When Master and I get to play, it’s quite sexually charged. We find the play and the energy we swap as very sexual. Our play time usually ends in sex of some form. That’s just how we roll. Does it always have to be that way? Heck no! In fact, when I was casually playing, there was no sex at all.
But can you really separate the sex from BDSM? You have to admit that much of what we do during play time is rooted in sexual pleasure and sensation. Even if you are never touched sexually you can achieve orgasm. Does this make it sex or BDSM?
My first kinky experiences were purely sexual and yet I can and have separated the idea of sex from BDSM. I’m not exactly sure how it happened. Perhaps it could have been necessity. I was casually seeing people when I started exploring. I know that sex was special and important to a relationship; a relationship I wasn’t kindling with any of these partners.
What really comes down to it for you and each partner you have is how you define sex. For myself and the casual partners, sex was any form of penetration. For Master and myself that definition is more inclusive of everything we do.
I recommend that you have a discussion with your partner as a part of negotiation for the first play session that you define what sex is and if it’s a welcome part of your play. I’ve talked about negotiations before so I’m not going to get into the depth of it, but it is a very important part of a new relationship and can be important in well established ones too in certain situations.
So much of what we do is sexual because that is how most of us first explore our kinky side. It’s not uncommon for all of us to start out with the tentative sensations during sex and keep our new side hidden behind bedroom doors. This association alone could lead to your understanding that BDSM is the same as sex.
It doesn’t have to be. If you have been to any variety of play parties you will see a wide variety of play styles. Most parties have rules regarding sexual play. Some won’t allow any at all. Yet you will still see people enjoying themselves and having a good time.
Should you separate BDSM and Sex? That’s completely up to you; but as I’ve said previously there are reasons to do so and there are just as valid reasons not to. BDSM play tends to be just as intimate as sex, sometimes moreso. This is a decision that you should make for yourself while you are still searching for your Dominant or play partner. Stick to what you decide. Your future intimacy depends on your decisions now.
So, what about you? Can you separate sex from BDSM?
Other Thoughts on BDSM and Sex
- Our chat discussion transcript from 8/25/09 on this very topic
- Is BDSM Sexual?
- BDSM vs. Kink
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My name is lunaKM and I’m a full-time submissive in a D/s relationship. I am webslut to 
[...] You Separate BDSM and Sex? These are my thoughts on an article posted on the Submissive [...]
For us, play almost always leads to sex. Once in awhile, Master holds back on me, gets me hot and bothered and then doesn’t take me. Torture!
Can I separate sex and BDSM? Well, living in Michigan with our backwards and repressive laws I HAVE to be able to separate sex and BDSM if I want to play in public at all and I love public play. I am aware of only one public party where any kind of sex at all is allowed. I have heard there are a couple others but I don’t know where they are. And since I don’t have a submissive or slave at the moment it’s not a big issue for me, lol. I wish it was but that’s life.
ok it took me a moment to answer as my mind was focused on sex and bdsm….he he he…ok back to a serious note now…
Play and sex do not always go hand in hand for me. Yes there are times it does lead to sex, but there are also just as many times it does not. Mistress does enjoy the tease, the anticipation, and most of all the denial of pleasure (mine of course not Hers…*giggles). i am not majorly into public play, but will participate up until a certain point to please Her.