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Handling an Addiction While in Service
July 28, 2009 by lunaKM [573 views]
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Those of you who read my blog already know this, but for most of you this will be news. I have an addiction. At the end of last month I came to the realization that I am a binge eater and secret eater. I’m addicted to food and the way it makes me feel. While I’m sure this may not be anything like a drug addiction or alcohol I don’t have experience with them so I can’t write about them. I can write about how my Master and I are dealing with this addiction and my recovery.
When I realized that I had been hiding this secret life of mine from Master I was terrified. I could be ending my relationship with him once I told him that I had been lying for months about what I had been doing out of his sight. Lying is a cardinal offense in our relationship, but I couldn’t go on lying to him. He took it really hard but told me that he would help me get better and that we would be better. I was punished for the lying and immediately I knew he meant business when one of my new rules was that he would handle all the money. He took my debit and credit cards and all the available cash I had. I would have to ask for money to do anything and give him receipts when I returned home. He would start paying attention to everything I spent money on.
Let me tell you that I hated the idea that I couldn’t grab a snack while at the store or a shake on the way home. I dreaded going to the grocery store or anywhere alone after that. What if I was weak and binged anyway and didn’t care if he knew it? What if I just couldn’t do it?
He’s been very watchful. He tracks everything and asks me everyday if I was good and didn’t cheat. I’m honest with him about it. I will get better with his help and support. I think I have more likelihood of success with him than if I were doing it outside of a D/s dynamic. There is something about the way we function that gives me hope and I can’t explain it. He is strict. He won’t allow me to be lazy about it. He cares for my health and will make sure that I get the help that I can to beat this.
Moreso he will correct me if I do something that sets me back. Failure is not an option with him. Setbacks are meant to be corrected swiftly and then we figure out what will make it better.
I know that an eating disorder isn’t treated the same way as alcoholism or a drug addiction. I can’t just stop taking my drug of choice. I mean an alcoholic just learns not to drink alcohol, drug addicts break their habit. I just can’t stop eating food. I have to learn to control the emotions I’m feeling while eating. I have to make sure that I’m eating at approved times and in approved portions. I will constantly be watching what I eat so that I don’t overdo it.
I’m not handling it well. I like micromanagement but I hate this. I hate that I can’t control this and that’s why he has to micromanage me. I don’t want to be this way forever. I just want to be healthy. I feel like a hypocrite when I write here. Like because I’m not a perfect submissive I don’t have the right to write here and help you find your own way. Then I have to realize that this is one of the reasons that I make a good Guide. I have so many life experiences that I can associate with submission and hopefully I can connect with some of you in each post. I’m not perfect and that’s what makes me perfect for this blog.
I just had to get this off my chest.
I would love to know how others handle addictions while submitting to someone. What does it do to your relationship? Can you keep it strong or does it alter it negatively forever? Does anyone want to tell their story? I’ll post it here on the blog. Just send it to me at subguide@gmail.com. You can be as anonymous as you’d like.
photo by Megyarsh
8 Comments
Filed under Health and Beauty, Service
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Hi,
I have a little experience in this, but from the other way around – I had a problem eating. Although he was only my friend at the time, he saw how I was slipping in Anorexic tendencies, and managed to get me to eat, both by force and by gentle encouragement. He also spoke to me on the topic, and by managing my thoughts in that wonderful way he has, got me to review why I was starving my body – a need for control in my life after a particularly abusive D/s relationship. Now I have handed up the control of what I eat to him, I feel a lot better, and we have become closer by result.
However, for this month we cannot be together due to various circumstances, and I admit to having problems occasionally – wondering if I stopped eating would he notice? If I lost more weight, would it be an issue? And yet, that would be lying to him and to us and everything we are building right now. I know that in order to have this wonderful man, this wonderful master in my life, I need to trust that what he decides is good for me. It is a hard road, i’m very scarred from my last encounter, but somehow I know the end will be sweeter.
I really do wish you well, your Master sounds very understanding about your behaviours on this, and I am glad that you are facing them together. I don’t think having an eating disorder has anything to do with how much of a good or bad submissive you are – I think it’s set down by beviours that existed before you ever entered the relationship, and therefore make them very difficult to overcome, no matter how well behaved or honest with your master you wish to be. That you admitting truthfully to him is the biggest step – eating disorders are characterised by secrecy and lying and so the first step really is getting it out in the open. After that, you need to trust in his and your strength in getting past this.
Good luck, you are in my thoughts.
Flower
xxx
Thank you so much for sharing your own story. I really appreciate it.
“I mean an alcoholic just learns not to drink alcohol.”
I’m sure you can’t mean “just” here in the sense that “not drinking” is simple for people who suffer from alcoholism, because it’s incredibly difficult and it is the treatment and recovery from alcoholism that sheds light on the treatment of other addictions including the addiction to food.
Behavior modification is hard. Behavior influences cognition influences behavior influences – it is a vicious cycle complicated by the addictive soothing properties of various chemicals in the brain that reinforce behavior that can be deleterious: the excessive consumption of food or alcohol.
You have a disease like an alcoholic and if you’re willing to approach it that way, you should seek help from a professional. It’s one thing for someone to prevent you from buying and consuming food, but it won’t actually help you change the cognitions that underlie the problem; eventually you will rebel, and not in the typical “back step” all addicts make in the process of recovery.
Overeaters Anonymous is free, has meetings just about everywhere, including online. A psychologist/social worker/counselor is not free but can help you work through wider issues related to health.
Alcoholics don’t have to “just” learn not to drink.
They have to learn self-control, self-love and responsibility among innumerable other things many people “just” take for granted.
I’m sorry, no that isn’t exactly what I meant. What I did mean was that alcoholics and drug addicts can remove the vice as a part of their treatment, however a food addict can not.
This is why I feel OA does NOT work. Just a personal opinion on that.
i know this may not count as a true addiction, but i am a self-injurer. the hardest thing was to tell Sir that i am one. i live with it everyday. i get triggered even if i talk about it for too long. to me personally i feel addicted to it. i am of course forbidden to cut myself, but He is totally supportive and i am call Him no matter what time or when, if i feel triggered. its very difficult dealing with this, but i know that with Sir, i will control this, and win this battle. i commend you on your bravery to tell your story. it lets other submissives know they are not alone in their struggles with an addiction.
I also cut. It IS very much like an addiction. I use it to punish myself when Master is away. He then punishes me for that then asks me whay I did it.
lunaKM,
You took the first step in being honest. I cannot speak to dealing with an addiction in a Lifestyle relationship, but I can in a vanilla one. My wife is a recovering food addict and I watched her for a good part of our marriage fight with her food addiction. She found her recovery in FA and I know the people in FA and talk about a 12 step program that has a lot of BDSM elements in terms of creating a structure and giving one the disciplines and mindsets to come to terms with ones food addictions for ones recovery.
lunKM, we come into this world as a blank slate and we grow up with all kinds of conditioning and they make up how we behave not who we are. The big key I found for myself when I was getting sober was I had unhealthy ways with dealing with life and in AA I learned healthier ways of responding to life. Part of your journey will be to find healthier way of dealing with your feelings and learning to recognize your triggers.
An addiction in some ways is simply I do not like how I am feeling and I want to change how I am feeling. I drank because I did not like how I felt and later on I did it with food as well. A lot of it is learning healthy ways of walking through fear and managing your emotions.
Most of us have baggage of some kind or another, no one taught us how to be healthy human beings. I see our experiences in life especially the painful ones as opportunities to learn how to love ourselves and others. Willingness is the key to all change, how do you want to see yourself? How do you want to feel about yourself? Can you allow your imagination to fly free and see the beautiful person you are, because ultimately underneath all the hurt, false beliefs you are love and worth of loving yourself. And hey, I grumble about the idea of this all being a lesson in love at times, but it gives me the hope and courage to keep, keeping on.
You have taken two big steps you got honest and you asked for help, in my book that took a lot of courage, can you see that in yourself?
Remember it is a lesson in love, a lot of times it takes years to be able to look back and see the lesson and how we grew.
My Goddess reminds me subs are strong people all the time.
I do not drink to day because I choose healthier activities and when it comes to food, I choose to eat healthy. I can binge on sugar and feel like crap, I can choose to run away from my feelings or I can make a different choice.
You have your Masters support, that’s great but if he is not a food addict and as supportive as he is he cannot relate to you. There are all kinds of online groups out there or face to face ones, find one that works for you. When I was going to AA I would listen to other peoples stories and I heard bits and pieces of myself in their stories and I felt at home with people who knew me, and people who wanted to do something about their problem. I found the winners and I did what the winners did.
Remember it is a choice, you are the one who is putting the food in your mouth and do you want the results of your actions.
I used to tell people who where unwilling to work the program, go and drink some more and come back when you are ready. Pain is a good teacher at times.
lunKM, my heart goes out to you, it always will for a fellow addict, you can do this.
Blessings on your journey…
naturallysubmissive´s last blog ..A New Life
i am in recovery from drug addiction and very new to this lifestyle. i have so many questions in finding a balance between the two. one of my questions is regarding sponsorship and does one share this part with them. my second is regarding my Master, who is married and his wife is not aware of this part of his life. i am having conflicting feelings with this for i know that if i live a dishonest lifestyle in recovery i will use again. i shared my choices with my sponsor and she has pretty much told me to end the relationship. she also expressed her feelings of distrust of me around her own husband which totally blew my mind. i desperately need some feedback from people in recovery.
thank you, subk