Each month I answer questions asked by readers like you. Come see what I've answered this month.
Q: I'm quite new to the idea of being a submissive, but after a lot of research and buying a lot of books, I feel that I am ready to explore a bit more. I met an online Dom a couple of months ago. We live a couple of cities away, and mainly communicate through texts. Lately, he's become a bit distant, or even lagging in his responses and I don't know what to think. When asking when he's coming over, I always hear the work excuse, yet he claims he cares about me very much. What should I do? To add to the question I just posted about meeting the online Dom a couple of months ago, I have had a couple scenes with him, so I believe he is who he says he is. Should I be concerned that he is being distant?
A: Since it's been only a few months it's hard to say if his distance is normal or not. Since you live several cities apart and do have lives to lead it could very well be likely that he is busy. It is also likely that he could have someone else on the side (or you could be the 'on the side' mate).
Without making any assumptions though you need to bring up to him why he's more distant. If the answers you are receiving don't sit well with you then do what you need to to feel comfortable. You didn't say whether the two of you are exclusive or not and being that this is a new relationship a lot of thing could be going on on his end. Have you covered wants and needs for the relationship? Is more regular contact on yours, but he feels that contact via text isn't as important to him? Maybe he isn't ready for the commitment that you are looking for?
Again, it's hard to guess since we don't get his side of things and while I hate to assume the worst it could be possible that he's just not that into you or he's a trolling dominant that is out for a good time and nothing more. I highly recommend trying to get him to talk to you about your needs and wants for the relationship, whatever they may be and see if you can't find a common ground. If that's not possible then you might do better continuing your search.
Q: In a D/s relationship, honesty and trust are very important. Is witholding the same as lying?
A: Yes, keeping information from each other, in my opinion, is the same as lying to them. This is especially true if it could impact the decisions being made or the understanding of the situation as a whole.
Q: My husband and I have entertained the idea of both a D/s and M/s relationship. Every time I bring it up, he says yes he would love to try it... but he never says anything past that. How do I get him to open up?
A: I think he just doesn't know how to get started. Sit down with him and talk about what you would like from a D/s relationship. Be explicit about why a D/s relationship sounds good to you and see if he can also say what might be nice from his standpoint. A good book for those interested in getting started is
Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission
Q: In order to move forward into a D/s relationship with a Dom I have to give him a list of wants, needs and expectations. In my normal life I have never had anyone want to know these facts and I am at a loss as to how to start this list. I do know I want Honesty, Trust and Security. (not mometary but emotional) How do I go about this list?
A: Start with making a list of every single thing you want or need... anything at all. Then go over the list again and decide if it's something that if you had to go without it you could. Those things are your wants. Anything else is needs.
Need more help?
You are in luck. I have a free report about wants and needs and it details what should go on the two lists and how to talk about them. You can get the report by signing up for my monthly newsletter on the right hand side of the website or by clicking here.
