I was listening to Mistress Matisse’s Guest Appearance the other day on the Savage Lovecast (Ep 163). She talks about a lot of kinky topics that callers ask Dan Savage. Somewhere near the end there was an interesting comment by Dan where he asked MM if nerds and geeks are more likely to be into BDSM. It was meant to be a joke, but in all truth, there has to be something to this as I’ve seen it myself.
Now maybe it’s because I’m more sensitive to seeing nerds and geeks, or should I say advanced intellectuals, being more into BDSM than other forms of sexuality. I am, after all a nerd myself and my Master is a geek. We get along better with nerdy and geeky friends than we do others because of the common topics that keep coming up.
So, I’ve had some time to give it some thought. Yes I think that BDSM attracts the advanced intellectuals, but it’s not an exclusive club by any means. Please allow me to explain and keep in mind there is a bit of tongue in cheek here. I don’t mean to offend anyone.
- Advanced intellectuals tend to have higher mental abilities. They can comprehend social and physical challenges at a rate faster than others. They have trained minds to do these computations in their heads. Philosophy, sociology and psychology are simple tactics for them. That may be why they can read body language really well and can tweek at your mind in the most delicious ways.
- It is also common for advanced intellectuals to study and research things far more intensely than other types. When asked about electrical play for example, they can not only perform with precision they can talk about how the current plays out in certain situations better than others, the differences in amperage and voltage, how to make their own tens units and can draw schematics for the electrical torture devices of their dreams. It is far more likely to have a deeply technical conversation with them.
- Advanced intellectuals are frequently online and tend to be the most prevalent sort in successful online communities. These people like to argue the terms, analyze the facts and give advice when none was asked for. The fountain of knowledge they harbor sometimes flows forth and what could be a one sentence answer to someone’s question becomes an 8 paragraph explanation about how that one sentence really isn’t enough.
- The advanced intellectuals have a desire to be very exact with their play. Rope bondage practitioners may be precise, require perfect wrapping and symmetry, perform 15 different knots or have 10 different ways to do the same thing. A cane aficionado may have a multitude of techniques perfected and just as many canes. They can produce just about any mark they desire or none at all.
- Advanced intellectuals generally have higher paying jobs than other folks and thus have more spending money for the things that please them. The cost of participating in BDSM is high and with a larger personal expense budget, these people tend to go for the best and most expensive of the equipment. Their dungeons are usually top notch, specialized in the kink that interests them most and it’s not unheard of for them to have 15 of one particular implement on the wall… all organized by sensation or material.
There are possibly dozens of reasons why the nerds and geeks among us are attracted to BDSM. If you can think of a reason, I’d love to hear it in the comments. And please, remember this is humorous post and is not meant to harm anyone.
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My name is lunaKM and I’m a full-time submissive in a D/s relationship. I am webslut to 
Great topic. I completely agree – nerds and geeks tend to be quite prevalent in BDSM communities – at least, from what I’ve seen. I like it, though.
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If, by geeks and nerds, you mean those of advanced intellect, then I might tend to agree. However, if you mean those with limited social skills and problems developing interpersonal relationships, I beg to differ. To me, the terms geek and nerd are negative in connotation, and imply those Poindexters and Penelopes who never had a date, tend to own double digit numbers of cats, and live their lives for online gaming! I prefer to think of those of us of advanced intellect as not nerds and geeks, but people of higher intelligence. We’re the smart kids who also function well in all aspects of society!
You have applied a derogatory stereotype to the terms nerd and geek, which I did not do in the article. I like viola’s comment (below this one) that actually gives accepted definitions of nerd and geek.
Are nerds and geeks really outsiders by their own choice or is it because people can’t relate to them that they appear to be eccentric loners and not capable of making relationships outside their peer group, hmm?
I didn’t mean to offend either…my tongue was definitely in my cheek! And looking at your article, the photo you chose shows a social misfit, not exactly someone of advanced intelligence, so I was just clarifying the different connotations of those terms with a little humor. I agreed with your premise that BDSM attracts those of higher intelligence, but I don’t like being tagged as a nerd or geek. As a teacher, I have to fight those negative stereotypes every day. Kids who actually care about their grades and do more than just enough to get by are labeled as geeks and nerds by other students, which is deflating, so I try to limit the use of those terms in my classroom!
*grin* actually, according to Wikipedia:
The word geek is a slang term, noting individuals as “a peculiar or otherwise odd person, especially one who is perceived to be overly obsessed with one or more things including those of intellectuality, electronics, etc.”
Nerd is a term often bearing a derogatory connotation or stereotype, that refers to a person who passionately pursues intellectual activities, esoteric knowledge, or other obscure interests that are age-inappropriate rather than engaging in more social or popular activities. Therefore, a nerd is often excluded from physical activity and considered a loner by peers, or will tend to associate with like-minded people.
… according to those definitions, both Master and i are both.
…and maybe that’s -MY- particular kink… that i find geeks/nerds to be TOTALLY hot. Maybe it’s the wealth of knowledge, or passion for understanding, or the careful attention to detail, or the utterly AMAZING level of creativity… but there’s definitely something there that I can’t seem to find elsewhere.
Geek is definitely my favorite flavor of freak. :-)
Oh I don’t know about that, they’re certainly represented, however if anyone cares for a view of “the other side” of the nerd coin, stroll on over to collarme, and prepare thyself for a sea of profiles rife with spelling and grammatical errors, not to mention extremely poor taste and communication skills!
I prefer an intellectual man, but I’m not a big “geek” fan. I see too many profile pictures of unattractive men squinting through their glasses at their computer screen (and yes, this is their profile pic, so you can only imagine how stunning they are in person). And then they’re offended when I politely say “not interested”. It seems the assumption is that because we’re both kinky I SHOULD be attracted to them for that reason alone. I got so sick of it when I was single I actually put a very snooty msg on my profile about what I was looking for both physically and emotionally. Didn’t stop them though. Thank goodness I found my Master!
And just how many of those on CollarMe.com are genuine dominants or submissives? I’ve been there and seen it myself. The players, the trolls, even the predators. Sure I know a few people who couldn’t type properly if their life depended on it, but by far the number of people who can speak and communicate very well far outnumbers the ones who can’t. If you want proof check out Fetlife.com. On any public site or forum there are going to be people who slip in who can’t express themselves worth a darn and further I know a few personally. However the general level of intelligence of BDSM folks is amazingly high.
@A If you don’t like people who wear glasses or who are too “geeky” for you don’t go out with them! It’s that simple. And of course your message didn’t stop anyone. You are talking about guys here. If we stopped every time someone said “no” all the guys would be like me who hasn’t had a date in years. No matter how obnoxiously aggressive some guys are they do it because it works! Girls are attracted to confidant, aggressive guys. As much as I wish things were different they aren’t. The truth is that nice guys don’t finish last, they aren’t even in the race! But I just can’t bring myself to be a jerk and so I spend a lot of time alone.
I’m glad you found a master who meets your preconceived notions of both physical and mental fitness. More power to you. But don’t blast those of us who just might not meet your high standards. I could say something about large submissives but I just won’t go there. The fact is that there are people of all looks and types into BDSM and if there are a few of them who you have to say “NO!” to more than once that’s no different than the vanilla world.
I’m proud to be more intelligent than average and I seek a bright girl too. Now if you want to discuss a problem lets talk about why you girls so dislike short men! Yes I’m VERY short. I’m a towering 5’5″ in shoes. Not only am I usually the shortest guy at any gathering I’m shorter than 3/4th of the girls! And most of you girls wouldn’t dream of going out with a guy who is shorter than you are.
So lets agree to stop bashing anyone because of their looks and stick to more important things.
The fact of the matter is that the average intelligence of BDSMers is very high. If that means there is an uncommon number of geeks or nerds in the group you’d just better get used to it. Fortunately there are some like viola who enjoy us for what we are and not some idealized version of a god-like dominant out of a work of fiction.
I’m not going to reply to your direct comments, since you spoke so well and I have to agree with you. I just wanted to say that I don’t have a problem with shorter men. :) My ex husband was 5’6″ (I’m 6ft). While my Master is just a bit taller than I am, I don’t consider height at all when I think of attraction. Maybe that’s a result of me being a nerd? His mind turns me on so much!
ummm, I don’t recall bashing anyone personally, which is what you have now turned this into. I am saying that if this hypothetical dom can’t take the time to present himself in the best possible light, i.e. with a decent photo and an articulate message, how can anyone be proud to call him master if they have no pride in themselves? I don’t know about you, but my computer has a great feature called spell check. I run it. I know when there are mistakes, and I would be particularly careful about the face I’m putting out there with the idea of attracting a mate. And yes, if you have gotten this far, to be posting on an online community and you’re not taking that time to make a profile that at LEAST is spelled correctly, you are not intelligent in my estimation.
Moreover, the point I was making was about those who act like a spoiled child b/c the little subbie didn’t roll over and submit and actually had the audacity to express a mind and a will of her own, and just because this dom in question claim to be dominant she did not see you as HER dominant!? Do YOU know the emails I have received from men I have politely declined to dialogue with? The names I have been called? I think not.
I’m not a woman that plays games with men. If I like you, I will go out with you. If I don’t, I won’t and no amount of your perseverance will change that fact, quite the opposite actually so I don’t know what sort of women you are pursuing where sheer force of will gets them to go out with you, but I guess it’s not working out since you’re here criticizing my post on a submissive website.
With regard to saying NO, in the vanilla world, sorry, but I have never had men act like the immature children that the men on these sites do when they get turned down. But then, that’s my experience, which I thought I was supposed to be sharing here.
Why is not surprising on a submissive website I find a dominant man to take offense to my comments and my shared experience? As far as my fairytale godlike work of fiction dominant, I’m attracted to what I’m attracted to, period and I’m not going to settle, or apologize for that. I wasn’t aware I had to be so PC about my feelings, and if you feel the need to expound on large submissive go right ahead, I am not large, and more importantly, I don’t give a rats ass what you think nor should anyone else.
Sorry Luna, delete my post if you must, but I don’t appreciate being attacked on a website, I made no direct comments about anyone, and I find this post offensive and sarcastic and I will not tolerate it.
Interesting and so true! i personaly LOVE geeky Doms. Glasses and chess turn me on. *laughs* Needless to say, Master Art is a computer geek.
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Luck with anything and everything you all are trying to do with everything!
~
aysling
(perhaps a bit late but …)
I was thinking about this from a different angle, but when someone uses their brain a lot, it’s usually the conscious mind that is being worked. And when you have a conscious, you feel guilty (philosophical tidbit). For an over active brain, that guilt becomes a bit more. It’s not hard for me to figure that a geek/nerd would over analyze into a guilt freeze when trying to talk to a girl. This would make them appear shy. Over time, this guilt gets installed and causes all sorts of problems.
The place where BDSM comes in is that BDSM is so broad and accounts for all the strangest kinks out there, being in a BDSM world absolves that guilt. I don’t think you ca offend BDSM. Geeks had a harden guilt/shame about talking to girls and offending them. But a submissive might say – it’s ok, you can treat me like that: it turn me on. This is exactly how lead turns into gold. BDSM doesn’t have a hard morality: everything is cool but follow some very simple rules. It’s very validating.
Not only do geek/nerds and BDSM work in the positive way (uber brain to secure safety while tweaking minds in delicious ways) but is also reinforced by the negative aspects of a uber brain by dissolving guilt and shame that exists in ‘normal’ life.
Just a thought. I came across the shame/guilt connection to kink in the book arousal: secret logic of sexual fantasies by Dr Michael Bader.