Every relationship dynamic is different. If you’ve been following this blog for any length of time you have been exposed to some very unique relationships and the submissives in those relationships. There are submissives who are pets, some who are slaves, others who, like you’ve read recently, are hunt sluts for their owners. Today I’m going to talk about another form of submissive; one who I think might appear to have their roles crossed.
I’m talking about the submissive who tops their Dominant. This has nothing to do with topping from the bottom. This is an agreed upon role that the submissive top their owner during play. It’s not as uncommon as you might think that a Dominant could be masochistic and need a sadist to satisfy their needs. It’s also very common that submissives might have or develop a sadistic streak. This pairing could blossom into a healthy service dynamic for the couple.
So, what is topping again? Topping, in this context is any sexual, sensual or play activities that the submissive performs as the top role to the Dominant. It could be bondage, CBT, spanking or other forms of pain play. It could be sexual denial or erotic oversensitivity. Anything that a sadist can come up with and a masochist will receive.
The myth that Dominants can’t possibly be masochist is one that needs to be understood. Sadism and masochism are separate from Dominance and submission. They are, in fact, wired directly to your sexual personality and not your mental personality. That is why sadism and masochism can exist without elements of D/s. It’s purely the physical kink that many of us enjoy.
I know a Dominant that has difficulty finding partners because she not only wants a submissive, but also a sadist. She wants someone that she can direct to flog her correctly, or tie her breasts painfully tight. If she wants to be struck harder, she expects that the submissive would obey. Submissives that are willing to learn the activities of a sadist (and one thought to be Dominant-acquired only) are rare.
Now think about what impression you would have of someone if you say them tied to the cross and being flogged but directing the whole scene almost blow by blow? What would you think of the person administering the flogging if they quietly and calmly obeyed the commands of the floggee? Would you think that they weren’t quite Dominant or that the one on the cross wasn’t a good submissive? Well you’d be right. For this example, the Dominant is the floggee and the submissive is applying the flogger. For them, this works and is just as exciting as the other way around. Passing judgement can fog your perception of what may really be going on.
On occasion I am requested to top my Master. It is part of what makes our relationship unique. It has also not come easy for me because I had some of the same perceptions as I described earlier. I thought that if I topped my Master that I wouldn’t be submissive or that he would lose his Dominance. This has not happened. It has just broadened my skill set and value for my Master. He knows that if the itch needs to be scratched that I can serve as his sadist until the need subsides. This does not make him any less my Owner and me less of a submissive.
Accepting my place required a lot of inner reflection and development of my understanding in what sadism and masochism is and how, as I’ve described above, they are completely separate from our dynamic roles. There are still times that I get caught in my own web of confusion and Master is right there helping through it. How can a submissive top? How can the Dominant really enjoy it? These are but a few of the questions that kept going through my head. Thankfully I serve him a lot better than I did in the past and have found that I enjoy these moments myself.
Ultimately, this means that you have to learn how to do the activities requested of you safely and well. I’ve taken to reading about what my Master likes and learning the safety aspects as well as ways to enhance the play time when he requests it. I revel in my new learning and embrace the chance to broaden my skill set. This is a service I never thought I would be providing.
photo by orin zebest
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My name is lunaKM and I’m a full-time submissive in a D/s relationship. I am webslut to 
This is a wonderful article! You really hit the nail on the head. I speak from knowledge since I am a masochistic Dominant. You got it dead on that the physical play has nothing to do with the D/s dynamic. In fact I refer to a submissive who is willing to top me as a service top. She is serving me by topping me. And it is true that I am in absolute control since if I say “stop” or I say “harder” it is her job to obey.
It took me a few years to figure out just what I am. Through experimentation I found out I am not a switch at all. I have absolutely no desire to serve in any fashion. I simply enjoy pain occasionally. I like flogging, canes, single-tails, straps, and I really love thud. The fact that I seem to have a rather high pain tolerance doesn’t hurt either, no pun intended, lol.
I have become friends with a couple local Mistresses who are willing to top me every now and then. And I know one submissive who will also be a service top for me. I have also come to find out that I am nowhere near alone in my enjoyment of pain though I am admittedly in a minority. I don’t have my own submissive at the moment so just like I find people to top and play with I also find those who are willing to top me.
Thank you luna for a really good article on the subject.
G
Service top! That’s the word that was escaping me as I was writing this article yesterday. Thank you!
It’s nice to hear that other people get this concept. You are by no means alone in this as I am a masochist myself. People often confuse us with swicthes which isn’t the case. If you enjoy it more power to you.
How did you get comfortable dishing out the new side of things LunaKM? i don’t want him to be the “guinea pig” or something.. any tips appreciated. i mean.. i can do the attitude pretty well.. but the actual skills practiced safely. Thanks, -d
It’s still a bit uncomfortable for me to take the lead, but I do realize that KM is still in control of things so I just have to relax and do what I’m told. As far as skills it just takes practice. When I let my Dominant lead me through it I learned what he liked and didn’t like. I read a lot about what he was asking me to do (as if I were a top) and understood the safety aspects of it. Hope this helps!
id like to follow your blog..where is it?
My blog is at http://lunakm.me
“I read a lot about what he was asking me to do (as if I were a top) and understood the safety aspects of it.”
BINGO!
[...] you ever been asked by your Owner to switch and play the top for him; also called a service top? [...]