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Just Wait Till Your Father Gets Home: Telling Your Family
May 30, 2009 by Guest Author [470 views]
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This post is from Norische. She allows anyone to post her articles anywhere they will do some good. I could not come up with a better way to say what she does in this article. Please enjoy and comment! I’d love to hear if you have told your family and how it went.
“So what are you, some kind of Satanist, or what?” This was one of the first things my sister said when she walked into my house.
It had been almost a year since I had seen my sister, she doesn’t live that far away but she has alwaysbeen a little on the judgmental side and so she and I have never truly been that close. She stopped by my house not long ago, no phone call, no warning, she just popped in for a visit…thankfully she didn’t have her two young sons with her. I am very open about my choices and my lifestyle, however I have never breached the subject with either of my sisters.
When you walk into my parlor/office the first thing you see is a wall of “toys”. Floggers, whips, paddles, and canes of all types, along with a large grouping of miscellaneous torture devices and implements of all types which decorate one half of the room. Of course chains, suspension devices, harnesses, and stirrups also embellish the archway to my dinning room. A leather-covered horse sitting right smack dab in the middle of the office also seems rather conspicuous as you walk into the room.
Normally I am very proud of my lifestyle choices and have no problem talking to anyone about the interesting and useful items that decorate my home. However, when my sister walked into my house I was literally at a loss for words.
To help you understand a little better, let me describe my sister a little to you. My sister and I are 16 months apart in age, I am the youngest. She is married and has been for several years; she was 24 yrs old before she went out on her first date. The first man she ever kissed is also the only man she has ever kissed, her husband. She lived with my parents until she moved in with her husband and his parents. She now has two young sons, ages 9 and 5. The have a nice little house in a nice little neighborhood and she is the picture of the perfect wife and strict mother. She is very active in her church and is a model of the average clean cut, straight-laced woman in her community.
When my sister first walked into my home I thought about how she would react, and then I worried if she would be offended and finally I wondered if she would even understand my lifestyle and the items in my home. Well to make it simple not only did she not understand the things that she saw but she also was completely clueless about what the BDSM lifestyle is truly about. At first she blushed and avoided looking at the floggers and whips, I could tell that she was very uncomfortable. I began to talk to her as I do with anyone; hoping that my openness would show her that there is nothing wrong or “sick” about the way I live my life. I also tried to help her understand the difference between the facts and myths about BDSM.
Myth:
All BDSM involves pain, or inflicting pain.
Fact:
There are several different types of Domination, some do indeed involve pain but others do not, it is a matter of choice in a relationship as to the addition or degree of pain included.
Myth:
BDSM is nothing more than kinky sex play.
Fact:
Sex may or may not be involved in a BDSM relationship; again it is a choice between those involved.
Myth:
BDSM is against God, or somehow Satanic in nature.
Fact:
There are several religions that use pain as a means of showing devotion, for centuries priest have beat themselves with sticks, whips and canes to show their sincerity to God. In many churches pleasure is viewed as the pathway to Hell, hence it has been summarized that pain must be the pathway to Heaven. From the Sun Dance of the Native Americans to the Flagellants of the Philippines pain has been viewed as a means of getting closer to God, not as a sin.
Myth:
BDSM is abuse.
Fact:
It is understood within the BDSM lifestyle that all activities must be consensual, even slavery. Before an individual can be a slave they must agree to the requirements, rules, and behaviors that are expected, before he or she is accepted as a slave. Once an arrangement is made, they seemingly loose the ability to say no, but this is untrue. Depending on the negotiations and the original contract the slave may be given certain rights or may wave those rights…but the fact is that the choice is theirs to accept the arrangements or to refuse. Safe, Sane and CONSENTUAL.
Myth:
BDSM is not normal.
Fact:
“Normal” is defined in many ways. Most people define normal as what is considered socially acceptable by the majority of the populous. If this is an accurate description then no one can be considered normal. Are Jews normal or are Christians normal? Are heterosexuals normal or are homosexuals normal? Are Native Americans the normal ones or is it the African Americans that are normal? Is it normal to be rich or poor? Is it normal to be married or divorced or single? Are you normal if you have a college degree or if you don’t have a high school diploma? Personally being “normal” is way over rated…I prefer to be unique, an individual.
After I spent my afternoon explaining my lifestyle to my sister, she began to understand a little about my life. However even with all the information I gave her, the last thing she stated to me was “Well if this is what you want then, I guess it is ok. I just want to let you know that I will not be bringing my kids over again.” With that she left and since then our communication has been limited to polite conversation. She hasn’t brought up our conversation again nor has she come back to visit.
I have never truly feared speaking to my family about my lifestyle nor have I ever avoided the subject or lied about my life…however, I have always known the reaction that I would encounter.
From my daughter I have had open acceptance, she was raised to accept all those that make the universe unique and wonderful. As she grew up she was slowly, and I stress the word slowly, exposed to alternative lifestyles. When she was 19 yrs old I felt she could understand enough about my lifestyle choices that I decided to get a slave. At first she didn’t know how to handle it, after they talked for a while she understood better and they became friends, and remained so even after his release. When we moved from Arkansas to Missouri I waited a couple of years and then got a submissive male as well as a male slave; my daughter began to understand the difference between the two. She honestly had no patience for the submissive but loved having my slave around. I never exposed my daughter to the S & M side of things but she was not ignorant either. It didn’t honestly shock me much when I found out she had bought a pony whip, the only thing that I wanted to know was she giving or receiving…I never asked, some things a mother just doesn’t need to know.
From my mother I had a confused understanding, she accepted the need for control and obedience but she could not understand the involvement of pain. My mother was a traditional Native American, our tribe is matriarchal…the women are in charge. I was raised by a strong woman, amongst strong women, and therefore the desire for control comes quite natural. She may have only been 4 foot 11 inches tall but it always seemed the whole world trembled at her command.
From my father I have been shunned, after my mother’s death my father remarried and the individual he married is a racist and a bigot. Since then his wife has seen to it that we no longer speak, nor am I allowed to go to my mother’s home.
From one sister I have been given a polite acknowledgement, simply put she is ok with my choices as long as they do not affect her or her family. Being Christian does not necessarily make one close-minded but it definitely narrows the realm of acceptance. Even though my sister goes to a more progressive church, she is still limited as to her interpretation of acceptable behaviors, and lifestyles.
From my other sister, perhaps some day I shall breach the subject, but not yet.
Do not fear what your family with think, or say, or even do. The only thing you should fear is ignorance. If someone does not accept your lifestyle that is ok, they have the right to their own opinions. If someone avoids associating with you because of choices that you have made, this too is a choice, it is their choice.
A slave I had in the past was faced with a horrible dilemma, lie to his family or admit his lifestyle choices and face the consequences. He refused to lie and when asked he explained his role in my house to his family. They threatened to have him committed, to take away his car (which they had paid for), to pull his college scholarship (which they had set up when he was a small child) and disown him. Rather than shame his family he asked to be released, I have not seen him since.
Pretending to be someone you are not is almost as difficult as trying to hide who you really are. Be proud of yourself, your choices, and your way of life. You do not need anyone’s approval, acceptance or understanding…it is a welcome gift that your family and friends can give to you but it is not necessary nor should it be expected.
As with everything this is my opinion, take what you will and leave the rest. If you wish to contact me, my email address is Norisch1@mchsi.com. If you wish to see more of my work you may find a complete listing of all my writings at…. http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Norisches_Quill/ in the files section.
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You say “…some things a mother just doesn’t need to know…”
Do you think that perhaps there are things that you sister just doesn’t need to know?
Constance’s recent blog post..This Made Me Smile
I think Norische did a pretty good job with this essay. I’m not sure I understand your question.
There is a reason you do what you do in private. I’m not about to invite my entire friends and family list to my bedroom. Different people handle things…differently.
Dear Luna,
I’m not about to invite my friends and family into my bedroom either.
That is precisely my point.
I do, on the other hand, invite them into my living room, even if they turn up (as Norische’s sister did) uninvited and unannounced. That is why I have not decorated my “parlor/office…with a wall of ‘toys’. Floggers, whips, paddles, and canes of all types, along with a large grouping of miscellaneous torture devices and implements of all types which decorate one half of the room. Of course chains, suspension devices, harnesses, and stirrups also embellish the archway to (her) dinning room. A leather-covered horse sitting right smack dab in the middle of the office…”
I am not critical of Norische’s or any one else’s sexual interests and activities, but I do feel that sex is a private act among consensual adults. Exhibitionists, on the other hand, derive their thrill from being seen, and in the case of public exhibitionists, from being seen by unsuspecting victims whose reaction, generally of shock and disgust, thrills the exhibitionist all the more.
Norische goes to considerable lengths to describe her sister as a late-blooming, judgmental, religious, conservative woman, when in fact, her sister’s character is not the issue. The sister has dropped by, and has been made uncomfortable by the decor. I am myself a pretty kinky girl, and my own toy collection is growing rapidly, but if I went to visit my sister and discovered that she had hung her toy collection in her front hall for all the world to see, I too would be extremely ill at ease. Just as Norische says she didn’t ask her daughter whether the daughter was on the giving or receiving end of the pony whip because “some things a mother just doesn’t need to know,” I don’t think that people need to know what their friends and relatives get up to in their bedrooms (or any other part of the house!)
Norische seems satisfied with the explanation she gave her little sister, with historical precedents and a breakdown of the myths, and then seems disappointed that despite this chat, the sister advises her that she won’t be bringing the children back. Luna, in all honesty, do children need to be exposed to it all?
I expect that some people would respond that because BDSM and D/s or M/s in particular go beyond sex to be a lifestyle / relationship style and choice, it is legitimate to want to be honest and open about it, just as homosexuals who might have once claimed to be ‘roommates’ are coming out as lovers. Fine. If the situation is complicated, a simple and straightforward explanation can be appropriate. But we don’t need demonstations, nor do we need to see the toys.
Sincerely,
Constance
Constance’s recent blog post..This Made Me Smile
Sure I see your point, but if I had unannounced visitors right now, they would see the mounds of rope on the living room floor, the paddles and floggers laying on a bag next to the TV. All remnants of a play session last night that hasn’t been cleaned up. It happens, so how do you explain it?
I would never personally volunteer my lifestyle choices to family, they don’t need to know. If the family member doesn’t want to bring children around, then fine. That’s everyone’s prerogative. The fact that some people DO decorate their house how they want, and if it’s not family or children friendly then I’d at least warn them.