There’s a lot of debate, in our kinky little corner of the worldwide web, about kinky people who have mental health issues. What kinds of problems they cause, how to keep them from destroying the mood in kinky venues, whether or not D/s (and the structure that often comes with it) can help a person with mental disorders, whether or not they should be involved in kink or dominant/submissive relationships… The thoughts and opinions, as with just about every topic of discussion, are all over the place.
Why does this matter to me?
I have mental health issues.
I’ve been in and out of therapy since I was about sixteen. Mostly because my parents knew there was something wrong, but couldn’t figure out what, and really didn’t know how to handle me anymore. When I was twenty-ish, the small-town police where I lived had me committed to the mental health unit of a local hospital for suicide threats. Later that year, I admitted myself because I ran out of my meds, my psychiatrist was out of town, and not even my regular MD would sign off on a refill, which caused a massive panic attack that lead to suicidal thoughts and threats. And not far into the next year, I attempted suicide for the umpteenth time (and the last), got caught by M’s ex-fiance (my then-best-friend), and was committed again.
I don’t have a set-in-stone diagnosis. None of the therapists or psychiatrists I’ve dealt with have been able to agree on one. A few things that have been mentioned are bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, anxiety/social anxiety disorder, chronic clinical depression, and AD(H)D. One doctor mentioned the possibility of me suffering from schizotypal personality disorder, but I’ve never really put much stock in that. I mean, yeah, I’m a little on the paranoid side, but I think my paranoia fits more with the definition of anxiety disorder than SPD.
I don’t know how much, if any of it, is actually something I suffer from. When professionals can’t agree, it’s really difficult to make that determination based solely on my own perception of my mood swings and crippling panic attacks.
And that is the biggest problem I have with the mental health profession. So many mental disorders can only be diagnosed by spending time with the person and seeing how they react to different stimuli. And many people with mental health issues, myself included, are amazingly proficient at putting their best foot forward when they feel the need to.
Especially me. Because growing up the adopted child of a Southern Baptist military man from Texas, and a United Methodist Yankee with money, everything’s all about appearances. And having a child with emotional issues is a sign of bad child-rearing, not a mental health problem that should be treated. Something to be humiliated by, not helped.
I haven’t attempted or threatened suicide since the last time I was committed in 2002. I won’t lie and say I don’t occasionally have thoughts. But they are few and far between, I never act on them, and they usually occur when I’m overwhelmed, and overstressed, and can’t figure a way out of it.
It’s hard to determine what the change in my ability to control my mental state was caused by. Too many factors are in play. Like the fact that the last suicide attempt was a serious wake-up call, and proved to me that the relationship I was in and out of for six years was unhealthy for all parties involved. Or that I met M, begged for/accepted his collar, and suddenly had rather rigid structure that I hadn’t had since I was a child. Or the fact that I’d spent about two years in and out of mental health institutions and out-patient therapy. Or that I quit all the recreational drugs I was using, seriously reduced my alcohol use, and started paying attention to triggers and learning how to deal with them.
All of those things could have contributed to my sudden semi-stability. Or none of them could have. It’s just not possible to know for sure why I’m doing so much better than I was in my teens and early twenties. Maybe I just grew up!
I’m not perfect by any means. I mood-swing like it’s nobody’s business, and go into deep depressions where I can’t get out of my own way, and have at least one severe panic attack a month. But I’m getting better without any help from the mental health profession.
(Disclaimer: I am not suggesting anyone try to handle mental health issues on their own. I know that there are good professionals out there and that they are able to help some people. I just have yet to find the one for me, and I’ve pretty much stopped looking. Please do not take my experience and apply it to your own situation. It could prove to be damaging to you and those around you.)
If I’m to be honest, I’d have to say that a lot of the common stereotypes about people with mental health issues irritate me. Granted, some of us are completely off our rockers, and we should absolutely be seeking consistent, strenuous professional help, if not in-patient care. I’ll give you that. But the truth of the matter is, they are the exception, not the rule.
If you were to meet me on the street and have a conversation with me, no matter how long or short, you would have no idea that I have problems keeping myself on an even keel. Hell, I have friends I’ve known for years who wouldn’t have a clue that I have been in and out of psychiatric care since I was sixteen if it weren’t for the fact that I’m pretty up front about it.
Most of the time, I’m coherent, stable, able to participate in intelligent conversation. I take pretty good care of myself. The only hygienic thing I skip from time to time is shaving my legs, but I think a lot of us do that. It’s so time consuming!
No one ever feels endangered by my presence. In actuality, I’ve been told that I have a calming, soothing affect on people from time to time. And even when I did go into blind rages, coming out with no recollection of what I’d done (hasn’t happened in eight years), I only ever hurt myself or my own belongings. I never turned my anger on anyone else. Even the person who caused it. Well, until I started fighting back. Refusing to take the abuse lying down.
To be honest, I’m not entirely sure who to be angry at. The fact of the matter is, I caused at least half of my problems growing up. I’ve always been my own worst nightmare. And when there’s no one else to blame, it must be that I’m a shitty person, so I direct the anger at myself.
Until recently. Recently, since I’ve found a man who will shoulder the blame that he’s owed, I’ve directed the voice of my anger at him. I still reserve the physical expression for when I’m alone.
Over the next post or three (I’ve got no exact direction with this series, just some idea of where I want to end up. So it may be all over the place, and if so, I apologize.), I’ll tell you what it’s like for me, on a day to day basis, how the structure in our relationship works, how the issues affect our relationship… I hope, if anything, this series helps others out there like me.
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My name is lunaKM and I’m a full-time submissive in a D/s relationship. I am webslut to 
I’ve got many mental health issues as well. I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) and Bipolar II Disorder and have been in and out of mental hospitals, especially in the past year. But I feel that my relationship with my Master has done nothing but improve myself. That’s not to say I don’t get help for my problems or I don’t take my medication, but it’s very therapeutic to have someone guide me through my day, especially when I’m having an off moment.
I look forward to what you have to say in the rest of this series. It’s an issue that I have a lot of personal interest in.
Thank you for this article. And for your honesty it is much appreciated.
I too have my share of mental health issues, living with Depression for most of my life. There have been times when it has been very easy to cope and times when the panic and fear is utterly overwhelming. My issues have been treated from many directions but ultimately I found a terrific therapist who gave me the time and direction and respect I needed. My late 30′s have proven to be the calmest part of my life.
The only lingering aspect is my own self berating. To say I can be hard on myself is an understatement. And it’s something that has had to be address by my Dom, only recently in fact. This is very new to me. To have Him intercede and place an Instruction as a deterrent to my negative behaviour is such an unusual approach for me.
He can see how I get stuck in a self-criticizing spiral and He sees my utter frustration and anger. But He also sees my hopes and dreams for the future and so He helps me.
I think it’s His commitment to me that has impacted me the most, so that it seems easier to do this for Him than to do it for me. Is this a case of reverse psychology ???
Ultimately, when I was growing up I always wanted to feel as though I belonged to something, I always felt lost and mistrustful. But now I belong (to Him) and that brings with it a wholeness and a strength. I can take all the good stuff I have learned down through the years in therapy and combine it with the structure my D/s relationship brings. The desire to be a ‘good girl’ or to be ‘His girl’ has brought a shift in my thought process.
This shift has proved to be a catalyst for positive change for me.
Regards
rbc
rbc, lilikka, and Rayne, Thank you for the post and the comments. It’s nice to hear the voices of subbies who have been there. I have dealt with depression on and off since my early 20s and am now in my early 40s. Like rbc, a huge part of it is beating myself up. Little things start to add up and then I start to spiral downward and it’s hard to catch myself even with the help of a therapist and medications. My Sir is wonderful about encouraging me to express my feelings – it sounds stupid to say, but so many people in my life just haven’t been that way – they don’t want to hear it. I feel very blessed. Can’t wait to read the upcoming posts.
I think this a fantastic topic and I’m very interested to read how M structures your day and helps you through. I sympathize as I’m my own worst critic with varies anxiety and depression troubles and I have tried to stick to a list or schedule for years and have not yet to complete it, accept for that one time a few weeks ago. (That was a hooray moment let me tell you!)
My own Master and I are trying to find the dynamic and structure that works for us and I look forward to your insight. =)
Great post. You had a way of writing about this very level headed-ly (is that a word?)
I’ve had some similar experiences as you without comparing, that’s not the point whose was worse or whatever, over my life, and like you no one would guess today I’d ever had any diagnoses or been in any psyche ward and such.
I too find the structure of being in M/s great, really good and helpful alot but also I swear by healing with whole foods and a holistic daily regime. That part I actually share with Master, He asks about it and wants me to. It’s been calming for Him as well.
I also had addiction issues, you weren’t real clear as to whether you felt you had addiction or maybe just too much of alcohol and drugs, not really a full-fledged addiction. But, for me, recovery–beginning almost two decades ago–made a big difference in my mood swings. I had the kind of recovery folk in my life who were holistic though as well rather than meds it was “potatos” for example. ;)
It gets more complex than that of course. I mean, an indepth really lifestyle complete with excercise, creativity, herbs and whole foods, raw cleanses and so forth and so on.
But still, I really find the M/s which I’ve only discovered three years ago–to really have deepened my stability.
I swear by plenty of fresh greens and out with processed foods, a good nights’ sleep and daily body movement such as walking, running, swimming, yoga, or pick your favorite. Along with that, some spiritual type connection–which for some of us *is* our M/s which can be quite devotional and spiritual. I have sort of a combo of the Universe through Master and t he Universe supporting U.us both type of thing. I think, M really supports me glowing and thriving, it’s a directive ;) so that really helps. I think He does understand parts of myself that I didn’t know existed and certainly no one else ever dared to delve into.
So, I really appreciate you posting that, quite brave, and in the hopes you’d help someone else. I think it is helpful for others. There’s enough stigma to not speak about any of it to anyone. I’m sorry but western medicine is so retarded when it comes to degenerative disease that I can’t really take it seriously the mental health aspects either. I’ve done a lot of peer listening exchanges which really help release the tension that causes anxiety I’ve found–rather than medicate it which just lets the fear sit there waiting until the meds run out.
I’m going on way too long here but just appreciate so much the struggle. I think there’s more too, to discuss, about the impact of society on how your feelings surfaced early on. Some would say your rebellion was well-placed along with your angst. ;)
best wishes,
kg
Something that really helped me through my struggle with the depression was the idea of ‘I am’ statements. I was in therapy and also reading books like The Secret and similar books including Louise Hay. I amalgamated a lot of ideas to come up with something that worked for me.
When I began to look at my inner dialogue I noticed that I was always thinking of myself in an extremely negative way. I am fat. I am ugly. I am lazy. I am not worthy. And so on and so forth to the nth degree. In my exploration of this I came to understand that whatever I say I am, I am. So I began to challenge how I think about myself.
I came to understand that it’s not about hoping for the future (because the future never really comes) it’s all about the present moment. The mind really only works in the present moment, I think that life is a series of present moments or now’s. There was no point in thinking I will be ok tomorrow (again because tomorrow never comes – there are always lots of tomorrows). I had to begin thinking about my life as a series of NOW moments.
I started writing, and it was very slow at the start. I simply said, I AM ok, I AM calm, I AM confident. I also had to start changing the words that I use to describe myself. Instead of saying, I am NOT lazy, I had to get rid of the NOT and change the negative ‘lazy’ to a positive ‘active’ so the statement became ‘I AM active’. Also if I say, I will be thin; again that implies that someday in some future moment I will be slimmer, this doesn’t comply with my idea of NOW moments. I have to say ‘I am slim’ (despite whatever I see in the mirror!). But then I have to take that a step further, how do I make the statement ‘I am slimmer’ a reality to really make it true in each present moment. So I can say that ‘I am eating healthily’ or ‘I make positive choices in the food I eat’. And as I change my thought process I become aware of the choices I am making in the moment, do I really want that Chocolate Bar? (I always want the chocolate bar but I have to ask myself if it complies with my idea that I am slim… so I resist).
If I continually say I am depressed then there is only one way for my mind to handle that; I am always depressed. But if I change that ‘I am’ statement to ‘I am growing’ or ‘I am well’ or whatever statement You want to use, but it has to be a positive now moment statement.
I am a procrastinator there is no doubt and there are many times I fail in my desire to challenge myself and grow. I wanted to get out there do stuff but FEAR is my greatest enemy and I would nearly always talk myself out of things. I over think things far too much. My Dom knows enough about me to know what I want to accomplish but He sees the things that get in my way. He brings the discipline to accomplish the goals I wish for myself.
I also had the notion of a ‘second thought’. So much of the time I catch my inner dialogue saying something nasty about me. I try to counteract this nasty thought with a ‘second thought’ which is a direct positive of the negative thing I berated myself with.
Recently I have had to get back to all of this because I had been slipping down the slippery slope of negative inner dialogue and when it all exploded, my Dom was there to instruct me to ‘pause’ and then I read the article that prompted this discussion and here I am reminding myself of how I have overcome it in the past – I need to get back into my NOW moments.
I love this. The honesty and the experiences you have encountered stikes a strong chord with me. I am currently going through another low in a depression which has been flowing in and out of my control for over 10 years.
It is good to read I am not along in this.
I also have addiction problems, or had, I am now over one year into recovery and working a successful (so far) 12 step programme. This has had positive effects in all aspects of my life.
Thanks x
[...] Kink and Mental Health: The Background [...]
my mental health issues have diminished to unnoticeable since dj dan took me in hand
my psych team are amazed
I may lose my disability pension if i am not careful….
xxxx
I was also adopted by a middle class okie family.I totally know what you mean about appearances. When I turned 15 was my first noticeable bout with depression. I did not get a handle on until I was 20. It occurred to me one day that I work in cycles and I could choose to jump in and embrace my depression head first or I could do my best to tread water and not sink quite as far, thus emerge sooner. For what ever reason that gave me the tools I needed to function. I have learned my triggers and only rarely have suicidal thoughts and never act on them any more. I dont usual even fantasize about it when i do anymore. I think being a mother makes a big difference. I also think that I figured out I dont want to do anything that pulls me towards the void of depression. A no brainer right? lol It only took me years to figure that one out. lol