Mentoring, self-help and submissive exploration

lunaKM has been a full-time slave in an M/s relationship for over 10 years. She is the founder and editor of Submissive Guide. Learn more about her here and connect with her on, Twitter, Google+, FetLife.

16 responses to “How To Help Your Dominant Recover From Play”

  1. Coyote Too

    A well-timed post for me.
    Energy high, a control rush, and sexual frustration are all rating high on my feelings after this weekend. The control rush in particular is a new one to me—I’m trying to find a good outlet for it.

    It’s good to know I’m not alone in having those issues after an intense scene.

  2. A

    I take issue with the word “scene”. Perhaps it is my theater background, I don’t know, something about it to me conveys a contrived separateness from our lives together. For us, there is no start/stop.

    That said, more directly physically taxing periods of our intimacy do require certain aftercare, most of it being emotional for both. Although we do not call it such, it is very common for us to spend time cuddling under blankets, talking, and napping. Also I often massage His arms, and sometimes back and feet, as this is very relaxing for Him and is also an important way I can show my appreciation for Him and all He does for me.

    We also debrief our activities, usually immediately. It is important for Him to be reassured that I am ok with all that transpired. He likes to ask me scales of 1-10 how I felt about different things; it gives Him important information on where to push in the future, and where to step back a bit. It is also extremely valuable for me, because it reinforces the fact that He cares so much about me and my experience, not just my physical well being but my emotional and spiritual well being too. I trust Him more every time He checks in with me for this reason.

  3. lunaKM

    I understand your aversion to the word scene, but for many many people, their playtime is separate from the lives they live. In those instances they are scenes and most will understand what the word means for them.

  4. Beneviolent

    I take issue with people who take issue with non-issues to have an “issue” to discuss. God, Please.. do we have have to talk about “how we talk about it”?

  5. lunaKM


  6. A

    she didn’t like my comment about “scenes”. I’m sorry, I certainly did not mean to offend, just putting it out there as an idea.

  7. anonsubswitch

    After care for him usually involved a lot of tenderness, and kissing, and if it is the end of the night a lot of simple holding.

    Sometimes if it was something new or intense, he feels as though he needs to establish his respect for my mundane abilities as a way of centering himself. This does nothing for me at that point, but he has said he feels a lot stabler after he does this, so letting him do so has become part of aftercare for him. I guess it is an emotional need for him.

  8. Kimberly

    My top is heavy on the emotional drop. So there is a lot of need to reassure him of our bond, our love, that I enjoyed what we did, or that I was really okay with his playing with another how he did, that he is still a good man despite anything he does or says during play. (play – just a way less wordy way to speak of that portion of time spent in a high endorphin state because he dislike me using scene). It was really difficult at first because neither of us were expecting such a reaction, I’d never had subdrop with any of my partners before he joined the community, and can’t recall any time since. We had no clue about top drop, or what to do, and he took my words as placating and wouldn’t accept that I really felt that way (because we were lacking the close physical proximity which he equals as love).

    I just wanted to say there really is an emotional side to some Tops dropping, and that shouldn’t be overlooked either, and each emotional drop is slightly different, so there is no 1) cuddle and tell him what you most enjoyed about the play 2) kiss lightly, and have gentle lovemaking before bed or nap 3)etc, 4)etc. It could all be helpful, but each time will differ and if you do the same thing each time it can stop working because it comes across as routine or obligation.

    Thanks for writing this article. Drop so seldom spoke of as a Top issue.

  9. MaDonna

    Aftercare for us, is definitely a mutually given thing. He tends to my aftercare first, and then once I have returned to reality as we call it I tend to him. This usually involves getting him a cold beverage, lighting a cigarette for him, and rubbing his shoulders. We then cuddle and talk over the scene together. After play we love to immerse ourselves in each other and spend this time reflecting and just being one with each other..

  10. Shantoo

    wow thank you so much for this article. I didn’t know about subdrop not until I had been though it several times but when someone told me about it they also told me about Dom Drop too so i asked me Master about it and he was very cool. He likes to take himself away and just sleep it off. But of course as a sub I was concerned I could be doing more to help him so thank you very much for this article I will be discussing it with him and be able to better understand it when he Dom Drops and his needs.

    I was also told about another aspect of Dom Drop and that comes when the two of you spend a lot of time together. Apparently the Dom can become drained because the sub can be making the Dom feel like they need to be Dominating every minute they spend together which can wear the Dom out and even though everything is going well in terms of the sub being very good and attentive and a very good sub the sub can be over subbing and draining the Dom which causes the Dom to pull away and not want to be around the sub. I was told that is a from of Dom drop too. Boundaries need to be set so the sub is not completely dependent every moment the Dom and sub are together and I guess having scenes or play time or just clear definitions of when these times are helps the Dom stay energized and engaged.

  11. Moxie

    My Daddy runs hot and since our play usually involves sex he tends to get very hot and sweaty. After Daddy has hugged, kissed me and told I was a good girl I will take a towel and wipe him down to cool him off. He loves it. Then he will lay down for a nap and we snuggle

  12. Coplins

    This is definitely an issue I can relate to.
    So I’m not really part of the whole BDSM thing but part times what goes on in my bedchamber borders on dom/sub dynamics. I have no problem with the submissive part. Not on the “light” level I play and with the very perceptive partners I take. But my ex had a need for being dominated and to feel pain. For him it was an immense enjoyment and he has an high threshold whereas my is lower. This caused me discomfort even though he revelled in it, as my brain always put myself in his place. Making me feel bad afterwards. Had he not been so good at taking care of me afterwards, making sure I knew that was what he really wanted and cuddle with me, it might have been devastating to my psyche.

    I know I might not been who this was aimed at but I still related. I am not a natural Dom. I’m just openminded about doing what will please my partner. I guess even somebody in deep with this may have the same feelings as me on occasion?

  13. Nurturing Touch

    Hi, all,
    I am not an active participant in the BDSM community. But I have learned some things about it through a friend, who is very well versed. It is my understanding that some subs and Doms do not fulfill their obligations to their partners in making sure that aftercare is provided. I work with nurturing touch in my profession, and I am considering offering limited aftercare services (providing minor wound care, ice water, blankets, cuddling, shoulder massage and an attentive ear; not kissing or sex) at play parties, and I was wondering what your thoughts on this idea would be. Is this something that you have seen a need for, and do you think that aftercare coming from an outside person like myself would be welcome and beneficial? Thanks for your input.

  14. Nurturing Touch

    Yes, that was my intention, to do it as a station, and be paid an hourly rate by the host of the party. Thanks for your input.

  15. O

    My boyfriend has 2 roles he plays. “Daddy” is what he’s called when he’s being dominating but immediately afterwards he switches to a personality we call “Little Spoon” where he’s pretty much just a little kid that wants to be cuddled and loved on. That’s our version of aftercare.

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