photo by sashaW
When aftercare is mentioned, it is rarely associated with the Dominant. We hear all about how to help the submissive come down from the endorphin high, treat the marks and aches and emotionally recover from the scene. Do we think that Dominants feel nothing during play that they don’t need care afterwards? Think again.
When we play, it is for enjoyment and pleasure for both people. No matter what the play session involved the Dominant will not leave the scene feeling exactly the same as when they went in. They could have an energy high, a control rush, aches and pains, sexual frustration or fatigue. The submissive has a responsibility to take care of the Dominant just as much as the submissive needs care.
It is very important to make sure that the Dominant recovers from the session in whatever way that is best for them. We know what usually helps a submissive recover; a fuzzy blanket, attention, sleep, care for wounds, etc. But what about a Dominant? What do they need?
Out of my own experience a Dominant sometimes needs much the same thing. A back, shoulder or arm rub would not be turned down after a heavy impact scene. The rush of endorphins is going through them as well. Getting them a cool drink and having them relax will help slow their thoughts and bring them back down from the high they experience.
If sex is part of the relationship and you did not have sex during scene it might be nice to end the scene with sexual attention. I particularly like to end the scene with giving a blow job. Master prefers sex.
It’s also important to not be greedy with your aftercare needs. Some of what you may need could be done on your own at another time so while you are with your partner, focus on helping each other selflessly. Curl up together under a blanket and rest. Give each other body rubs. Take a shower together.
If your immediate need after play is sleep, then remember to care for them after you wake from your nap. Trust me, keeping that connection will strengthen the enjoyment after the scene if you can take the responsibility of caring for everything from your Dominant and shoulder some of it yourself.
Aftercare is a joint activity. Just like the exchange in pleasure and pain during play you should be prepared to care for each other’s needs after as well.
What does your Dominant need after play? Let me know in the comments.
My name is lunaKM and I’m a full-time stay-at-home submissive in a D/s relationship.
I started blogging when I was exploring D/s online in 2003. I needed advice, mentors and helping hands. Since then I've made it my mission to help novice submissives understand themselves and the services they wish to provide. 
A well-timed post for me.
Energy high, a control rush, and sexual frustration are all rating high on my feelings after this weekend. The control rush in particular is a new one to me—I’m trying to find a good outlet for it.
It’s good to know I’m not alone in having those issues after an intense scene.
I take issue with the word “scene”. Perhaps it is my theater background, I don’t know, something about it to me conveys a contrived separateness from our lives together. For us, there is no start/stop.
That said, more directly physically taxing periods of our intimacy do require certain aftercare, most of it being emotional for both. Although we do not call it such, it is very common for us to spend time cuddling under blankets, talking, and napping. Also I often massage His arms, and sometimes back and feet, as this is very relaxing for Him and is also an important way I can show my appreciation for Him and all He does for me.
We also debrief our activities, usually immediately. It is important for Him to be reassured that I am ok with all that transpired. He likes to ask me scales of 1-10 how I felt about different things; it gives Him important information on where to push in the future, and where to step back a bit. It is also extremely valuable for me, because it reinforces the fact that He cares so much about me and my experience, not just my physical well being but my emotional and spiritual well being too. I trust Him more every time He checks in with me for this reason.
I understand your aversion to the word scene, but for many many people, their playtime is separate from the lives they live. In those instances they are scenes and most will understand what the word means for them.
I take issue with people who take issue with non-issues to have an “issue” to discuss. God, Please.. do we have have to talk about “how we talk about it”?
Huh?
she didn’t like my comment about “scenes”. I’m sorry, I certainly did not mean to offend, just putting it out there as an idea.
After care for him usually involved a lot of tenderness, and kissing, and if it is the end of the night a lot of simple holding.
Sometimes if it was something new or intense, he feels as though he needs to establish his respect for my mundane abilities as a way of centering himself. This does nothing for me at that point, but he has said he feels a lot stabler after he does this, so letting him do so has become part of aftercare for him. I guess it is an emotional need for him.
My top is heavy on the emotional drop. So there is a lot of need to reassure him of our bond, our love, that I enjoyed what we did, or that I was really okay with his playing with another how he did, that he is still a good man despite anything he does or says during play. (play – just a way less wordy way to speak of that portion of time spent in a high endorphin state because he dislike me using scene). It was really difficult at first because neither of us were expecting such a reaction, I’d never had subdrop with any of my partners before he joined the community, and can’t recall any time since. We had no clue about top drop, or what to do, and he took my words as placating and wouldn’t accept that I really felt that way (because we were lacking the close physical proximity which he equals as love).
I just wanted to say there really is an emotional side to some Tops dropping, and that shouldn’t be overlooked either, and each emotional drop is slightly different, so there is no 1) cuddle and tell him what you most enjoyed about the play 2) kiss lightly, and have gentle lovemaking before bed or nap 3)etc, 4)etc. It could all be helpful, but each time will differ and if you do the same thing each time it can stop working because it comes across as routine or obligation.
Thanks for writing this article. Drop so seldom spoke of as a Top issue.
Aftercare for us, is definitely a mutually given thing. He tends to my aftercare first, and then once I have returned to reality as we call it I tend to him. This usually involves getting him a cold beverage, lighting a cigarette for him, and rubbing his shoulders. We then cuddle and talk over the scene together. After play we love to immerse ourselves in each other and spend this time reflecting and just being one with each other..