specific ones this time) that weren’t mine. now its wtf!?!?!? after trying to ask nicely what the issue was, my account was deleted. very nice. my pics were headshots of myself and pics of feet/toes that I had taken over the years… none was stolen or copyrighted. but i dont feel like going back on fl, my main complaint is about rogue caretakers with a VERY big chip on their shoulders. its too bad i really enjoyed my time there. anyone know of a similar site that is not tainted with gestapo tactics? i dont do fakebook.

    1. Ron

      I’m not surprised! Frankly FL went out of favour with me long ago after a series of hypocritical disputes with their Caretakers over their TOUs (Terms of Use) which are only selectively applied. Eventually I was deleted and banned and my profile expunged. Doesn’t stop me still going back using different nics and pics. Sometimes my stuff lasts for hours, sometimes mere minutes, but I still have the satisfaction of having my say in the political groups, by direct alerts to people’s private inboxes. Interestingly I have made more friends this way, privately of course, as FL warns them against communicating with me on site. So we’re not alone in our complaints. I guess while Baku is still churning over the income from the mugs who are paying subscribers the situation will continue. I believe that other business groups are interested in buying FL so maybe things will change then. In the meantime, just join us sock account ‘members’.

  8. Paul

    I have found that the some people on fetilfe have been trying to get with my love.
    I thought the fetlife site was only to be your talking about fetish stuff. Not in trying to get in to new members pants.
    I’m not a member, my beautiful love is.

    1. FatherJon

      I’m amused at anyone complaining about someone trying to lure his lady through Fetlife. If he’s that worried, get her to quit Fetlife. Simple as that. Despite their protests otherwise, Fetlife is at the end of the day, mainly a hook-up site.
      I’d be more worried that she’d fall under the spell of the slanderers and troublemakers of which there are plenty operating out of their wheelchairs and mummy’s basements.

  9. blahblahblah

    i went on fetlife to check out some of the anal sex groups. i am a man and like women that receive anal. i thought i would be able to meet women, at least as online friends, that shared my interests. i will say this again and again and again: I dont and didnt want to try to turn a girl on anal sex. i understand that it is very taboo and dont want to every take advantage of anyone and i dont expect a woman to do something she doesnt want to do. that is why fetlife sounded cool. i thought it would be a place to meet women who were into anal and had experience doing it.

    however, all i seemed to find was ridicule. for every positive response i received at least 3 negative responses. i just dont get why people would go on there to bash people. it was, at least i thought, suppose to be an open-minded and accepting community. a lot of women got pissed at me and acted like i was trying to take advantage of unsuspecting women and that my views were unrealistic because there are no women that do anal. that i need to stop dreaming. even though many other women had commented in the few threads i had started and on other threads stating that they enjoyed anal and did it regularly. some women stated that they liked it more than vaginal sex….

    my point is that i know my kink is very taboo. i know i am not for everyone. i know everyone is not for me. but i respect others! i dont understand why people with a negative view towards anal sex would go into an anal sex group and talk shit to people. i am not into bondage. in fact i personally think it is weird but i dont make fun of people that do like it. and i will not join a bondage group because i have a negative view towards it and i keep those opinions to myself. i respect people for being different i dont ridicule them for it!

    i got sick of the haters and deleted my account, this was a while back

  10. FatherJon

    I fully sympathise with you over Fetlife responses. As a fellow anal lover, I can assure you that there are plenty of women who like/prefer anal. Some are on FL others you find in the broad spectrum of women out in the community.
    I suggest that you’ve gone into those anal sites on bad days. Just keep pumping away (no pun intended). Every group in FL has its permanent trolls, who are only there to rubbish and criticise. I developed a distinctly accurate picture of those types from the amount of hours they’re available, regardless whether they’re in North America, Australia or Europe. They are always there! One has to wonder at the paucity of their lives when all they have to do it sit in front of a monitor 24/7 looking to ridicule and criticise.
    Crack hardy!

  11. Chuck

    Fetlife is total CRAP! Waste of time! I could see anyone with an interest in the community being disillusioned by this site. Only the nutcases and the “models” trying to turn a quick buck are on this site.

    1. FatherJon

      Be of good cheer, Chuckles. It’s not all bad at Fet. Despite the idiotic people who run the show, there are a few good people there. They’re not all ‘nutcases and models’. Mind you, the best I’ve found tend to have become friends off site. My presence is only ever casual and temporary as a socky, my posts being deleted regularly depending on how observant or engaged the ‘CareStasi’ are.
      CareStasi, btw, is the term one of our members on Fet has rebadged the Caretakers, due to the sad nature of their volunteer job, virtual snitchers on their fellow posters who don’t fit the politically correct TOUs, themselves a movable feast.

  12. Bianca

    This really depressing stuff. I have been interested in bdsm since my teens and this just makes me want to give up completely. I have tried fetlife and I find it to be a judgemental, spooky, paranoid place. Kink is supposed to be fun. Pursuit of happiness is just a bad dream.

    1. FatherJon

      Sadly, Bianca, you’re on the money there! Fet is just a garbage bin for all the losers and wannabes whose main sex life is a weekend chat session online.
      There ARE a few pearls among the pebbles, for sure, but you have to look long and hard to find them.

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