Mentoring, self-help and submissive exploration

Rayne Millaray is a wild, 30-something, sex enthusiast who’s been “just one of the guys” for as long a she can remember. She’s been having sex since 1996, blogging about her sex life since 2005, advocating for a sex-positive society since 2008 and working in the adult industry legally since 2010. Her writing is published on various blogs around the web, including her personal site Insatiable Desire. She used to write a weekly column for Albany’s #1 rock station. And she was once Editor in Chief of SexIs Magazine. Rayne is, without a doubt, the girl your mother warned you about. Chaos incarnate. And she loves it.

9 responses to “Honest Communication or Bust”

  1. bunny

    ahhhhh… this story hit home with me on so many levels. it is painfully difficult for me to be open and honest with Master when i know my answer isn’t going to be what he desires. but open and honest i must be. *sighs* it can be extraordinarily difficult.

    how many times have i wanted to appear better than i am? more interesting than i really am? more intelligent, more intuitive, more charismatic, etc…. sometimes, it’s hard to admit that i’m just normal, just average, just human.

    i’m a runner too. i enjoyed reading about the rules that were put in place within the author’s M/s dynamic to prevent this. my Master has put some rules in place also to circumvent the episodes that normally precede my “bolt and run” behavior. they have been quite effective.

    thank you for the excellent article. i enjoyed reading it.

  2. littlecubsub

    Wow…..what an honest and inspiring article. What you say is so true about communication. That is one area that is so very important, like you said, in any relationship. Although at times, I may hold back or skirt around certain things, Master knows me well enough to keep at me until I can speak what’s really on my mind. I hope others will take the lessons from you and remember what you have said. I certainly will.

    I am glad things are working out for you. :)

  3. kbee

    that’s a beautiful and touching story. it’s so good that something happy can come out of that dark place.

    thank you for sharing.

  4. Hislilgirl

    It’s not always easy, being honest about one’s feelings and I definitely identify with running and hiding rather than dealing. Some times it is out of frustration but mostly, I think fear is at its core. Being vunerable is scary. You have inspired me to do a blog regarding just that. I think I am pretty good at communicating my needs, but maybe sometimes those needs are wants and I just don’t know it and maybe sometimes, I just need to accept that what I really “need”, is to be more patient and stop running scared. Perhaps at times, real life interferes and if I truly run away, then I loose something that is very dear and special in the process. Note to self, patience is a virtue in overcoming fear.

  5. subheaven

    I have just read this and feel this is so close to me, I too am a runner I think. I too will run from relationships after a certain period of time regardless of whether they are going right or wrong.

    I have just been released from my relationship with my Master, right up till the week that I did it, there was nothing wrong. I made a snap decision but I am doubting if it is the right one. He wasn’t angry about this but he was hurt and confused and it now seems all wrong for the reasons that it ended.

    Since the split we have talked so much about us and our feelings, the relationship, the bits outside of our relationship (ie his being unable to commit due to family commitments), in fact we have talked about everything we never did during the relationship.

    I wish that I had had the clause that you had that stopped me bolting, that made us sit and talk about things. Maybe we could have worked it out.
    I have a lot of issues with maintaining any sort of relationship, I crave for a M/s relationship mixed with the vanilla things in life, but I am unsure if vanilla is something that I can sustain.

    Thank you for your article, it has been very enlightening for me.


  6. Torbjörn

    I, as owners become more or less mad on my slave when I ask her, she thinks that she has been obeyed in the day “. I get that is the answer” Do not know “

  7. s

    this hits home for me too right now – I’m a major stuffer and a runner – It’s been the key to my survival practically my entire life – obviously with master it’s different – there’s no ‘need’ to stuff or run – yet, I still catch myself if I’m not careful – just caught myself on it a day or so again, realized I’d been hiding things from him, mentally running from him (which for me leads up to trying to push him away then running) I’m expected to journal to him everyday – if not journal then write something as an ‘update’ or ‘where I am today’ sort of thing — Master wants me to quit smoking and I asked him to help me when I do – he said I will quit when I ‘have reason enough to’ — this reminded me I need to face the reality and him, that admitting I’m not so sure I’m ready to right this second makes me feel like less of a sub – like his will – him wanting me to quit – me knowing that’s one thing he wants so badly for me – is…. almost…. not enough ‘reason’ ? I feel like that should be enough ‘reason’ to make me ready to quit right this second – I feel like I’m letting him down – I’m ashamed of myself – there’s nothing I want more than to make him proud and do the very best I can in maintaining his property – and I Know that smoking is not doing that – so I feel ashamed and ‘not worthy’ – as if “the simple fact that I know it would make him so incredibly happy and proud of me to quit” isn’t enough motivation for me to quit right now – sorry lol started typing and it just poured out lol in tears now lol mentally in my head I’m screaming at myself “You’re not trying hard enough! bend your will to his! It’s what you want and need and it’s your responsibility!! It’s what HE wants – that alone should be ‘reason’ enough!!!” —- but because I feel ashamed and ‘not worthy’ now my instinct is to stuff – hide it – not admit what I’m thinking and feeling – and if I do that I know the domino effect will begin and I will begin to run — lol sorry guess I really needed this today transparency IS the only way – when I’m not transparent to him I also find I feel “lost” – I feel our connection and relationship begin to taper off as if I’m drifting away from him – that’s usually my clue to look inside myself and figure out what I’ve been witholding
    (think I’ll just copy and past this exact comment of mine to him lol)
    – Sorry if I rambled lol but thank you for this one :)

  8. lunaKM

    You have to want to do it for you. Quiting smoking, losing weight, changing any habit has to be done because you want to – not just because you feel like you should for someone else. Yes even if that someone else is your Dominant.

    So instead of thinking “it’s what HE wants” is this something you can honestly say, “it’s what I want?”

  9. s

    Yes – It’s also what I want – and what I ‘need’ to do for my health as a cancer survivor – but personally, I want to quit because I don’t want to continue smoking knowing I’m killing my lungs and increasing my chances for lung cancer knowing that my cancer (that’s in remission) has almost spread to my lungs before.
    I feel responsible to myself and my son to quit. I used to be a cutter and master helped me quit that – it seems that my only vice now is smoking and I want more than anything to quit – I know once I got past the withdrawals and was smoke free the self control to simply not pick it back up would be simple for me. But it’s the actual act of putting them down and staying away from them while my body is learning to cope without the nicotine that’s so hard for me. I told him what I want and need from him is for when I decide to quit for him to hold me to it – help me hold myself responsible – knowing myself, I would need someone there supporting me by disciplining me if when I break my commitment to put it down – I would need that extra ‘push’ of “If I choose to give up against the withdrawals I will face *** consequence with master” until I’ve gotten through the worst of my body craving the nicotine. — I want it more than anything :”’( For myself, my son, and yes, also for master – but I also need support in deciding when – otherwise I know I’ll just keep putting it off lol I just don’t know what to do :’( and part of me is scared that if I decide to quit – that he might not be willing or able to support me in the way I need him to – and I know without the extra ‘push’ I’ll just pick it back up again :(

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