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The Roundtable: Open Marriages
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Every so often I want to open up the blog for you to share and teach me on a topic that I don’t know a lot about. This is your chance to teach me and the other readers of this blog. I encourage you to comment, subscribe to the comments and keep coming back to add more insights.
From the Wikipedia page on Open Marriages:
Open marriage typically refers to a marriage in which the partners agree that each may engage in extramarital sexual relationships, without this being regarded as infidelity. There are many different styles of open marriage, with the partners having varying levels of input on their spouse’s activities. The impact of open marriage on relationships varies across couples. Some couples report high levels of marital satisfaction and have long-lasting open marriages. Other couples drop out of the open marriage lifestyle and return to sexual monogamy. These couples may continue to believe open marriage is a valid lifestyle, just not for them. Still other couples experience serious problems and claim open marriage contributed to their divorces. All couples in open marriages may therefore want to pay attention to their relationship maintenance behaviors.
Today I’d like to learn about open relationships and marriages. Here are the questions I have for those of you with experience in open-style relationships:
- What rules are there in the relationship to prevent infidelity or violation of other limits? Why do the ground rules exist?
- What style of open relationship do you have? Is it polyamory or one that we haven’t discussed yet? Is polyamory considered an open relationship?
- How do you handle jealousy issues?
- What sexual protection do you use with other partners?
- The illegality of having another partner other than your wife/husband can cause issues, what do you have to keep the safety of all partners involved safe?
- Have any of you seen the Handbook on Open Relationships found at Open Hands? What do you think of its content?
Do you have anything else you’ d like to share about open relationships that I might not have considered?
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Filed under Relationships, Roundtable Discussions
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I have been married to a wonderful man for almost 5 years. 3 years ago, he brought up the possibility of polyamory, or an open marriage. At the time, I believed in many of the mythos and negative misconceptions, both conscious and unconscious, society teaches us about non-monogamy in committed relationships. At first I was adamant about *not* pursuing this lifestyle; however, once the idea had been planted, it began to take root and curiosity overwhelmed. I did a lot of reading, a lot of research, and a lot of personal soul-searching, and was surprised to discover that having an open relationship didn’t necessarily mean what I first believed. 6 months or so after the initial “No way in hell!” conversation, we broached the topic again and I tentatively agreed to try an open marriage, with 2 clauses. The first was that the first person we opened to would be somebody we could *both* love, and we had to be in agreement about the person. The second was that we would go back to monogamy, no questions asked, if either of us was uncomfortable with the situation. We agreed to not actively search for another partner, but would stay open to the possibilities.
Only months after that, we met a beautiful young woman whom we were both interested in getting to know. We started seeing each other, the three of us, and developed a strong friendship. It was at that time we set the ground rules for our open marriage. We wrote out the rules on paper, as well as discussing them together, so there was no room for misinterpretation or misunderstanding. We developed the rules to protect ourselves, and to protect each other, from both physical and emotional harm. In our rules, we decided that all partners involved should meet at least once, so that everybody is on the same page. This includes any lover(s) of somebody we are potentially interested in pursuing a relationship with. This helps immensely in preventing infidelity. In meeting a partner’s lover, we are sure that the lover is aware of the situation and is okay with it. We also made a rule for making time to spend on relationship maintenance. My hubby and I do not want our own relationship to deteriorate because we spend too much time with other people. We agreed that if one partner does not like another, and they have valid reasoning, that we would reconsider the relationship with that person; however no undermining or back-stabbing is tolerated. In our relationships, communication is a necessity. Lying, cheating, and hidden agendas are absolutely forbidden, and there are zero repercussions for discussing, in a reasonable manner, any issues you feel are of concern. Breaking of this particular rule is grounds for ending a relationship because it destroys any trust that may have developed between partners.
Jealousy is an individualized concern. Most jealousy stems from self-doubt, poor self-image, or envy. All negative feelings are discussed among all partners involved. Simply airing the feelings, and making the partners aware of negative feelings is more help than I can possibly explain. Negative feelings, once discussed in the open, often are discovered to be unfounded, and sometimes downright silly. Any sexual activity that occurs between partners, other than between myself and my husband, always includes protection (condoms, damsel dams, etc). And the last rule states that these are just basics, and things might change; if they do change, we will hold a family meeting and discuss what is changing and why, and family members must agree to the change. Anybody we are interested in as potential partners gets a copy of these rules.
Today, we are still with that beautiful young woman I mentioned. She has become an intricate part of our lives, and I am grateful for her presence. She has added so much positive energy to our lives and to our relationship. We would be less without her. We’ve been together a little over a year, and haven’t run into anything in the way of legality issues. We recently “came out” to family because our girlfriend is pregnant, and my husband is the baby’s father. Legality has become a concern of ours, primarily because of the possibility of child custody suits. We’re not sure yet exactly what problems we’ll run into, but we will speak with a lawyer about our case.
People who know us, and know about our choice of lifestyles, will tell you that we’re normal people who happen to be in an extra ordinary position. We are stronger as a family than we are as individuals. Because of the highly positive experience we’ve had thus far, most of my concerns about polyamory, or open relationships, have been alleviated. I’ve even begun seeing another man, as a potential partner. I’m not saying it was all easy. Hell no! We’ve certainly had our ups and our downs, but that is true of every relationship. It’s also taken some time and a lot of work to figure out how to manage the time, the emotions, and the other investments one puts into a relationship. Every relationship takes work; multiple relationships substantially multiply the amount of effort needed to sustain not only the individual relationships, but the overall unity of the family.
I hadn’t read the Handbook on Open Relationships before today. After reading it, I can say I agree with most of what has been written there, and that it contains some very good advice. Most of it is advice we were given when we first began exploring this, and some little bit of it is advice I wish I had been given. Then again, I’ve always been the type of girl that had to learn things the hard way. As with anything else, there are both positive and negative aspects of open relationships. I would far rather be in an honest, loving and open relationship than a monogamous relationship in which my partner lies and cheats. I have learned more about myself, and about my partners, in an open relationship then I would ever have learned through monogamy. Open relationships are certainly not suitable for every person or every relationship. However, some people thrive in an open relationship where they would wither under the strictures of monogamy. Whether you are the first person, or the last, is up to you.